Falling Down (Ch. 39) - Randy Halprin
Randy Halprin
"We tend to see a person in the moment, not as the journey they travelled to get here." Kat Lehmann
Memoirs
**Warning...contains offensive language, and reference to drug use**
FALLING DOWN : PART TWO (1996)
Chapter 39
(by Randy E. Halprin)
A Memoir
Not long after reconnecting with Mindi, I made a friend at the shelter – a guy named Todd. He was a Gulf War veteran from the early '90s, and he and his wife had fallen on hard times due to what was diagnosed as “Gulf War Syndrome.” He told me that doctors didn't know the cause of it, but more and more veterans from the Iraq war in the early '90s were suddenly becoming ill. It had incapacitated him enough that he could no longer keep a job for a long period of time, and so he was waiting on benefits from the government, and an apartment.
One day, Todd asked me if I smoked weed and I told him I had in the past, but I was trying to not do any drugs at all now. Then he asked me if I did acid and I told him that it was my favourite thing to do, but again, I was trying to stay clean.
“I respect that, bro. I'm just saying I can get it if you need it.”
I really was trying so hard to fly straight...Having seen Mindi and her family, I didn't want to let them down and I wanted so desperately to show my parents that I could do it on my own, and that I could get my life straightened out. Mindi worked during the day at Six Flags, but told me she was going to leave to start preparing to go to college, so if I wasn't doing some kind of temporary labor I could swing by or she could pick me up, and we could hang out. I'd go to various stores with her and help her to pick out college stuff, and things for her dorm room, and sometimes I'd hang out with her friends and boyfriend too.
The summer Olympics were in full swing in Atlanta, Georgia, so we'd watch some of the events at her place. I remember one day when Mindi got up to use the bathroom, and her boyfriend asked me if I'd ever slept with Mindi.
“What? No! Dude, we were 13 when we went out...Look man, Mindi is just a life long friend. I'm not a threat, so it's cool,” I said.
I felt sorry for him. I could empathise with being in love so deeply with someone, and then the fear of losing them...You feel like holding on tighter.
“She loves you, man. Don't let it be your fall.” I advised.
“I appreciate that.” He said.
Back at the shelter, Todd offered to drive me back and forth to the Burlington Coat Factory if I wanted to try for the job. I couldn't pass up the opportunity and believed that if I had a more secure job, I could then try to approach my parents. I took him up on the offer and he drove me down Cooper Street to the new store. I went in and the place looked bare boned. It had clearly just been built and there were some carpenters there building shelves, and people laying carpet. I approached a guy in khaki dress pants and dress shirt, and asked if he knew where I could apply for a job.
“I'm the person you need to talk to,” he said.
“Are you hiring?” I asked.
“We are. Let me get you an application form and go ahead and fill it out. When you're finished, come back and talk to me.”
He grabbed a form and pen, handed it to me and I filled it out. I put my home address on it because I was tired of being turned down for being homeless. When I was done I handed it back to him, he scanned it and said, “Can you work today?”
“Yeah!” I said.
“You're hired. I want to be straight up with you, though...I'm only hiring on a temporary basis. We want to have this place opened in time for the Back to School sales, and so we're working around the clock. Once we have the place ready to roll, we'll pull in employees from other stores to work here, but you'll be more than welcome to re-apply for a sales clerk job.”
I ran out and asked Todd to come back at 5pm, as I'd been hired. I was a little disappointed that it wasn't a permanent job like I wanted, but I couldn't pass up the pay – a little above minimum wage – and I needed the money. When I went back inside, the guy who hired me told me I'd be building clothing racks that came in kits, but were easy to assemble. He lead me to a small group of people who had metal poles, and other bits and pieces strewn across the ground and told them, “Show him how to put these together.”
Everyone said hello and we all introduced ourselves to one another. A stereo system was cranked all the way up to my favourite alternative station, The Edge, and I got to work, bobbing my head to the music.
As we were working, a commercial came on that immediately caught my attention...
“Coming August 25th to Reunion Arena in Dallas, Texas, for their US Mood Swing Tour...THE CURE!!!” My head jerked up and I was so excited! I had a chance to see The Cure? The Gods were surely smiling upon me! Meeting up with Mindi, finally getting a job – even if only temporary – and now The Cure coming to Texas? I didn't know how I'd get to Dallas, but I knew that when I received my first pay cheque some of it was going towards a ticket to see them...It had long been one of my wishes to see them in concert. I went back to work with a new found pep in my step.
At the end of the day I asked the guy in charge when we'd be paid, and he said the following week. Then I walked out to the parking lot to wait for Todd to pick me up and take us back to the shelter. On the way back he told me that he'd been approved for an apartment in Fort Worth, and would be leaving the shelter in early August. I congratulated him, and told him of my own good fortune.
“I'll go to The Cure concert with you, but you gotta buy the tickets.”
“That's totally worth you driving me to the Reunion Arena!” I agreed.
When we got back to the shelter, I decided that nothing could go wrong for me and decided to call home. My mom answered and I told her, “I've got some good news, mom. I've got a job at the new Burlington Coat Factory. Well, it's just until it opens up, but there's a chance I could be a sales clerk after it's opened up officially.”
“That's good.”
“I feel like things are looking up.”
“Is that why you called?” She asked.
“Well, I wanted to talk to Jimmy and Kevin. Will you put them on?”
“No.” She said.
I was shocked.
“What do you mean, 'no'? Mom, they're my brothers!” I pleaded.
“I'll let you walk to Wesley, but not Jimmy and Kevin.”
“Why? Why just Wesley?” I asked, confused.
“We don't want you to negatively influence them.”
“Seriously? No, I get it...Wesley is my 'real' brother, so it's okay to talk to him, but Jimmy and Kevin aren't? I changed their diapers, patiently dealt with Jimmy when he'd pee in my bed late at night...I cooked eggs with them and did other brotherly things, and they aren't my 'real' brothers? That's such bullshit...I'd never hurt them...How could you ever think I'd 'influence' them?”
“Randy...” My mom said, but I cut her off.
“No, I understand. I'm such a screw up you don't want me around them. Just know that even though they aren't my blood brothers, I have never seen them as anything but my REAL brothers! You've truly taken away everything I have ever loved. Thank you.” I said, and hung up the phone.
Everything inside of me fell again, and the anger returned to the surface. I saw now that no matter how hard I tried with my parents, I was as good as dead to them. I surrendered to that fact...Raised the white flag within myself, and any motivation I had just died in that moment.
Todd was sitting on a couch with his wife and he could tell I was upset.
“What's wrong, dude?”
“Nothing. Hey...Remember what you asked me about a couple of days ago? Can you get some?”
“Yeah. Give me a couple of days and I've got you.”
I still hung out with Mindi for a little longer. I remember one night she was going to try to hook me up with one of her friends, and we all went out to see the movie, 'Paranormal' with Michael J. Fox, and then we ate in an Irish restaurant called, “Bennigans.” The friend and I never made a connection, but it was one of the last nights I'd see Mindi.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
My first serious blow up came on an off day from work, I was hanging out at the day shelter, napping on a bench, when a female case worker from the Arlington Night Shelter showed up and said, “I need some people to help drive some cars.” I had long lost my driver's permit, so when she made the announcement, I laid back down on the bench.
“How about you, Halprin?” Want to drive some cars? We're paying.” She asked.
“I can't. I don't have a driver's license.”
She didn't say anything, but a couple of other people jumped at the opportunity. When we all returned to the Night Shelter that evening, one of the counsellors called me into his office. He told me to sit down, he needed to ask me some questions.
“What's up?” I asked.
“I know you have the job at the Burlington Coat Factory, but as you know, temporary jobs don't count. I really need you to show us that you're looking for a permanent job. A letter, something that we can put in your file. You're getting dangerously close to the time we need people to have a job by.”
“I'm doing my best. No one wants to hire a homeless person.” I said.
“Well, you didn't take the job offered today. Mary said she asked you to work and you refused.”
“I didn't fucking refuse! I told her I didn't have a driver's licence! She's lying!” I snapped.
“Calm down,” he said.
“No! This is bullshit! I'm trying to find a job, I'm working, I'm doing all that I can and I'm still being shit on and lied about? Do you know how hard it is for a homeless 18 year old to find a job when they don't even have a high school diploma? I can't even get a Burger King to hire me.”
I was so angry I was shaking, and I had a sudden impulse to throw the desk in front of me, across the room...
“Take a breath. I know. I know. We're just trying to encourage you.”
“Well, you don't 'encourage' me by lying about me. It's bullshit. If I had my license, I would've jumped at the opportunity.”
“Okay. I'll make a note of that.”
“So, is her bullshit going to stay on my file?”
“I'm afraid so. I can't change it, even if it isn't true.”
I stormed out of the office and went to find Todd so I could tell him what just happened. “Well, I can take you to one of those employment centers and we can make a fake document saying you've been hired somewhere.”
“I don't know about that.”
“They'll never know and it'll buy you some time in the shelter at the very least.” I thought about it and felt it was harmless, so why not? I was beginning to feel like things were starting to spin out of control again, and if this offered some stability, I couldn't pass on the idea.
The next day Todd drove me to an employment center that had computers, printers, and office supplies.
“What's the name of the business where your friend works?” He asked.
“Mindi? I don't know. It was some kind of photo company at Six Flags.”
Todd looked through the yellow pages and found the name of the company, wrote it down, and handed it to me. “Now, you'll make a letter head with that company name, and say that you've been hired. Then sign it with Mindi's name.”
“She's not a manager or anything.”
“It doesn't matter. It'll look good enough to buy you time. That's all.”
I went to work on the computer and did as Todd instructed, making what looked like a credible business letter. We printed it out and he signed it in her name. I felt extremely guilty for using my friend like this, but I had hoped if she ever found out she'd understand the circumstances.
Later that evening I handed the letter to a counsellor and he said, “This is great. We'll put it in your file.” I breathed a sigh of relief!
I was still extremely stressed though...I'd started using acid again, and at the shelter, Charity would continue to push her kid off on me. I tried to avoid her as much as possible, and I noticed she was starting to flirt with Todd more and more, and he was eating it up. He was a married man, but I knew he wasn't faithful. I didn't think he was a bad guy, but in my normal circumstances, I wouldn't have chosen to hang out with him.
I also remember a girl being forced to do some community service at the shelter. She had dyed her hair, and she was extremely attractive and just a year or two younger than me. We hit it off talking about music and spent hours hanging out on nights at the shelter. One night she asked me if I did drugs and I said, “Yeah...” She pulled out a bottle of mini thins – something I hadn't seen since Bill shared some with me in Kentucky, and whilst I didn't like the experience at the time, she shook them at me and said, “We can take these and fuck.”
I held out my hand and she poured some out, then we swallowed them...I was soon amped up, but my stomach didn't feel right. We had sex on a couch, and shortly afterwards I passed out. I woke up feeling like someone was shaking my shoulder very delicately, and then I heard the girl's voice...
“Hey...Hey...Randy?”
I opened my eyes and was confused. “Yeah?”
“You messed yourself,” she said.
I didn't know what she was talking about, but then I felt something warm and wet on the backside of my pants...I had shit myself. I felt so embarrassed and humiliated. What was it about taking anything that sped me up that made me so sick? Whether it was caffeine pills I popped back at OBI, or the mini thins in Kentucky, and now...It never ended well for me.
I jumped up, ran to the shower area, and washed off. By the time I had finished, the girl had left the shelter, her community hours over with. I never saw her again. I couldn't help but think that is how I will forever be remembered by her – the guy she had sex with, who then shit his pants.
My life sucked.