Despair - Randy Halprin

Randy Halprin
"You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending" C.S. Lewis
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(by Randy E. Halprin)

You say I'm just a monkey
Dragging knuckles on the floor
And I'm feeling kind of funky
Will you show me to the door?
I'd like to stand upright
But I really don't have the strength
And I'm tired of the fight
But I don't know how to think
Will you show me to the door?

(Cause every which way
And every which direction
North South East or West
I think I need a course correction)

You know I'm just a monkey
Doing tricks for attention
Yeah I'm feeling like a junky
But I'm not convinced by your convictions
I can judge myself on my own
I'm just trying to get home – can't you see?
Please...send me on my way and let me be
Get out of my way
Please...let me climb out of this tree

(Cause every which way
And every which direction
East or West North or South
I'm looking for a course correction)

So tired of feeling lost
So tired of being wrong
Will I ever feel human -
Will I ever feel I belong
Will I ever evolve?

I just want to be...
I need to get out of this tree

(by Randy E. Halprin)

I'm always rearranging
But never really changing
My life
I'm always rearranging
But only ever changing
My sight

I look into the mirror  
It asks me what I see
Nothing but an anguished face
Full of hypocrisy
The saddest eyes
Tell the saddest lies
of this I'm sure;
I'm tired of the brokenness
I'm tired of giving empty words

I know I need to change something
Yeah, I know
or I'll lose all of my friends
Yeah, I'm talking to myself
The saddest eyes
Give the saddest smile
I'm looking in the mirror
but I can no longer pretend

I'm always rearranging
But never really changing
anything at all
I'm always rearranging
But never really changing
and the only fault
is mine
I can see it in my eyes.

(by Randy E. Halprin)

Time warped
Have me twisted up
Down on both knees
Caught in a tight space
Can't breathe
I remember chasing kites
A tiger crouching in the grass,
And climbing trees
Sitting on the mail box
Flying in the summer breeze
Riding bikes
Accidents and falls
A hospital trip
But no broken bones
I can still feel it all
And love lost
Best friend
Best laughs
Best trips
I let it all end
Time warped
All memories
Looking back
Brings me to my  knees
It was a dead end street
After all

(by Randy E. Halprin)

I told you not to let go of me.
I told you that I was made of porcelain.
It hurts to be a million shattered pieces on the floor.

(by Randy E. Halprin)

Black Bile.
I can't smile.
Not even for a short while.
I feel miles away from reality -
or whatever that is.
I've been disillusioned,
by the illusion of peace.

(by Randy E. Halprin)

I've never felt these feelings.
These feelings deep inside.
But they came pouring out in oceans.
Oceans I have cried.
And I feel like I am drowning,
getting pulled in by the tide.
A sea of my emotions,
that I could no longer hide.
And so these tears wash over me.
Pouring out my fears.
I'd never felt these feelings.
Now exposed by three failed years.
(Of love)

(Guess I was wrong again)
(by Randy E. Halprin)

Last year - November -
my life was never the same again.
This year - November -
has only brought me pain again.
When finally everything had gone my way.
I was happy -
in love again.
I thought nothing could ever go wrong again.
Guess I was wrong again.
It's the same old song.
It always is…

(by Randy E. Halprin)

I sit here with a hole in my chest.
Slightly lost,
slightly depressed.
I can't seem to get you off my mind.
As I look at the red glowing numbers on my clock,
in the dark,
I only wish I had more time.
Because what once was,
is no longer mine.
I only wish I had more time...

(by Randy E. Halprin)

Laying in grass and leaves;
the flowers bloom lovely.
The rain feeds the world,
while there's nothing left to hold (for me).
Clouds bleeding,
the sky remains -
my only solace.
My only way to feel the pain.
I cry myself to sleep again.

(by Randy E. Halprin)

It's my time to go,
I can feel the needle taking hold
As they steal me cold in the night.
There's no time to say goodbyes
And while I'm prepared to die
This feeling leaves my blood cold.
I guess it's that time to release my soul.
But it still don't make it right
To kill just to see me die
I've said I'm sorry
I've apologized a thousand times,
but the only way to forgive is
To see me die – to take my life.
So before I meet my destiny,
before I'm tossed to the twilight,
can you please play for me
Mazzy Star one last time?

(by Randy E. Halprin)

The Leviathan swallows me inside.
Now I know what it feels like,
to be hurt by someone else's lies.
Maybe if I knew -
how deep this pain would be,
I'd never have told a single lie in my past...
Because this hurt is much too deep.
I didn't think lies had such sharp teeth.
And now...
I'm in the corridor.
The belly of the beast.
This leviathan.
This lie.
These lies are killing me.

(by Randy E. Halprin)

It's your fault if I…
Yeah, it's been on my mind.
To reach for that crutch again,
bleed until I die again.
It's your fault if I…
Yeah, it's on my mind.
To end it all,
and fly.
Because I gave you my breath.
Pledged all I had.
You messed up my head.
And left me for dead.
So, yeah, it's your fault.
No matter what you think.
If I decide to leave,
Or take this last drink.
It's your fault if I…

(by Randy E. Halprin)

You spill it out.
You sing and shout.
You let it pour out of your filthy mouth.
I've got some dial soap, if you need it.

(by Randy E. Halprin)

Was it lust or love?
Did it come from deep below,
or from high above?
Which way did it go?
Were our heads on straight?
Or crooked like a wayward arrow -
missing our hearts, but piercing our hands?
Bleeding our souls into a draining pan.
I didn't want to keep the wound clean.
Pestering me more like an itch I couldn't scratch.
Trust me,
I don't want it back.
I need you like I need a heart attack.
But you know me...
I'm a pain freak.
So go get the defibrillator.
Just in case.

(Collect On Delivery
(by Randy E. Halprin)

Speak through me.
Whisper to me.
Like an explosion in the night,
for all to see.
I'd give up everything,
To only be
(With You).
I'd sell my soul,
for one more day
(With you).
God, why can't you see,
all that you mean to me?
Exposing my soul,
for all the world to see.
I'd sell my soul,
for a chance to be yours.
I'd sell my soul,
to only be with you one last time.
You can collect on delivery.

(by Randy E. Halprin)

Long after the fact
Promises broken
Words unkept
Clock bells banging
A noose is hanging
We all lied to ourselves
Thinking it would be better,
this time around.
I never thought it could happen -
that the clouds could pour out so much pain.
All because she walked away.

(by Randy E. Halprin)

you've shaken me.
Opened me up,
like a never healing wound.
shaking with grief.
I fall down on bruised knees,
tired of your duplicity -
your mockery of me.
If I'm to be…
If I'm to ever be at peace,
then you'll have to leave.
Turn away at the beginning.
Stop wasting your tears,
on something that was never meant to be.
Stop wasting your tears on me.
Just leave.
Just walk away.
I've got nothing more to say.

(by Randy E. Halprin)

It's over.
It's really over this time.
No being nice,
Tired of being kind.
Patience is out the window.
It's time to say goodbye.
No vacant promises.
Words empty and void.
You tore me in two.
It's my heart that you've destroyed.

(by Randy E. Halprin)

I know it's impossible.
It's unthinkable.
It's a parable of who we are.
Sitting in the ashes of a broken world.
In the hopes of a brave new world.
Where we can finally sleep.
I know it's unfathomable.
Really not tangible.
A parallel of how we are.
Sitting in a ruined world.
A poisoned well of lies.

(by Randy E. Halprin)

I will rise again,
from fire and your games.
You may have brought me down,
but here I am again.
My heart is new,
but you thought you could -
burn me in your flames.
You thought you could -
ruin me again.

(I will spread my wings,
I can fly away.
As far away from you -
as far as night is day.)

I will love again.
Of this I am sure.
No longer will I burn again.
No, no more broken words.
I'll rise amidst the ashes.
And from the pain you bring.
I am a phoenix.
And you are nothing.
You are nothing.
That's right...
You are nothing to me.
Repeat chorus:
(I will spread my wings....)

(by Randy E. Halprin)

I smell gasoline again.
Smothering me again.
Will you be the first to light the match?
I know, I know -
it was just a little scratch.
But it cut my soul,
it made me bleed,
and it made me scream.
So now you want to pour alcohol and gasoline on me?
Have I become your effigy?

(by Randy E. Halprin)

We were so hard to build,
but much easier to tear down.
Love crumbled into ruins,
and deafened by the sound.
Divided our love into parts,
parts and pieces of our hearts.
What love can’t be poisoned?
What happiness can’t be ruined?
Tear -
tear me down again.
It seems it never ends.
Tear -
tear me down again,
so that I can’t pretend…
Like Babel.
Like Pompeii.
One big doomed play.
Tear -
tear me down again.
Will it ever end?
Tear -
Tear me down again.
I don’t want to pretend.
Like Babel.
Like Pompeii.
What more is there to say?

(by Randy E. Halprin)

You hold my situation against me.
Even though I tried to warn you,
what would happen all along.
Yeah, I told you what would happen eventually.
So you go out and forget me.
You forget me on New Year's Eve.
Did you think I wouldn't see what was happening?
I could hear the cord snap.
Feel our love shatter.
I had so much faith.
I was willing to climb the ladder.
my faith was shattered.

(by Randy E. Halprin)

Calling out your name,
in the same old stupid ways.
When all you do is play your games,
am I getting in the way?
Would you tell me that I’m wrong,
if I knew that you were right?
Always getting in your way,
without me ever putting up a fight?
(Stay please stay!
I am wrong,
you are right.
Stay please stay!
Please, just one more night…)
Breaking glass to cut my hands;
it’s a pain you can’t understand.
Broken mirrors, scream your name!
Yeah, I’ll play your stupid games.
Yeah, I’ll play your stupid games…

(by Randy E. Halprin)

I need it more than you could ever know.
I love her more than I could ever show.
Yet, every morning I wake up more alone.
Another tear for silence,
another heart without a home.
I need it more than wounds that cannot heal.
I'm lost in thoughts of blackness,
from words that she will steal.
For every evening when I pray and kneel.
Another ache for substance,
another moment that I lose my will…

(by Randy E. Halprin)

I'm only empty because of you
I'm feeling incomplete since we've been through -
pour it down, pour it down, pour it down,
all over me. and suffocate these feelings
Drown me, drown me, drown me.
Please make it easier for me to sleep...

(by Randy E. Halprin)

Get out of my mind!  
Get out of my dreams!
You don't belong -
you lost that right to me.
Get out of my heart!
Get out of my head!
You know it was your fault -
so don't try to pretend.
(We're standing on the fault line..
cracked wide open...
you have the  blame  
you know it's not mine.
We're standing on the fault line...
ripped  the world  in two....
Carry your shame...
I gave you every thing I had...
Don't try to call  my name)

(by Randy E. Halprin)

Standing on the edge
Forced to face myself again  
I drop to my knees and beg  
To some unseen force again
And into the void I call  
I call for you
And into the void I cry  
I cry for you
Where do I look?
What will I find?
I just want to start all over
Want this to all end
Hit the reset button -
start all over again
Show me your face
Tell me you're real
Not just some figment of my imagination -
are you even real?
I feel like I'm playing a game of hide and seek
And into a void I call
And into the chasm I fall  
Forced to face myself again
Forced to face the end  
All alone
In the cold,
like a wolf lost in the wilderness
I howl into the void  
For you
Only for you

(by Randy E. Halprin)

I'm tired.
I'm tired of broken promises.
I'm tired of being pushed aside.
Tired of having my heart trampled upon.
I'm tired of being torn up.
Beaten and bruised.
I'm tired of you giving up,
Only to come back running.
I'm so tired…
So, I'll rest my head tonight,
and pray to God that I will never wake up.
Because, to be honest,
I really need some sleep.

(by Randy E. Halprin)
(This title is in reference to the time that Texas performs its executions)

This place is haunted
Distorts my perceptions -
When life is grey
And love is pain
Ghosts freeze the day -
keep us from staying sane.
This place is haunted
Fills you up with dread.
You can count away the days -
and soon you too will be dead.  
No time left,
the clock is running out.
The voices will remind you,
when it's time to check out.
This place is haunted.  
It's the only place they know.
6:00PM reads the clock -
Guess it's time to go.  

(by Randy E. Halprin)

Staring at a white wall.
I dream awake.
Silently she stirs.
Images of my mistakes -
they flash before my eyes.
I sit and I shake.
I can't stop this shivering,
or this growing hate.

(by Randy E. Halprin)

Sadness weeps through stained wood.
Sadness sings,
disparity and pain through tightened strings.
Sadness speaks and sadness clings.
It's all she can bring to me.
Ambient hopelessness again.
Play for me.
Comfort me through your pain.
Play for me,
tell me all will be okay.

(by Randy E. Halprin)

It's hard to understand, why there's so much animosity between you and I.
It's so loud, we can't even hear the screaming trees.
Cut down to their knees.
Because you and me,
we can never see -
eye to eye.
Why, oh why?
Why can't we see eye to eye?

(by Randy E. Halprin)

dying inside
But a smile on the out
Pretending to be what I'm not.
My happiness a frown away
I can't quite figure out
What this all means.
But I know I'm not the child I used to be
I shall forever age
Forever fear to die alone
All these wasted years –
just to die alone.

(by Randy E. Halprin)

Just like a ghost;
my soul is stranded somewhere between heaven and hell.
Screaming in pain,
for things unchanged,
I'm still in chains to the fears I have.
Just like a ghost,
I can't let go,
of what's really no longer mine.
My body.
My spirit.
My heart.
My mind.

(by Randy E. Halprin)

It's Christmas again
And here I wait still,
facing the end to another long year.

When all is calm,
but all is not still
When the night is broken
By cold sweat and chills.

No eggnog to drink
No blinking bright lights
No twinkling white snow
No turkey or ham
Or Christmas television shows

No stockings to hang
No fire place to watch
No Santa Claus
No candy canes

No gifts to swap
It's Christmas again.
And so I pray,
that next year's not the end
And I should live to see the next day.

Where's the snow?
Where's the love?
Where's the lights?
Where's the hope?

It comes and goes.
On Death Row.

(by Randy E. Halprin)

They put concrete shoes on me.
They threw me into the sea.
With chains wrapped around me,
squeezing so tight I could barely breathe.

(As  I was sinking down, I knew I'd probably drown.
There'd be no one around and I wouldn't be found.
Water would fill up my lungs and I would try  to scream:
My life had barely begun!)

But at the last moment,
something pulled me up.
Gave me hope…
Only to later let me go.
And so…
I did end up drowning anyway.

(by Randy E. Halprin)

What's your problem?
What's the deal?
I lifted your spirits,
I helped you heal.
I gave you support.
Helped you build
Your self esteem,
and your own will.
I never really asked for much in return.
Except loyalty,
and friendship –
instead I burn.
I've been cast aside,
while you have your fun.
I've been left to die,
while you run.

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