Falling Down (Ch. 11) - Randy Halprin
Randy Halprin
"We tend to see a person in the moment, not as the journey they travelled to get here." Kat Lehmann
Memoirs
FALLING DOWN : PART ONE (1995)
Chapter 11
(by Randy E. Halprin)
A Memoir
We had an early snow that November of 1995. It began to fall as I was heading to dinner to meet up with some of my friends. The sky was a dark charcoal grey, and whilst I had no winter coat, I did have a light jacket, and pulled it tighter around me as the wind picked up and a freezing breeze whipped off the Kentucky Hills. I looked up at the sky and watched as billions of crystalline flakes fell from the clouds...It was going to be a long and cold winter.
In the cafeteria I made a salad and joined Tracy's brother, Jim, and our friend Jason. The girls dorm was connected to the main cafeteria, and suddenly Tracy burst from the doors excitedly, running to our table.
“ I did it! I made it!” She screamed.
“Did what?” Jim asked.
“I was nominated for the Yearbook Pageant!”
The Yearbook Pageant was an annual event for female seniors, and about 10 girls were “nominated” to compete in talent, essay and gown. The year before, I thought it was a given that Tracy would be nominated given her fantastic performance as “Christine” in the school's production of “The Phantom of the Opera” and other events at school, but because in more recent years it had devolved into a popularity contest, she didn't think she would make the cut. We didn't try to fit in with the jocks or “cool kids,” we were the freaks and geeks, but I still believed she'd get picked in her senior year.
“We all knew that was going to happen,” Jason said.
“You're going to escort me, right Randy?” She asked, looking at me.
“Hell no! No way!” I joked, as she gauged the seriousness of my face. “Do you really have to ask? Yes! I don't know where I'm going to find a suit, but yes!”
Jim asked if she had called her mom yet and she said she hadn't. As they talked about how excited their family was going to be, I felt my stomach drop...I suddenly felt quite sad because if they were coming down to attend the event, it meant that I wouldn't be able to hang around her. I'd escort her to the stage and that would be it. After that, I'd have to fade away into the crowd, and hang with my friends as she had her moment with her family. It hurt, and I started thinking about how crappy things really were, and had been for a while. Just because I was at school with all of my friends and it looked like I was going to graduate, my problems hadn't really gone away. They had just been buried slightly beneath the surface...buried in a shallow grave that would soon be exposed by the elements and the scavengers that would eventually pull my bones clean.
I took a sip of tea and a bite of my salad, acting like nothing was wrong, and rejoined the conversation.
Another big event coming up was mine and Tracy's one year anniversary. I needed to find her a gift of some sort, and plan that day out as well. I think it was around 7th November...I went to the canteen, withdrew a few dollars, and headed to the school's craft shop to see if they had anything there. It was an old renovated log cabin from the 1800s, and had everything from quilts, to books, and gifts for family members visiting the school. My dad used to buy quilts there all of the time. I noticed a hand sewn bear in the shop, and decided to get that for her.
The day of our anniversary we met in the grill and I had the bear hidden out of sight. She sat down and I went to get us something to eat. She liked French fries with mayonnaise, and I was a burger person. I brought the food back and gave her the French fries. Then, I gave the bear to her...”It isn't much, but I'll make it up to you.” I said. She leaned in and hugged me quickly, looked around to make sure no staff could see her, and kissed me quickly. We talked and enjoyed our food, then some friends came by and congratulated us, and I thought to myself that the year had felt more like five years...That we had been dating for so much longer! She looked at me and said, “What are you thinking?”
“Doesn't it feel like so much longer than one year?”
“It does. Hopefully, this next year won't be the same mess the last year was?”
“I don't plan on it. I think we're good! Things are falling into place.”
Suddenly her face took on an “Oh shit!” look, and she said. “I forgot your gift!” She jumped up, pushed her chair back and took off.
I wasn't expecting anything. I was happy with her presence, but after about ten minutes passed she came running back into the grill with a large navy blue winter coat. I was a bit puzzled...Was the gift wrapped up in the coat to hide it? She handed me the coat and I began to dig into the pockets, thinking the gift was in there. She did like to play games sometimes, so I was thinking she was having some fun at my expense. “I can't find it!” I said, exasperated.
“There's nothing to find. You've got it!”
“The coat?” I said, confused.
“Yeah! You needed a winter coat so I bought you one!”
It wasn't my intention to sound ungrateful...I was actually thrilled I had a winter coat because I really did need one, but I never had anyone actually buy me a coat as a gift...Oh, I had received some sweaters and a ton of clothing for my Bar-Mitzvah, but never a winter coat!
“Why did you get me a coat?” I said, not intending to sound like a jackass, even though that's exactly how I sounded...
Her entire demeanour changed. She looked at me hurt, got up, and left the bear in the seat. “Tracy!” I called after her as she was leaving, but she ignored me and walked out of the grill. I asked a girl sitting at another table to run and chase her down for me, and after about ten minutes or so, she returned. I asked her to sit...”Please...” She sat down and put the bear on the table.
“I love the coat! I really do! I'm sorry...I didn't mean for it to sound like I don't...I'm just surprised...Thank you!” She grabbed for the bear and held it close. “I just wanted you to be warm,” she said.
“Believe me, I needed this...Thank you!”
We managed to move on and enjoy the rest of the evening.
As the Yearbook Pageant neared, I had to practice walking Tracy to the stage. Apparently there was a specific protocol for these types of events, and whilst I found it all to be a little rigid and ridiculous, it wasn't about me – it was Tracy's day and I was just there to support her.
When we talked about what she was going to do for the talent portion, I suggested a monologue of some sort, or maybe a piece from a play. She excelled in this area, and I really believed that she'd win if she stuck to her stronger talents. Instead, she insisted on singing a Cat Stevens song, with her uncle accompanying her on the guitar. She was a fine singer and actually pretty good on the piano as well, but I believed she was making a mistake.
I still needed to find a suit, so I headed down to the Friendship House. The Friendship House was a used clothing store for low income families who lived in the hills of the Oneida area. As students, we referred to them as the “townies.” The store received most of its clothing by way of church donations, or from the parents of the students who attended OBI. My friend Wayne and I would volunteer to sort clothing out and put them on the racks during our 8th and 9th grades, on the weekends. I knew the woman who ran the place, Ms Haggerty, really well. She also ran the “White House” - a guest house for people visiting the school, and staying for a few days. Wayne and I volunteered there as well. There were little “perks” at the Friendship House, but at the White House, we had free run of the kitchen! Ms Haggerty had a no-nonsense-matter-of-fact attitude, but she also had a kind heart beneath the tough girl act. I walked through the door one afternoon, and Ms Haggerty was standing behind the counter watching her beloved soap operas. “Hey, Mrs H,” I said.
“Sshh!” Talk to me in the commercial break!” She barked...So, I stood there until the commercials came on. “What is it you want, Randy? I ain't got nuthin' to sort right now...winter's almost here and the town folks done got everything.”
“I just stopped by 'cause I need to find a suit for the Yearbook Pageant.”
She suddenly brightened up, and walking from around the counter, said, “I got plenty of those! C'mere...” She started showing me suits as fast as she could so she could get back to her show. She opened a closet, and hanging on a rack were a bunch of different suits.
“Pick something out and log it in the books. Good luck!” She said, returning to behind the counter.
The pickings were slim...Most were either way too big or too old. I stumbled upon a black coat and slacks, and tried them on. The fit was a bit snug, but I thought it would work. I went to the counter to ask Ms Haggerty what she thought, “Great!” She said. “Wonderful! Now git! Git! I changed clothes back to my jeans and shirt and put the coat and slacks on a hanger, pulling a garbage bag over the top of it. Then I logged it out as a “donation” and headed back to the dorms. I borrowed a pair of dress shoes, and a white dress shirt from Jason, but I still needed to find a nice tie. I asked around, but no one had anything that would match the red dress Tracy would be wearing, so I headed to Mr Gibson's apartment to see if I could borrow something from him.
Mr Gibson had been my dorm Dean at Baker Hall, and had invited me and Wayne to spend the night or weekends at his place, numerous times, and I also knew he was a bit of a clothes horse. In fact, he was the one who suggested we volunteer at the Friendship House when we were living in Baker Hall. When Wayne and I moved to the high school dorms though, we kind of drifted apart from Mr Gibson, and when he answered my knock at the door, I could tell he was a bit surprised to see me.
“Hey, Mr. Gibson”
“Randy!...What can I do for you?”
“I need a tie for the Yearbook Pageant.”
“What's the colour scheme?” He asked.
“Uh, she's wearing a red sequinned dress, and I found a black coat and slacks at the Friendship House.”
He disappeared into his apartment and came back with a few ties. I saw a really nice black tie with an arrangement of red flowers. “Ohhhh - that one looks great!”
“This is one of my favourites. You can borrow it, but I want it back. If you eat anything, cover it up or take it off.”
“Gotchya!” I said, thanking him, before heading back to the dorm.
I still needed to get my hair cut. I used to have really thick dark hair, and when it wasn't cut it became quite unruly, and I had to tame it with about a gallon of Rave hairspray...Number Four specifically. I used to get my hair cut by Ms Lawson, the night-time Dorm Dean of Baker Hall, but she was long gone...So, I asked around if anyone could cut hair. A couple of kids offered and they had the clippers to do so, but this was too big of an event to put my trust into a kid with a pair of clippers! When Mr Heffelfinger said he had cut his daughter's hair before, I thought, what the heck, and asked if he didn't mind doing it.
He brought some clippers and scissors into the TV room in Marvin Wheeler dormitory, and cut my hair. I remember it being a bit shorter than I had wanted, but it was good enough. Jason suggested I slick my hair back... “It looks more professional,” he said, but I wasn't keen on looking like a mobster in a suit.
I was ready to go! I was still upset that I wouldn't be able to properly “celebrate” the pageant with Tracy because her family would be with her, but I was happy for her and proud of her. It was her day and if it meant taking the sidelines, so be it.
The day before the pageant I helped set up the stage. I remember assembling some cardboard lamp posts and blowing up balloons as well as taping down cords to the stage lights and spot light. I helped the sound guy, a kid named Josh – the school's tech whiz at the time - get the sound properly mixed. I had ulterior motives in helping him out...I wanted Tracy to sound fantastic, so I made sure the soundboard was as perfect as it could be.
The girls still had to practice and so were were asked to leave, but I'd return the next day to do a few last minute things, clean up, and wish Tracy “good luck.” As I left the chapel I felt deflated though, and an overwhelming sadness came over me. The sun was setting, and as the cold Kentucky sky turned from a grey to a clay red, I decided to watch the sun set. There used to be some boulders at the top of a hill that overlook the school's track and field. If you sat on the rocks you got a panoramic view of the horizon: a bridge that crossed Goose Creek, and the farm and rolling hills in the distance, filled with beautiful evergreen trees. It was a wonderful sight. I watched the sky take on a haunting colour of red and grey. In its beauty, I thought about God – something I had not really done in a while - and a feeling stirred within me...I just started talking out loud to the view before me.
“God...I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of my screw ups and the lying and stealing. I just want my life to be back to normal. I just want things to be like they were before I screwed everything up...” I stopped, caught my breath, and then the tears began to flow, like a damn bursting.
“I just want...I want to spend tomorrow with Tracy, and I wish I didn't have to hide from her family or disappear. I really want to spend that day with her. But I can't, and at the very least...please just let things get back to normal in my life. I'm sick and tired of feeling like this...of having this sadness sit on my soul.”
As the sun disappeared, I wiped my tears away and I got up and headed back to my room.
The day of the pageant came; I ate lunch with Tracy and then headed to the chapel to finish getting things together. I knew the girls would show up to get dressed and ready, so I was stalling for Tracy to show up. As I was vacuuming, the girls came in. She ran over to me, hugged me, and I told her I was going to go and get ready myself, when from the back of the chapel I heard her mom call out to her...I quickly wrapped up the cord to the vacuum, kissed her and said, “Okay, gotta go...good luck, and I'll see you in a bit!” I didn't want to cause a scene so I tried to slip away quickly and quietly. I had almost reached the side door when I heard, “Randy! Stop!” I froze...Tracy's mom came up to me quickly and she stopped right in front of me. I was stunned. This was the first time she had uttered a single word to me since earlier that summer when she took me to the Grey Hound bus station.
“Randy...I forgive you. You had a bad summer and did some really stupid things, and I was angry. But just as I gave my son a second chance, I knew in my heart I should give you one too. I don't think you're a bad person. We love you.”
I couldn't believe what I was hearing! My eyes welled up with tears, and I looked at Tracy and she was crying...Then her mom began to cry and we all stood there crying and hugging. I didn't want to cut the moment short, but I had to get back to my dorm and get dressed as well. Tracy told me to get going and I hugged her mom one more time and said, “Thank you. I...just...thank you!” I took off running with a renewed spirit!
Tracy didn't win that night, but it was still wonderful. I met her uncle, her grandparents, and even played some piano for them when Tracy told them I was a good musician. There were a ton of pictures taken that night. When the evening came to an end, Tracy's family were going to go into town to have a family moment. The night was cold and Tracy had only her dress on, so I took off my coat and draped it over her shoulders as I walked everyone to a van that the family had driven down in. I was still floating in the clouds, in a state of wonder, as they all climbed into the van and it pulled away.
As I was walking back to my dorm alone in the cold night, I looked to the dark sky and said, “Thanks, God. I'll try not to let you down.”