Falling Down (Ch. 7) - Randy Halprin
Randy Halprin
"We tend to see a person in the moment, not as the journey they travelled to get here." Kat Lehmann
Memoirs
** Warning...Contains descriptions of drug use**
FALLING DOWN : PART ONE (1995)
Chapter 7
(by Randy E. Halprin)
A Memoir
It's a strange feeling living alone in a city that really isn't your home. I felt like I was in exile and never really had that settled feeling. I desperately wanted to be back at Oneida with my friends, and I also really missed Texas. Yeah, I could hang out with Emma every now and then on a weekend, or go over to the K's for dinner whenever I wanted...I was always welcome, but I still felt like a stranger in a strange land.
I still hadn't addressed the education issue, and I was completely against the idea of a GED. My dad had pounded into my head that it would never get me into the jobs that a high school diploma would, and he was right about that. Although I had little in the way of direction, and didn't really know what I wanted out of life, I still imagined myself being successful in some kind of way, but at the time, I had neither the drive nor the determination. The manager at the SUBWAY I worked at offered to help me get into the local high school, and was willing to adjust my working hours so that I could go to school, but I just didn't think I was capable of doing both of those things at once. Besides, I was determined to get back to OBI...I just didn't know how to make that happen.
Meanwhile, I would continue to explore Lexington, hang out with Emma when I could, or go over to the K's, although with each visit I grew more uncomfortable with Mr K's fundamental beliefs. I didn't mind the theological conversations and questions he would pose to me, but I felt them becoming more intrusive and judgemental, and at that time I was struggling with my own beliefs and trying to figure things out. One evening, as I was watching a movie, the phone rang. Thinking it would be a friend from school, or my girlfriend, I answered...I heard Mr K's voice on the other end saying, “You know, I can't in good conscience allow you to go down the path you're going...” He said.
“Uhhh. Okay,” I said, having no earthly idea what he was talking about.
“It's been bothering me, Randy, you need to accept Christ.”
“Oh.” I offered. This was really awkward for me. I didn't know what else to say, and so I let him continue to talk and warm me that I could die at any minute – fall over dead from a heart attack, and he couldn't rest easily knowing that I was doomed to an eternity in hell. I appreciated his concern, but I had my doubts about what “eternity” was going to be like.
“I'm standing on biblical truth. You know I'm right.”
“Okay. We can talk about it the next time I'm over for dinner. I'm, uh, going to get ready to call it a night.”
I hung up the phone and kind of laughed. They had been incredibly kind to me but I couldn't help but be a little freaked out.
Towards the end of August I had discovered two places near the campus of the University of Kentucky. The first place was a college hang out/bar/grill, called “Tolly Ho”. It was always crowded, but it looked like a place to suggest to Emma to check out some time. The other place was “Cut Corner Records,” a small independent record shop. I'd spent a lot of time there discovering some rare Cure imports on CD and vinyl. One album I really loved at that time was Radiohead “The Bends.” That album completely blew my mind, and it was so different to their first album, Pablo Honey...everyone knew and loved the song, “Creep” but I was unimpressed by the album as a whole. When it came to music, I had one rule: don't get caught up in “one hit wonders,” and before “The Bends,” Radiohead were one hit wonders. Anyway, from start to finish “The Bends” was perfection! My two favorite songs, and ones I listened to over and over, were “Fake Plastic Trees” and “High And Dry”.
One Friday evening, Emma called me up and asked if I wanted to hang out. I said “Sure,” and asked what she had in mind. She told me she was going to pick up a bottle of wine from a friend, and something else, then we'd go from there. I was game, and when Friday rolled round she came and picked me up in the death trap. We went to a neighborhood in Lexington that I had never been to before, and stopped off at a small house. We got out of the car, and there were some people partying in the front yard. They looked like they were in their early 20s, and they all said, “What's up?” I stood there quietly – I was always a bit awkward and shy when meeting new people - and Emma ran inside, then came back out with a huge bottle of wine, thanked everyone, and we left.
“That was quick,” I said.
“Yeah, but I got what I really came for.”
“Which is...?” I asked.
“Acid!”
I'd never done acid before, but I knew that Tracy and her brother had tried it. Outside of weed, cough syrup, and huffing, I was fearful of doing anything harder than that.
She drove us back to her place and we went to her room. She turned on the TV, poured some wine for both of us, and then pulled out a little piece of plastic...Folded inside were two little pieces of squared paper. She offered it to me, and I said, “What exactly is it going to do?” She told me it would take about 45-60 minutes to kick in and we should then see colors, our senses would be enhanced, and we should just enjoy ourselves. I told her I'd try it and put it on my tongue. “Don't swallow it. Let it dissolve,” she told me.
We drank a couple more cups of wine, and I began to feel my jaw tighten a little...My body began to tingle, and I had a fit of giggles for no particular reason. It felt really good! Soon, colors began to dance in front of my eyes, and I found the images on the TV very distracting. I must have mentioned that because she immediately turned it off, and put the stereo on. I remember hearing Nine Inch Nails' “The Downward Spiral.” The music didn't just sound great – it came alive! I began to see colors dance in rhythm to the music, and change from song to song. My imagination swam with images, and when the song “Piggy” came on, little designs began to dance and shimmer before me. I sang loudly, “Nothing can stop me now, 'cause I don't care anymore!” Then, Emma began yelling it with me: “NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW, 'CAUSE I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!!!” And we fell into fits of laughter...I loved this shit.
The acid stayed in my system well into Saturday, and when I came down, and Emma was back to normal, she drove me back to my place.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
My birthday was approaching, and I began to feel depressed again. I had recently bought a copy of The Cure's “Faith” album from Cut Corner Records, and totally immersed myself in it. I'd been on my own since early July, and had nothing figured out. Soon, I'd be 18 years old and completely on my own...And I feared that my parents would completely abandon me having met their “obligations” to me. I worried I'd no longer be a welcome member of the family. I didn't know what to do...
One evening shortly before my birthday, Tracy called me and told me I'd be receiving a letter, and I was under strict orders to not open it until my birthday. My head, already filled with negative thoughts about my parents abandoning me, immediately assumed the worst, and I said, “What is it? A break up letter?”
“No! It's not that...That's crazy talk! Just don't read it until your birthday.”
I wasn't convinced. I called Wesley up at school, and asked if he knew anything. “I don't,” is all he told me. So, I called Jason and he was a bit more coy, saying, “I kind of have an idea, but I'm not totally 100% man.”
A few days before I turned 18 I received a UPS package from my parents. It had some food, a few gifts, and a drawing of a train from my brother, Jimmy. Underneath the drawing he'd scribbled, “Randy's birthday express. Happy Birthday!” It made me cry...I missed my little brothers so much! I taped the drawing on the wall, next to a poster.
I still dreaded the letter from Tracy. I was just having funny feelings about everything, and felt like I was starting to give up. I didn't even touch my keyboard for a while, having no inspiration whatsoever. I just felt alone...I couldn't talk to the K's about it because I knew there would be disappointment and judgement, and I couldn't talk to my parents about it because they were part of my depression...I couldn't talk to Emma either because her suggestion would be to just get high or drunk, which was something I wasn't entirely opposed to, but I didn't want to turn it into a crutch. I just didn't know what to do...I still hadn't received the letter though, so I called Tracy up and demanded she let me know what was in it. “I didn't send it.” She said.
“You didn't?” I replied.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because you were making such a big deal about nothing.”
“So, it was a break up letter?”
“How do you get that out of me not sending it? It was nothing! I don't know what's going on with you, but stop getting paranoid. I'm not going anywhere.”
“Okay...I'm sorry.”
We hung up and I still didn't feel reassured in any way. I was a day away from turning 18, and I was completely convinced that when I was 18 I would be on my own in every way...That everyone was somehow just waiting for this day. I called Wesley again and kept pressing him. Finally, he broke, but what he told me was not what I expected, “She was going to propose to you. That's what the letter was, but you were acting crazy, so she decided to not send it.”
“Are you serious? Don't fuck with me, Wes.”
“I'm not! She wrote the letter and it was written in a way that when you read “will you marry me?” she'd say, “yes” because YOU were asking it.”
I was shocked, but I had to admit it was a pretty clever way of getting me to propose. I did love her, but marriage just hadn't crossed my mind. I decided to call my dad and get some advice from him. Maybe I could get one bit of fatherly wisdom before they cut me off completely. When I told him about the letter, he said he wasn't opposed to the idea, but I should really think it through. I took his saying that he wasn't opposed to it as a “blessing” and decided I'd go for it. I considered calling her parents, but then chased that thought out of my head. I was worried Tracy might still say “no,” but screw it...I was going for it.
The day of my birthday my parents surprised me with an early morning, “Happy Birthday” call. Mom, Dad, Jimmy and Kevin, all sang the birthday song to me and I took it as a positive sign that everything was going to be fine. I wasn't losing my family, and if Tracy said yes, I'd start building my own family. I was 18...An adult! To further commit to this idea, I grabbed my keyboard – I hadn't used it in a while, after all, and took it to the pawn shop. I needed some extra money because I hadn't saved anything as my dad suggested, and my plan was to buy a ring with the money...But first, I wanted to wait until Tracy said, “Yes.”
That evening, when I knew she was back in her dorm room, I called the dormitory. She was excited, and had all of the girls in the office yell, “Happy Birthday!!” We talked for a bit and then, nervously, I said...”So, there's something I want to talk to you about...” And she immediately came back with, “Stop, Randy. Okay? I'm not going anywhere!”
“No...it's not that. It's just...I...” I couldn't get it out!
“What?” She said, comfortingly.
“I'm sorry...I'm sorry for everything...For the stupid things in the summer, for being an idiot, for the events with your parents that I blame myself for. I'm 18 now and I just want to start over. I want to get shit straight.”
“I know you do. It'll all work out.”
“Yeah...So...Will you marry me?” I asked.
Geeze, the silence! It felt like it could've gone on for eternity. I was starting to think I really screwed up, and then I heard a shriek...”Yes!!!” Then I heard her tell everyone in the office that I had just proposed. There was some exciting chatter in the background. I felt good! What a perfect way to end the day.
I hung up the phone, put a movie on, and fell asleep on the couch.