Falling Down (Ch. 35) - Randy Halprin
Randy Halprin
"We tend to see a person in the moment, not as the journey they travelled to get here." Kat Lehmann
Memoirs
**Warning...contains offensive language, and reference to drug use**
FALLING DOWN : PART TWO (1996)
Chapter 35
(by Randy E. Halprin)
A Memoir
Whilst I was living at the shelter I noticed they placed free newspapers in the cafeteria every Sunday, and around the same time, McDonalds began their Monopoly game promotion again. They had just introduced a new hamburger – the Arch Deluxe – and I developed an unexplained obsession with it. I can't even remember all the trimmings it came with, but I remember it being delicious – I couldn't stop eating it! So, when I found a stack of newspapers in the cafeteria, I scored plenty of free French fries and soft drinks prizes from all of the pieces I pulled out of the papers, but no Arch Deluxe prizes.
I was having breakfast one Sunday morning when I noticed a newspaper just sitting at an empty table, so I walked over and began flipping through it to find the Monopoly pieces. I was engrossed in my search when I heard a deep and gravelly voice from behind...I turned around and saw the weathered face of an older black man.
“Don't touch my paper,” he barked.
“This was just sitting here,” I replied.
“I left it there and was going to come back to it.”
“Yeah, whatever. I just wanted to see the ads...It's not a big deal.”
“It is to me.” He said.
“So, what? You think you're going to intimidate me over a newspaper?” I asked, feeling a conflict rising. It really wasn't that big of a deal and I should've just walked away like I normally would do, but I was in no mood to be challenged anymore.
“Yeah, white boy...I think this is exactly what I'm going to do to your punk ass.”
I was just about to say something else when Nancy walked into the cafeteria and called my name. “Randy, come here!”
My adrenaline was up and I could feel anger rising in me, but as soon as she called me over I calmed down. I was a bit surprised she was there, but also relieved. The last thing I wanted to do was to get into a fight over a stupid chance at winning an Arch Deluxe, no matter how good it was.
“Why are you in here on a Sunday?” I asked her, in a surprised tone.
“Go get some decent clothes on, I'm taking you to church,” Nancy replied.
“I'm Jewish.”
“That's fine. You're going to help me out with a fish fry. You ever done that before?” She asked.
“I know what they are, but no, I've never actually attended one,” I said.
“Go throw some slacks on if you've got them, and a nice shirt.”
I headed back to my locker, opened it up, and it still stung to see that all of my music was gone, but I grabbed some navy blue dockers and a dress shirt, and changed quickly. I spritzed myself with the bit of remaining cologne I had and headed out to the lobby. Becca was just coming into work as I headed out with Nancy.
“Wow, you clean up well!” She said. “Now you just need to do something about that hair and you'd pass as a regular Joe.”
“The hair gives him character,” Nancy replied.
“That it does,” Becca said, smiling at me.
“Tell Ronnie I said 'what's up?'” I said, walking towards the door.
We hopped into Nancy's car and talked as she drove us to a nearby town where the church fish fry was taking place. She told me that one of the Lexington news channels wanted to do a story on the shelter and single out a couple of people they could highlight.
“I told them I had a young guy who played piano really well, and they're interested in letting you tell your story.”
“I, uhhh, I don't know...I get nervous with those sorts of things,” I said.
“You don't have to do it. I just think it might be good to get you out there and who knows, maybe some opportunities will open up for you.”
“When are they going to do the report?” I asked.
“Probably towards the end of June. Just think about it...I'd really like people to see and hear you play piano.”
“I'll think about it,” I said.
The church was a small one with a gravel parking lot. We pulled in, and as the sun rose higher in the sky it became quite warm. There was a man outside on a BBQ grill, and putting meats into a nearby metal pan, whilst another man was setting up tables on the gravel lot.
“Who'd you bring with ya?” The man on the grill asked Nancy.
“This is Randy. He's gonna give us a hand.”
“Sounds good to me. I'm Pastor John.” He said, holding out his hand.
I looked at it like it was a foreign object. He held it there for a second and then I shook it. He squeezed my hand and said, “You acted like I was going to bite.”
“I'm sorry. I just have a general mistrust of Christian people right now.”
“Oh, that so? Wanna tell me why?”
“Bad school experience.” I said.
“Where'd you go to school?” He asked.
“Oneida Baptist Institute.”
“Bunch of whack jobs there! I can understand that. Listen, they might say they're standing on God's word, Randy, but they're not. I've had to minister to several kids expelled from there and I'm taking it you are one of them.”
“Yeah,” I said, letting my guard down.
“Well, you'll hear no judgement from me. If Nancy brought you here then that means you're good people. Come on and help me with this grill.” He said, handing me some tongs.
As we grilled together, Nancy disappeared and began to bring other food items out. Soon, other cars began to show up and the church area was full of people. Some delivered food dishes and cakes, others went into the church itself. Nancy called me away from Pastor John and told me to follow her inside.
“So, I really had ulterior motives,” she said.
“You wanted me to be saved?” I asked, feeling defensive again.
“No! Not at all! Randy, I'm a Christian in my heart...I don't need church to show you God's love. I needed a piano player and I want you to play some songs while we have a little service. Is that okay with you?”
“Sure!” Just give me some sheet music.”
She handed me a hymnal book and said, “I marked the songs we're going to do. John will say a little prayer and then we'll get to eatin'! He's a straight up preacher. Straight meat and potatoes, none of that flashy stuff or fire and brimstone.”
Some people came in and filled the pews, and John took the stand. I was a bit rusty on the hymnal songs, and made some mistakes, but it was nice to hear everyone singing along. When the songs were finished, Pastor John asked everyone to bow their heads and pray, and then he said, “Go out and get your bellies full! I don't want a scrap left over.”
I helped dish out food on plates, and I remember there being some small kids that I wrestled around with. We played tag and 'red rover', and it was a good time. I felt normal again for a bit, but the ache of missing my brothers returned. As we were driving back to Lexington, and the Hope Center, I told Nancy, “I really want to go back home. I should be doing things with my little brothers...Taking them to the mall, to an amusement park. Not trapped in Lexington and losing myself.
She dropped me off in the parking lot and I went into the shelter and tried calling home, but no one answered...I went up to the dorm area and laid down for the evening, staring at the ceiling until I fell asleep.
On Monday, I went to work and Bill was already waiting at the temporary labor place. I told him I was seriously considering just hopping on a greyhound bus, and heading back to Texas. I needed to save up some money first, but I was formulating a plan. It was a long shot, but I thought it just might work.
“Dude, you're going to leave at the start of summer? Are you serious? Do you know what Tolly Ho is like during the summer? You could get laid every night if you wanted to! Just stay for a bit and save your money up...Wait 'til fall comes, man.”
“We'll see,” I said.
The rest of June was pretty much work, help at the shelter, and partying at night. I was running myself ragged. One night, coming back in the early hours of dawn, I was crossing the train tracks in the dark...I heard someone come out of nowhere, but I could barely make them out, except for the smell of alcohol on his breath. He was wielding a knife! I was a little tipsy myself, so I said, “Take it easy, man. I really don't have anything on me.”
“Give me what you do have,” the voice said.
I reached in my wallet and handed him the ten dollars I had left. He grabbed the money, hit the side of the road, and took off running. I was so scared I began to cry and felt like I was going to throw up. When I got back to the shelter, Rusty let me in and could see I was spooked by something.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. I'm fine. I gotta get away from this place.” I said, and headed to bed.
On another night, I was doing acid and Bill disappeared on me. It had put me in a bad mood so I decided to go back to the shelter and ride it out. I sat on a picnic bench just staring off into the distance when Becca came outside and asked if I was okay.
“Sure,” I said.
“You're high.”
“I sure am, but I don't want to be...I want this stuff to be over with so I can just go to bed...I'm tired...I'm worn out...I want my life back.”
“You thought about going home?” She asked.
“Every single day. I just don't know how to get there. I can't seem to keep money, and when I want to get away from Bill or the pull of the UK campus, I can't seem to escape its gravity.”
“I'm going back to Arlington for the 4th of July. You know, I could drive you there if you want to go. I've been meaning to ask you for a bit now, as Ronnie suggested it. But honestly, I didn't think you'd want to leave Kentucky.”
“I've been wanting to leave this place since 1992”
“Okay...I've got some rules,” she said.
“I'll do anything.” I replied.
“No drugs. Nothing, Randy. You need to be clean for the rest of the week and I want to go through your things to make sure. You also have to buy your own meals. That's it. I'm your friend, and I really want to help you. Maybe when you get back to Arlington you can hit the reset button.”
“I'm gonna do that. Just tell me when we're leaving and I'm there.”
A day or two later I met up with Bill and told him I was going back to Texas. He tried convincing me to stay until fall, but I 'pulled a Danielle' on him and gave him the speech about the winds of destiny, and ignoring the signs telling me to leave. He laughed, “Well, if that's how you feel. Do you think your parents are really just going to let you waltz back in? You don't even have a back up plan if this goes south.”
“Bill, if my parents truly love me, and they see the sincerity in my eyes, I just don't see how they can turn me away. I will do anything I have to. If my dad wants rent, he's got that. If he wants me to work with him, I'll do it...I just need structure. I can't wander around aimlessly like this. I'm not built for this shit, Bill. I need love. I thrive on love. I need encouragement...I need people to believe in me. I can't sleep with random chicks and do drugs for the rest of my life...I feel empty inside. I need my brothers, and their love. I'm 18 years old and should be driving them where they want to go...embarrassing them in front of girlfriends, and being the 'cool older brother'. I've always wanted to be the brother that had the car and they would say, 'my brother is going to pick us up and drive us there.' THAT'S the brother I want to be...NOT this dude running around living in shelters and hanging out on a college campus. I want to be normal.”
“I can dig it. I really can. I'll miss the shit out of you, brother...Just don't disappear before saying goodbye.” Bill said.
“Bill, there are memories I'll carry with me for the rest of my life, I'm just not built for this kind of life. We had some real fun, man!” I said.
“Yeah...that night with the gel tabs! That's one for the ages. Jesus! You're built a lot tougher than you think you are.”
He hugged me and I told him I'd let him know when I was leaving. On Thursday, June 27th, 1996, Becca told me to meet her at a nearby gas station early on Friday morning. Her plan was to be in Texas later that evening. I said I'd be there. I wanted to thank Nancy for her kindness, and whilst I never told her anything about Becca's plan to take me back home – because I didn't want her to get in trouble – I did at least want to say goodbye and thank her properly, but I couldn't find her.
I left that afternoon to meet up with Bill at Kristy's place, and they were waiting on me. Bill suggested we go to Tolly Ho 'one last time' and I told him I'd go but I wouldn't drink or do anything. So, we headed out, Kristy bought me plate of chilli cheese fries, and as I ate them for the last time, I knew that this place would always be in my memories. One day when I had kids of my own, I thought, I'd tell them about the time I nearly lost myself, but picked myself back...And a few funny stories as well! We finished eating and I hugged them both, wished them well, and told them to have the best life they possibly could. Then I walked back to the shelter alone, taking the long route.
Friday was a new beginning...On Friday, everything would be back to normal...On Friday, I'd pick myself up off the floor.