Falling Down (Ch. 27) - Randy Halprin
Randy Halprin
"We tend to see a person in the moment, not as the journey they travelled to get here." Kat Lehmann
Memoirs
**Warning...contains offensive language, sexual situations, and reference to drug use**
FALLING DOWN : PART TWO (1996)
Chapter 27
(by Randy E. Halprin)
A Memoir
Ronnie and I talked a lot over the next couple of days and I told him my story, and what had happened from the summer of 1995 onwards, including the credit card theft. There was no judgement from him whatsoever, and I was happy that we seemed to click. He told me he was going to be leaving the shelter soon to work security at night somewhere else, so for the most part, our schedules would be different. I asked him if it would be okay to have people over, and he said he didn't care.
I met up with Bill at Tolly Ho, and caught him up on everything. “You are truly one lucky bastard.” He said. “So, I can come over at times?”
“Sure. I mean, I'm paying rent as well, so it is just as much my place.”
“Cool. I'm going to store some liquor there since I can't bring it into the shelter.”
“Alright.” I said.
Time seemed to melt away. I was saving up a little money here and there, and in the back of my mind I kept telling myself I need to take care of the Nadar issue as well as Emma, but I kept putting it off. In the middle of February, I had my court appointment for the credit card fraud, and the night before, Bill talked me into going to a new club in down town Lexington called “The Heresy.”
It was a strange night. We walked to the club – a very small place – and the bouncer asked for IDs...When he noticed I was underage, he stamped my hand with a clear ultraviolet ink, which was meant to let bartenders know I wasn't 21, under the the ultraviolet lights. We walked in to the sound of pulsing techno music. I could tell Bill felt out of place 'cause he really didn't know what do to. We stood in the middle of a small crowd who were bobbing and swaying to the music, and we just looked at each other. There was a lounge area with bean bags, chairs and couches, and there were several couples making out on the couches. Bill sat down in a bean bag and I stood there awkwardly, when a female out of nowhere grabbed my hand and pulled me back into the crowd.
“You go to UK?” She yelled.
“No!” I shouted, over the music.
“Your hand is glowing!”
“Huh?”
“Your hand is glowing! You're not 21?”
“Oh...That! No...I'm 18. Just moved to Lexington on my own.” I said, making up a story on the spot. “How old are you?” I asked.
“22! I'm enjoying my last night of fun because I'm probably going to be on probation!” She said, laughing.
“For what?” I asked.
“Pot...found it in my car.”
“That sucks.” I yelled.
“Yeah. Hey, do you fuck around?”
“Huh?”
“Drugs! I've got some x...Want a tab?”
Before I could say anything else, she shoved something into my mouth and held my lips closed. “Trust me...Just swallow it.” She said.
I swallowed it and she started laughing like a crazy person. I'd never done ecstasy before, and as we danced I could feel a warm fuzzy sensation move through my body. I began to feel euphoric, and had a heightened sense of awareness – I felt bubbly and more outgoing than I ever had before. The girl grabbed my hand and pulled me back into the lounge area...I hadn't forgotten about Bill, but I didn't see him anywhere and thought, “Fuck it.” She pushed me onto a couch where another couple was still making out, climbed onto me and said, “Kiss me.” I leaned in and got lost in the moment. I hadn't even realised that this was the first girl I had kissed since Tracy. Time melted away and I remember Bill pulling me out of the club.
The next day I woke up in a daze and panicked, thinking I was late for my court appointment. I jumped into the shower and quickly threw on some decent clothes before catching a bus down town. When I arrived at the court building I approached a clerk and asked which court I needed to make it to – she gave me a room number and said a lawyer would co me to meet me. The court room was packed with people standing in line; an attorney was talking to people as they passed by, and then they'd sit down. When he got to me, I gave him my name and then he said, “Okay...It'll be unrestricted probation. When the court Bailiff calls your name, stand up. The Judge will ask you a couple of questions, and then give you the probation.”
“That's it?” I asked, incredulously.
“That's it. Sign a few papers and you're done.”
I went and sat down in the gallery, and scanned the crowd as people's names were called one by one. They'd stand, the judge would cite their charge and then give them their sentence. A woman's name was called and she stood up. I immediately recognized her as the girl I had made out with the night before!
“Possession of marijuana...How do you plead?” The Judge asked.
“Guilty.”
“50 hours community service.” He said.
And off she went. She didn't even notice me!”
When my name was called, I stood up. “Fraudulent use of a credit card, under 200 dollars. How do you plead?”
“Guilty, sir.”
“You plan on paying the 200 dollars back? Don't answer that – you don't have a choice. I'm giving you a 200 dollar fine and unrestricted probation.”
I walked away and signed some papers. I was relieved that I had gotten off with what amounted to a slap on the hand, but panicked a bit over owing more money. It was adding up. As I walked out of the court room, I looked around to see if I could find the girl, but she was long gone...So, I left and headed back to my apartment.
I needed something more stable than temporary labor work, so I began to hunt for a permanent job. SUBWAY wasn't hiring, and I wasn't having much luck anywhere else. Bill and I had worked it out that we'd work during the week for Labor World, if a job was available, and then party at the weekends. I wanted to get the camcorder taken care of, but began to get paranoid about travelling back to Louisville. I decided to call Mrs Nader up, come clean about everything, and ask for forgiveness.
“Hello?” She said, answering the phone.
“Mrs Nader. Hey, it's Randy.”
“Oh, hey.” She replied, not sounding too thrilled.
“I don't know how to begin this, but I'm in the process of trying to make things right with people and straighten things out a bit, and I wanted to come clean about things.”
“Okay,” she said.
“I stole your camcorder and pawned it. I was desperate and didn't think. I had – have – every intention of getting it back; I've still got the pawn ticket and I have the money.”
“Are you going to come to Louisville?”
“Well, I can't right now, but I was wondering if I can mail it to you?”
“That's fine.”
“I'm really sorry...Please forgive me.”
“Look, Randy...I wasn't always perfect. I understand. I pretty much knew and I was just hoping that you'd be truthful about it. You'll have to tell Jim and Tracy though...they had their suspicions, but you need to tell them. That's my only condition.”
“Okay. I'll do that. Thank you...Really, thank you.”
I took the money and the pawn ticket and put it into an envelope and mailed it to her immediately. I only had to worry about Emma and the court fine now.
I waited a couple of days before I called Jim and Tracy at school, and by then they had already heard from Mrs Nader. I was upset that she told them before I could, but I understood.
I first called Jim. “Hey, man.” I said.
"Why are you calling me? Jim said with hostility in his voice. I was immediately taken aback.
“I wanted to come clean about the camcorder.”
“Yeah...I already know. You know, I may steal from time to time, but I don't steal from friends. Don't ever talk to me again.” He responded, and hung up the phone.
The call shook me up a little bit, and it wasn't the reaction I expected, but I convinced myself he was upset in the moment, and would eventually forgive me. I dialled the girls dorm room and asked for Tracy.
“What do you want? She asked. Again, hostility I wasn't prepared for.
“I want to apolo-”
“Shut up. You're a piece of garbage, Randy. I tried to help you, talked them into letting you stay on short notice, and you did that to me? Do you know how it made me look? My friends are thieves and can't be trusted? You are not pulling me down with you!”
“You and others steal all the freakin' time, so don't play holier than thou!” I said, feeling defensive.
“It doesn't matter. I'm done with you. Never call me again...Never talk to me again...If I see you I'll spit in your fuckin' face!”
“Give my ring back. Give that and my CDs to Wesley.”
“The ring is gone; I gave it to Amy's mom. You're not getting your CDs back! Goodbye and good riddance!”
“Yeah? Well fuck you!” I said yelling to the phone before I heard her hang up.
I began to shake, deciding to call Wesley. When I started talking to him I was sobbing, and he said, “Calm down, what's wrong?”
“She's gone! I've lost her for good! Get my CDs back...You hear me? Get them back!” Wesley tried to calm me down and then put my friend, Jason, on the phone. I told him what was going on and all he said was, “You have to understand, man...This is of your own making. I'll always be your friend, but you did this, dude.”
“You're right,” I replied, hanging up the phone. Bill had some of his liquor in the apartment and I want to the cabinet and grabbed a bottle of 'Hot Damn', a cinnamon tasting schnapps. I guzzled the bottle in its entirety and sat on the couch. The next day Bill dragged me out of the apartment and told me to lose myself in some time on an MUD. “Man, create a messed up character and take it out on the other characters.” It lead to the creation of a mischievous elf named “Tumbleweed.” We spent hours in the University of Kentucky's library on-line, and I was successful in getting half of the players mad at me. It didn't make me feel any better.
“That didn't help you get your stresses out?”
“Not really.” I said flatly. “I'm not trying to piss off half the world, but it seems I'm doing a good job of it.”
“Okay then, there's only one thing left to do.”
“What's that?” I asked.
“Get your dick sucked.”
“What?” I said, not believing what I had just heard.
“It's time to stop being a pansy.”
We left the library area, and headed back down town. Soon, I realised we were walking in the direction of the government housing. “I'm not going back to the shelter, man.”
“Just shut up and follow me.” Bill replied.
Before the government housing there was a series of streets with low income houses, kind of run down. We walked up on one that seemed to have been abandoned. Garbage bags covered the windows. “This place looks abandoned,” I said.
“It's not. There's some meth whores in here.”
“What?...No, man...I don't want anything to do with that.”
“Look, there's a chick inside that'll do anything for money, or dope. You don't even have to give her anything! Just imply it.”
It seemed like a horrible thing to do. Part of my mind was like, “Get the hell out of here.” But then another part of me was on auto pilot. Not fully functioning, and before I could think straight, I found myself some time later, receiving oral sex. When it was over with I was ashamed and disgusted with myself. When we left, Bill was acting like he was proud of me, but it felt like another step down a path where the light was fading.
It was strange seeing Bill without Danielle; in a lot of ways, I think Danielle acted as a moral compass for Bill, and kept him more restrained. Without that “guidance” I was beginning to feel like we were in a car with no driver, and we were inching closer to a cliff.