The rain keeps coming...Things looked promising yesterday as I watched the sunset, but the clouds rushed across the sky - grey wisps strewn across the horizon. Blue was peeking out from behind and I thought "finally!" I went to sleep only to wake up to the sound of rain tapping the window.
At least we got showers today. Still no recreation due to an officer shortage, but the shower was wonderful. A bird bath out of your sink will get the job done but nothing beats the feeling of hot water showering your body like a massage.
Yesterday afternoon I did get to spend two glorious hours in the free world. I can't explain the feeling of hearing two hours of one of your favorite bands, commercial free! On KPFT 90.1 out of Houston they played the "Substance" album by New Order, a collection of singles that expanded their career to 1987. I cranked the music up and was completely absorbed in it. Some people see music in colors - which I do to a certain extent, but I feel music as a cosmic fabric...I intertwine myself in it, become a part of it. The walls of this place, the smells, the sounds of gates crushing, all disappear when I'm jamming out to the radio. Such wonderful music...A gift.
I think I need to surrender to fate. My neurotic brain is always trying to find a solution to perceived problems, often, in desperation, making the problem worse than it was at the beginning. That doesn't mean I don't work (what's the saying? G-d helps those who help themselves?) at a solution. My favorite show ever is "Lost". One of the themes of the T.V. show was "what is a person's destiny?" Sure I believe the future isn't totally written but I'm also starting to see that we aren't the "captain of our ships" either. We have little control over our lives, as much as many of us try to micro-manage every little detail of it. Look at all the people caught up in the floods of Houston...How many people, families, businessmen and women thought they had their lives/future mapped out only to be thrown into chaos by a single storm?
Surrender isn't capitulation. It isn't acknowledging defeat. It doesn't mean we go down with the ship. It just means it's okay to let someone else steer it for a bit...If only my neurotic mind could accept that! Haha.
August 29th, 2017
An early Tuesday morning and I'm sitting here hoping 12 building (death row) will be swept away by all of this rain from the hurricane that recently hit Houston. I'm a great swimmer, or used to be...I haven't been swimming in 21 years, but it's one of these things you don't forget, right? Otherwise, I'm screwed!
A song by Tool comes to mind...Can't remember the name of it but the chorus goes "learn to swim!" See you in Arizona Bay indeed. With all seriousness, I hope the people in flood areas are okay. I was sitting here thinking I wish I could donate these 30 bottles of water I have. I've had them in case our water is ever shut off for any unseen reason, but right now I'm just using them to exercise with, whereas a family could be drinking them. Everything on the unit is pretty much shut down. We haven't had rec or showers in two days. They're supposed to have three officers per pod, and since Sunday we've only had two. And the rain just won't stop.
So...I haven't written anything new in a long time. It's not that I haven't had anything to say. I'm always thinking about things. Sometimes I wish I could get my brain to shut up. But the problem is, every time I would sit down to write something, I'd go blank. It's hard to explain what's been going on...I guess an extreme level of emotional stress. The loss of friends (alive and dead), a feeling of loneliness, a trapped feeling. Having an attorney that cares little about putting any effort into your appeals process and then trying to have him replaced. Honestly, there are times when I've felt like this whole battle is futile. Why and what am I fighting for? Am I just stubborn or is it a "fight or flight" response and I'm hard wired to just fight? Is being alive enough or am I just existing? I feel like a lot of times I'm just existing.
September 5th I'll have been locked up officially 21 years. 21 YEARS! It's mind boggling. I remember every detail of that day. I'll write about it when it comes.
Okay, I'm laughing my ass off! I'm listening to the news and reporting on the flooding, and the reporters were talking about President Trump coming to Texas. He'll be in Austin or Corpus Christi and they said he wouldn't be coming to Houston and one reporter said "Yes, please...don't come to Houston" but if you heard the tone and snarkiness. It was like "stay away dumbass, we don't want you here", haha.
Doesn't Trump remind you of Biff in the alternate time line in "Back to the future II"? Like, Marty McFly screwed up by trying to create a Google type program instead, giving old Trump the plans to create WikiLeaks and he gives it to the Russians to steal the elections for younger Trump, creating the dip shit we have now? I need a flux capacitor to set this shit right!
Anyway, I'm going to try to get back into the swing of things and write more. Stay tuned.