September 2019 - Randy Halprin
Randy Halprin
"We tend to see a person in the moment, not as the journey they travelled to get here." Kat Lehmann
Journals
The following journals were written whilst Randy was on Death Watch, and some parts may be distressing to read.
It's an early Sunday morning as I write this...Rosh Hashana begins tonight, so L'Shana Tova to everyone! (Happy Jewish New Year!) May G-d grant us a sweet new year.
I hope that this week brings good news...I was reading over my CCA filing as well as the filing on the non-opposition from the District Attorney, and it's strong! Of course, it's not outside the realm of possibility that they'd find some technicality on which to deny my claim, but it would look bad if they did. I have to believe they will do the right thing...It's going to be a very anxious week.
Yesterday I felt weird. It's hard to explain what I'm going through right now..I'm in this physical and emotional limbo as I wait on the courts. If this drags out until the very end, waiting on a stay from the Supreme Court, I don't know how I can mentally or even spiritually prepare for that, if that makes sense. It's making me restless...I have things I want to do and get on with, but it requires me knowing I have time (like finishing my second memoir). I have goals...Dreams...
Another thing that's strange (and I suppose it's how people deal with the grief) is that some have already put me in the grave...Okay, so I have 10 days left at the time of writing this, and depending on how slow the mail is, I could actually be gone by the time anyone reads this...but I'm alive right now. In a philosophical sense, however, I'm kind of Schrödinger's cat: both alive and dead...But right now, I'm very much alive. In the meantime I go through each day with hope all the way until 6pm on October 10th.
Yesterday I cooked a batch of Tacos for the guys up here, and today I cooked another batch – I'm at my best when I'm doing things for other people because it eases my mind.
Last night on KPFT I was listening to the program 'Sound Awake'. They did a two hour Cure special and it was heavenly! I felt really blessed to be able to listen to it, and my girlfriend listened to it at the same time...We shared it as a 'date'. I was singing away to every one of the songs and a flood of memories came washing over me. When they played From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea I remembered how I used to sing it over and over with the guitarist in my band when I was at boarding school. The song was too complex for a three piece band, but it didn't stop me wanting to sing it and hum it all the time.
So...I have to go into next week believing a miracle will happen! There's a great line of dialogue in the first volume of Deadly Class, by Rick Remender. In the story the main character, Marcus, is struggling in life and doesn't believe in G-d; but one day he's contemplating jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge and says,
“When things get bad enough, I pray for help, and tonight things are bad and I need help. Need some reason to keep fighting.”
May God hear the prayers of my friends, and those who unflinchingly support me, as well as my own prayers. I pray...I pray for mercy.
L'Shana Tova!
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
Today started with a trip to see the warden. When I entered the office they had the handcuffs removed and I sat down on a bench. We went over some 'end of life' paper work and other things, and I hated having to fill it out...I guess everyone has to do it at some point or another. The major and warden were respectful, kind and patient; they asked if I needed anything and I said,
“I'm pretty low maintenance...I'll figure it all out.”
They did tell me though, that after Robert Sparks' fight with the guards before his execution, they made a policy change: on a person's last day they will be watched at all times.
I made my last trip to commissary today as well, and bought candy bars for everyone on my section, and ice cream for the guys upstairs near me...It's the least I could do. After today, unless I receive a stay, they close my account down.
When I got back to my cell I was told I had a legal visit and my attorneys informed me I was denied by the 5CA. However, my appeal in the CCA is still pending, and there's also the Supreme Court. When I read the ruling from the 5CA they agreed that the accusations against the Judge were valid, and taken as truth, and even went as far as to say they were 'deplorable'...but, they kind of kicked the can down the road. It was a long shot, and I wasn't so much upset as frustrated. I mean, why can't anyone just do the right thing?
What frustrates me a lot in this whole mess is that this isn't about me getting any 'favour', and it most certainly isn't about being deserving or undeserving – everyone is entitled to a fair trial. It's simply about doing the right thing.
So, this is disappointing, but the fight is far from over and I will ride this roller coaster until it jumps the tracks. I can't break in spirit...Yes, I'm scared, and I feel like I'm hanging upside down over a swamp full of alligators...but maybe, just maybe...I'll be able to swing myself up to safety.
Please, everyone, continue to pray. This isn't over...
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
September 25th, 2019
Today has been a weird day...Of course, there's an execution still pending at the time I write this, but the entire vibe of the day is stranger than other executions days.
I recently learned about being denied at the 5th Circuit and I'm amazed that they could rule so quickly! My attorneys had just filed an opposition to the State's filing, and pointed out their MANY errors, on Friday 20th, so to think they could receive a response from the State that Monday, and ruled on the very same day?!?
Anyway, I still have the CCA and my original appeal still pending in the Supreme Court, and a team of excellent lawyers who won't give up! Hope is still alive for sure.
So, when I woke up today they were supposed to do showers, but they didn't. They said we'll get them tonight. We did get a hot breakfast though, at about 6.30am, and we're having fried chicken at lunch time. I'm always uncomfortable having such a good meal on an execution day – it seems wrong and it's weird. How do you enjoy it?
Well, we were thinking about the guy who is to be executed today, Robert Sparks. He was supposed to be going for a visit but he refused it, and at the time of typing this (11.24am) he is still in his cell. The ranking officers did give him two lunch trays which was kind of them, but he's still waiting to leave for Huntsville.
The captain came by my cell a short while ago and we talked. Surprisingly, he apologized for snapping at me the other day, and told me,
“If it gets to that last week and you need anything, within reason, holler at me. I'll do what I can.” I thanked him.
Meanwhile, a huge clean up crew poured into the pod and began cleaning frantically, and shortly after that a tour of 'Big Wigs', wardens, politicians etc, came onto our section and began looking at the cells. They never came upstairs, but they were downstairs looking around...It was interesting to say the least.
The captain then came back and asked if I wanted to do a media visit and I turned it down...I promised my attorneys, and my girlfriend and friends agree, that I won't do any press right now. In one way it feels difficult to turn it down because a part of me wants to say my piece, but I also know that things can be twisted around and taken out of context, which can cause damage. It's best I save my voice for this journal where I know my words will not be misconstrued because they are MY words.
It's just a strange day here today and my mind is all over the place. I can't explain the weird vibe, but I have to remain hopeful and positive...I have to believe. One of my most favourite scenes in the movie, The Empire Strikes Back, is when Luke Skywalker (after being prompted by Obi-Wan Kenobi's force ghost on Hoth) has to go to the Daggobah System to find a Master Jedi named Yoda. When he begins to train with Yoda, his self doubt often gets the best of him to Yoda's frustration. Sure, Like can move some rocks around, but Yoda encourages Luke to remove his crashed X-Wing fighter from a swamp...Luke makes an attempt but fails and says,
“It's...too big.”
Yoda, in one of his best lines tells Luke firmly, but compassionately,
“Too big? Judge me by my size do you? And where you should not for the Force is my ally and a powerful ally it is.”
He then walks to the bank of the swamp and uses the force to lift the jet from the water. Luke, stunned, says,
“I...I don't believe it.”
“That is why you fail,” Yoda replies.
There's a lot to be gained from that scene...Regardless of what you believe, or what religion you are, at some point we have to have the faith that things will work out in our most difficult times. It's hard to believe sometimes, but also, faith is all we have at times.
We'll see how this day progresses...
It's 12.24pm now and I knew there was a weird energy to this day...A dark energy. Some of it manifested a little after noon when they came to get Robert Sparks to take him to Huntsville. First, a lieutenant showed up...Apparently Robert had blocked off his window so it was pitch black. The lieutenant began to ask Robert to respond, and there was no response. I had actually thought that maybe he was trying to kill himself because he got on his radio and began calling the wardens, medical, and other officers. He started yelling,
“Roll the door! Roll the door!”
Well, wardens and everyone under the sun flooded the pod and then the use of force team showed up. The door was opened and there was struggling and fighting going on, and then someone was yelling,
“Stop resisting! Stop resisting!”
A few minutes passed and then they dragged Robert out of the cell and threw him on a rolling gurney and wheeled him away.
It was very upsetting to see all of this and my adrenaline spiked...I was shaking...
2pm...They just brought someone else to death watch – a guy named Abel Ochoa, from Dallas County. He and I were on the same floor back in Dallas County as I was going to trial. Dallas is churning these execution dates out!
There is still no word from the Supreme Court on Robert's appeal...
It's a bit later now and I've been anxiously listening for news on Robert Sparks' issue with a Bailiff having worn a tie with a syringe on it during his trial. I had this same Bailiff in my trial and he wore the same tie; my attorneys addressed this years ago, so we'll see what happens for Robert...
6.05pm...Well, the Supreme Court turned him down...I guess that's that. His life is over. It's a life...A life is a life. I can only continue to hope and pray that my fate won't be the same. Things like this shake up my confidence. But I have to be strong. I have to believe...
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
RIP Robert Sparks
September 24th, 2019
I had every intention to write an entry yesterday but by the end of the day I was so physically and emotionally exhausted that I said to myself, “Write something tomorrow” and here I am!
The day started off with me getting into a frustrating conversation with the captain over death row. Since last week the warden's secretary had been hounding me for my 'death' paper work. Besides not having any desire to fill it out, I was initially told by the captain the night I moved to death watch, that I didn't have to turn it in until 14 days out from my execution. So,I kept telling everyone that was sent to my door that I'd turn it in in 14 days away.
Yesterday morning a sergeant came to my door and said,
“They need your paper work."
I breathed a long sigh and said,
“Look, I was told by the Captain that I didn't have to turn it into anyone until 14 days out.”
She said,
“Oh, okay. I'll go tell the secretary that.” And she left. Twenty minutes later the captain comes into death watch, walks up to my door and says,
“What's the problem?”
“What do you mean? YOU told me I didn't have to turn it in until 14 days away from my execution.”
“Oh, you want to play it like that? You want to say black is black, white is white, green is green? We can play that game.”
I was dumbfounded. I'm literally thinking in my mind, “What the hell is going on here?” So, instead of saying something smart assed, I said,
“You told me 14 days. How else was I supposed to interpret that?”
“Well, everyone knows that's not what I meant. You need to have it filled out and then we'll go over it on Thursday.”
“Okay, but you can see how I misunderstood you?”
“You want to be difficult? I can be difficult. Have your paper work ready by tomorrow.”
“I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm going by what you said.”
He walked off and I was just like...that was strange! I could fill the paper work out in five minutes and I did, but I mean, when someone tells you it isn't due until 14 days away how else are you supposed to interpret it?
After that I was told I had a legal visit. I guess this was about 10am and so I left for that. I spent over 4 hours talking with one of my attorneys and I'm just amazed at how hard they are fighting and always touched by how much they all believe in me. It was a good visit. It took forever for me to get back to my cell, but I came back to the wonderful news that one of the guys scheduled for execution next week received a stay.
After I was back, I pretty much went straight to recreation and was stuck out there until 8pm. By the time I got back in I was exhausted...I waited on mail which wasn't fully passed out until after 11pm, and then went to sleep.
When I woke up this morning were were on lock down which meant no rec or showers. I went ahead and took a bird bath out of my sink, and then was about to start my day when I was told one of the Clemency board members wanted to see me. I wasn't expecting a meeting today, but I prayed really quickly and went out there.
Everyone I've talked to over here, or who has had a stay, has talked about how dreadful their experience with Clemency has been. But both times I've found it okay. The first time I talked to a woman and today a very kind older man. It wasn't horrible, although the first interview was quite intense. This time around, the man said,
“I'm not going to ask any questions, whatever you feel like you need to say, you can say it.”
There was two other younger guys taking notes as I talked. I owned responsibility for my actions, talked about remorse, and over the years self-reflecting on how my choices have affected people. I asked for forgiveness and I asked for mercy. I told him I believe I'm a better person today, and whilst I know the odds are against me, if I was to be shown mercy I would make my loved ones who believe in me, very proud. I don't want to let anyone down.
I told him that whilst I didn't want to die, I was at peace with whatever outcome might come and I accept my fate. He thanked me and I thanked him, and that was that. He was very kind, though. I never felt intimidated or judged. There was no smug attitude. He let me say what I needed to say.
After that it took me some time to get back to my cell. I told everyone around me about the meeting, and then my sack lunch arrived so I ate that and have been keeping busy ever since.
I am so anxious about everything, but the more I read the legal work the more I understand the magnitude of support from various clergy, Rabbis, lawyers etc. I just feel like something good has to happen. It's a hard thing to get around...
Oh, one thing I forgot about yesterday...As I was waiting to go back to my cell after seeing my laywer, I talked to a couple of guys from B-Pod - the pod I was on the night I received my execution date, and was moved to Death Watch. One of them said,
“Man, there's two cells open right now! Everyone is hoping you land in one of them! We're waiting and wondering what is taking so long! Everyone over here misses you...”
I was really touched by that and I said,
"Just make sure one of them stays open 'cause I'm on my way back over!”
I really hope and pray that I am.
It's going to be a wild two weeks going forward, and I'm trying to be as emotionally strong as I can be. My girlfriend once sent me this card that says, “Tough Cookie,” and it has a picture of a cookie with a tough guy face and strong arms flexing...I often say, “I'm a tough cookie.” I think I'll be okay.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace!
It's a Sunday afternoon and I'm sitting here listening to Casey Kasem's classic top 40 - it's a rebroadcast from September of 1986. I've always liked listening to these because you hear songs you've not heard in ages – especially from the 40 spot to about the top 20. After you get to the 20 spot it's pretty much stuff you hear on the radio all the time, but those first 20...there are some real gems and memories attached to those. I often think, “Wow... this song should have had a longer life!” For example, “Only Human” by the Human League is on in the 36 position on the charts...I like “Don't You Want Me Baby?” a lot, but this song is far better! You don't hear this song very often.
Anyway...
I think I'll be all over the place in this journal because my thoughts are a bit jumpy. I'm hoping for good news this week...More than just hoping – I'm praying! That being said, I am getting a bit scared for so many reasons...On Thursday I have to turn in my paper work for arrangements should I be MURDERED. I also have to make a Will, and finalise a number of other things, and my trust fund account will be closed after I make a 'last spend' at commissary.
Of course, I would hope that I get a stay before all of this, but one of my fears is that the courts will drag this out to the end – not just for me, but for my girlfriend, friends, and everyone involved. It seems cruel to put all parties involved, including the officer's family, through all of this. Of course, I'm praying that the courts will do the right thing, especially the CCA in Texas; I know so many people have spoken out on my behalf, especially in the legal world, and this has meant so much to me.
I would also like to thank Dave Atwood, a true legend in the abolitionist movement against the Death Penalty; I was surprised and humbled when on the Prison Show last Friday (20th) he highlighted what was going on with my case and spoke out about it. It meant a lot!
I'm grateful for everyone's prayers and support and I even forgive the haters who have so viciously attacked me, my girlfriend, and my friends who all work so hard in the fight for me...I love you all...Please keep praying like you've never prayed before...
So, on Wednesday night I had a real treat! I had my once-every-90-days phone call privilege when I got to speak to my Catherine. I had talked to the new Major earlier in the day to see if he could speed up my request which I had put in almost two weeks before, and he said,
“I'll look into it.”
I'll be honest... I thought, 'Oh, one of those lines. So, basically, wait like everyone else?' Then to my surprise, later that evening some guards showed up and said,
“Want your phone call?”
It was like medicine to talk to her!! We talked about our little buddy, the son of her best friend, and she said he could now pick me out in a picture. I was smiling so big! I told her,
“Give that little dude a big hug from me and thank him for my birthday card!” (He'd sent me some really cute pictures of himself inside a Star Wars birthday card!)
We talked for a few minutes (typically death row inmates only receive a 5 minute call every 90 days) and then I had to go. It sucked, but I've been in the clouds ever since the call...I went to sleep with a huge smile.
Thursday came and there was a little excitement and chaos because a guy on Death Watch I firmly believe is wrongfully convicted, Rodney Reed, had a media visit with none other than Dr Phil himself. We were kind of teasing him saying,
“Mr Hollywood made the big lights!”
The ranking officers were making this huge spectacle out of everything and it turned into a dog and pony shpw - they wanted him freshly shaved and wearing a bright white uniform. There was one point where the sergeant got into an argument with Rodney over clothing; Rodney's clothes were clean and really white, but she was trying to force him into a pressed jumper that wasn't nearly as white. She kept saying,
“The warden wants you to wear this! This is whiter!”
We were like,
“That isn't white!”
Eventually, it took two other officers to convince the woman that Rodney's clothing was indeed better than what she was offering!
He came back from the interview and rumors began to swirl that Dr Phil would be coming back here to death watch to check things out. Cleaning crews came out of nowhere and began scrubbing and wiping things down. I said,
“Damn shame it takes Dr Phil to get this place cleaned up...”
But in the end, nothing came of it...He never showed up. It would've been cool to say 'hello', I suppose.
I also had a legal visit with one of the investigators in my legal team, on Thursday...It turned into a five hour chat fest. I really enjoyed it and getting to know him a bit better. We're about the same age and seemed to really click. We spent a lot of time talking about social injustice, reform, and implicit bias and white privilege. Not conversations I get to have every day, but really engaging.
On Friday, everything was shut down because no one came to work due to mass flooding in surrounding areas due to a tropical storm. These floods seem to be becoming a regular thing, yet people deny climate change.
Saturday was cool...I was scheduled for recreation 2nd round. My neighbour, Justen, asked if I wouldn't mind swapping with him because he wanted to go out earlier, and it worked for me because I didn't want to miss Batman 1989, the movie. Well, a guy downstairs was scheduled for outside rec, 3rd round, and asked if I wanted to swap with him because he didn't want to go outside. I said,
“Yeah, no problem, if the officers okay it.”
We talked to the guards and one said,
“You'll be by yourself.”
I said,
“Even better!”
So, I listened to Batman 1989 and if I can geek out a bit...This has always been my favourite of all of the Batman movies! Directed by Tim Burton and starring Michael Keaton, it blew me away when me and my best friend, Chad, went to see it the day it came out. We were 12 years old.
From the visuals, the acting of Jack Nicholson as the Joker, to the cinematic score by Danny Elfman, I became obsessed with the movie. I hadn't seen or listened to it in many, many years, so I did wonder if it would hold up to a 42 year old adult. Well...it held up! I found myself flooded with memories of being a kid, the excitement...I could 'see' every scene in my mind's eye and I'll be damned if Jack Nicholson's performance still isn't the best! Yeah, Heath Ledger was good, but Jack Nicholson WAS the Joker of the comic books.
And the score...holy cow! Sweeping and grand! Danny Elfman is a musical genius...That last scene where the music builds and swells as the camera pans up the side of a gothic building, then we see Batman's silhouette against a black sky illuminated by the bat signal. Agh!!! Goosebumps! (ha ha).
After the movie, I went outside and it was beautiful...A nice breeze, not quite fall, but almost there. I shot the basketball for a bit and then walked around meditating and praying.
There are two plants growing through the concrete alongside different walls, and one of them is on the verge of death. Each time I go outside I water both of them...The last time I was outside I gave some water to the dying one and the guy I was outside with said,
“Why bother? That one is dying.”
I shrugged and said,
“It's still alive right now...”
So, I go and check on it and I was stunned to see it looking healthy and having grown a little...It really took my breath away and I thought,
“Okay G-d...is this a sign?”
I gave it a little more water and then watered the one that was healthy already. I thought about the story Rabbi Gordon told me about the star fish, when the man on the beach saved as many as he could...We should never give up on something or someone even if we 'feel' they're lost.
Now, as it's the last day of summer (check out The Cure song, 'The Last Day of Summer'...heartbreaking but beautiful) I wonder what fall will bring. I wonder what this new week will bring...I hope and I pray for good things.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace!
September 17th, 2019
Today was a good day.
As always, I began my day with a letter to my girlfriend, and then
around 1.30pm I was told I had a minister visit. I had been expecting
to see my Rabbis this week and wasn't sure what time they'd be here,
but as soon as they told me to get ready I was eager to get away from
this place.
When I got out there I
saw Rabbi Goldstein first. I had met him once before
in a prior visit and he came across as very warm. He had told me that
in life we must constantly take stock of the things we do and aim to
do better and more. I took the words to heart.
In today's visit we
talked 'business' at the beginning, about the possibility of the
execution and plans etc. He told me,
“You know, a lot of people are
praying, care about you and love you.”
I told him,
“I'm hoping
for the best. I feel okay about things right now. I'm hoping, but also trying to mentally prepare for the end, should it come.”
He told me
about the importance of asking G-d for mercy and the importance of
Rosh Hoshana going into Yom Kippur. The King is in the field (G-d)
and during this time he's paying close attention to our
prayers, especially our prayers for mercy. He's also taking stock of
what we do in our life leading up to Yom Kippur.
I felt good. Like all
of this is happening for a reason. I told him,
“I've said this to a
bunch of people...and because I've been overwhelmed by so much
support and outpouring of concern...I can't let them down if G-d
gives me a second chance. I won't let them down.”
As he was switching
places with Rabbi Gordon who was visiting another Jewish inmate, he
picked up his shofar. Rabbi Gordon said a prayer in Hebrew and then
he blew it. It was wonderful hearing the shofar and a flood of
memories from my own childhood came rushing back. I closed my eyes as
the ram horn blew. Then, I told Rabbi Goldstein,
“L'shana Tova,”
and he repeated it back to me.
When I visited with
Rabbi Gordon we talked all manner of things. The story he
told that stuck with me the most was one of a man walking down the
beach; the tide had carried hundreds of star fish into the shore and
he began picking them up and casting them back into the ocean.
Another man walked up and asked,
“What are you doing?”
“I'm saving these
star fish. They'll die if I don't throw them back into the ocean.”
“Are you crazy?” The other man asked. “There's hundreds of them! You'll never save
them all and it doesn't matter anyway because they'll just be washed
back to shore!
The man reached down,
grabbed another star fish, and threw it back into the water.
“It
mattered to that one.”
We talked some more and
I told him I wanted him to see me on the last day, should it come. He
promised to be there. I also said I wanted to don Tefillin if
possible. He said,
“I'll be there and hey, if you get a stay, both
Rabbi Goldstein and I will visit on the 10th anyway, and
we'll celebrate your new life!”
It was a good time and
I felt refreshed and renewed. I do have a lot of hope and whilst I'm
getting to the three week mark, I have to believe this is going to
have a good outcome.
I returned to the
building at around 4pm and went straight to recreation. Now I'm back
in and winding down...
Here's to hoping for
good things to happen soon.
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith!
Peace.
September 15th, 2019
It's Sunday, and it's turned into one of those days that surprises you...Not in a bad way, but in the way you feel fortunate. I had told myself last night that if they tried to put me outside first round, I was going to skip out on it because I did have some things I wanted to get done today. So, when the guard woke me up at 5.30am, and asked me if I was going outside I said...
"Which round?"
"Third," she said.
"Yeah, I'm going." I said, before rolling over and falling back to sleep.
I woke up at 8am, so I got up and started a letter to my girlfriend when suddenly the guards were at my door saying that some people had skipped out on rec, and I'd been bumped up! I was disappointed because I was actually looking forward to third round because it would be prime time sunshine.
Anyway, I went outside with a guy down the run and we talked as we walked around. The weather was quite nice, even at that time. I had thrown out the possibility of trying to stay outside longer if the guards would let us and the dude said...
"Not me, I'm trying to catch the noon football game."
When the guards came to get us I was sitting in a small patch of sunshine and said...
"Hey, do y'all have another round of rec set up for outside?"
"No," said the female guard.
"Well, do you think I can stay out a little bit longer? I never get any sunshine and if there's no one else going outside, I'd really appreciate it."
She looked at the dude and then he looked at her and shrugged his shoulders as if to say, "I don't care" and then she said...
"We'll come back to get you at noon."
"Thanks, man!" I said.
They took the other guy back inside and I walked around enjoying the sun directly over me at this point. There was a little weed poking through some cement against the wall and I walked over to it to check its health and then poured a little water on it. I thought, "Here we are...they say we're all monsters and killers and I'm giving water to a weed..."
For the rest of my time outside I thought about my girlfriend and how much I miss her and love her, and prayed her health would improve. I thought about what could happen to me in the next few weeks, and then a kind of peace came over me and I really believed that things were going to be okay. Something good is going to happen in these next couple of weeks. I felt extremely blessed and grateful for that time out there. At noon no one showed up and then the next thing I knew it was past 1pm...When the guards came to get me I thanked them for the extra time outside, but I am now very red from the sun. Who cares? I needed it!
When I got back to my cell I wrote a letter to one of my favourite radio programs on KPFT because on the 28th, 'Sound Awake' is going to do a 2 hour Cure special!! The DJ is going to take requests and I really want to hear a song off the Blood Flowers Album called "The Last Day of Summer". It's not a very long song, but it is one of my favourites. I haven't heard it in 19 years, so I hope he'll play it.
Here's to hoping that this week brings some good news!
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith!
Peace.
September 14th, 2019
It's an early Saturday morning and I'm trying to keep busy. I had planned to write something yesterday, but I ended up going to recreation earlier than I expected and then I had a surprise legal visit in the afternoon. By the time I got back I just wanted to write to my girl for a bit and wait on the Prison Show to hear her wonderful voice.
Well, to my surprise, a few minutes after shift change the guards passed out the mail! We usually don't get it until some time after 9pm at the earliest. I had received a beautiful birthday message from my girl (which contained several wonderful little messages from other friends) which made me really happy. I waited on the show at 9pm and was surprised they didn't do a death row segment this week as they typically do each and every week.
Right before they went to the telephone calls they did a 'break song' and played The Cure's, "A letter to Elise" which surprised the heck out of me because they usually play a country song or something. I was singing every single word, and even doing all of the instrument parts and my neighbour said...
"How do you know every single part to the song? You were even singing the guitar solo!"
I told him it was one of my favourite Cure songs and at school, we used to play it in my band all of the time. I know every single note to that song, on every single instrument!
The calls started and at about 10.16pm I heard my girlfriend...my lovely Catherine...It touched me so much to get the birthday greetings and she relayed some from our friends, and said there had been a ton of messages for me online as well, which I'm very grateful for.
It's been a very, very stressful time for both of us going through this process and I'm continually blown away by her strength and her warrior mentality in all of this...I am also grateful to my friends who support Catherine in the fight for my life, and who are there with her and for her, every single day. It means a lot to both of us...Thank you!
In life, you meet a lot of talkers...People who say, "Oh, I'm against this or that...I do this or that...I wish this was different." People will often talk a good game, and then you have people who really walk the walk and throw themselves into a cause wholeheartedly - even as they juggle a billion other things in their life. They don't make excuses...They just do it. My Taffy, and my friends supporting her, most definitely fall into the category of the “do-ers”. I couldn't be more proud of her, nor more grateful and humbled for having her and all of my friends by my side. I love you all so much!
Taffy and I have both said that please G-d if I survive this mess, we are going to go back to just being 'us', and I really can't wait for that. We are both exhausted, and we're both introverted people who are private and independent. Being 'out there' in the fight can be both emotionally and physically draining for her and for my friends - it's counter-intuitive, even for me, to be out there with everything. I'm very grateful for the support and attention to my case, but it's also a bit weird for me to deal with...When I was young and wanted to be a 'rock star' it wasn't fame that I wanted; I just wanted the music aspect of it...To share music with the world. I would've been one of those performers shrouded in mystery...I just wanted to 'do music'.
Anyway, she made my birthday special with that shout out, and hearing her tell me all the 'Happy Birthday' messages from my friends, just made the whole day so special. I was hoping to get the birthday cards she sent, and she sent along a birthday card from her friend's son, my little buddy. I had received a picture in color of him dressed up as Yoda, and I have it on my desk so I can look at it and smile. I was told 'he' sent me some more pictures and a card, so I hope I will get them all soon!
It sucks being over here for my birthday...But I do have a ton of hope that I'll make it to 43. It means a lot to have everyone's well wishes and support. Thank you!
Things continue to look positive. I just hate the waiting game. That is where the majority of my stress is coming from. I'm looking forward to seeing my Rabbi on Tuesday though, so I have that to look forward to!
Here's to hoping this next week brings something really good...
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace!
September 12th, 2019
Today wasn't a terrible day. Things seemed to be moving at a decent pace and the guards weren't lazy. We've had some cloud cover today as well, so it didn't feel as hot. The nights have been pleasant and I can tell we're starting to finally ease into fall. It's a slow start, but a start at least.
I was thinking about a conversation I had with a guy the other day about the attention my appeals are getting. He said he had received a letter from one of his friends saying that I was “undeserving” of the attention suddenly being given, and that it was unfair when so many other people back here deserve attention to their own cases.
I don't know what qualifies as undeserving or deserving, but I agree that it's unfair that everyone doesn't have an attorney who does the work they're supposed to do, and ensure that their client has a fair chance in their trial, and in their appeals.
When I think about my surviving co-defendant not getting enough attention to the fact that he was not a shooter and shouldn't even be on death row because he didn't kill anyone, there's no doubt in my mind that the justice system is not fair...Justice just doesn't seem to be equal.
I was talking about this with one of my attorneys recently when I said...
“I sometimes wish I wasn't one of the few with good representation – everyone should receive good representation.”
My attorney agreed...It's demoralizing that we have the system we have, but on thinking about my own situation, and going back to some misguided person's opinion that I am somehow “undeserving,” I came to the conclusion: Why, instead of worrying about why someone is deserving or undeserving, or why something is fair or isn't fair, why don't these people who complain, actively do something about it? If you're an American citizen you have the power to vote! You have freedom of speech...You are guaranteed the right to go out there and have civil discussions and debates to educate people! You can vote in or vote out the politicians who write the rules, and who make the laws governing our justice system. You could divert the energy you spend talking about me being “undeserving” and instead use that energy to do something good, or work towards fighting for equal, fair, and diligent representation for all death row inmates, and their Constitutional right to a fair trial.
It does no good to sit around moping and whining about why this person is getting good representation and someone else isn't...If you feel there are people not getting the representation they should have, then do something about it!
In my case, believe me, I know the chances I had in life and I blew them...I can't deny that. I had a better life than most – materially at least. I was a privileged white Jewish dude, and unless someone saw my Star of David or I told people I was Jewish, you couldn't pick me out from Adam. That being said, the judge in my trial was aware of the fact that I was Jewish, and after the escape there were numerous articles about my Bar-Mitzvah, me growing up Jewish etc.
So, the fact that he actively showed a hatred for that, and for me...I've said it before, it was a strange thing to hear. I've only had a handful of experiences where I was singled out specifically because I was Jewish. It pales in comparison to the millions of black people who experience racism and hatred every single day of their lives, in some instances. They didn't have a fair trial either! They should be in the same position as I am right now.
I guess my point in all of this is that it's made me much more aware of how unfair everything is, and if anyone thinks I believe I am any more deserving than anyone else – I don't! I have hoped that people would see that this awareness of what can happen to someone in a capital trial, might actually make more people wake up and listen, or start doing something to change the system for their loved ones. I cannot say it enough: everyone should have fair and equal representation, and the chance at a fair appeals process.
I've been humbled by this experience, and I don't want to let anyone down. I want to take this chance – if given to me – to do right, to be a voice for those who can't speak out. I want to bring awareness to reform issues and change the system from within. I do have a lot of 'lofty' goals, but I'll try my damned best to make them a reality!
I am most grateful to everyone who has stood beside me and will continue to stand by me – deservedly or not.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
September 11th, 2019
I am still having difficulties writing journals whilst I'm on death watch. It's really hard when every week you watch as someone leaves to never come back because they've been killed. Mark Soliz was the latest person to be killed by the state...I had come to really like Mark as I got to know him better while he was over here. He was a very good spirited person and nothing like the media has portrayed him. He had asked me to read some of his legal work and filings because he didn't really understand what was happening in his case, and what his attorneys were arguing, so I helped him as best I could.
On Tuesday morning Mark left for his last visit around 8.45am and we were all happy to know that his family were here for him - they also attended the vigil of his execution. I was extremely hopeful that he would get a stay, and I was very emotional when he didn't return...
Throughout the turmoil of Mark's execution, I had the other end of the roller coaster to deal with as well. After seeing my attorney and wading through a lot of stuff, there was a lot of good things happening. I know the facts are on my side...I am innocent and have maintained my innocence for over 18 years, as well as never changing a word of my truth. I know how everything looks, but being grounded in all of this is very important too.
My girlfriend regularly sends me piles of support messages that come to her by email, via the website, Twitter etc, and I remain humbled by all of it. There have been trolls and haters for sure, but we don't entertain them, and neither do my friends. When people behave that way it's because they are behind a computer screen...G-d bless them. Aside from all of that, I want to say a very heartfelt 'thank you' to the people who have pushed my story around, shared it everywhere, and showed true concern and support.
One thing I've said before in my journals, and I've recently said to my attorney...
"I've been blown away by everyone's dedication and hard work in my case, and having so many people step out on a limb for me and showing support. I tell myself every day, I'm not going to let them down. I can't let them down!”
And I mean every word of that. I've always been someone who thrives and flourishes when I'm supported and encouraged. Call it positive reinforcement or whatever...I like to make people proud of me and I always do my best when I have been encouraged. I get encouragement by the bucketful from my girlfriend and my friends, and nothing matters more to me right now than seeing how proud my friends and girlfriend are of me. I won't let them down...I won't let society down..I won't let myself down!
So, I wait on pins checking the hourly news updates to see if any ruling pops up. My biggest fear is that this will get down to the wire and I really hope the courts don't do this – more for my girlfriend's and my friends' sakes who are sitting with frayed nerves and praying for a miracle. Even if it was bad news, I'd rather know so I can be prepared...
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
RIP Mark Soliz...I'll miss you, man.
I woke up this morning a little after 5.30am when the officer asked if I wanted to go outside. I'd forgotten that we were now getting 6 days of recreation, as Wednesday is an 'off' day for 12 building. But because we kept raising complaints about getting screwed over, they gave us this day now.
I asked the officer who I would be going outside with and he told me I'd probably be by myself because no one else wanted to go outside. That was fine by me. I jumped out of bed, drank a quick cup of coffee, and cleaned up. Then I started a letter off to my girlfriend, as I do every morning, whilst I waited.
There's an execution today so they had to take the man (we call him “Billy Jack”) to the shower, then put him in the day room. He had to stay there until they get his property, and he either leaves the unit or goes to visit. After they did that, the officers came and took me outside. I was feeling low because of the execution and on the way outside I told Billy Jack I would pray for him and to keep his head up. He nodded at me and said...
“Yep.”
It was pitch black outside...I could hear birds chirping, the electric hum of the fence that surrounds death row, and cars passing by on the street in the distance. I said my prayers outside, stretched, and then grabbed the basketball and practised my shot for about 30 minutes. Then I began exercising and thinking about everything...I have so much on my mind and it was good to just enjoy the peace and quiet outside in the fresh air, on my own, and it was shaping up to be a warm and quite lovely morning.
When I was outside two birds flew into the rec yard and sat on the bars. The top of the bars has a net strewn over it to keep the birds out so they can't poop all over the place. However, one part of the net is ripped, so every now and then birds will come in. I was watching the birds watching me when one of them flew through the rip in the net. The other bird followed but couldn't find the rip to get back out. It started to chirp loudly and fly around in circles and it was clearly in a panic. The chirps grew louder, like a frightened kid, then thankfully the little fella found his way out. I kept trying to will him to find his way...I was saying “It's right there, dude!” And I pointed at the rip. It made me realise that nothing on this planet is meant to be caged. I could relate to his distress...
When it was time to come back in, Billy Jack was still in the day room. He was expecting a visit at 9am, and I went to the shower. A couple of guys were talking to him before he left. Goofily, and because I know he loves classic country music and he always sings George Strait, I started singing the song, 'Amarillo by Morning'. He closed his eyes and rocked his head with a big giant smile and when I finished he said, “Thanks for that, man!”
At 9 on the dot the guards came to take him to his visit and we all yelled our goodbyes...This is somethiing I will never get used to.
It's much later now and we've heard the news that Billy Jack was executed. It's deathly silent here right now and my neighbour just said, “Shit...this is really real.”
Yeah...it is.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
RIP Billy Jack...
I'm going to try this writing thing today, and see if I can get something out. Here, lately, I've found myself staring at the typewriter and not being able to produce anything of substance. Not that a million different things aren't going on in my head, I'm just having difficulty transferring those thoughts to this space. There's this lingering monster in the background saying to me...
“What if these are your last words?”
And I have to turn my head, look over my shoulder and tell him...
“Shut the hell up, man.”
Then he sniggers and I snap the typewriter lid down, put it away and say...
“Tomorrow I'll write something.”
When I first came to death watch I told myself I would give it until September and then start taking things a bit more seriously, prepare myself if 'the end' should come. Time moves at such a different speed over here...It feels like I've been here a year, but it also feels like I've been here a day. When I changed my calendar over yesterday I thought, “Shit...it's September.” And whilst I am still optimistic and hopeful (a lot of good things are in the works and most people around me are of the mind that I'll be spared) the reality remains that I'm still on Death Watch.
There's an execution this week, and the execution a couple of weeks ago made it all the more real. My neighbor to the right of me – a guy who isn't even fighting his case, and has essentially dropped his appeals, said...
“Geeze...I just realised this shit is real.”
Yeah, it's real.
The night before Larry's execution was a tough one...When he began to give all of his stuff away there was the realisation that if he believed it was the end – enough to give away everything he owned – then it was probably going to happen...He was conceding. The next morning when they put him in the day room before 8am so he could have his last visits before leaving for Huntsville, he said...
“I'm scared.”
Regardless of whether you believe he was innocent or not, hearing those words coming from a grown man is enough to shake you to the core.
In all of my years of being on death row I've watched a person's last days from a distance. Whether I was on another section or another pod. I've shook the hands of men leaving for their very last visit, as they passed by the bars of a day room...If you're human, it's extremely emotional!
When you're not on death watch, you can push it out of your mind...Go back to the life you were living...Go back to a conversation with a friend on your section...Go back to playing your Scrabble game, or whatever you're doing. When you get back into your cell you can put on a music station or program and drown it out of your mind. Then, it's a new day. You thank G-d for the life you have and carry on as best you can.
Being on death watch doesn't allow you to go back to 'life as normal' because the following week there's another execution and another and another. Right now I'm trying to process that there's one in a couple of days. Then, another just before my birthday...Meanwhile, there's a monster lurking behind me saying...
“October is approaching awfully fast...Whatchya gonna do?”
The guy whose execution it is next week, I've really taken to him in these last couple of months. I do think he has a very good chance of a stay (G-d willing) but seeing him have his 'last spend' just cut me up...A last spend is something they allow a person when they're only 14 days away from their execution – clearing out their commissary account, buying a stack of food or whatever they want to buy just in case, and it's like...Man...THIS SHIT IS REAL! He asked me if it got to his last week, would I sing and 'party' with him...
“Do this for me if it gets to the end,” he said.
I said, “Alright, dude...We'll sing and have a good time.”
“Alrighty! That means a lot to me,” he said.
I'm getting emotional just writing that...
I'm processing everything differently right now as well. One of my closest friends back here received a stay at the beginning of this year. When we talked about his experience, he told me...
“It'll change you...this experience.”
It's like I'm playing a game of chicken with death...
On a lighter note, over the weekend the guy who turned me onto the graphic novel series, 'Deadly Class', gave me all seven of the books he had! Just gave them to me! I was really moved, and really grateful. I love this series so much I had already told him I'd like to buy the whole collection if I got a stay.
September...It's still hot as blazes in Livingston. About a week ago there was a weather report that it was going to get to 'fall-like temperatures' by Labor Day weekend...Right now as I type this it's 97 degrees!
I am hoping that some good things are coming in the next few weeks. One of my biggest concerns is having this appeals thing come down to the last minute...I'm strong, mentally, but I don't know if I'm that strong. Nor do I want my girlfriend or any of my friends to suffer that wait either. It's a horrible thing to put people through...My girlfriend is dealing with an illness that's really difficult, and my friends all have their own personal worries too...It hurts me to know they are suffering...It's scary to think about.
There are a lot of good things in the works and I'm eager to find out how a couple of things in particular are shaking out. Please...continue to pray for all of us back here.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.