February 9th 2025
It's a quiet Sunday morning as I write this and I'm still sitting in a cell on a death row pod waiting to return to Dallas for a new trial. The only bad thing about that is we've been on lock down since the beginning of the new year and haven't left our cells for almost six weeks now. Very few showers and no recreation at all. The only times I've left my cell is for legal calls and a legal visit.
When it seemed like I wasn't going back to Dallas any time soon I went ahead and signed up for the next classes offered but because of this lock down (due to several murders and overdoses in general population) classes can't even start until the lock down is over. The only thing that makes it okay is that I'm around some good guys and our section has two huge big screen TVs so we watch movies and other shows and we play Jeopardy during the week days, which has been a miserable experience for most of the guys around me because in a month in a half I've only lost once. It's gotten so ridiculous that one of the guys joked, "I'll be glad when you leave!" 25 years sitting in solitary confinement and doing nothing but reading books and magazines has filled my brain with a treasure trove of useless information!
Anyways, I had written something after I got the ruling from the CCA but for whatever reason it was censored by the prison and never made it out but I basically said that while grateful for the possibility of a next chapter of life, I'm mindful of the pain of this all for others and it doesn't mean I'm celebrating or not taking this situation seriously. I'm very mindful of what I face moving ahead and the challenges I face while also being sorrowfully aware that others will be painfully dragged through this process as well. And as I tell the guys around me, there is no guarantee that I won't find myself right back on death row should there be another trial. All I can do right now is try to keep focused and prepare myself spiritually and mentally for wherever these next steps take me. There's a lot on my mind these days and a lot of anxiety, but I have to try and take one day at a time. My goals in life remain the same as they always have for the past few years no matter my circumstances in life and that is to live a life in service to others. I hope I get the chance to fulfill that.
I'll do updates in Dallas but I think I'm going to spend most of my time working on Book Two of my planned memoir trilogy. I'm going to title it 'Away From The Sun' following my first published memoir, 'Falling Down' . Book Two will focus on my first years in prison and the events that followed leading up to being sent to death row. Then, once all of my legal stuff is finalised, I will write book three which I still have no title for. That will focus on being on death row,finding purpose, and wherever life takes me post death row. I'll also throw myself more into journal writing as I share my next chapter of life, should I have an opportunity.
It's scary to think about what life will bring me upon a return to Dallas, but I'm as ready as I'll ever be. When I'm back in Dallas I'll give occasional updates, as I wrote earlier. Stay tuned!
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace
November 10th, 2024
It's an early and peaceful Sunday morning as I sit here reflecting about
the past week and the news that I finally received about a new trial. A
part of me was beginning to wonder how much longer I would have to wait
for this news and I really wasn't expecting it to come this past Wednesday when it did.
I had been up most of the night before following the election
results and the guards working the pod decided to set up shop on our
section to watch the results and then have a celebration in our day
room.
When I did decide to start my morning I wasn't filled with anger
or anything like that. I was more befuddled and sad than anything. I
went to the shower, was trapped for over an hour and that irritated me,
but still, the sadness was overwhelming so I wasn't even angry about
being trapped in the shower.
When I came back to my cell I reclined on
my mattress, lost in thought, when a woman from the mental health
department was making her rounds going cell to cell checking on people.
When she came to my cell she asked me how I was and I replied, "I'm okay.
Just little sad." She asked me why I was sad and I told her because of
the election results and then she said, "Oh Baby, its gonna be okay.
God has a plan for everything!" And I was like, yeah...I know.
She walked off and for some reason I had this feeling to grab my tablet
and check messages. On Wednesdays I normally don't start checking the
news for rulings until after ten in the morning. I went to my messages
and there was one from my Attorney so I opened it and he said that just
as he was about to file with the Supreme Court, he saw that the CCA
ruled in my favor! I jumped up and couldn't believe it! Field Minister
Troop had passed by and I said, "Troop! I got it!!!" " Got what?" "The new trial!" And so he announced it and everyone started cheering and
were excited.
It was an overwhelming feeling and even now I'm still trying to process
it all. I'm obviously very grateful. I'm grateful to the CCA for getting
it right, I'm forever grateful and indebted to my legal team whom have
been fighting so hard to save my life when at the time they took over
representing me it looked like my goose was cooked. I'm grateful to my
friends and especially Taffy who has been through all of the ups and
downs of this and never wavered even when she has been battling her own
health issues. And I'm grateful for the countless strangers who have
prayed, supported or believed in me for this day to come. Thank you from
the bottom of my heart.
I don't know know what the future holds for me. I don't know what the
outcome of this will be, but what I do know is I have a
responsibility and obligation to not mess up a potential second chance at
life, and I won't. Maybe some people roll their eyes or don't believe
me when I would say that should I get this chance, I wanted to live a
life in service to others, but I have always meant it and have always
been serious. I've been putting in the work through classes and whatever
I have to do to have the tools to do what I feel I'm being called to
do. It doesn't matter whether it is free or a life in prison. I just
want to give back and show in actions that my words weren't some
desperate attempt to save my life. I am not going to let those that
believed in me down.
So...thank you. This story is to be continued and I will be giving updates
as things progress. I'm not sure when I'll be back in Dallas but I
should know sometime this week when I talk to my lawyers. I do plan on
doing more frequent journals soon...So, stay tuned!
Courage Strength Hope and Faith
Peace
October 20th, 2024
What a wild month this has been thus far! Not a terrible month, but definitely a weird one. I can't explain it and maybe because there is a looming election in just a couple of weeks, I'm still waiting on a decision from the CCA and other events...it feels like October is building towards something that I can't quite put my finger on. I have this weird instinctive feeling in my stomach and while I'm no psychic...the feeling usually turns into something that when I dismiss it, it turns bad for me. So...no idea what it means, good or bad, but it means something!
I did have a series of weird dreams recently, mostly prison related. In one of them I was a life coach and I was pushing some equipment down a side walk to go teach a class. When I went to this gym type area and some of the inmate students were in a large circle having a dance off! I was like, WTF? Another life coach was explaining to me that he wanted to try something new and thought that the dancing would have therapeutic benefits, which did sound like it was worth trying. Boy were these guys cutting a rug! They were really into it!
We've been on lock down now for a week and it's expected to probably go all the way up to the Veterans day holiday which is a long stretch! They've been giving us really paltry meals which is the worst of it though. The major has been cool enough to allow the TV's to stay on which gives the guys a little distraction, but honestly, I've been missing taking classes. We won't start the next two classes until after the lock down. We were to have the graduation ceremony for the Authentic Manhood and Bridges To Life Classes last Wednesday but all of that was put on hold, and while part of me really wants to keep taking classes, another part of me hopes I get my ruling soon and that this is my last lock down on death row.
I also learned that one of my friends from death row, who had gotten off of death row and was free for several years was recently retried and sentenced to life in prison which was heartbreaking to hear. I can't imagine what that must feel like to have been rebuilding a life successfully after two decades on death row and then to have it all pulled out from beneath you again. I think that's why I've never entertained any delusions about going free. I'm not sure I could mentally handle it all falling apart.
Then there was the miracle sparing of Robert Roberson that literally required an act of the Texas Legislature to spare his life for another few months. It's crazy to me that experts and even the detective that got him sent to Death Row all now say they got it wrong and he is innocent and the state, including the clemency board, still actively tried to kill him. If that doesn't scream that there is something fundamentally wrong with the justice system - especially how it operates in Texas...Something is broken and a case like Robert Roberson's highlights just how broken it is. Well, that is how I see it, anyways. I actually just heard on the news he is scheduled to testify before the legislature tomorrow at noon.
In other news Field Ministers Troop and Gary continue to paint the sections and things look great. These cells haven't been painted in decades so to see fresh white and blue paint after years of decay...it does have a psychological effect. A cell is a cell, but at least it can be liveable. Once they're done painting the sections they will install the new television which will be an improvement especially since we barely get recreation anymore.
All else is okay with me and I'm getting by the best that I can.
Courage Strength Hope and Faith
Peace
October 13th, 2024
It's Sunday morning at 5.46am and I'm trying to figure out the day and get it moving along while it's still peaceful and quiet.
They started this weird thing on weekends in which they split up the Saturday recreation into two days doing one half of the pod each day. Yesterday I was able to get outside and it was nice. And even though I was tired and hungry from a lack of sleep (noisey guards at night time, and fasting for Yom Kippur) I still played some basketball and thoroughly got my butt kicked. I managed to win one game and the others were only lost by a few points but I just had no fuel in the tank for that extra push. So, anyways, today the other half of the pod will go to rec. and so here in an hour or so it'll be noisey and chaotic.
Field Minister Gary was able to get his job back last week which was a relief. Our letter and petition campaign helped, he said, and I'm just grateful that one hateful person wasn't able to get away with a lie and unravel all of the hard work he has done for death row. In fact, he didn't miss a beat upon his return and they've already started to paint on B section. C section will be next and then after the lock down, or sometime in November, they'll start working on the whole pod. It's going to be a lovely white and blue...which will be a nice change from the black and industrial green the pod is currently. We need lighter colors and I think it'll affect the moods of both the inmates and guards. Because B and C section are where the classes are taught they'll get their big screen TVs first, which is understandable, but the rest of the pod will soon follow. We're in between new classes right now because of the looming lock down but I look forward to seeing what they offer us next...assuming I'll still be here if the CCA doesn't rule between that point in time. Oh, and yesterday a church donated cookies to the entire prison unit so we all received a pack of cookies yesterday which was a treat after coming off of a fast!
I was thinking about the election fast approaching and I'm hoping that people in Texas will pay attention and vote for both the CCA (three seats are open so vote Democratic if you want to see a true change in the appeals process - a more fair and sensible approach!) And of course get Ted Cruz out of there...And it goes without saying, no to Trump. Think about this... besides being a complete buffoon, and aspersions aside...Okay, allow me ONE aspersion: He's a paper tiger. The worst kind of bully- the kind that deep down inside is just a coward. But the biggest reason is in a time of any real crisis where storms are literally destroying communities... do you trust a Trump administration to handle any large scale crisis? He had his test with Covid and utterly failed. That should be reason enough! It was an unmitigated disaster, and HE was responsible for the economy going to shambles at the end of his term. But hey, if he wins...you'll see. I'm just begging people to get out and vote. Don't sit on the sidelines and complain afterwards if your side loses. My dad used to always tell me that you don't have the right to complain if you don't vote. And that is my political speech for the season.
Well, the rumor is we're going to be on lock down either tomorrow or in the coming week so well have to see what happens with that. Right now I'm about to see if I can pick up the Austin alternative music station because at 7am they have a new music show and I've yet to hear the new Cure song and it's driving me nuts! I need to hear it!!! Agh!!! A Tejano station is bleeding over top of the Austin station...Sadly no new Cure for me this morning.
On with the day!
Courage. Strength Hope and Faith.
Peace
October 6th, 2024
I think I'm turning into an old man! I've been up since 5am which isn't all that bad because I'm enjoying getting up early and the peace that comes with it. But when I go to sleep at 8pm at night on a Saturday? Yep! That is old man behavior right there!
Seriously though, I was so exhausted emotionally and physically last night because for the past few days we've been trying to save the job of a really respected and loved Field Minister who was wrongfully removed from working on death row and sent out to work 8 building, and all because someone sent an anonymous email to the administration that lied about him. It all happened last week and he was removed Wednesday afternoon. Right before he left he came by to tell me what happened and I could see tears in his eyes as he was saying goodbye. I was in a state of disbelief at first and then became really angry because it wasn't fair. When he left I called a meeting with my section to explain what happened and strategize a way to get him back and save his job. We talked about writing individual letters about how he has impacted our lives and has overall worked diligently to improve the quality of life for everyone back here regardless of their spiritual beliefs. He never turned anyone down within reason and within the boundaries of what he could do as an inmate. He made sure we watched movies regulary and got movies on birthdays. He spearheaded the project to get TVs for every death row section. He and another field minister use their own money to get commissary and hygiene for indigent inmates as well as doing a big spread the weekend before an execution for the guy scheduled - all of these things that hadn't been done before. On Thursday the other sections did the same thing and we gave field minister Troop a handful of signed petitions and letters in hopes the administration will reinstate him.
What's funny in all of this is the anonymous person isn't all that anonymous and while it is all circumstantial evidence, we know exactly who this so called 'Concerned Citizen' is and their motives. It's sad that they crave attention so desperately that they would allow their own sick jealousy to potentially sabotage the gains that have been achieved in improving the life of people in Ad Seg and on death row. They claim to be an 'activist ' and that they fight and support guys back here, but then pull stunts that hurt us all. It only highlights one of, if not THE biggest problem, with many anti death penalty groups and cliques...Everyone has their own agenda and little of it has anything to do with actually helping us or saving us. THEY want the attention and glory for abolishing the death penalty or improving the quality of life, and be damned if anyone gets in their way. That may be a hard pill to swallow, but it is the bitter truth, and sometimes I pray that I get off of death row just so I can expose these charlatans for who they really are. They aren't helping us. Just the opposite...so thanks for that 'concerned citizen'. So yeah, I'm angry... but I'm hoping he can get his job back. He didn't deserve that and we all have his back.
There was some good news this past week for a guy back here and we were all thrilled that the Supreme Court would hear his case. Should it go in his favor, this has the potential to help many guys back here - especially some with similar circumstances who were convicted and sentenced to death under the Law Of Parties. We shall see what happens.
For all of my Jewish brothers and sisters - Shanah Tovah! Happy and Sweet New Year! Its been five years now since I've received a stay of execution which is crazy, and even if I'm frustrated, I'm grateful for life and to have had the opportunities to improve and take classes!
Courage Strength Hope and Faith
Peace
September 30th, 2024
I woke up at 5:15am and immediately started my day. This is a new/old routine as I used to get up super early back in the days we had recreation every single day and I was always one of the first to go out at 6am. Now it's because my mental health is dependent upon having just a couple of hours before things become chaotic and I can't concentrate on anything.
So, I've exercised and washed up just in case they don't do showers today and I'm ready to take on the day. I'm happy September is coming to an end and look forward to things cooling down a bit, Rosh Hoshana on Wednesday night, and who knows...maybe a positive ruling in the month of October. Then...I'm super excited about November 1st because that is the day the new Cure album, Songs For A Lost World drops!!! Finally after over a decade and a half! And of course, the holiday season. Good things on the horizon.
The weekend was peaceful enough. I was able to get outside early Saturday morning and enjoy a cool start to the day. The nights have been lovely, but the days here in Livingston are still hot, but not as bad as it had been.
In other news, I completed two of my classes last week. Today, Field Minister Troop will pick up our work books and then we're scheduled to have our graduation and certificates on the 9th of October. They're hoping we don't go on lock down before then, which is coming soon as it does every fall. They're planning on some guest speakers and maybe some kind of food, but all of that is speculation at this point.
I'm sad that tomorrow is the scheduled execution of Garcia White, or as we called him, "Big White," because the dude is huge. He's probably one of the nicest guys back here and has a smile that can light a room up. Just a good dude. I'll never forget when on the day I got my stay of execution I was out at rec. early that morning. I was in A day room and he was in C day room. I was moping about, sad and scared, because I was getting close to the end and had a scheduled phone call that same day to plan out the last days of my life. He called me over to the bars and said, smiling really big, " Pick your head up! It ain't over yet. Anything can happen, y'hear? Don't give up or lose hope." And he was right! I received a stay of execution that afternoon. I don't know what he did to get sent to death row and I don't care what he did because whoever THAT person was, is NOT the man he is today.
In other news next week I celebrate my 40th week of my radio show on the prison radio station, The Tank. My show comes on every Friday night at 9pm where I curate an hour of music, but because its a forty week celebration, I'm getting a two hour special. They also put two of my shows on the Tank app on our tablet for people in prisons all over the country to listen to which had me excited. I thought I'd share one of the weeks posted. My show highlights all of the facets of Alternative music from New Wave, post punk modern rock, shoe gaze, '90s alternative, electronic...whatever I feel like doing. Here is one of those shows posted from week 31: Eden - 10,000 Maniacs Perfect - Smashing Pumpkins Space Age Love Song - Flock Of Seagulls Jupiter Crash - The Cure We Are All Made Of Stars - Moby Do You Realise?- Flaming Lips Hazy Shade Of Winter - Bangles Running To Stand Still - U2 Sugar Hiccup - Cocteau Twins I Can't Be With You - Cranberries Faith - The Cure
Enjoy!
Well, I'm going to get on with the day and I will be back in October!
Courage Strength Hope and Faith!
Peace
September 24th, 2024
I woke up pretty early this morning at about 5:10am and got my day started with some exercising. I love the quiet part of the morning before first shift gets started and the tv isn't turned on. I can think/meditate and just be without all of the chaos that ensues once things start moving.
This morning I was thinking about my friend who had a stroke last week, and his family. He was particularly close to his mother and they had one of the rare bonds that you don't see a lot on death row, where families actually love and support their son instead of shunning him like a leper. They kind of lived for each other and I wonder what this will do to his mom. Yesterday they went to his cell and packed up all of his belongings which is a sign he isn't coming back. I don't know if it all turned for the worst and he didn't make it or he is on the medical building, but it definitely means he isn't coming back here any more. I was thinking about how he was one of the first guys I ever talked to on death row, on the very section that I currently live on. I was in the day room and he came to the door and introduced himself. That was over two decades ago. Then, today there is a scheduled execution and that will go through as the guy told his attorneys to not file any last minute appeals. Another is scheduled for next week as well. There's a heaviness in the air right now and I'm particularly sensitive to these things so it makes me feel a bit heavy hearted.
Yesterday I finished my Bridges To Life class and we should graduate and turn in our assignments and work books in next week to receive our certificate. Tomorrow I finish authentic manhood and our essay on how we plan on being better men is due next week, and we'll receive our certificate. Mine is already completed, typed up, and ready to go. We will probably start two more classes after the fall lock down. I don't know what they will be, but should I still be waiting on a CCA ruling I've already signed up and I'll take them. Gotta keep myself busy growing and learning. Even at 47 years old there is always room for improvement. That shouldn't just apply to someone on death row.
Well, we seem to have a really good crew working today so the chaos should be at a minimal. 8:41am I love getting a shower early and not being trapped in there for an hour. These officers are firing on all cylinders which bodes well for everyone's sanity. They'll have to pause everything at noon to escort the guy who faces execution to the van waiting. My window faces the side walk where they lead the guy so I'll bang on my window with everyone else as we show support. For now, though, I can get on with my morning.
I still haven't heard anything about the mentorship program and when I last talked to one of the life coaches he said they were still waiting on approval from the warden.
It's past noon now and they took the guy scheduled for execution away to Huntsville. He seemed at peace walking down the side walk. I don't think I've ever seen anyone actually smile taking that last walk from the visitation room to the van. The one thing I still never get used to and get upset about is when I see guards shake hands and joke about as the van pulls away. It's such a disgusting spectacle. Will it ever end?
Anyways, I'll end this for the day.
Courage Strength Hope and Faith
Peace
September 19th, 2024
I thought I'd get a jump on writing a journal as long as the securus system is working right now. I hadn't put off writing anything at all. To the contrary, this system has been so wonky that I'm terrified that when I start writing something it'll get wiped out. I've definitely had much to write about that is for sure! Where to begin? I turned 47 on the 13th. For the past few years my birthday has happened during a lock down so it was nice to finally have a birthday that wasn't. Field minister Gary brought in the big screen TV's for a birthday movie marathon and allowed me to pick the movies for the day and I picked three movies and then let the section decide the rest which made them happy. I've got an eclectic taste in movies and wouldn't want action movies all day and my section is a big action movie section plus I had some requests being played on the unit movie channel that following Saturday (I had zero shame in requesting E.T. as one of them! haha) So why not share?
Taking three classes now takes up a few hours each day of my time which keeps me from feeling restless and anxious. Two of those classes, Authentic Manhood and Bridges To Life only have a couple of lessons left, and then two new classes will begin after that. I've an essay/Authentic Manhood plan due on October 2nd and I've just put the finishing touches on that because it's required to receive a certificate. Then, last weekend I was approached by one of the Life Coaches and asked if I wanted to sign up for a new experimental mentorship program that would take one Death Row prisoner and pair him up with a guy struggling in Administrative Segregation. The idea being that I could use my story to encourage him or guide him to course correct his life. So, a few times a week they would take me out of my cell and put us in a visitation booth and talk, share our lives etc. I was like, Heck yeah! Sign me up. The officer over the life coaches and is also a ' Wellness Officer' came and told me on Tuesday that I made the initial list but on Wednesday ( yesterday) he would hand that list to the Warden for a final decision. I worry that they would still hold the escape against me from 24 years ago, but the officer said he would vouch for me so now I'm just waiting to see if I made it. I hope I did because it would be a tremendous opportunity to affect a life for the better...and that is what I feel my purpose is. I want to be a part of anything that is going to improve a life - including my own. As well as improve the quality of life in this environment. Speaking of improving the quality of life...if you want to help or get involved in that endeavor there are two ministries focused on that very purpose: FightToForgive.com and death2lifeprisonministries.org and I highly recommend reaching out to them and asking how you can help, if you care about those things or want to help and don't know how.
I'm still waiting on the CCA for its decision. It has been two years since the State conceded and filed their recommendation to the trial court Judge that I deserved a new trial. Two years...How much longer can this carry on? I'm praying for not much longer.
So...yeah, 47 years old. Do I feel it? Not really. I know a guy back here who is the same age as me and looks like he's been through the ringer both emotionally and physically, so in that regard, I'm blessed. I might age a little if Kamala Harris doesn't win the presidential race. haha...Let's hope THAT doesn't happen!
Anyways, more to come if I don't have a gazillion distractions.
Courage Strength Hope and Faith.
Peace