Falling Down (Ch. 21) - Randy Halprin
Randy Halprin
"We tend to see a person in the moment, not as the journey they travelled to get here." Kat Lehmann
Memoirs
**Warning...contains offensive language**
FALLING DOWN : PART TWO (1996)
Chapter 21
(by Randy E. Halprin)
A Memoir
After a couple of days at Steak Fest, I had everything figured out and they soon had me taking orders. They kept talking about “deliveries” but no one had sent me out to deliver anything yet. I enjoyed the job and the people who ran the place were kind and warm. If I made my own lunch, I could eat for free, and I was usually finished work for the day around 3 or 4 in the afternoon.
One day after work, I headed back to Emma's. She said she needed to talk to me, and I could tell it was kind of important by her body language. She looked really uncomfortable...After she lead me to her room, she closed the door.
“My dad wants you to leave tonight,” she said.
“What? Like right now, tonight?”
“Yeah.”
“Where am I supposed to go, Emma, and for that matter, I thought you were going to talk to him about letting me rent the extra room?”
“It's not happening, and I was just invited to move in with some girlfriends from work, and we're going to rent the space underneath us.”
“Seriously? Emma-”
“I know, I know, but it's my dad's choice.”
“What about moving with you? I can pay rent.”
“It's a girls only kind of deal.”
This was crazy talk...She knew I had nowhere to go.
“Emma, where am I going to go?” I asked.
“There's a place called the Hope Center. It's a homeless shelter.”
“No! No fucking way am I going to a shelter. I'm not a hobo!”
“Did you really just say that? Homeless people aren't hobos!”
“I didn't mean it like that. I just...I can't live in a homeless shelter.”
There was a pause between us for a few minutes, and then she spoke...
“I'm sorry, Randy. I've helped in every way that I could. This is your mess, not everyone else's.”
“Yeah...”
I started gathering my stuff...Somehow Emma had my soccer bag from the summer. I didn't even remember leaving it with her, but instead of using my suitcase, I shoved everything into it. It was large enough to fit my things in. I picked up her phone and called a taxi cab.
“Don't forget, please pay me back the money I loaned you.”
“I will.” I replied.
The taxi cab showed up and I grabbed my coat and put it on. I went down the stairs from her apartment and opened the door to the back seat, throwing my soccer bag in and climbing in after it.
“Where are you going, kid?” The driver asked.
“The Hope Center.”
“Really? What happened?”
“Long story.”
“You don't have another place you think you could go?”
“No...”
“Alright. Well, let me get you there. You've got money to pay the fair, right?”
“Yeah.”
The drive to the shelter took about ten minutes. It was much closer than I thought it was and I figured a walk from there to my work place would only take about 20 minutes. We pulled into the parking lot and saw cop cars everywhere. Outside of the building they were trying to calm someone down. The scene freaked me out and without even thinking I asked the driver to take me back to where I was.
He turned the cab around and took me back to Emma's place.
Emma was surprised to see me outside on her front door step...
“I'm sorry...I got a bit freaked out. There was police everywhere and some guy acting crazy. Please, just let me crash here for the night and figure shit out.”
“Fine.” She said.
I don't remember us talking very much. I went to sleep and off to work the next day, but when I came back her dad made it clear that I had to leave. He didn't let me inside, and just handed me my soccer bag.
I decided to walk the rest of the way. I remember the night was pretty cold. The walk and everything happening so quickly seemed to make things colder...I felt sick to my stomach, but Emma was right: this was a mess of my own making.
When I reached the shelter it had started to snow again. I waited outside the doors for someone to open them up. A security guard walked up to the doors and said..
“Sorry. Can't let anyone in after 6pm.”
“Seriously? I've got nowhere to go.”
“Policy. I'm sorry.”
“Dude! It's snowing outside!”
Just as I said that a really pretty black woman stepped into view. She was dressed in a sweater and blue jeans, and looked like she was in her mid 20s.
“What's going on?” She asked the security guard.
Before the guy could say anything, I blurted out, “It's snowing and I've got nowhere to go right now!”
“Let him in. Now!”
He opened the door wider and let me in. She told me to follow her to the lobby where I could check in, and she introduced herself as “Pam.”
“What's your story, guy?” She asked me.
I gave her the abridged version about getting kicked out of school (without saying why) and staying with Emma until her dad said I had to go.
“What school did you go to?” She asked.
“OBI, a Baptist boarding school in Onei-”
“Oneida! I went there!” She said excitedly.
“You did?” I couldn't believe it.
“Yeah, got kicked out for smoking pot. Is Dr Moore still the president?”
“He passed away in 1994.” I said.
We made small talk and she asked me if I was hungry. I told her I was and she said that the kitchen was closed, but offered me a couple of bucks to run up to a nearby Sonic fast food place. I told her that I was okay and had a little money myself, but she kept insisting. About that same time, another homeless man showed up to the door, and they let him come in as well.
“I just can't let y'all sleep out in the snow like that. It's not right.”
She told me to run up to the Sonic and buy something for me and the guy to eat. I took the money and ran up the street, bought a couple of hamburgers and tater tots, and ran back to the shelter.
They let me back in and she took the food from me.
After she checked the other guy in, she told him to go back to the cafeteria area and grab a mattress to sleep on for the night. She explained that the cafeteria was for the new incoming people, but they had a dormitory for people trying to save up money to get a place, but first they had to prove they had a job. I told her I worked at Steak Fest, down town, and she said, “Oh, you'll be able to get a bed pretty quick then!”
She explained she was a night time counsellor and worked four days a week, 12 hours each day. We talked a little more about Oneida and then she told me to grab a mattress and head off to the cafeteria.
“I'm going to talk to the morning crew and if I can get you a permanent bed, I will. It'll be hard to turn down someone young and cute, like you.”
I felt a bit embarrassed at the comment, but I thanked her anyway.
Sleeping in a homeless shelter for the first time was a strange experience. The cafeteria was littered with dozens of blue mattresses. There was a TV mounted to a wall, and several men were huddled underneath it. Others played cards and some were already fast asleep. I noticed there was a stand up piano in a corner and it called out to me! I hadn't played anything since I was back at school, so I walked over to the piano and sat down to play. It was slightly out of tune, but I liked the sound it had. As I played, I noticed a small crowd around me, and soon guys were asking me to plays songs – mostly classic rock songs that I didn't know. I kept saying, “Sorry, I don't know that one.” One guy asked if I knew Pink Floyd's “Comfortably Numb,” and whilst I had heard it several times, I'd never tried playing it. I worked out the chords and played it the best I could. The guy who requested the song yelled, “That fuckin' kid is good!”
I pulled the lid over the keys and walked to my mattress with my stuff, and sat back down. I was hit with a sudden sadness and decided to get some sleep.
The next morning we were all told to wake up, put the mattresses away, and get the tables ready for breakfast. A few volunteers were preparing the chow line, and several of them looked like they were around my age, probably college kids. I was suddenly awash with shame and embarrassment...As I went through the line to grab a tray of eggs, bacon, and some oatmeal, it felt like each eyeball was focused squarely on me, and I could hear imaginary whispers of, “Look at that guy – he's a kid! What a shame!” I dropped my head and made my way through the line.
After we ate, a counsellor came into the cafeteria and told us that unless we were enrolled and became residents of the shelter, we had to leave the premises until 6pm. I told the guy after he was finished speaking that I had talked to Pam and could prove I had a job. He told me she mentioned it and if I showed back up at 6 that evening, they could properly enrol me.
“I'll check with your place of work and if they verify that you work there, we'll let you get a bed in the dorm.”
“Is there a place I can store my stuff until I get back from work?” I asked.
He told me there were some pay lockers I could use, and if I made it to the dorms, I'd be assigned a locker of my own. I went to the pay lockers, put in a few quarters, and shoved my soccer bag into the locker, closed the door and pulled out the key with an orange tab handle. Then I left for work.
I finished work at 4pm and had two hours to kill before the shelter opened back up, so I decided to get dinner at the A&W Hotdog place, and then I walked the mile and a half back to the shelter. I noticed some of the guys from the night before, but also some new faces. There were two guys that looked like they were in their mid 20s, a little rough around the edges, but still young. They were sitting on a picnic bench talking. They looked at me and nodded their heads, so I nodded back to them, but didn't bother going over to meet them.
When we were let into the shelter, Pam was at the desk and called me over to her.
“Good news, Randy. We've got you a bed in the dorm. You're in good shape and it'll help you get your footing, and hopefully you can get into your own place. There's some resources here so take advantage of them and definitely get your GED. There is a night class you can attend.”
“Thanks, Pam,” I said. “So, what do I do? I was told I'd get my own locker.”
She told me I could pick my bed and locker...
“You'll have to get your own lock. Also, the shelter reserves the right to cut your lock off if they think you have drugs or alcohol.”
I went and retrieved my bag out of the pay locker and she walked me to the dorm area.
“You still need to check in by 6pm every day. Not everyone is going to let you in after that time, so keep that in mind.”
“What if I want to stay out late?”
“Call the shelter and let the desk know...always, always tell them you are working late. If you say you're out partying, they're not going to let you in.”
“Thanks for letting me know. Not that I think I'll be out partying. I don't even know anyone here.”
“Well, just keep it in mind. By the way, I've been meaning to ask you, do you have a girlfriend back at school?”
“Yes,” I said, “Uh, no...I mean..I don't know. It's a bit confusing right now. I guess I don't...Why?”
“I was just curious. You seem like a guy who has a girlfriend. Well, there's plenty to get a hold of up by UK! You'll be fine.”
“Thanks.” I said.
She showed me to the dorm areas and let me in. It was a large open spaced area, sort of like a warehouse. There was about ten rows of bunk beds, and she told me to pick a bed out that was empty, and that number bed would be the same number for the locker.
“Always keep your stuff put away. Don't leave anything out in the open or it won't last. If anyone back here gives you trouble, let one of us know, okay? Some of these guys are a bit on the rough side and some are criminals. We don't do background checks, but they do have to hold jobs.”
“Okay, thanks.”
She left me alone and I picked a top bunk, and put my stuff in a locker. The two guys I had noticed outside came up to me. One of the guys was wearing a jean jacket with the sleeves cut off. He had a mullet, and a loop earring in his left ear...The other guy had short black hair and his teeth were rotted and crooked. I tried not to react or show that I was slightly grossed out. The black haired guy introduced himself.
“Hey, I'm Bill. This is Danielle. What do they call you?”
“Randy,” I said.
“How'd you end up in this dump?” Bill asked.
“Long story!”
“Ha! We all got long stories,” Danielle said.
“Well, if you need someone to hang out with, we're your guys. Just thought we'd say hello and welcome you to the homeless club.”
They walked away and left me there. I realised I hadn't called my parents in days, so I walked back out to the hall way where there was a payphone. I called home collect, and fortunately my dad accepted.
“To what do we owe this occasion?” My dad said.
“I just wanted to let you know I wasn't staying at Emma's place anymore. I'm at a homeless shelter called The Hope Center.”
“I don't want to know how you got there. Are you okay?” My dad asked.
“Yeah, I'm fine dad. I hope to be here for just a short while. I've got a job working down town at a place called Steak Fest. I'm not making much, but it is a job at least, and they're nice people. Is Jimmy or Kevin around? Is it okay if I say 'hello' to them?”
“They're in the games room watching TV. You can talk to them on another day.”
“Sure. Fine. Just let them know I wanted to talk to them. I'll stop bothering you now. I just wanted to let you know where I was at.”
“Randy, you got yourself into this mess. It's nobody else's fault but yours, and you're not going to get us to feel sorry for you.”
“Everyone keeps reminding me, but that isn't why I called. I was just trying to be a son. You know, tell his parents where he was so you wouldn't worry. Sorry for bothering you.”
I hung up the phone.
For some odd reason, I wanted to hear Tracy's voice. I thought it might comfort me and so I reached into my pocket and dug out a few quarters to cover the initial long distance charge. There was an old trick to get the school to pick up the cost of the long distance calls by reversing the charges...I called the girls dorm at OBI, and found myself talking to Mrs Garret. I knew that the money would run out fast, so I hoped that Tracy would be on quickly...Just as she picked up the phone, the digital operator's voice told me I had to add a certain amount of money to continue the call, but to reverse charges, I could push the # symbol on the dial, and a live operator would come on. The operator asked Tracy if she'd accept the reverse charges, and just like that, OBI was covering our call!
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey, you. What's up?”
“I just wanted to hear your voice...and tell you that I'm no longer at Emma's.”
“Where are you?” She asked.
“ A homeless shelter. I'm officially a hobo!” I joked, trying to make light of the situation.
“Are you serious?”
“Yep. I hope I'm not here long, though. I've already got a job and I guess I'll save enough money to get a place. What else can I do?”
“I hope it works out for you. I'm going to get back to my room. I left my girlfriends hanging.”
“Alrighty. I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
“Just 'love you'?
“Randy...”
“Sorry...Old habits are hard to break”
“Yeah...you'll be okay, right?”
“Sure.”
I heard the phone click and I hung up on my end. In that moment I'd never felt more lost in my life. I was homeless, had no friends around me, and no one seemed to even want to talk to me. It wasn't that I was expecting a pity party, I just wanted someone to care – anyone! But all I kept being told was this was my mess and I had to be the one to figure out how to get out of it. I know this, I just didn't know how I was going to do it.