June 2006 - Randy Halprin

Randy Halprin
 "We tend to see a person in the moment, not as the journey they travelled to get here."  Kat Lehmann

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Journals

June 30th, 2006

Today has been sooo boring and it's probably an indication of what's to come for this Fourth of July weekend. Hmmm. What will I do? I went outside this morning and played some basketball. I won 15 games to 5...I wanted to keep playing, but the guy I was playing with started being a sore loser and making all sorts of excuses as to why we should stop. Usually when this happens I give my pep talk. You know, "C'mon! It's not about who's winning. It's about the run, man. Let's go!" If that doesn't work I do my little speech I stole from The Karate Kid. You know at the end of the movie when Daniel is starting to get in the groove of things and begins to kick some butt…and then the mean karate master guy says, "No mercy, Cobra kai. No mercy!" I say that and it usually gets a laugh and the other person will start playing ball again. But alas, it didn't work. He just wanted to pout and make excuses.

I've gotten my buttocks beaten quite a few times and it does steal the wind from your sails, but I enjoy the exercise. To me, it's not really about winning. It's about running and feeling alive.

I don't know where this came from, and I don't know where I was going with it, really…but sometimes when I'm working out these thoughts flash across my head. Maybe it's from the blood rushing through the brain. I don't know, but I'll stop for a second and jot it down on a piece of paper. (Same with my whacky inventions…trust me you don't want to know about that!) A lot of times I can't figure out where I was going and sometimes I'll think on it and it can turn out to be pretty profound.

So here's what flashed across my head: death is inevitable. It's what you get out of this life that's important. Learning and growing isn't exclusive to people who are 'free'. True freedom is an inside job. They may have your body, but they  can never control your soul, your thoughts or dreams. What will you do with your life, before it's gone? What will you leave behind for others  to learn from or see? And I stopped there. I guess maybe I'm saying  that while it's futile to fight death (it comes at any time. I mean, I don't necessarily have to be killed by the state. I could fall down the stairs going to recreation and break my neck …), it's best to understand that it's mine and everyone else's duty to leave behind something positive for those who inherit this world after us. Something we tend to forget. We get caught up in all of these other  things. And don't realize that someone is coming in after us. It becomes their mess to deal with. And just because I'm locked in a cell all day long, how does that prevent me from leaving something positive behind? Hmmm. What do you get from that thought?

Huh. Someone just gave me a Star Trek book...That's cool. I'm more of a Star Wars fan, though. I'll still read it. That was nice of him. I think I will stop here. Nothing exciting to talk about today.  

Peace.



June 29th, 2006

I feel so drained. Must be this heat. I went to bed around one in the morning, because I was listening to Rice University (KTRU), but I slept in until eight; so I was well rested. Boy, it's good to finally be able to sleep again. I've been doing well this whole week.

It's 5:26 pm, and our whole section is still waiting on showers. We had extremely lazy guards today, so they're putting all of their work off on the second shift that comes in at six in the evening. This is always bad news, because then the second shift guards are angry, that first shift didn't do their work and they take their anger out on us. This then creates a chain reaction and pisses off the inmates and the whole evening is unpleasant. My life…

So, I was looking into the whole divorce process today and learned that I could probably qualify for an annulment because I was married by proxy. I think if this is possible, it's probably what I will do. I never intended to be divorced; so now that it's inevitable, I might as well do it like the marriage never happened. That might come across as harsh to some, but I mean, when your marriage is built upon lies, what good is it anyways? Sorry…My anger is coming out. I still feel betrayed. (Shrugs…)

I didn't really do a whole lot today. I exercised, read, went to  recreation and talked to a few people. Not a whole lot of excitement. I know my neighbor is getting on my nerves. He just stands at his door and raps the whole day long. I don't know if he just wants attention or is lonely…But it's like, damn dude, give it a rest. Go read a book or something. He keeps it up I might ask if he NEEDS something to read. Haha. Sheesh.

I just jumped on my bed and looked out the window. Not much going out there either. I can't see any birds. It's probably too hot for them to be flying around. You know, prison is a scary place and the movies do a good job of showing all of the horrible things that go on, but for once they should make a movie that has all of the crazy funny things. Trust me; there were plenty of loony things that happened. Well, now it's after six. They still have not started showers. Ugh.

I suppose I will close this here and wait for my shower and any mail I might get.

Later!



June 28th, 2006

Another day flies away…I was moved last night. Right now as I write this I'm on D-pod 69 cell. It's pretty quiet and clean over here. For some reason the administration always puts me on this section (it seems) every other week. I don't mind, I just find it peculiar that if they move me for so called "security reasons" why on earth would they keep bouncing me around to the same place? I'll never understand half of what these folks do…

I got up this morning at six thirty to take a shower; then I crawled back into bed for about another hour. Today was a no-recreation day for this section, so I figured why not get a little extra sleep? A funny thing happened at lunch…Usually my vegetarian tray isn't on the food cart, so a guard has to go to the kitchen and get me one. I kind of take a little pleasure in them having to go the extra mile to get my food. Especially the real mean guards. So, today we had one of those real mean guards working and here he comes with the food. I ask, "Is my tray on the cart this time? He smirks at me and says, "Yep. You thought I'd have to go and fetch you one from the kitchen, huh?" I just smirk back at him. Well, they load the trays into this metal food carrier that has 7 slots for the trays. He's going to each cell and gets to mine and I see a fish patty on the main course compartment. I say, "What's that?" He say's, "Fish!" "Well, I don't eat fish." All of a sudden he's an expert on vegetarianism and say's, "Vegetarians eat fish." "I don't. It's alive, I don't eat it." "But…", he protests. "Nope, looks like you're going to have to go to the kitchen after all and get me a tray." Man, he was so pissed. He slammed my food slot door closed and his face was red… But for the record, I didn't become a vegetarian to make the guards do extra work. I do value all life; that just comes as an added bonus :)

The rest of the day I just relaxed and read some. I was thinking a lot about my days at Oneida and an old friend, Chris, who had sent me a message the other day. I don't know, it just makes me feel really good when old friends from my past remember the good things about me. I think in this place sometimes you convince yourself that you really were  a bad person or are and that you're just getting what you deserve… But then people from your past come out and say, "No, you were a really good guy. You did this for me, or you watched out for me…" And it's like, "Wow, I guess I'm not a bad person …" Why is it, though that when you're in a situation where you can be judged, people tend to look more at the bad than the good?  I don't know…

They had an execution last night. The press dubbed the guy "The Railroad Killer". They said he asked for forgiveness right before the state killed him. I didn't really know the guy, but I heard he was pretty crazy. At least he did ask for forgiveness. I know that can't take away the victims' families' pain, but hopefully it will have brought some peace in the end. I just hate how the media exploits these executions…They make it a big festival. Like, yesterday on the six pm news they were doing this wicked/sick countdown. They opened the show with, "We're only minutes away from The Railroad Killer's execution…" What the hell is wrong with people? They exploit both sides' families; they hype it up like a carnival. They even had a reporter out in Huntsville, Texas, where they do the executions, who was saying, "And if you look behind this white curtain, that's hanging up on this fence, you'll see the hearse that will take his body away…" What kind of whack job reporting is that? It's freakin' nuts, if you ask me. An endless cycle of pain. Death begets death begets death be gets death begets death begets death. This is the world we live in.

Okay, I've got to lighten this entry up a bit. I'm going to talk about this time I got busted smuggling two pounds of sugar back from the kitchen. Basically, I had to "hustle" to have the things I needed in prison. I was always paid in stamps and in return I would trade the stamps with someone who needed them for food, hygiene items, (and yes, sometimes drugs?) I did various little things at the time. Sold cheeseburgers, cookies, food from the kitchen, but for a few months I fell into the riskiest hustle of them all: making 'hooch'. I guess the main reason was it made a  lot of money. I could easily make ten bucks a gallon. Somebody taught me how to do it, they would give me the supplies and then I would mix it all into plastic jugs and hold them in my locker. The trick was keeping the smell down so the guards wouldn't notice it, 'cause these babies would get to reeking bad! If the guards found it, well, that was automatic Medium Custody. And Medium Custody is nothing nice – especially for a Jew.

I had almost been caught once before. Someone had snitched me off, and as the sergeant was going to my cell to search it, a guy in another cell started having a seizure and fell off his bunk. The sergeant was called over to that incident. Now, I still couldn't get into my cell, because the guard in the control center was given orders to not allow me into my cell, but fortunately my cellmate was in there, sleeping. I had to wake him up, tell him to go into my locker and dump everything down the toilet, crush the jug and throw it out the side of the door. I barely got off the hook. Well, this particular time, I had to go to the kitchen, pick up a lunch bag filled with two pounds of sugar, smuggle it all the way back to the cell blocks without getting stopped for a pat down. For every five people that walked by the Sergeants and Lieutenants, three inmates would be stopped and patted down. The odds were not in my favor. I made it into the kitchen, picked up the bag of sugar, slid it under my arm pit, then closed my jacket up. My only problem was the jacket's zipper was broken, so I had to hold the jacket shut. I can't explain what happened next, because it was a damn near windless day, but just as I made it outside of the kitchen a blast of air hit me and blew my jacket wide open. A lieutenant saw the brown bag and pointed at me...

"You get your ass over here right now!" I knew that was it. People only smuggle sugar out for one reason. I walked up to him.
"Give me that  bag." I handed him the sack.
"What the hell is this, inmate?"  
"My hustle." I said.
"You making wine?" he asked.
"No sir. I'm just doing my hustle."
"You know this is medium custody action right here?"
"Yes, sir."
"Do you owe somebody something? You riding?" (Riding meant that you were paying for protection. You would do sexual services or give money or do hustles for other people…)
"No, sir. I'm just trying to get by", I said.
"Who's this for? Who's buying?"
"Can't say, sir. I'm not going to be killed over a bag of sugar."
"Huh. Give me your I.D.! I'll call you to my office after I write your case."

I handed him my I.D. and headed back to the cell blocks. When I got in, some guys gathered around me and asked about the sugar. I explained the situation and got different takes on my outcome. Some said the lieutenant was cool and would probably let me make it, some were sure I'd be sent to medium custody. I was scared crapless, I won't lie. I knew that I would be fighting everyday on medium custody. That's where they kept a lot of the racist gangs and bad apples at. As soon as they found out I was  Jewish, oh man, it was all over. I started to pray in my head. Seriously.

About an hour passed and I was called to go to the lieutenant's office. I left the cell blocks and walked there, my heart pounding. "Please, God, let me get out of this, please, God, oh God… ", I kept thinking over and over. I knocked on the door and someone called me in.  A sergeant was sitting behind the desk. "You Halprin?" he asked. "Yes, sir", I replied. He picked up my I.D. and handed it to me. "The Lieutenant says, get a different hustle. He's going to let you make it, but next time he catches you even sneezing wrong, he's going to bust your ass. Go back to  your cell." "Yes, sir!" I said, barely containing my relief. I got out of that office fast!

I always gave G-d the credit on that one, because really I should've been sent to Medium Custody. When I got back to the cell blocks, everyone asked me what happened. "I got off with a warning." Some couldn't believe it, some said, "I told you he was cool…" After that I never made wine again (not to say I didn't drink it a whole lot!)

Now the sun is disappearing behind a line of trees in the distance. I didn't get any mail :( Maybe I'll tell another prison story tomorrow. I've got about a billion of them.

Peace. Goodnight.



June 26th, 2006

I don't know why, but today I have had a huge surge of energy. My overall feeling today has been really good. Not an ounce of depression,  nothing. The sun is outshining and bright and I just feel good. I mean, technically speaking, today had every reason to start bad, but it didn't.

I'm usually in a bad mood when my day starts off with being denied something from the mail room, but it didn't even phase me. I was in a dead sleep when I heard a  knock on my door. I looked up and she said, "I've got a  denial form for you to sign…"  I jumped out of bed, grabbed my pen and went to the door thinking, "Man …  this sucks." She hands me the slip and says, "Sorry I had to wake you up for this. It's stupid." I said, "No big deal. I need to get up now anyways." (sigh)

It was stupid what I was denied, though…Some Newsweek magazine that had a picture of a child naked. Ridiculous. Look, I know there's child molesters and pervs back here, but they always take things out of context. How is Newsweek even close to pornography or exploitive? It's craziness. Oh well.

The rest of the day I've just been reading and relaxing. I've got to tell you this dream I had last night, very vivid. One of those ones that felt real. It had to do with my wife's boyfriend. Somehow I was at some bar drinking a coke with some friends. I overhear a conversation and the dude is with a girlfriend and it's not Mary. He's cheating on Mary and she doesn't know, which is kind of poetic justice in a way…So, I'm thinking, "Is this the guy she cheated on me with? Huh, well, I'll just go over and talk to him…" I walk over to the booth he's sitting at and I tell his girlfriend that maybe she should leave. He looks up at me and says...

"Who the hell are you?"
"I'm Mary's husband", I said.
"Husband? Stop bullshitting me…"
"Look, dude I don't want to fight you, but I think you should know that she's married and married to me. Maybe it's best ya'll talk about things, 'cause it's obvious you have some issues… "

Weird. But as crazy my dreams can be, I love them.

Right now I'm waiting to go outside. It looks very pretty out and I should be playing some basketball. I'm ready to go right now! I think I need a nap and it's only a little after nine in the morning! I went to bed close to two am, and got back up at six or so…I'm really tired. If I expect to win any games I've got to charge up! Sheesh. I've talked too much trash to the guy I'm going to play to not be able to back my mouth up! Hahaha.

So, I also got an awesome email from an old friend from school. Chris Lee. I'm going to reply to him, but reading his email brought back memories that were long  lost...I met Chris through my dad and his dad. My dad designed and built these computer tables for the Postal Service. Most of the time, my dad built them right out of our garage. I think Chris' dad owned a moving company or something like that and so he'd ship these tables for my dad's business. His family had decided to send him to Oneida and it became my job to tell Chris about what to expect and about the school. I ended up taking him under my wing and looking out for him, because it turned out he was kind of a momma's boy (sorry, Chris! But you know it was true…) I was a room monitor in the middle school dormitory and basically was in charge of ten kids. I had to make sure everyone did their laundry, cleaned, was doing okay. Kind of like a camp counselor. Chris moved into  my room. I liked the guy a lot, but, man, he could be bratty and a  handful! But I did my best to look out for him. We had some good laughs and great times. I really tried to be a good room monitor to all the kids I was in charge of. Though I did run a monopoly on the music. Haha. If I was in the room it would be The Cure or  U2 playing. No exceptions.

Well, in the email I received from Chris, he remembers the Daphne incident, where I got caught with her in the chapel bathroom. As it turns out he was the kid who woke me up! I couldn't remember who did it, but now looking back I see him tapping my foot and saying, "Daphne is in the chapel and wants to talk to you…" Crazy!

On my sixteenth birthday his mom and dad had sent me a little care package with some cookies and snacks and U2's "The Joshua Tree". I can't  believe I still remember that. That was very cool of them. So, Chris, I will be writing to you very soon, but I wanted to thank you for that awesome email. It brought some tears and I thank you for not judging me and still remembering the good things about me. I'm proud to call you my little brother. It really touched me that you called me your big brother. I hope one day soon we can see each other face to face and talk about the past and now…Hey, Chris, do you remember this: "Ahh man, I need some absorbine junior…"? Or: "I like to put sun tan lotion on my buttocks…" Do you remember who said that? Or how about that one dude we had as a room mate for like a week who said, "Man! That cockroach was the size of  a water melon!!" But it was how he said it that had has cracking up non-stop…



June 25th, 2006

Another gorgeous day. It'd be a nice day for a drive. I don't have a lot to comment on today. Just saying hello and hopefully everyone is safe and  doing well.



June 24th, 2006

I really didn't have anything to write about today. It's been a typical Saturday.  

As you know, back in January, I knew something was wrong with my marriage. And so my wife and I separated and began to go through the process of divorce. As painful as that was and still having feelings of love and hope, I pushed on. But then I started to get mixed signals. I hoped once again maybe we would be able to save everything. I kept fighting and I kept loving, even though I suspected, she wasn't being  honest with me and not giving me the complete story. She was telling me she loved me and missed me and all sorts of confusing things and I didn't want to damage what I felt could be saved, so I wouldn't pursue my questions and suspicions. Though in the back of my mind things didn't add up. She would slip a few times and I'd be like, "What is she doing? What's that all about? …"

Well, three weeks ago, I received hard evidence that my wife was cheating on me...As you can imagine, first came pain, then anger. I don't know if it was karma or what, but I suddenly truly grasped what it probably felt like to those I lied to in my past and hurt. I've always felt that emotional pain is far worse than any physical pain could ever be. I just really wanted it to work out. She didn't have to lie to me. I could've accepted the fact that she found someone. I'm not a controlling guy and I would not keep anyone from living their life. I understand people have their wants and needs. We all do. But I can no longer believe in "true" love. Maybe love, but not true love…I really don't know what I'm getting at, but my point is that all I want is to find someone who can love me, truly love me, despite the  physical limitations. True love, soulmates, whatever should exceed mere physical boundaries. Love is not a physical thing. Sure, it can be expressed in physical forms, desires etc. But that TRUE feeling is something deep inside, something that stirs the soul, awakens you, stirs you in ways that you can't express in words. It just saddens me to think I may never have that, because the odds are just too much against me. People put too much reliance on the physical realms and their own selfishness…But true love should be spiritual. Maybe I should be a monk or something. Hahahaha… Well, feel free to disregard my nonsense.

I do forgive my wife, but she didn't have to lie to me. I could've handled and accepted the truth. And now, it's sad because there is permanent damage. Sometimes life is like a giant man eating shark. It devours you whole.

Okay, so here's a really corny joke I heard on the radio, but I laughed for about 30 minutes…One reason, it made me think of the guy who was running around the dayroom a few days ago, but then also, if you knew my imagination… Let me tell the joke first:

What did the snail riding the turtles back say??? "Weeeeeeeeee!!!" Haha.

Get it? I told you it was corny, but just imagine this little snail sitting on the shell and the turtle is just slowly trucking along…The snail's face is flying back all contorted and slime is flying everywhere! Well, it's funny to me.

On that note I will close for the day. Just one more day to the weekend.



June 23rd, 2006

I was supposed to go outside and play some basketball today, but that didn't end up happening. Someone turned down recreation and so it screwed up the order of things and the guy I wanted to play ball with ended up going before me, then I didn't end up getting outside until 7:00pm...man, I really wanted to play some ball. At least I had some mail. I got a Vegetarian magazine that's pretty neat. There was a very interesting quote in it that I wanted to repeat here: "I must interpret the life around me as I interpret the life that is my own. My life is full of meaning to me, the life around me must be full of significance to itself. If I am to expect others to respect my life, then I must respect the life I see, however strange it may be to mine…" (Albert Schweitzer). I think this can be applied to the application of the Death Penalty also. Think about it.

Today was hot and gorgeous, though. I'm glad we didn't have any rain today. It seems that the weather has been so out of wack. I really want to see that documentary Al Gore put out on global warming. I'm sure it's pretty good. I mean, how can you deny it? I think we as humans need to realize that this is the only home we have. It's not like we can hop on a rocket ship and fly off to some nearby planet. This is all we've got. Anyways, I'll spare you the lecture...

I'll go ahead and close this up for the night. Peaceful dreams!



June 21st, 2006

It really looks beautiful outside. I wish I could've gone out...

Well, it's another day in this dump. Actually today has flown by pretty fast. I went to recreation at 6 in the morning and then came in, did some laundry, took a nap. Wrote a friend…Now I'm just waiting for the guards to tell me I'm moving. I'm sure it'll be tonight.

I wanted to talk about the debate some of us guys had last night and it carried over into this morning.  Really good stuff, but first I wanted to clear some things up about my interview with ABC that's posted on my MySpace page…My friend brought up some really good questions and issues about it and I've been wanting to let people know that not all of that report was true. Firstly, I was not second in charge or the second leader. I've got a document  that I will post very soon, that shows me SEVENTH in the pecking order of things. Now while, I disagree with the comments in the document about me not being very bright, I was never a leader or decision maker in our escape or any other actions. The report says I was second in charge, that's false.

I never said me and my girlfriend wanted to be like "Bonnie and Clyde". That was an inside joke between my girlfriend and me, back in '95, that my dad took out of context. Obviously, my father told Chief Waybourn (his best friend and my karate teacher and mentor) and he ran with it. I felt very betrayed by many of the things Chief Waybourn said about me, because they simply weren't true. Was I liar? Yes. I've never denied that I used to be a very bad liar and I've deceived my friends and family. I've done my best to get that part of my past out of the present. I don't think I was ever a con man. What would I con anyone for? What did I ever really need? Later, in like 2003, my attorneys confronted Chief Waybourn on why he said many bad things about me and lied about me. He simply stated, "I had to do it to protect his parents…" I was very hurt by his actions when I had so much respect for him. I looked up to him and thought he was a wonderful man. So, he called me a liar and a con man, but he was one too in that video. I've stated since day one, as naive and foolish/impulsive as I was I did escape ONLY to have a second chance. I know now that it was stupid of me to even think I could do it, but it's the truth. That is the ONLY reason why I  escaped.

So, I just wanted to get that out of the way. Most of that was a false report, but the reason I wanted it posted was so that people could put a voice and face to my writings. I know some will judge me, but hopefully most won't. I just want to be considered a human being.  

Now, to our debate last night…I  don't know how it all started. Some other dudes were getting into a heated argument and I over heard pieces of it while I was typing my journal. It sounded interesting so I went to my door to listen. When I  heard an opening in the conversation I took the chance to jump in. See, there are many people back here that do believe in the death penalty and think that only those who have actual innocent claims should be given any fair treatment by the system. Yet, they want to rely on groups that are for the abolishment of the death penalty. In doing so this uses many of their resources up and they can't fight for everyone when they focus on just one person or the most high profile case. And then those who are actually guilty and maybe have changed or bettered themselves, when they ask for help, the abolishment movement turns them down. They won't get involved. I think this is wrong. I think it's not just wrong, but it's malicious in the over all picture of things. How can you say that you want to abolish the death penalty, but you're not willing to fight for everyone? And most of these groups won't fight for everyone. I don't know why they can't, but I don't think you can say your mission statement is for abolition when your actions show otherwise. To me, if they're really going to start making a dent they should be protesting every execution. On a high profile case or an innocent claim hundreds show up to protest. But when little ol' Billy Bob is going to be executed and no one knows anything about him how many people show up to oppose his execution? How many people showed up to oppose my buddy Chuy's  execution? Maybe a hand full. It really pisses me off. I think hundreds should show up to EVERY execution. Guilty, innocent, high profile, unknown. Prove you're for the abolition of the Death Penalty. Surprisingly so, many back here disagree with me. But when their time comes they'll be wondering how come no one's speaking out for them. It's just not right or fair to pick a select few to speak up for. It's just not right. But hey, who am I?  

Well, I've gotta see if I'll be moved or not. I may or may not write some more later on...

The dreaded day that was not to be…Well, the very important conversation I was dreading, but needing, never happened today. Hmmm. Anyways, it's of no concern to  me. I've picked up the pieces and I'm doing just fine thank you.  

Last night I was moved. It's okay where I'm at. Kind of noisy. My neighbors are always fighting with each other. Always over gambling debts and such. Boy I'm glad I never picked up that vice.  

It started out to be a very beautiful day. The sun was out, it looked perfect, but then around 2 or so in the afternoon it just started storming. Kind of like an omen. Once it happened I pretty much realized I wouldn't be getting a visit.



June 20th, 2006

"No I won't do it again. I don't want to pretend. If it can't be like before I've got to let it end. I don't care what I want, I've had a change of head…"  – The Cure.

Don't ask me why I started this entry with that, but it's what's been going around in my head for the past few hours…The rain finally ended and now the sun is poking it's bright and sunny little head out. I turned my cell light out, because I prefer natural light to fluorescent. Plus, I look at it as doing my part for the environment. Yeah, yeah…, I know, I'm nuts, but still…Just like I do to save paper and trees now, I utilize both sides. I think everyone should do that.

Well, here's the latest Polunsky Unit / Death Row news: there is a toilet paper shortage! I kid you not. They posted a notice up saying we had to make what we have last for awhile. Man, that's not going to be a pretty situation for some. Haha. Today was a non-recreation day and was just as boring as yesterday. I got up at 6:30 pm for a  shower and then crawled back into bed until a little after eight in the  morning. I spent a little time talking with my neighbor, then we learned that there's an execution today. The guy they're going to kill (murder) is only like 22 or 23. He came to death row early 2000 or so. I know him well. I'm kind of pissed, because, while I don't know his case, from what I've gathered from him he's a product of his environment. Never had a stable family, in and out of state schools and boys homes…Yet, he said the prosecutors in his trial made it seem like he had every chance available to him to do right or better himself…This argument pisses me off so badly. I mean, when are people going to wake up and realize that regardless of the opportunities, not everybody works the same? You take all of the psychological problems of never having a family and his childhood…Some people just can't beat that. It affects the rest of their life. I'm pretty sure it's a safe bet that anyone who undergoes childhood damage, whether mentally or physically, will be affected for the rest of their lives. Whether or not it's apparent on the outside. I can be the most successful business man in the world, but could be addicted to drugs or worse. It's all out of sight, no one sees it so they say or think, "Wow! He really overcame his childhood tragedies…" My point is that I don't think it's fair for any prosecutor to say he had a fair chance in life, when he really didn't. Plus, the even more obvious observation to me would be that he is so young. You're telling me he's beyond redemption? That he's just so far gone, such a monster, that never in his life would he be able to change? I know this man. And to me he was always kind and friendly as a box of kittens: a big kid is what he was. I'd seen officers talk bad to him and treat him in all sorts of ways and he never even so much as barked back. "Even I will smart back if one of the guards are out of line. I'd never seen him do any of that. It really makes me angry. When are people going to pull their heads out of their asses and realize that this is WRONG??? You can't justify killing anyone (maybe, in honest to goodness, self-defense would be the ONLY allowance I could perceive …) for any reason. Argh! Sigh… It's all so sad.

I can smell dinner. It actually smells good, but I guarantee it's not what I'm having…Hmm…What do I predict?  Beans, vegetables and peanut butter and jelly. Hold on, it's here… Yep. The only item I got wrong was I had corn bread, too. Do you ever find it odd when certain things trigger memories from years ago? Things you forgot or just never thought about? I don't know why, but my cornbread did that to me. I started cracking up and saying to myself, "How on earth did a piece of cornbread trigger that memory?" I guess it's because when the corn bread crumbled it looked like grits. I've never really liked grits and I thought, "Yuck! My corn bread looks like grits", and that's when the memory hit. It had to do with me and my girl friend of the time in the summer of '95. Whenever I would go to Louisville (I was living in Lexington, Kentucky), I always met her at the end of the day at the frozen yogurt place she worked at. Sometimes  they'd let me into the back (yeah, I was that boyfriend everyone loved) of the place and I'd help out and wash the dishes and pans and stuff. Then after they closed up we would take the bus back to her place.  A lot of the times I would get an ice cream or soda before we left or she'd surprise me with a new flavor. As we were waiting for the bus she pulls this little white cup out and tells me to close my eyes and open my mouth. Now, I was always very afraid to do this, because she had a bad habit of putting odd things in my mouth, but being "in love" I always ended up doing it for her. So, here I am thinking she's going to feed me some new flavor of ice cream or something, I open my mouth up and she slides the spoon in and I taste something nasty. "Agh! What the hell is that?" I cry out. She's laughing and says, "Grits!" "Man, I thought it was going to be ice cream or something…", I said. But it was all in good fun. Huh. That brought up another memory. I used to have this mushroom necklace she gave to me. It's hard to describe it, basically it was a tear drop shaped piece of glass with a tiny glass mushroom inside of the tear drop. Really pretty. Well, she would take the necklace and put it in her mouth while it was still around my neck. This made me immobile and the only way I could move around again was that I had to kiss her, to make her drop the necklace out of her mouth. Man, were we some crazy kids or what? Haha. Good times.  

There's a really good song on the  buzz right now called "Hard To Beat" by the band Hard Fi. It's got a  kind of dancy feel to it. I like it. I will more than likely be moved in a little while so I should close this up for now. Plus, I need to do some push ups. I've been slacking today from boredom. Maybe I'll write a little more. I can feel my words coming back and I'm starting to thaw out from all of the B*S* of the past few months. Oh yeah, Randy is coming back...

I'll write some more if I can, later. Okay, wait, I have to write about this!! There's a guy who just took all of his clothing off in the dayroom and is running around in circles going, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!" What the hell is going on around here? I can't stop laughing, this is complete insanity! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! It's 7:00 pm on the dot. I could be wrong, but it looks like I won't be moving tonight.  

So, you're probably wondering what happened to the naked guy running around the day-room. Haha. It still is funny. They had to get a sergeant to come down and talk him into putting his clothing back on. After a few threats from the sergeant saying he would have to force him to get dressed, he stopped. Someone from the psych department had to come down and talk to him and they took the inmate off somewhere. Nobody knows what happened after that. I hope they don't treat him badly. You know, some people just mentally break back here. It gets very difficult holding onto your sanity when you're locked up in your cell 22-23 hours a day. Hold on, I'm going to jump into this debate that's going on. It sounds interesting!

Man, time flies! It's already 11pm. I just got done reading my mail, and having a little debate. I've got to get up at six in the morning, so I really need to get into bed, but I will go into the conversation we had, tomorrow. Wow, it was really good. I love some really good, intelligent debates and this one is one of the best I've had in a while.  

Alright. Good night and peaceful dreams!



June 19th, 2006

Hmmm. Where to begin? Today was pretty uneventful. Lots of rain, lots of boredom. I went to recreation today at six in the morning. It was an outside day for me. I had no clue, really that it was going to rain so I was greeted by a light mist as I stepped onto the recreation yard. I wanted to exercise, but it was too wet to do what I wanted to do. Tomorrow will be a no-recreation day for me so that should be even more boring than today. I can't wait.

Right now it's 6:44 pm and I'm sitting here listening to "Entertainment Tonight" on NBC. Nothing decent is playing on the radio. I'm supposed to get a visit this week. I've got mixed emotions about it. On one hand I look forward to it, on the othe…I know it's not going to be a whole lot of fun, because I have serious things to talk about so…I will just make the best of it that I can.  

You ever wonder why the news only ever reports "bad" news?  This is kind of a random thought that sprang from a little news update that came on to get people to tune in later tonight… I can't believe that people want to hear all about the latest murders and tragedies. That's what you want to go to bed to? Kind of creepy. It's like they do 10 minutes of horrible news and then they do a little upbeat segment and then the weather, and right before the sports they give you one more bad story just for good measure. Crazy.

There's a song out now by the group TOOL called "Vicarious" and it's really good. It's basically a commentary on how people watch all of this suffering from their couches. The line where he says, "I like to watch things die …Vicariously I live while the whole world dies…" Some idiot back here said that it was cool that he was singing that and I said, "Dude, do you even know what he's talking about?" He said, "Yeah, he's talking about killing and stuff." I just kind of looked at him in pity wondering if I should even really bother explaining the song to him. I guess my point is: I just think it's strange that we as a society or culture would take so much pleasure in another's misery. I know I don't want to see a mother on T.V. in agony over losing a loved one. Man, we're strange people. We really are. It's like the other day a guard asked me why I didn't eat meat and didn't I get tired of eating just beans and vegetables. Yeah, I do get tired of having the same meal everyday, but I take comfort in the fact that I don't have to eat some poor animal. Then the guard says, "Hey, I like animals, too. I love them, but so long as I don't have to kill them I'll eat them." That logic just left me standing at my door dumbfounded. And why do people look down on vegetarians like we're abnormal? I haven't solved that mystery yet…Am I just rambling or what?  

I just took a look out my window. It's still overcast, but the rain has let up. There are some birds pecking around for dinner on the grass out there. It's neat to watch them. I've noticed they have a grid system they use. Each bird will be in what seems a square foot section of grass. They all walk in line together pecking away at the ground. When  one finds a fruitful area they all immediately fly/hop to that area and begin to peck. It's pretty neat.

Mail should come anytime now. Here recently everything seems to be on time, but that's subject to change. Honestly, I really don't expect anything tonight, Mondays are generally a no mail day. I think that does it for today. But before I leave, I have to recommend two new songs from the group Snow Patrol: "Hands Open" and "Chasing  Cars". The latter is a tear jerker. Both excellent.

Good night and Peace.



June 18th, 2006

I think I'm going to have a lot to say this next week. I've been contemplating a lot of things and have some new theories on love and life. I can't figure out why I'm so obsessed with the idea of soulmates and that never ending quest of "true" love. It's crazy, but I'm determined to figure it all out before I leave this planet...

I'll get back to normal writing tomorrow. I've got much to say, so stay tuned.

Peace.



June 10th, 2006

I woke up with a lot of energy. I did some cleaning up and exercixed. When lunch came I didn't eat much, just the mashed potatoes and the green beans. At about 10:45 am I went outside with my neighbor and we exercised for about an hour. Then I laid out in the sun and got toasted. Man, you should see my dome. It's like a bright pink! My nose is crispy and tender. Luckily, we got a little bit of extra time and so decided to play a game of basketball. First one to fifty points. I lost by ten. I was holding the lead until I tripped on the ball (I'm a natural born klutz…) and it threw my whole mojo off. Well, that's my excuse and they come a dime a dozen.  

I'm getting ready to listen to the movie "Toy Story 2". I hope it's funny. I need some laughs. I never got a chance to watch it. I'm missing a lot of good movies. The buzz right now is that KDOL was on the Houston CBS news report last night. I missed it 'cause I listen to NBC news, but everyone is saying it's really good and it doesn't bash the radio station. I think that's pretty cool. Maybe it'll help bring them more donations and outside help. I'm sure that would be nice. I wonder how they got interviewed.

I think I'll close here for the night. I've got some other writing to do and I want to check out this movie.

Peace!



June 9th, 2006

My attorney came today. Nothing really new to report. My appeals are on hold still and I've got a long ways to go. I learned that one of my co-defendants may be trying to drop his appeals. What that means is that he will no longer fight the death sentence and they will issue him an execution date. My lawyers are going to try to stop him from doing this for several reasons, but also because he's crucial to my case. He has to testify that I had no role in the shootings.

I just really don't feel like writing much. I'm tired...

Peace.





June 8th, 2006

Well, that was very strange and disgusting. I went to medical to get my ear cleaned out and so they put this little tube with a big giant syringe type deal and fill it up with hot water and shoot the water directly in to my ear canal. They did this for a few minutes to break the wax up and little pieces were gushing out and then PLOP this giant ball of nasty wax came out and I could hear everything crystal clear. I was soooo happy! I've 100% hearing back and when I turned on my radio and put the head phones on, it was like hearing brand new songs.

The day, otherwise has been long and uneventful. I'm just waiting on the mail...

Peace.





June 7th, 2006

Another day. It's been very busy today. I got caught up on a lot of things and I even got into another argument over the whole gay amendment thing. Another gay basher. Ignorance and intolerance really chap my hide.

Remember my ear problem? Well, this like never happens, but for some reason the doctor called me back down to medical to take another look at my ear. Turns out I don't have a ruptured ear canal…He said I just have a giant ball of wax blocking the path, so they're going to clean it out tomorrow. I should get my hearing back then. That'll be awesome!

Okay, I will close here.

Peace.



June 6th, 2006

Holy cow! It's the day of the devil. Ohhhhh. I'm so freaking scared! No, seriously, I'm tripping out listening to all of these news reports and some evangelical program talking about today could be the day. Well, I sure wish it was so I could leave this forsaken planet.

Don't have much planned for the day. I need to clean my cell and do some laundry. Think I'll do that right now. Well, it's seven at night now. I was just moved to B-pod 30 cell. It's a pretty nice cell. It's just very echoy. If that's even a word. I've got a good neighbor.  



June 5th, 2006

Okay, I'm going to say this again: mainstream radio sucks! Yes, I like some of the music that is out that is played often on the radio, but some songs I can't figure out for the life of me how they get played as much as they do. I cannot believe that the majority of listeners have such awful taste in music! Maybe I'm being a snob, but man…I've heard a few songs on this Alternative Rock station that for one thing aren't even "Alternative" and also that they are so annoying and sound so alike and they've been playing them for almost a year now and I could hear them probably about three or four times an hour. Let it die man… Sorry, I had to get that off my chest. Right now Rice University doesn't have a DJ in so I'm stuck listening to crap!

Today is a no recreation day. It's hot and I've been trying to keep my mind off of the mail for tonight. I don't think I've ever dreaded the mail, but I'm actually dreading the mail for tonight. Long, private story as to why, and I'm not going to tell it all here...don't worry. Well, either tonight's mail or tomorrow's mail.

I got up about 6:30 am this morning for a shower and have spent most of the day reading. I'm not in much of a writing mood, but I figured I'd get something down. Hey, wow…The Buzz is actually playing a decent song. "Terrible Lie" by Nine Inch Nails. There's a part in this song where Trent Reznor sings, "Don't turn away from me, I need you to hold onto…" This is probably one of my faves by NIN.

Well, I think that does it for now. We'll see if I have anything to write about concerning the mail tonight. I hope it's not as bad as I'm anticipating.

Peaceful dreams...



June 4th, 2006

Hey…Sundays are so drab. Actually it hasn't been terribly bad. I've managed to stay busy. It's a little after two in the afternoon right now a little over 90 ° outside. I looked out my window and it seems to be really nice. Not too many clouds. I wish I could open it up and get some fresh air. That would be a real pleasure.

I think I pulled a shoulder muscle yesterday, 'cause my right shoulder is killing me. I can't remember what I wanted to write about today. I was going to tell a funny story, but now I can't remember… I need to start writing different thoughts down. Sometimes when I'm cleaning my cell or shaving or doing other things I'll think, "Hey! That'll be good to tell in my journal, but then I don't write it down. Sheesh. I did want to write about a memory of being in prison that was inspired by the book I am reading. The author is talking to various people in the south and how the American Civil War still affects them. Well, there's this one loony guy, he's interviewing  and he's spouting off how the Jews are taking over the world etc. Yet, the author is Jewish. He asks the loony guy, "Well have you met a Jew?" He says, "No, but I could pick them out." The author says, "Well, I'm Jewish." So, the crazy guy goes, "Huh. Well, you seem okay to me. I just don't like them Zionists…"

When I was in general population I had been approached by many different racist gangs and such. I was never afraid to tell people I was Jewish and most were shocked, when I told them, 'cause they had never really met a Jew. It was pretty funny. Almost every single response was always, "Well, you seem cool to me." Like they expected this big nosed, money hungry Semite. And then, whenever they were around me they would stop talking their anti-Semitic trash. It was pretty funny.  

That's nuts…It's not even 2:20 pm, and they're passing out dinner. Huh. I guess I'll close up kind of early. I still have to finish some letters and stuff.

Peace.



June 3rd, 2006

Wow! The sun is finally out! It looks gorgeous outside. Although, it's sad that I can't get out today. I tried asking the guards, but she said no. Oh well. I haven't gotten any sun all week. I need sunshine!

My day is still early. I'll be going to recreation in a short while. I've just been spending my time reading this awesome book called "Confederate In The Attic". It's about how the civil war affected the American south and how it still affects most southerners to this day.

I was born and raised in the south, but I've never had a hold on it. I'm a Yankee at heart, though I do like the generosity of the south. Well, some of us have it anyways. In most ways I just think southerners are a bunch of right winged fanatics. But Southern Liberals are the best! This book is really good, though, and I like it a lot.

Got some laundry out of the way. My jumper is hanging up to dry right now. By the time I get back from rec. it should be dry, I'm hoping. I'm the worlds biggest klutz! I was getting ready to go to recreation when I decided I wanted some coffee. I made some and poured it into a small milk bottle that had a snap on lid. As the guard showed up to pull me out, I sat the bottle on the ledge of my sink and as the guard put the handcuffs on me, the bottle falls off the ledge and bursts on the floor sending coffee everywhere! What could I do? I had cuffs on and so I couldn't clean it up until I returned from recreation. Which during that time had dried up into a great brown mess. Plus, it smelled so bad. This instant freeze dried coffee smells like piss when it dries out. Ugh.

Right now I'm listening to the Disney movie "Toy Story". I remember seeing this in the theaters way back in 1995. It blew me away. Listening to it now, I'm reminded at how good this movie is. Hey! The Dallas Mavericks basketball team beat the Phoenix Suns and are going to the NBA Finals! Woohoo! That's my team.  hey'll be playing The Miami Heat. Should be a good championship. For those who don't know about American Basketball: they will play seven games. Whoever wins four games wins the whole deal.

Okay, I think I'll turn in now. More tomorrow!



June 2nd, 2006

Friday. At least this week went by fast. It still is raining though, when they swore it was going to stop. What is the deal!?

I wish I had more to say than that, but I'm kind of in a funk.



June 1st, 2006

It's June. Yeehaw! I went to medical this morning...I'm not that badly off… I've got high blood pressure from stress and eating too much salty foods (i.e. peanuts, nuts and chips…Hey! What else can I eat? That's about all there is for me.) I'm not getting enough sleep from depression and so he referred me to their wonderful psychiatric department in which they offered to dope me up so I could sleep and I said nope, ain't happening. I have low iron, which just means I've got to take a vitamin that has iron in it. I have to stop eating salty foods. The worst news was I have a ruptured ear canal and some fluid leakage. I got some ear drop antibiotics for that. He thinks I'll probably have some permanent hearing loss. That sucks, because I rely on my ears for so much. I mean, sound is my world. I'll get a check up in about 4-6 weeks. If I want then, I can have a hearing test, but they don't offer them on this unit, so I will probably be sent to another unit for a day or so. That's a long ways away, though. Sigh…What can you do?

What a wonderful start to the month!


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