January 2nd, 2023
I can't believe it is a new year and new week. They're treating today like a holiday and it has been very boring and lazy. Made more so because it's extremely humid and icky feeling in the cell. East Texas humidity has the effect of zapping the life right out of you. How did folks live back in the old days before complex structures and climate control?
Well, its been a so- so start to the new year. I'm hopeful for a lot of good things, but I also know it's not going to be a great year for other guys and I am worried about all of the execution dates they're about to set in the coming weeks and months...
Today Troop came to the pod to show movies on one half of the pod. He showed A- section " Disturbia" B- section one of the Hunger Games movies and on C-section " In Time" ... He'll be back over here on Friday to get this side of the pod. We're still dealing with staff shortages. Averaging about 1 shower every few days. We're wondering if we'll have rec. tomorrow. I decided to reboot my exercising yesterday because waiting on recreation isn't going to cut it. I need to be proactive.
I don't mind the section I'm living on. Everyone is fairly positive and these guys keep telling me I'm on the way out from this place. It means a lot but I try to be humble about it and not put it in people's faces when we're all still on death row. I always say that I'm not out of the woods yet. But I do pray these are my last days, weeks, or months. Time will tell!
Well, as I get used to typing these journals on the tablet I'm hoping it might speed up the process a little bit. It still feels a little weird but we'll see!
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
January 4th, 2023
It's Wednesday and I'm feeling a bit lazy. I did manage to get quite a bit accomplished though. I went to rec. yesterday but sadly, not everyone made it because in the afternoon rec was cancelled as well as showers.
So, today I was catching up on some writing duties and thinking on a lot of things. I'm always frustrated and saddened by misinformation and an inability to control fact versus fiction, as well as opinions formed about me by taking moments out of my life, and picking out certain mistakes to paint a portrait of who they might think I am. I've screwed up...no doubt about that and over the years I've had stumbles and missteps but I do know my heart and those that do mentor me, support me, and care about me, know I'm not perfect. I don't hide behind trauma, I don't play the victim...I own my mistakes. But they do know my heart and my constant desire to want to give back and to make right my bad choices.
My life, even in the hard times, is always about trying to be of service. I know I can't convince everyone of that and I won't even try. I can only let my actions and words speak for themselves. That's really all I can do. Trying to live a life of validation and trying to impress everyone around me has never worked for me. In fact, it always has gotten me in trouble. I'd also like to say that I've never 'hid behind religion' or tried to make myself look like a saint. I'm proudly Jewish and my faith is important to me, but I'm far from religious. I do what my heart tells me and I do my best but yeah, I like cheese burgers. I can cuss like a sailor at times. I have an irreverent sense of humor. And I'm in love with a gentile. But I am Jewish and my trial Judge hated Jews. He was biased. That isn't my fault.
I do not want to have to go through this process all over again. I don't want people to hurt all over again. But its not 'hiding behind a religion'. I recently heard a legal expert do a Q and A and someone asked him how he felt about cases affected over 'technicalities' and he corrected the person and said there's no such thing. He explained that the justice system is built on laws and rules and when those are broken whether a person likes it or not, the only remedy is to fix it by giving new trials, or throwing cases out. You can't call it justice if you're willing to bend the rules, break the rules, or violate your duties. People get mad at attorneys for exposing the violations within the rules. But that is how the system is designed so that it can course correct itself. That's why we have a constitution. But no, I'm not 'hiding'.
I'm deeply sorry there is pain and suffering and anger in this process, and I pray with all that's in me that peace and forgiveness can be given...I am sincere and one day I hope people can see this in my actions and not just my words. I'm not perfect but I am always trying to be better.
The day is winding down now and I'm easing into the evening. Be kind to one another. A little positivity can go a long way.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith
Peace.
January 5th, 2023
I know my heart...I know my intentions... I know who I am and the life I want to live and have already started to live: a life of service to others...a life that returns goodness for any harm I've caused in the past. I might stumble and occasionally require guidance and patience, but I know I want to live in light and love. I am a good person. I can say that in confidence. I can say that even if I'm still judged by my past, I won't allow it to change me from being the person I want to be.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace
January 10th, 2023
Well, its clear that these emessages aren't flawless. I think I had some messages and a weekend journal go missing. Here's to hoping this entry gets out.
My spirit is a bit heavy today because I received some attacks and I guess I should've expected it with the possibility of a new trial. I don't feel sorry for myself and while it does hurt, I can handle it. I guess it hurts because I have done my very best in offering atonement and asking for forgiveness. Not in words but in actions. I have to live with shame and regret, remorse...sometimes self hate and disbelief at some of my actions going all the way back to my first offense. I live with this, but I also know I'm not that person and I wish with all of me I could make it all right somehow. If I could sit down with the people that have been affected by my choices and mistakes I would and the offer is always there. Scream at me, spit at me...I'll accept it all but I also want to ask forgiveness and for them to see my eyes, the sincerity of my soul. That's all. I do try to show in words and actions and people don't know half of my efforts to atone and give back. I just have to do my best to keep moving forward in light.
The rumor mill is back at it saying more is to come with the tablet by!the end of the month. I think people mistake gratitude with being lied to and being punished for no other reason than guys being on death row. Its not being ungrateful. The guys here are grateful for the tablet and messaging, but where as every other inmate in Texas can gain more content through good behavior, death row can't, and that is the root argument and why so many are upset. It's more than attitude and outlook.
Sadly, there's an execution today and those always bring morale down a bit.
Be kind to one another.
Courage, Strength. Hope and Faith
Peace
January 11th, 2023
Actions prove sincerity. I woke up this morning with those words on my mind. As if my dearly departed friend and mentor was speaking to me from the great beyond. David, a proud Marine who lost his foot to a land mine, often told me that when I talked about striving to be a better person. In prison people say, "A pair of lips will say anything," meaning that unless there's something to back it up, it can't be trusted.
Before I went to sleep, I was thinking about how it seems impossible to prove to the world, especially the doubters that will say that I'm just faking it or pulling some great con in trying to show I'm not dangerous, or how I'm a different person than I was at 18 years old or 23 years old, 25 and so on...All I can say is that Actions Prove Sincerity.
I have 15 years of writings that chronicle my life here. When I falter, I don't gloss over it. When I'm upset over something, I let it out. I've stumbled and I have hurt people's feelings. I've not been a perfect person. I've let pain, fear, and people hurting me control my decision making process and faltered. I'm human. I'm sure that even Gandhi and Mother Theresa stumbled on their paths to be better people. But throughout, I have learned, tried to atone, and grow. I've tried to give back and be better. That's why I always tell people to let my actions speak for me, not my words.
I was also thinking about how unforgiving people are in this country. There was a study recently done about Americans being some of the most unhappy people in the world and it's mind boggling that a country so advanced and wealthy, a country that provides entertainment and other forms of art to the world, could be miserable and yet we are. It shows itself in subtle ways though...Gun culture, revenge culture, politics, and other ugly forms. You would think in a country that primarily views itself as founded on Judaic-Christian values that forgiveness would be the key driving force. And yet, it isn't. It just makes me wonder what the root cause for misery in this country is.
Well, as I said, Actions Prove Sincerity.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith
Peace
January 15th, 2023
I've had a slight headache today and so I've really accomplished nothing other than washing one bed sheet. I was going to do both of them but then I thought, ehhh, I'll do the other tomorrow.
Field Minister Troop came by yesterday and we had an hour theological debate. We recently gained the religious app called Pando on our tablet and its pretty much Christian based content and a few shows. Some of the content is super preachy but a lot of it is surprisingly modern and progressive and there's some music videos, a TV show called The Chosen, which wasn't really bad at all. And if you dig deep enough there's even a few Christmas movies buried in the content. I watched Elf for the first time Friday night.
Anyways, Troop and I got into talking about The Chosen and I felt some of it was contradictory to jewish teachings and there were even some anti-semitic tropes in it and well, it wasn't horrible, and we talked about all of that. He said he would be back today to show one half of the pod movies, and will also be back to show us a movie tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to that.
We've not had showers in two days either but what's weird today is that there were three officers on the pod the entire day. It ticked off a bunch of people but not like we can do anything. Maybe tomorrow. That's really been it for the weekend.
Courage. Strength. Hope. and Faith.
Peace
January 18th, 2023
Wednesday...and another day on one of the finest penal institutions in the country! Man, waking up in this place I have to pinch myself and ask, “How did I ever become so fortunate to land in a country club!?” And if a person here really does that, they need to have their head checked out.
So, I'm starting this a bit early today so that I can ride the ebb and flow of the day. I'm curious where it will take me. What worries me is how tense things are right now. Some guys have really had enough, and the sucker punches keep coming...the latest kick in the proverbial testies came Monday night when the night time officers announced our weekly five minute phone calls had been reduced to one call a month now. When asked why that was they said someone abused a call by doing some interview with a YouTuber and it was posted after their execution. Well, while the Officers were quick to throw a dead man under the bus, in my own mind I had a bunch of questions...Okay, let's assume this incident happened...
- The guy can't make a call on his own. The officer has to call the switch board, verify the number by making sure the person is calling an approved number, and then the call can go through.
- An Officer has to monitor the call. When I call Taffy there is an officer standing inches from my door while the phone is clipped to my door screen and on speaker.
- There is no policy that forbids a call from being recorded, or posted for that matter. I'm sure guys do it all of the time in general population.
So, getting back to questions one and two...The Officers had to have failed at their job, assuming what they said happened was true. Of course, being punished arbitrarily and collectively for the failure of an Officer's job is nothing new to us. But I need more information. It sounds to me like they're making a dead dude a scape goat to justify not giving death row the phone app. That's conjecture, of course, but it wouldn't surprise me.
I had to calm some guys down yesterday and keep them from acting out. I said, "Look, get more information first. Then file grievances. If you act up and do something stupid, it'll only help the administration by giving them justification. Simmer down a bit. Don't be dumb." I don't know if it'll work, but it can't be ignored that B pod feels like a tender box right now. You can only expect men to take broken promises and the fact that things never improve for so long. Right now Death Row is a tale of two cities. There is A pod and B pod. The majority of A pod is the faith based program. They get classes, they have regular visitors from all walks of life, they get free world food, movies on a regular basis, concerts etc. Talk to most men on A pod and they'll boast about how wonderful things are and all of the wonderful changes. Yet, they are a little blinded by the fact that we've lost more than we've gained. Then, you have B pod...all we get is a couple of showers a week, it seems and one or two days of rec. We might get a movie once every couple of weeks...The highlight of each week was the five minute call.
I know it sounds terribly cynical of me, but I'm just trying to show the stark contrast and why people are so upset and why it's more than 'attitude is everything' or more than just being grateful. A grateful heart doesn't mean you have to tolerate a kick in the nuts when it happens. I mean, who on earth says " Man! You landed that right on the left one...but thank you for missing the right one!" Well, today is CCA ruling day and I'll be checking on all of that throughout the day. we shall see what happens. Shockingly they're doing rec. I went outside before noon and it started pouring rain! I was soaked from head to toe so we came back in within minutes.
And that's the day!
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace
January 22nd, 2023
It's a chilly but beautifully bright Sunday. A stark contrast to yesterday's damp and grey day that honestly ended horribly. Things were starting off positively with recreation and a buzz of excitement that it had been confirmed by various reliable sources we would begin to have recreation more regularly as well as receiving more content and apps via the tablet very soon. After the disappointing roll out of the tablets the spirit of this place had been crushed here on B pod and everyone was miserable.
When I went to rec I spent the entire two hours answering questions on how the podcast app and media app worked so those guys would be ready should they eventually pop up. We talked about music and movies and I got teased when a guy asked what movie I wanted to watch first and I said, "Well, I definitely want to watch Avatar, but I have to check with Taffy and see what movie she wants to do first for a date..." They were like. “Wait. What? You have to check with your girl first?” I said, “Hey dudes, I've no shame in movie dates and keeping her heart happy and besides I like doing them, too! We're doing Elf today on the pando app. Ha ha”
I came back in and had to wait quite a while for a shower and when I made it to the shower I was stuck there for an hour which sucked. Later I did Elf which is a funny movie for anyone who hasn't seen it. I love the childlike innocence of Buddy the Elf. It was after the movie that we learned the upsetting and shocking news of yet another Death Row suicide, Terence Andrus. The guards were freaking out and everything was shut down to deal with the situation. He was liked by a lot of people both guards and inmates alike but in the past year he had mentally declined severely and would say he was tired of this place and having everything taken from us all of the time...Sadly, that is the reality of this place. Some people can be strong for only so long. And then there's the cruel irony that the state wants to try and keep you alive for the sole purpose of murdering you when your appeals run out. They don't care about your well being, just that you stay alive. To murder you. That twisted reality can weigh heavily on a person.
I suggest people watch the series The Chosen...I think you'll learn something about how we should act towards even the worst of us. Since I've been here I think I've been exposed to over a dozen or so suicides. That is not something any human being should have to live with. It's sad.
I slept okay and then started my day. Sundays are typically lazy after I do my chores and today is no different. I'm telling myself now that tomorrow I need to get off of my lazy butt and get back to some of my writing projects. The only writing I've been doing of late is my home work assignments, when given, for my Voyager 2 class where we're often asked to write an essay on the topic we're covering. I can't believe I'm 13 weeks in now with that program.
We shall see what the week holds for us back here. I hope they will continue with recreation more frequently. I know getting out of the cell for a little bit always helps me clear my head. I need to start jogging again. Yeah, if I get to rec tomorrow I'm going to do that.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
January 23rd, 2023
It's another fine day on Polunsky Unit. We had recreation today but it's been a mad house with lazy guards who are upset they have to run recreation from Monday through Friday now. The unit is still short staffed so what they're doing is bringing Officers from other prison units to work over time here in an attempt to keep things running. If it is really true that we will soon receive the other apps on the tablet you would think the ranking officers or administration would want that fast tracked because two thirds of the pod will more than likely skip recreation to do other things on the tablet. I know a lot of guys who have said “screw rec.” I'm not one of them! Even in Dallas where I had the tablet, access to the phone and phone app etc. I had to get out of the cell when I could. I hate the feeling of being cooped up.
Today I vowed to get back on my cardio work out. I was doing the jump rope regularly before the lock down back in December but I really want to get back into my 20 minute high intensity cardio blast I was doing. I'll do the jump rope occasionally but it's really hard on my joints. Geeze, I sound like an old man!
It's been a really beautiful day. Cold, but lovely. Tomorrow we're expecting major storms and a ton of rain. There's been some rumors that we might get our five minute call back this week. That will be great if its true. Not having it this past week sucked for all of us.
I'm doing my best to keep busy and getting into a writing routine for a new collection of writings that have never been on my site. I'm mixing it up with all new poems and short stories. I want to work on my second memoir, but it has to wait for awhile. I have a few chapters written, but it just has to wait for now.
Well, I was out at rec today for over four hours. They're stopping rec now and just finishing showers, so the last rounds of rec were screwed out of it. It doesn't surprise me. On top of that I've received no long emails since last Thursday so that was upsetting. Crazy how things with technology are supposed make life less stressful and it ends up complicating things. That is pretty much the day today!
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
January 24th, 2023
Today has been a grey day. As I write this I'm still hoping to make it to recreation outside, but it's been shut down because it was supposed to storm. There's been a drop of rain here and there but nothing like last week when I was outside in the rain. I was hoping on a good jog or playing a little basketball.
With recreation everyday now, the field minister said the movies are going to be a difficult thing to do on a regular basis. It requires shutting down a day room to hook up the equipment and would require sections to give up their rec day to do it. They can get some sections to agree but not all because some guys want their rec and could not care less about a movie and I understand that. I don't like being cooped up in my cell either, but I also know some guys would prefer a movie so sacrificing a day is worth it. Troop said he might be able to work it out every month or so on a Sunday, but really we have to just hope they are serious about allowing us to purchase movies on the tablet. As I write this we have yet to receive any additional apps.
It's later now and I made it outside which was nice. It sprinkled a bit but now the storms are making their way in and it looks apocalyptic. We just had some news and update on the tablets and now some officers are saying we aren't for certain getting the media app. The warden is now saying it isn't a guarantee. Geeze, I'm so tired of being yanked around. Well onto another day!
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
January 25th, 2023
So, it's another CCA week and I'm all nerves. I'm starting this early in the day as I check the news and see what happens.
Yesterday I was still processing the suicide that happened over the weekend and on Sunday night I heard my neighbor talking about how the dude was a close friend of his and it really messed with his head, but he knew the guy wasn't right after losing his appeals. Apparently he had been screwed over really badly in his trial and when the Supreme Court was a 5-4 majority they had sent his appeals back to the CCA to have it addressed and he was certain it would be reversed. Well, Trump happened and RBG passed and that majority grew 6-3...The CCA basically ignored the Supreme Courts directive sent it back to the new majority and they denied it. I wanted to read this for myself and I kept putting in the wrong spelling for the legal Lexis Nexis app where you can look up rulings – the same app I keep checking for a CCA ruling today. I asked my neighbor why it kept telling me 'no search found' and he told me I spelled his name wrong.
The day got away from me as I was checking all day for messages. Other than some love notes from Taffy NOTHING was getting through and then around dinner a gazillion messages popped up all the way back to Friday! It wasn't until later in the evening I looked up the case and wow...he really did get screwed over. His trial lawyers put up no case in the sentencing phase, no mitigation, and totally screwed him over. Its a shame the courts have allowed that to happen. The courts always say this one line that is such BS... "Even if there was error, it was harmless because the crime was so awful or the evidence so overwhelming that it would not change the jurors mind." But how can they act like they know what would or wouldn't change a jurors mind? Have a look at the case of Paul Storey and listen to the Snap Judgement or This American Life podcast where some jurors said had they known his victim's family didn't want him executed they would have never voted for death. That decision ruined their own lives.
So, yeah, Terence felt helpless and hopeless. On top of that a mental health nurse here mocked him some weeks ago when he told her he was going to kill himself saying "Why haven't you done it already?” And he was in complete isolation on F pod in the dungeon. It was a perfect storm of horribleness. It gets my blood boiling. The Tank read a poem from him last night and it was one of pain. Ugh. And yet, some way, some how things go back to the way they were and remain.
Our recreation schedule has gone back to the pre pandemic one and while it means we'll get at least two outside days and three inside, it all but kills the field minister movies and we worry that guards will quit because they haven't had to do this much work in two years. If they'd give us the media app it would cut their work load by two thirds guaranteed! A lot of guys would just stay in their cells.
It's later in the day now and there was no CCA ruling and surprisingly the officers got everything done quickly. They're worn out and tired but they got it done. I always find it interesting when we have an all women crew working and society has deemed us the worst of the worst and a continued danger but...not too dangerous to have three women running a pod on death row.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
January 26th, 2023
I always find it interesting that TDCJ is always more than willing to violate security protocols and policy when it best suits them, but if an inmate does something as silly as passing a snack to another inmate some officers write them up for 'trafficking and trading' which is what happened today. All the while there were three women working the pod, a violation in itself because it requires a male officer to strip search an inmate when they leave their cell. Then, the officers working rarely did a security round every 30 minutes, never did a proper count time, as they are required, instead just cooking the books as they call it. And still after all of these violations one of them writes a disciplinary on an inmate for passing some ramen noodles to another inmate?? What kind of world do we live in? Insanity.
The phone app came on for about an hour today and then disappeared again. We were told it would take 2-4 weeks to sort it out before they would approve phone numbers but it did have a lot of guys excited. I joked and told some guys around me that people don't really talk much on the phone these days and after the novelty of it wears off people on the outside won't want to talk much, and we'll be back to square one.
It has been a long stressful day...I made it to the shower only to get trapped for an hour. Sheesh.
Courage. Strength Hope and Faith.
Peace.
January 28th, 2023
Saturday..I'm writing this in the morning at 9:32 am as I wait to go to recreation. The officers are in no hurry to begin and have been sitting in the control center horse playing. Its the only place I know that won't fire you for not doing your job. Of course, who cares about inmates when it comes to recreation or other basic needs? And that is why a law suit on death row conditions has officially been filed. You can read about it in the Texas Tribune news paper on line. It hasn't made big news but I know from talking to one of the field ministers yesterday that the head warden is ticked off about it. It's not his fault per se, and to his credit, he has done an outstanding job on the. changes he's made back here. That must be noted. However, there is a backwards culture when it comes to any change or reform in conditions especially when it comes to Death Row and Ad-Seg. You can't feign concern about mental health, the increasing rate of suicides and then continue to pursue policies that laugh in the face of that. There are those that will say , "Screw you, scum. You need to suffer. You need to die", but those thoughts or beliefs run contrary to most civilised standards in developed countries as well as our own Constitution. Even the three Abrahamic faiths. You can't call out other countries for their human rights violations when your own are just as bad, if not worse than the countries you call out.
So, we shall see what comes of it. Knowing TDCJ they will put up a fight and blow millions of tax payers dollars of money they say they don't have for things like improved food and conditions.
Well, yesterday was interesting. It does appear that we are for certain receiving the phone app. Securus came to our pod yesterday and set up recording stations in each day room via a portable phone. Then, individually, we were taken to the day room and we were told to speak into the phone and say our name three times after a beep, then say a phrase three times. After it recorded our voice biometrics, we had to say it again to make sure it worked and a voice said "You have now been accepted into the Securus phone system." What we don't know is how the prison is going to do our pre approved phone list and how many people we can call. General population gets 30 numbers. I doubt they will allow us that many people to call. Field Minister Troop was over here yesterday and we talked about an hour and he said that Warden Enriques told him we were getting all the apps, he just doesn't know when. It runs contrary to Warden Dickerson saying he doesn't know if we will or won't.
I told Troop I was tired of the towing and froing and if we got it, great. If not, we will just have to make do with what we have and then we talked about a system in which he could still show movies even when we have rec. six days a week now. We both agreed it would probably require a section skipping their rec. day. Which I'm sure most sections would sacrifice every now and then. Of course we also know that if these guys had the media app most guys wouldn't go to rec. and it would make the guards job much easier.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
January 29th, 2023
Sunday evening and I'm here listening to the world news as I type this. Earlier I did a Star Wars marathon, doing chores as I listened to a few of the newer movies, then at three I had a date with Taffy watching a show that is on the Pando app we have on our tablet. After that I've been lazy and relaxing, thinking and listening to the radio.
My neighbor has taken the suicide of Terence Andrus really hard. They were close friends and since his death he's been in a funk. I've been checking on him and talking every now and then.
Tomorrow the phone app is supposed to go live from 9 am to 5 pm but even if it comes on there's speculation on whether or not anyone will be able to use it because we don't know if we have to submit a phone list nor do we know how many people we will be allowed to call. There are still uncertainties.
It'll also be interesting to see how TDCJ responds to the law suits filed on conditions. The firm that filed them has had success in other states so Texas has a fight on their hands. Its crazy that the month is almost over. It went by in a breeze. And that is about it for today.
Courage. Strength. Hope. Faith.
Peace.
January 30th, 2023
I woke up feeling positive and full of hope, even in spite of the bad events of recent weeks and the coming executions. John Balentine is scheduled for next week and is a good friend of mine and I know it will be difficult for me, but I have to find light in the darkness and keep moving forward. If I survive this place I've made a promise to myself and to the guys here that I will continue to speak out about the death penalty, the possibility and power of redemption and change, and be a voice for these men. Even if I don't like everyone here, it doesn't mean I should be silent.
I do feel intuitively it's going to be a good week and beginning of a new month. I hope that spirit and feeling continues on throughout the week!
So, last Friday we did our voice biometrics for the phone app. This brought about much joy throughout the pod and the Securus technician told us, once we did our recording we were in the system we were ready. By Monday it should be good to go. Actually, a sergeant just came by and said we would be able to make calls later this week. What we don't know is how many people we will be allowed to call, how we'll have to do our phone list, meaning, do we submit a list for approval or just have you out there register online or what? We're flying blind and the administration is not helping guide us.
We are also getting mixed messages on whether or not we'll get the media app or even podcasts. The death row warden told the field minister we were but the head warden said he didn't know either way. I'm not understanding all of this cloak and dagger antics and why we just can't get a solid yes or no,you know?
In the midst of all of the confusion a law suit has officially been filed by a HUGE firm that has had success in other states with their death row and so this isn't some slapped together fly by the seat of your pants law suit. It has been in the works for over two years. TDCJ will waste a bunch of money fighting it as they do and we are already hearing that the head warden and the TDCJ director is pissed off so... We'll see what comes of it. There's hope and most of the guards here want us as well as ad seg to have more content on the tablet because it means less work for them.
So, I spent most of the weekend vegging out. I did have five hours of rec. on Saturday which was crazy, but I spent most of the weekend listening to movies. I did a star wars marathon, some Avengers and Fast and the Furious. We don't know when we'll see a movie back here from the field minister, though...doing rec every day makes it difficult for him.
Breaking news...they're starting to install televisions in the day room. No doubt in response to the law suits...They just put up the televisions in 4 day rooms and will finish tomorrow. Unfortunately they can't turn them on yet because the coax cables out there have to be replaced. Ad seg is getting TV as well. Still I knew something positive was happening this week. There is zero excuse to not allow us the media app now! I mean, what would be the argument?
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
February 2nd, 2023
I haven't really been able to get my brain to function and write because of the chaos of the week and the execution and everything else. But as I write this I'm feeling a bit clearer headed. I'm happy for the guys on the rest of the pod that have working televisions in their day room as they finally got their stations changed from Fox News, and right now they're watching Jurassic World. My section's TV doesn't work so we're just staring at a blue screen. Fun!
I thought my friend John was getting a stay of execution today. They moved him in on our section and then five minutes later moved him back to A-Pod so we were all really confused and we still don't know what is going on. Well...hopefully they will get our TV working some time soon. It kind of sucks hearing TVs blast every where except on our section. I heard a Star Wars commercial earlier and yelled NOOOOOOO! Haha...It's my lot in life I suppose.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
February 4th, 2023
I'm starting this on a Saturday morning and it's like a ghost town with only one Officer on the floor. They've been short handed of late and so to fill the gap, Officers from other prison units in the region use their over time to work here. I imagine that costs a pretty penny for the state and I wonder if the state is footing the gas bill to drive over here as well. To their credit they're trying to run more recreation but inmates are still getting screwed over because the Off Unit officers don't arrive until 9 or 10 am and then we will get a lazy officer that works here.
I'll give yesterday as an example. Rec. started at 11am and I went outside for first round. It was lovely. A slight chill, but brilliant sunshine and the air was fresh. I came back in a little after two. Second round stayed out until after four. Third round received less than two hours of rec. because everything has to be shut down before second shift...because they are short handed as well! This leaves two rounds of rec. incomplete and a whole bunch of showers that never happened. Now with TV in the day rooms everyone wants to go and watch a little tv....I'm no rocket scientist, but it goes without saying that one way to mitigate these issues is to just allow the media app on the tablets. Then, a lot of guys would say “screw rec” and others will say, “screw rec and the TVs, I'll watch my own content.” Simple solution!
I feel like a hamster on a wheel these days because we are running around in circles getting nowhere and even the supervisors know how to mitigate the problems but no one can solve it because the higher ups WON'T solve them. Is it any wonder why people are losing their minds here or wanting to end it all? My patience is tested every day and if I wasn't a master at compartmentalization I'd probably have flown over the cuckoo's nest myself. Thank G-d for wonderful people in my life to hold me up mentally and spiritually. I'm also good at finding humor in crazy situations...when you see absurdity in life and how it can be a comic farce and just laugh... its really cathartic. For example...these new TVs have a default setting when they are unplugged. No one knew that. It's been 23 years since death row has had television. On Thursday after several days of non stop Fox News torture, they were able to get the channels changed to TNT. They watched Jurassic World and then Basketball. At 10.30pm the Officer unplugged the TV. The next morning they plugged it back in and it was back on Fox News! It stayed on there all day! I found it funny for some reason. It figures that the default setting would he Fox News! Fortunately, as I am typing this a trustee just showed up with the remote control and put it on the movie station for the working TVs and my section is stuck out. Its my lot in life, I suppose. I was joking with my neighbors that Troop owes my section an entire day of movies.
Well, on with the day! I think lunch is on the other side of the pod. Its 10:25am now and I have a splitting headache and nothing is working. I took an aspirin but its not working! Its now close to second shift and I spent the day watching movies! I asked the guard if he'd keep the section door open we could see the TV in D section and he said he would, but would close it before shift change. I watched Secario part one and then half of the Northman because I had date time with Taffy at 3 pm watching a series on the Pando App, and after that I watched Secario 2. Then the guard closed the door. I could listen on my radio so it made it all the better. I just had to stand for five hours. The torture I put my self for movies I've never seen. I really wanted to see Everything And Every Where All At Once as it is the next movie but I will probably have to just listen.
On to a new day!
Courage. Strength Hope and Faith
Peace
February 8th, 2023
As I write this it was another day without rec or showers. Well, they did showers yesterday but because I was out at rec until after six in the evening and 2nd shift was short handed I was screwed out of a shower. Five days now that I've had to bathe out of my sink.
With TVs in the day rooms now everyone wants to go to rec. to watch TV, especially on my side where the TV is working. Well, it was working on my section after a trustee ran a wire from a cell to the TV on Saturday and I watched a few movies, but some bozos today messed up the whole thing so now the TV isn't working again. I won't get into the rest of the craziness that will probably cause us to loses TV privileges that some idiots did as well. When they come to fix it all and see how screwed up it is ...well, we're going to be punished.
The crew we had working is another story altogether... I was waiting on recreation all day long and the only reason I made it is because the guy out in the day room was going to go in early after he exercises. While I was out two DC comic book movies were on: Suicide Squad and Justice League and they were awful! Bad CGI, bad acting. DC has nothing on Marvel. All of commercials were pure food porn. It was torture! Burger King, Pizza, Chicken... tacos... Commercials for super bowl food and snacks. I was jump roping, practically drooling!
At least the weekend was better though and the movie channel was on and this side of the pod enjoyed it. I can't really see the TV from my cell unless D section door is open so as I said, I watched a few movies. Secario 1 and 2 were great.. I did strain to see WaterBoy and gave it my best, but after that I was out of it.
The rumor mill is back at it saying the phone app will be on by the end of the week and now our hours are from 2pm to 8 pm....I don't know and really don't care anymore. I just want off of death row. I was on the verge of a full blown meltdown yesterday and I hate having that poison and anger in my system. I shouldn't have to pray for serenity...I just want peace.
It's later now and I did make it to rec. They started right before noon and I went outside for three hours. I still won't get a shower, though. Ugh. Well, tomorrow is CCA day so I'm going to keep positive and hopeful.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
February 10th, 2023
Another day of uncertainty. As I write this, it is Friday morning at 7:55 am and the pod lights are off. It doesn't bode well for recreation today which kind of stinks because my section goes outside and I love outside days. Any chance for fresh air is a blessing.
So, the execution of my friend, John Balentine, was depressing. I really believed he'd get a stay and I had thought, as we all did back here, that the execution was off. The news wasn't mentioning anything planned and then around 11am on Wednesday everything was shut down and I asked a guard what was going on and she said Balentine's execution. Talk about a punch in the gut. John was one of those guys that even the officers liked. He was always smiling and joking and had this child like spirit about him!. He was a big kid and I mean that in the best of ways. What angered me most about his execution is the revelation of how racially motivated and charged his case was...it doesn't excuse his crime, but how do we allow a system to justify killing him simply because of race? When his trial attorneys pass notes to each other saying it is a justifiable lynching or the Jury foreman says their gonna kill that n---- or else he'll do it himself. He had one of those cases that activists love to rally behind and there wasn't a peep. That really angered me. Justice, no matter how you paint it, should mean fairness. I don't care if you hate the person and want them to rot in hell for eternity. You should still want a system that is free of racism, of revenge, that is a level playing field for both the state and the defense. That is truly constitutional.
I'm always amazed how so called originalists are so gung ho about the constitution but when it best suits their agenda or means, they're willing to stretch, bend or break it. The same can be said about their religious 'beliefs'.
The rest of the week, thus far has been chaotic.
It's later now and they have officially fixed all of the TVs on the pod and everyone on this side is excited for movies and the Superbowl. It should be a fun weekend. We had no rec. or showers today which sucked. If they do have it tomorrow I'll be first out. We shall see.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
February 12th, 2023
It's super bowl Sunday and hard to believe that for me and others it will be the first super bowl – and football game, for that matter – in 23 plus years. Crazy!
The weekend has been good. We watched movies all day long and by the end of a whole day literally on my feet and at the door, except taking out some timefor a date with my Taffy, I laid down and slept a solid 8 hours! We watched so many movies! Aliens was a blast and there was a movie called Deadlocked which had Bruce Willis as a villain getting revenge for the death of his son, and it was super graphic violent. Plot wise and cinematically it was a good movie but just too violent. I can handle the over the top cartoonish stuff like in horror movies but when it is portrayed to BE real it messes my head up.
They closed the night off with Insidious part 1 and 2, but I went to sleep in part two. These guys have decided to watch movies today until around 5 pm And then put on the Superbowl. My section, in an attempt for fairness wants to do a raffle tomorrow for TV days for each cell. So, the idea is we'll write down the cells and then put them in a bag, drawing14 cells for 14 days. I'm in 57 cell. So, if my number comes up on a Tuesday, when Tuesday comes I run the TV. The only exception is on big event days like sport championships etc and everyone would agree to put the TV on. It's a novel idea and we'll see how it turns out. I do foresee problems and hurt feelings on certain days. especially on weekends.
Well, today we watched Avarice, which was good. Cosmic Dawn which was a weird throw back to '80s style movie making but made no sense whatsoever. Though, the sound track was awesome. Crimson Peak, a scary movie beautifully shot, was decent but one I'd like to closer examine on a deeper view. Then before football was a weird but excellent art house indie horror called Bones And All. It was so good! Its now later, loud with football on... I'm tired from being on my feet all day.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace
February 15th, 2023
I'll begin this with an alert for anyone that uses Securus for emessages or the phone app. It was announced on the prison radio station, The Tank, that there are people running a scam by acting as a representative from Securus saying that an inmate's account has been suspended and to reactivate it for calls and messaging you need to pay a fee over the phone or email. THIS IS SCAM!!! No one from Securus will ever contact you and ask for money so please be careful!!!
So, today we were told that recreation is no longer every day but every other day...well, that didn't last long. I woke up early to get ready and then was told there was no rec. So, I exercised in my cell. Thankfully, they did showers. They kept the TVs on but you know, other than weekends or a really good movie during the week, there is no day time content that catches my attention. My section as a whole seems to be hooked on the show Supernatural though. It seems like they watch 8 hours of that every day. I'm looking forward to this holiday weekend and plenty of movies.
Nothing else has been going on. Been a pretty boring day.
Courage Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
February 20th, 2023
As I write this it is early Monday morning and not a creature is stirring, not even cockroaches. It's Presidents Day and today is my TV day from the drawing we did for days on our section. Sadly, though, I think after this cycle ends it will go to majority vote wins because the dude Friday started a fight with everyone. I stayed out of it because I'm a sojourner, a vagabond moving from section to section. Anyways, today is my day and while I wouldn't mind watching the movie channel all day long, I put it to a few people if they were cool with a Star Wars marathon to be diplomatic about it and surprisingly they wanted a Star Wars marathon and that is where it is going! On top of that, field minister Troop should be here with the big flat screens for a movie as well, or that is what he said on Friday when I last talked to him.
It was a good movie channel weekend, though. Black Panther was good, but the best movie of the weekend was a movie called High Heat. I almost bailed on it because the beginning was all about a female chef on her opening restaurant night. But...it turns out this was no ordinary chef! It turned into a really clever, snappy quick witted Quinton Tarantino type movie. It was great. I love snappy dialogue.
I also reflected on how there have been so many deaths in the past month, with Hank Skinner being the latest after he passed away from complications of a brain tumor. Then, Troop told me Friday that two guys back here received word from their attorneys they will soon receive dates for an execution. All of these things remind us of the reality of this place. Texas is in the business of killing and to them, business is a booming. As I wrote that the officer just turned the tv on. She was surprised when I asked for TNT and not the movie channel as all of the other sections had and I said, " Its all about Star Wars today!" They cut our recreation days back to just three days a week with two days being inside and one day outside. I guess they feel that TVs remedy that but you have to then consider what do those who can't see the TVs do? More importantly, we have an ageing death row with many man that have poor eye sight or conditions that don't allow them to stand very long. 23 years of being in solitary confinement and limited movement/ exercise and the body deteriorates. Are they expected to stand at their door all day? I'm in fairly decent shape for a 45 year old. I force myself to stay active, but it takes a lot of will power to not get into a state of inactivity. Still, standing at the door all day, straining to see through chicken wire is no easy feat. What is the remedy for those who can't watch tv but would love to?
Well, it is after noon now and the Star Wars marathon has begun. Nine hours of pure unadulterated geekery.
Courage Strength Hope and Faith.
Peace.
February 22nd, 2023
As I write this it's early Wednesday morning. I'm doing okay, just figuring out my day. They've gone back to limited recreation so today is one of those days I'm stuck in the cell and just have to get through it. It is also the day the CCA releases rulings and so I have the anxiety of that as I listen to the news or check the legal app. What's cool about that is you can see rulings almost immediately after they are posted. I can put in my name specifically or the date and there it is. So, we'll see what happens through out the day.
I'm livid because I just heard some Texas republican introduced a bill here to remove polling stations from universities and schools during elections. Do these people have any shame? Also Ken Paxton wants Texas tax payers to foot his personal legal bills. Really, the irony is these people lambaste criminals when they are criminals themselves.
Yesterday was a mad house of a day. Complete chaos. I ended up going outside when a space opened with a mentally impaired guy who doesn't speak English very well and no one else wanted to be outside with. It turned out to be a blessing because I learned that in the two months he has had his tablet he has never been able to use it. Apparently his login number doesn't work and so I told him I'd get him some help to use it. He told me his lawyer put money on his debit and he has the 25 dollars we all received when we first received our tablet and he has never even read any of his messages! The poor guy probably has a ton of them. I wrote the chaplaincy last night to see if I could get a Spanish speaking field minister to come down and get him some help. Sometimes we end up in places we don't expect for the right reasons.
On Monday I spent the whole day watching the newer Star Wars trilogy. It was a long day but well worth it! We had the movie channel on over the weekend and I was able to see the Black Panther and Black Widow which were both really good! But the best movie that took me by surprise was one called High Heat! It starts off about this woman chef opening her own restaurant. Her husband is in debt with some crime boss and so they come to burn down the place which was a bad mistake because it turns out she's an ex KGB spy who defected and is total badass. The movie was really funny and smart, too. In just two weeks I've seen so many movies it's not even funny. I just realised I probably wrote that in a weekend journal, but hey, it is worth repeating.
I think spring is here early. It has been in the 80's and lovely. They even turned the air on. I have a feeling it is going to be a scorcher of a summer. We still don't have the phone app and no one knows what's up with that. But Field minister Troop just showed up to show a movie on the big screens and said we should have the podcast app soon. We shall see. The movie he is showing is called Gray Man.
Just watched the movie. It was so so. I don't really recommend it. He had some other movies which would have been far better to watch. Still, seeing movies on a big screen is better than straining to see a movie at a far distance in the day room! My section decided to come together and try the raffle for tv days again with some clear cut rules. It almost fell apart last week but for now we put out some parameters in place so people won't get angry. Or have hurt feelings. If I don't get moved I pulled the weekend which that's twice now I got movie days at the weekend! Somebody get me a lotto ticket, I'm hot! When I was a kid I always won raffles. I think the gift is back! I've won transformers toys, a scooter, a tool kit, amongst other things. And now two weeks in a row I pull movie days!
Courage Strength Hope and Faith
Peace
February 27th, 2023
It's Monday and I'm doing my best to keep busy, positive and focused. It isn't the tv that is a distraction. I don't stand at my door and watch tv unless there is a movie I want to see. Other than that, I have no interest. I am going to watch Thor: Ragnorok in a little while because I've never seen it, but I've not watched anything else today. Saturday they did recreation and when I was in the day room I watched an old 70' s movie called Savannah Smiles. It was sooo corny but I still watched it. When I came back in I caught up on some things, did some chores and then went to a visit with a friend that evening. It was super crowded and I'm not a fan of crowds, but I'll take getting out of my cell any time.
It was good to see my friend and I was able to see some of my friends I never see anymore from A pod. They told me they were all rooting for me and hoping I was off of death row soon. That meant a lot to me. A crazy thing, though, is they put plexi-glass over the mess of the booths that the inmates sit in making it really hot. I asked why they did that and the guard said because of the law suit siting lack of privacy during legal visits. I said, 'That's dumb...there's no privacy on the attorney side! It's completely open so other people can still eaves drop or hear conversations.' That is TDCJ for you!
On Sunday I pretty much stood at the door and watched movies all day long. We watched Twister, Avengers End Game, Ready Player One, and Mortal Kombat, I tapped out on that one because I was tired and some dude was being really disrespectful blasting his homemade speaker over the movie. There's no recreation today but at least I've been to the shower.
In two more weeks it'll be 90 days since my Judge's recommendation for a new trial went before the CCA. It typically takes about 90 days but it can take longer. Going forward, every week is going to be nerve wrecking! But I have hope and a lot of cautious optimism. I could definitely use prayers though. It is now the afternoon and I'm waiting for the officer to turn our television on. I'd really like to see the movie Thor: Ragnorok so I hope it will be on by then. Actually, I hope to get off of this section soon. It has the worst energy of the entire pod. There's just a heavy blanket of negativity that hangs over it. I've taken to yelling out "Someone get me outta here!" at random times for comedic effect.
They finally turned the tv on. I had dozed off listening to some chill music on The Tank and was out. Next thing I knew, the tv blasting away woke me back up. At least they got it on. And the day is pretty much over!
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
March 5th, 2023
(Dear reader, forgive the scattered brain nature of this. I've been writing it in between movies through out the day!) It is a bright blue and clear Sunday morning. As I write this, we are waiting for the guard to turn on the tv for movies today.
I'm doing okay. I went outside on Thursday and played 35 games of basket ball...recovery time body wise for a 45 year old isn't like it used to be but I can still give these youngsters a run for their money! Even if I twisted my ankle. Nothing serious, just rolled on it when I was pivoting to shoot a basket.
We have seemingly been screwed over again...Now, I preface this by saying it is coming from a dude who went to visit Thursday and their visitor read an FB page and apparently as of now, and the reason they removed the phone app on that same day, is that Death Row was not supposed to receive the phone app. Only Ad Seg. Our plan has yet to be finalised which is ridiculous. To add insult to injury, it is a spit in our face because the majority of men in Ad Seg are there for behaviour or dangerous gang activity and yet they are deemed suitable for phone calls and not death row? You have men with capital life sentences in Ad Seg. It makes no sense! So...for now our phone app is cancelled. They keep us on this yo yo telling us one thing today and another thing the next and it really is messed up. How hard is it to just give us a definitive yes or no and leave it be?
My ankle is still a bit tender but thank goodness it wasn't anything too bad. When I stand on it and move around it loosens up so I am good as our section does movies this weekend. I was okay when I watched the Thriller Thursday night called Becket about this couple that vacations in Greece and get into a car crash. The girlfriend dies and the corrupt Greek police believes Becket had seen something he shouldn't have and the rest of the movie they try to kill him. It was decent. I have been standing like a flamingo to keep the pressure off of my bad ankle. Thank goodness I had the movie list and made copies so everyone knows what is coming on this weekend!
I had a visit on Saturday night and it was picture night so I'm hoping that the picture came out good. I got the thumbs up from the guard that took it so we shall see! It's been forever since I've had a picture, other than a Dallas mug shot and being in court! Haha. Before visit I made it outside by myself yesterday afternoon and it was perfection. It was nice to be alone with my thoughts and enjoy the day. After that I went to the visitation building and it was packed. They raised the prices on the food out there which is ridiculous now and really unfair to lower income families who have to travel and pay gas etc. But the pictures are free now and they send them to an email address the visitor provides. They do everything so strange and complicated these days, though.
It's a new week and hopefully it brings good news! I keep praying and preparing myself for a return to Dallas. We are now at the 90 day mark so anything could happen moving forward. Although I'm prepared for the long haul. I think.
The movies have been decent today. Our section has enjoyed it. Here's looking forward to a good week!
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
March 6th, 2023
I'm writing this in between commercial breaks as my section watches the movie Gemini Man with Will Smith. It's funny because the action packed movies get absolute silence in this place. So, today has been one of those weird days in which it was frustrating and incredibly boring, but also moved by incredibly fast. I intended to get up at 6am and overslept until almost seven, got the day moving with exercises and a bird bath, because I thought they weren't going to do showers, but they did do them and so I went even though I had a bird bath. I then got caught up on writing and next thing I knew most of the day was gone and because I worked hard enough, I was ahead of things and here I am in between watching a movie.
Yesterday was a good movie day, the best movies being a romantic movie called Valentines Day and another crime drama called Dig as well as a historical movie called Harriet which brought me to tears. Tomorrow I'm hoping they have recreation so I can have a good cardio work out and then later that morning I hope to have a visit. Of course, it'll be a sad week with two scheduled executions this week. Texas is in full tilt murdering people. Hey, citizens, don't kill...it's bad and against the bible...if you do, we'll kill you. Hell, we'll kill you even if you didn't kill anyone...Completely rational folks, here...Remember the Alamo! This place is insane. Still have to get through the rest of the week.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace
March 9th, 2023
As I write this it's early Thursday morning and I'm killing time as I'm scheduled for 4th round of recreation outside, and with this crew and the scheduled execution, it is uncertain that I'll make it. I'll just say that I do believe Arthur Brown is innocent, and even one of my attorneys who worked on his appeals believed that and felt horrible he couldn't do more. It is really sad to think about.
I watched two movies Wednesday in the day time but it didn't put me too far behind in anything. We watched Captain Marvel which was better than I expected, as well as Star Wars Rogue One which I had seen last summer in Dallas. After that I finished up for the day and chilled in the evening. The guys around me watched The Masked Singer. I took a glimpse at it and that show is bonkers! People singing with huge costumes! Then, and this had me laughing so hard, they watched Farmer Wants A Wife! All of these pretty city women vying for the affection of a dude in a cowboy hat and boots! Geeze, the stuff on tv these days. I swear, if I had a time machine I'd go back to where it all started and prevent MTV's The Real World from ever happening! Imagine a world where the most superficial shows on earth never existed! There'd be no Kardashian's or Octomom.. Pure world harmony!
Well, I was bumped up and went outside on 2nd round. We played 40 games of basketball and my ankle felt good. I started out a bit slow and careful but as I played had more confidence, and my foot was okay. By the end of the time we tied up 20-20. It was fun.
Spring is definitely here! Today is 85 degrees for a high! That is May like temperatures... I think it is going to be one hot summer here. I hope to be in Dallas by then because they keep the air blasting. It does get hot outside in the gym though. I don't mind that for an hour or two but here the air is always wonky.
It's later now...they killed Arthur. You know, they said in 30 years he showed no remorse, but for those 30 years he really was innocent, and why would he be expected to show remorse for something he didn't do? Personally knowing him for 20 years, I know he felt bad for all involved but he has always said he wasn't there.
I'll finish this tomorrow.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith
Peace
March 10th, 2023
Friday...It's grey and humid today. We're not having recreation even though there are 4 officers working today on the pod. I stayed up last night until 10pm to watch the movie The Happening. It started off strong but fell apart after the second act, got a bit ridiculous, and the movie didn't really get anywhere. The twist was revealed too early in the movie. It would've worked better to have people guessing what was causing humans to kill themselves...the other thing is once the government or people knew it was nature and plants striking back by releasing toxins in the air, why weren't people wearing gas masks or oxygen tanks? Dumb...
We'll see if we do movies tonight or not. I know we will all day Saturday and Sunday. I've got to spend the day busy so I don't fall behind. I have Voyager class at three and I'm sure there will be book work and homework.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith
Peace.
March 11th, 2023
It's Saturday, close to noon, and after a raucous morning of chaos and noise, the place has gone quiet to watch a Clint Eastwood western called A Fist Full Of Dollars. I'm not big on older western movies, but I'm glad that people can enjoy it. I'm grateful for the silence as well!
The death row warden came around today and it was a surprise to see him on a Saturday. He was asked when we would get the phone app and he said it could be a month or longer. He also said that Death Row would only be allowed to call those people on our visitation list. Someone asked if we would get other apps and he said no. Then someone pointed out that it made no sense that we could sit around and watch tv all day long but could not purchase our own content via the media app and he agreed but said the decisions come from higher up. That is really all we learned in terms of what is going on.
As I write this I'm waiting for recreation but as the day carries on I feel less inclined to go. I'm cooking right now and there are some movies I'd like to catch and I have a movie date with my Taffy and don't want to miss that. If I can go next round, I might go, but after? As much as I dislike being trapped in the cell, I'm just not feeling it today.
It's later now...I didn't go to rec. instead opting for the shower. Well, I was stuck in there for an hour because the guards decided to 'take a break' because their feet were tired. The only job on the planet that doesn't fire you for not doing your job... I'm worn out now and after having watched Wonder Woman, a great movie I should add. I'm just waiting for a horror movie and then I'm calling it a night. Tomorrow is my tv day and there is a so so line up of some movies I've seen and haven't seen so it should be a decent day. I have to get up early to make sure the station gets put on and then after that it is cruise control.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
March 14th, 2023
It's the afternoon and my section is watching Detective Pickachu as we wait for Troop to show us the movie Shazam on the big screens. I went to rec first thing in the morning and I am energised and have done some exercises throughout the day. But now I am giving my body a little rest because I've been pushing it really hard with exercises. Even when my ankle was sore, I still did a lot of upper body etc. I even had a weird dream that I fit back into a pair of jeans from my teenage years! Haha. I just would like to be in tip top shape with a return to Dallas.
I have had some really strange dreams since being able to watch movies. Yesterday I had a nice legal visit but I learned I've been defrauded and someone stole from me. Not a good feeling and it made me understand more the hurt I had caused from my own actions in the past. I told my investigator I guess in a way it was Karma and maybe it was deserved.
Over the weekend, the Sunday movie line up wasn't that good, and being so tired throughout the day made standing at the door unbearable but I did watch two good movies one with Peter Dinklage called Rememory. That guy is an amazing actor. I've seen him in smaller roles but in this movie he carried it, and wow! There was a real depth of emotion. Another was a Holocaust movie called The Survivor. He was in Auschwitz concentration camp and forced to box other Jews to the death to entertain Nazis. If he lost, he'd be killed and so he was essentially forced to kill his fellow prisoners. He survives and becomes a boxer in the U.S. and is searching for his long lost love from before the war...and he goes through PTSD and survivors guilt. In the end he finds her as she is dying of cancer and he can finally make peace and let go. I was crying like a baby! It ends on a beach with his American wife and he tells a classic Jewish joke about a mother and her son playing on the beach. A huge wave comes and sweeps her son back into the ocean and she cries out to G-d, Why? Why did you take my only son from me!? Another wave comes crashing in and spits her son back out to her and she hugs him tightly, looks to the heavens and says, “He had a hat!” The joke being that for Jews we are always praying to be saved and when we are, we find a reason to complain about it. In that final scene you realise the survivor has let go of his guilt and is grateful for being alive. It made me think and be grateful for the moments I've had and the chance of a second life should I also survive. Here I am complaining about not having a media app or other things, but I am alive! The most important thing of all! What do I choose to do with that life? Well...I want to be good and to be in service to others. I also hope for forgiveness and to show in actions, not words. I would hope for redemption.
So, I can't believe we're already close to half way through the month. Time is flying by! There's an obvious eagerness and anxiousness as we wait on the ruling, though. But we are so close to being there! Even if it takes another three months. We are almost there and I feel it. I was reading some rulings on nexis lexis and it gave me some comfort that in almost every ruling that the state concedes, the CCA grants the new trial. As well as the cases of proving actual bias, ACTUAL being the key phrase. We shall see what tomorrow brings, but as my investigator told me, he believes we are in a good place and the possibility of a new trial is a very real thing.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
March 20th, 2023
It's a lovely spring day this Monday of a new week. I've been spending the day keeping busy until we can hopefully watch the movie Greenland and some Star Wars. It is 62 cell's day with the tv, as our section has a drawing of cells for each day of the week that way it gives everyone a chance to watch what they want to watch. We are the only section that has this kind of system and there were some bumps early on, but a month in and we've worked out the kinks. We have one guy who lives here that just can't get along with anyone and unplugs the tv when he is at rec. but outside of him, things are working.
Well, my day is Wednesday and at first I was a bit exhausted from watching movies all weekend long. I spent over a total of 24 hours on my feet watching movies we've never seen before. Then I found out Greenland was on today so I'm trying to wheel and deal to exchange my day for movies today. I think the guy will do it. I was thrilled and so happy my good friend Big Foot received a stay last week. There's a tonne of evidence against him, but that execution would have hit me hard, had it gone through. Any execution sucks, but I have only ever cried over few people and I know I would have been a wreck that day.
So, yeah, I went into the weekend with some high spirits. The weekend movies were really good. We watched parts one, two and three of the Jason Bourne movies, an excellent drama called Blue Bayou which I highly recommend, a Denzel Washington marathon and the sci fi epic Elysium. I also did a movie date with my Taffy and the movie Shazam. All worth the tired body in the end!
Well, as of now, I've talked the guy into the movie Greenland, but he's not a big fan of Star Wars and isn't feeling a three movie marathon but he hasn't said no. My feelings won't be hurt if he does. It comes on all of the time. I'm good with Greenland. I was just listening to fox news and they are sooo upset that the Manhattan DA might charge Donald Trump...they are such hypocrites because they get all up in arms if the DA doesn't go after someone who steals a candy bar and throw them in jail, but they don't want 'their guy' to be prosecuted when the clown is a career criminal? It is a witch hunt when he has skirted accountability for decades just because he has money? These people are insane.
The morning started bright and clear but now it's grey...looks like it might rain. That has pretty much been all that is going on around here.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
March 24th, 2023
It's one of those ho hum days that can't seem to get started. I am still trying to figure out what I'm going to do and I'm starting this after lunch. It is my neighbor's tv day and he has it on some talk show, but I'm not watching it. I don't know if they plan on watching movies today or not because my neighbor isn't a big fan so it does give me time to take care of some things for the weekend in case there are good movies.
We watched all three of the The John Wick movies and they were a lot of fun yesterday but last night's movie, some thing called 'The Visitor' wasn't good at all. I bailed on that about ten minutes in. Someone said commissary is raising the price of coffee to $4.50! That's crazy. A two dollar increase! It better be Starbucks at that price because the stuff they sell to us is generic dollar store junk and I don't see inflation jumping it up that high. It feels like price gouging! I just looked at the commissary list on the tablet and it has gone up! Some guys here can't afford that! I mean, you typically need two bags to get from one store to the next, then guys like to buy a pint of ice cream to treat themselves which is 3.25 and then necessities like hygiene and writing supplies...if your family sends you a little each month, that's wiped out on those items alone. It feels like gouging... On top of that, a lot of the items are made by inmates....clothing, food, hygiene...I mean, 60¢ for a card made out of free labor? The material itself is probably less than 20¢ per card.
We just had fried fish for lunch and as I write this the clean up crew has come through. It feels like a strange day and I am a little bit restless. Well, it's later now and my neighbor pretty much handed his tv day over to me and initially I was going to put it on X men for the guys to watch but it turned out to be King Kong...so, they are watching that until the movie channel comes on. I think we'll get it changed when it's close to six.
Field minister Troop just dropped by and we talked for a bit. He had been sent to another unit for training and he said it was an interesting time. He dropped off a movie list and everyone is excited because Avatar 2 is coming on. And that's the day pretty much...more this weekend!
Courage. Strength Hope and Faith.
Peace.
March 25th, 2023
I'm starting this early Saturday morning. They are running recreation and it's a little crazy, but hopefully when the movies start things will taper down a little. I don't know for certain we will be doing movies on our section because the guy who has today likes sports and college basketball, but I'm hoping he will want to at least watch Avatar 2 as it's in the line up.
Well, as I wrote that, that question was answered. It's on the movie channel now and the third season of a series called The Chosen, about the life of Jesus. As someone who is Jewish and spent several years in a Baptist boarding school during my teens, I find this to be a really interesting series because it is the exact opposite of what was taught at my school and what a lot of fundamentalists preach about Jesus and the bible. There is no fire and brimstone, no "muscular Christianity" no anti this or anti that message. It gets straight to the heart of what many believe Jesus taught which is compassion and forgiveness for all...that redemption is deserved for all who seek it. A pretty universal message for any faith. It is well produced and the acting is good. It's good television, as the critics would say. What I find most interesting about it all is how so many people in this country would embrace these teachings on the surface and pay it lip service and say that is how we should live, but our society (U.S. Citizens) does the opposite. We don't easily forgive, we are rooted in vengeance, and we don't often give room for a person to be redeemed. Having a death penalty lays truth to that alone. If I say I'm sorry to a person I have hurt and have done my best to show in actions, not in just words, it is rejected and I'm told I'm trying to play the system or looking for an angle. If I say I'm not a danger to anyone, I'm told I'm just waiting for the right opportunity. Nothing I say or do is accepted and yet...most of the U.S. would say they believe in Jesus' teachings. And he taught to forgive! Why, then is it so hard? I'll never be able to wrap my head around it. I don't mean that as a dig towards Christianity....it just makes me wonder why in the U.S. people say they believe one way and act the opposite. That being said, I've met some wonderful Christians that do follow Jesus' actual teachings as portrayed in the chosen series. I think the world would be a better place if it mirrored that particular portrayal.
I say all of this also in light of news that when I spoke to the field minister, Troop, he said that several directors of TDCJ recently admitted in front of inmates and guards that their years working as prison officials have shown them that they've been doing things all wrong when it comes to criminal justice and they now see that there should be a pathway for inmates to be redeemed and earn their way back into society. It took them decades to come to that conclusion. Hopefully as more eyes are open and more people are accepting, many of us can finally atone for the things we've done.
So...it's later now and we watched Avatar 2 ...It was way too long. It wasn't a horrible movie but the plot wasn't tight and had it been an hour shorter it could have probably been a much better movie, but if I blessed to live long enough, I'm with them until the series finishes. I think there are three more movies planned. I'll see what comes on this evening and might watch another couple of movies. Assuming it stays on the channel.
Courage. Strength. Hope And Faith.
Peace.
March 27th, 2023
The last week of the month....March really rocketed by didn't it? I'm doing okay, just getting my morning started. When I returned from the shower and turned on my tablet there was a notice saying death row inmates will have the phone app beginning tomorrow. Our times are from 2pm to 8pm. You don't have to register with Securus...you have to register your phone number with texasprisonphone.com and that should be it. Then, once the number is approved, the inmate will have a notice on their app with your approved number and we'll be able to call you. The thing that sucks is that no overseas calls or services like Skype will be allowed. Even if you are on an inmate's visitation list. Hopefully in the future that will change.
It was a decent weekend. We watched a bunch of movies. Avatar 2 was a bit long and not as good as the first one, but it wasn't bad. There was a really good remake of Fire Starter, but the best movie of the weekend was Papillon about a French man framed for murder and sent to France's worst prison. He escapes several times and is sent to Devils Island and is one of the only inmates to have made it off alive from there. It starred Ramy Malik and Charlie Hunham. There were some other decent movies sprinkled in as well.
I am still feeling restless.I just keep hoping each week is my last week as a death row prisoner. Even if it takes a couple weeks or months to get back to Dallas, at least I can finally be able to breathe and have that title off of my back. I'll face whatever comes after that as it comes.
I was just thinking that if the phone app really does come on tomorrow maybe it will cut down on the recreations they have. It'll be interesting to see what kind of effect it will have on people coming out of their cells. As of now there is very little excitement because everyone is tired of having hopes only to be disappointed again and again. For me the real disappointment is being excluded from the media app for no good reason. I just want some good music. Why not allow us to buy content and give a percentage of it to a victims' fund? It makes no sense to not utilise that kind of revenue that could help a lot of people. It would allow us to give back as well. I just can't wrap my head around it. We can't have entertainment on a tablet but we can watch free tv all day long? Well,not really free...the bill for that comes out of profits for commissary. Still, it is that good ol' backwards Texas logic that still dumbfounds me after all of these years.
Courage. Strength Hope and faith.
Peace.
April 3rd, 2023
It's 8 :19am as I write this. I was up for my work out and a shower but the lights are out and the guard came through and said they were short handed. So, as of now there isn't showers so I will probably have to bird bath. I had hoped today I would have a lot to do..I even skipped the last movie yesterday to get to bed so I wouldn't be dragging my butt today. Oh well...We watched Oblivion, a kids' fantasy called Guardians Of Time, Oblivion and a horror movie called NIX which I recommend. It hit all of the right horror notes. A little weird and confusing at times, but genuinely creepy!
Well, I don't think there will be a show down with the tv today...My neighbor really wants to watch the final of the college basketball tournament today. It's someone else's tv day, though and while I don't know specifically what the guy wants to watch, it won't be movies. It'll be some kind of sport. We shall see. I was telling myself to not get attached to movies all of the time, last night. I enjoy them, but it doesn't do me any good to just want movie movie movie. So I do need to limit myself. That's one reason I forced myself to go to bed or else I would have been up at that door after my normal bed time!
It seems they finally have the phone app sorted, but we are only allowed to call those on our approved visitation list. And sadly, as of now, no over seas calls. I do hope they approve it one day. In Dallas it wasn't an issue and it's possible because it was the same securus network. It is one of those things here that TDCJ stipulates. I mean, if it can be verified and approved what should it matter? We can't just call random numbers anyways because the system requires the person to accept the call in the first place...It's a safe system.
Well, there might not be any tv today or at least right now. The guard said someone stole the batteries out of the remote control. How crazy is that? It had to be another officer who probably hates that death row can watch tv now... I wanted to recommend the legal app, Lexis Nexis, to people who can afford a subscription. It's worth having if you like to look into cases or appeals to get not just facts, but up to the hour legal updates on appeals etc. It is relatively easy to navigate by just putting the person's name into their internal search engine and there you go. I think it's a handy guide in discerning fact from fiction or just to see how sometimes the courts can get it wrong. And they do quite a bit. I use it regularly and have learned a lot about the law in general from its use. I'm glad it's available on the tablet.
I was listening to fox news earlier and on one of the morning shows the panel was going on and on about how Trump is innocent until proven guilty and an indictment isn't a convention and politics has no place in the judicial system. I agree with everything they said, but what made me call BS in their words was they convict people - especially poor minorities - in the court of public opinion all of the time. They do it every week. But if you are Trump it is a witch hunt. How quickly do people forget that Trump called for the EXECUTIONS of five young black teens who were later proven through DNA to be innocent. So, forgive me fox news if I think you are all full of #@#.
It's later now and the tv was never turned on. No showers, no anything. This is one of those days were it should highlight why we not only should have more content on the tablet but it is crucial for good mental health.
That's been it for the day.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith
Peace.
April 4th, 2023
It's 1:19pm on a grey and muggy Tuesday afternoon. We were supposed to have recreation today, but it was cancelled due to staff shortages. We are also at two days without showers for the same reasons. Here is how bad it is right now. Field Minister Troop came by to record an intro from me for the up coming Alternative Airwaves show I put together for the Tank on Friday night. I asked him how Field Minister Solley was doing and he said that they had Solley on psychiatric observation, doing a guards job watching over an inmate on 11 building to make sure he doesn't hurt himself. Solley is just an inmate. He may be well versed in the bible, but he isn't trained to deal with inmates having mental breakdowns. Crazy.
Last night I watched a really powerful video from a young woman who forgave her father's killer. I was sobbing like a baby and it really affected me and spoke to the power of forgiveness. Her name is Shelby Houston and the video was called "Forgiving her fathers killer,Shelby's story" I was floored by it!
So, I mentioned earlier I was doing a show on Friday night with the prison radio station. It is the second time I've been invited to curate a five hour program with music and I recorded a positive message about changing prison and starting with change within ourselves. I'll be up all night Friday night but it is well worth it for sure.
That is pretty much the day today. My section is about to watch Creed and some movie called Hancock. I wouldn't mind seeing that. I might check it out.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith
Peace
April 16th, 2023
It's a lazy, boring Sunday afternoon with some movie called Aquamarine on. I'm not even watching it but waiting for the next one to come on. Its been a bad movie weekend and honestly, my mind is too distracted to get into anything. I've been thinking about how bad I want to be finished with this place and at least back in Dallas. A friend of mine from back here was able to return this past week for some hearings next week and it just sent me into over drive with wanting to be done with Death Row. I know I go on and on about hoping the courts do the right thing and I do...and I'll face whatever happens after that as it happens, but I'm anxious and restless and this place isn't getting any better. We can't get regular rec. or even showers. Everything is jacked up and never consistent. At least I know things in Dallas don't change no matter what happens short of a pandemic. I'll get a shower every day. I'll get at least three days of rec. Is it paradise? Far from it. But I'll take consistency and being treated more humanely than this hell hole of chaos and uncertainty.
Anyways, not to sound dour...I got a bit irritated earlier because a new promo was on our tablet telling people who use the tablet that they are now offering modern books and comics on the media app. Something we on death row can't even access. Isn't that crazy? We aren't even allowed to access newer books or a news app because of having a death sentence...Crazy.
On Friday I completed my Voyager Two class after six months of work and lessons. I hope to have my second certificate soon to add to my list of accomplishments since being here. No one can say I wasted time over the past twenty years. And I had nothing to gain other than self improvement. It's hard to say I had some ulterior motive with a death sentence hanging over my head. I take those accomplishments to the great beyond...But seriously, I am happy and proud of myself and I plan on adding to them because I do have a ton of goals if I survive this mess and I'm always looking to learn and grow.
So, yesterday Troop and a church of volunteers delivered some cookies to us. That was a nice treat and I was thankful for that. There are rumors that we will be on lock down Monday or sometime this week.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
April 19th, 2023
Today is CCA rulings day and while it could still be weeks or months away, each Wednesday I'm pretty anxious. I did a little calculating and research on the average time it takes to release a ruling and it comes to about 5-7 months. My friend, Clinton's was 5 and another guy was 7 months. I'm a little past 4 months now and a few weeks ago my attorneys filed something else so who knows? The wait is crazy, but as long as it leads to me finally off of DR, I'll be okay.
A guy I know back here went back to Dallas for a hearing on a possible execution date. He has been gone a week now and sent word to me on some information on if anything changed or not. He had his tablet in a day which was good to hear but he had to get some ear buds from someone else as commissary was out of them. He said he is enjoying the movies and music, though. Something we don't get here. At least he has a break from this place! I look forward to those days again...really just to have access to good music again. I depend on the prison radio station but I'd love to have my own music like last year. So much more I want to explore! I've seen so many movies of late that the excitement I had last year isn't as strong... Troop just brought us a movie on the big flat screens. Speaking of,we watched some really good ones of late. The Christmas movie Violent Night was sooo funny and crazy. I also enjoyed this cool vampire movie called Priest. This weekend they are supposed to play the new movie Cocaine Bear. That should be a wild one!
I'm having to do a lot of my exercising in my cell these days because of a lack of recreation. I usually do push ups, leg exercise like lunges, squats etc. I will do some Pilate's and core and I have a weight bag filled with water bottles for arm exercises. I just mix it up. I generally do 30 minutes of exercises in the morning and then do things through out the day. If you don't eat a bunch of junk and do 30 minutes a day you'll tone up really fast. It is pretty amazing. I tell guys who don't like to exercise that it takes about 30 days to start seeing results. I thought I would be the last person on earth giving exercise advice because I used to hate it and I've always had issues with weight fluctuation,but really, it is crucial in this environment especially for mental health.
On another note there are sometimes people in this world I live in who are a little 'off'...They are drawn like moths to a flame, and claim they know the individuals or post wild things and we deal with them the best we can. I tell guys it is best to ignore it and move forward because you can't control what a person does or posts. You just have to pray for those people and hope they get the help they need.
So, to report some decent news from here...a mentally ill guy I've really taking a liking to over the years, Syed, was just granted a hearing from the CCA and another guy had his death sentence commuted to life today. We take little victories however we can get them and the news that the state can murder one less person is always a win in my opinion. Wow...the good news keeps coming. I just saw that the Supreme Court has ruled in Rodney Reed's favor in allowing him to pursue additional DNA testing to clear his name. Even though today wasn't my day I'm glad it was for others.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
April 30th, 2023
It's an early Sunday morning and I'm sitting here listening to the Sunday morning political shows, even though I'm kind of jaded by it all. We've been on lock down for a week now and I'm restless. It began last Sunday and we did kind of have a heads up that it was coming. What we didn't expect was for things to be was a throwback to the days in which lock downs felt more like a punishment more than just searching for contraband. We've had two showers in seven days, the sack meals have averaged at about, and I think I'm being generous here, two hundred calories per meal...so a total of 600 calories PER DAY when for the average male that weighs around 165-185 should be eating 1800 calories to keep healthy. I really don't understand how they get away with it.
Now, on the shakedowns they've been moving at a fast clip, and I have to be fair here...we were dreading the worst because they had the professional shake down teams plus a bunch of new recruits and that never goes well. We were hearing complete horror stories from A pod and the other side of the pod of things being taken and excess property being confiscated. I wasn't too worried about that too much because I live modestly. I'm not a pack rat and clutter drives me nuts. I hold things of sentimental value and my electronics, and what I need to live, and that is it. I never worry about what I will lose. What makes me anxious is the total disrespect and disregard for personal property that the pro shakedown teams and jerk officers have. To come into a cell and see your pictures and cards and items strewn across your cell like a category four hurricane has come through is upsetting. So, when I left my cell, I expected that to happen. They began on Thursday but didn't finish and then returned on Friday morning taking us out of our cells and locking us in the shower for over an hour. When it was over I expected to return to my cell in complete disarray, but to my surprise and gratitude all of my stuff was neatly stacked on my bed frame. Nothing was on the floor or thrown all over the place. I am thankful to the officers that searched my cell. I tip my hat off to them. Others weren't so fortunate.
They have turned the phone app off so calls aren't allowed until the lock down is over with and the section TVs are off. They had been turning them on in the evening but that stopped on Friday for some reason. Like I said, this feels like a throw back to the old days.
I cannot believe it's the end of April! I'm entering into May with some anxiety as I am still waiting on the CCA to rule and I'm about to hit that five month mark and what begins the point in which the average amount of time it takes is between 5-7months. I was already a ball of nerves each Wednesday and now it is about to be turned up to 11! There have been some good things happening in the courts and one guy had his death sentence reversed to life almost two weeks ago so that does give me a little hope...I'm posting a new quote on the site and I think it fits perfectly. It is from C.S. Lewis and reads "You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending". That means a lot to me because my path, and if given another chance, is to earn forgiveness through action, to pursue goals and dreams and to live a life of service. I wish I could undo the many bad decisions I've made, but I can't. What I CAN do is shape and change the future and the ending of my story. I'll stumble and I'm not perfect, but I know more than ever who I choose to be. Who I want to be. So, going into a new month those thoughts are at the center of my focus.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
May 2nd, 2023
So, today I had a face to face meeting with Warden Dickerson over the religious discrimination grievance I filed. My issue was that we had access to a Christian app, but we're not allowed access to the podcasts which offers content for a myriad of different faiths.
I was a bit surprised when two Officers came to my door and said that I had to go to the Warden's Office. My first thought was, why does he want to talk to me? I've not done anything wrong! But I went and walked into the office. The warden told the guards to leave and shut the door. First, he was very respectful and he told me that he agreed with my grievance and said if it was up to him we would be allowed the podcasts...but the decision was from higher up and they said we will not receive the podcasts or any other media...However, they are trying to figure out a way through The Tank to broadcast via the tablet content for other faiths through a coordinator named Roxanne Moss.
After that we made small talk and he told me that there would be a faith based program on B pod and I thanked him for allowing The Tank and the opportunity to participate in it. It was a nice conversation, and he even wished me luck with the court. He said his focus is on rehabilitation and not punishment...which you know, I believe but there are others butting heads with him that still carry that 'punish them all' mentality. Its politics, you know? I get it. I respect him all the more for talking to me in person.
We are on week two of the lock down and I would have addressed the meagre meals we've been having but for lunch we had a hot meal and it was loaded down with meat and rice with a brown gravy, peas, white beans and yams. I ate every bit of it because we were famished. I hope this continues and there are no more sack meals...Breakfast today was two pancakes about the size of a jar lid, a smear of peanut butter and ten raisins. I hate complaining about food when so many people truly are starving in the world, but these meals of late had been paltry.
The day has been peaceful and honestly, I'm not upset at all that they've kept the TVs off. It has reduced the noise and while I'm distracted by my own thoughts, at least I don't have to contend with that. I enjoy the movies. I really do. It has been a treat and blessing, but those TVs in the day room do add a certain amount of fuel to the daily noise and chaos.
And that's been the day. I'll be on edge for the CCA rulings tomorrow, but each week is one week closer.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
May 7th, 2023
I'm worried about my Taffy as she has COVID....Proof that the virus is still very much out there and people should still be cautious.
We are still on lock down but they've allowed the Field Ministers to show us a movie which was cool. On Friday we watched The Dark Knight, one of the Batman movies which was really good. I had watched it last summer but on the small screen of a tablet. We wanted to watch Avatar 2 but Troop forgot to bring the DVD and I thought seeing Dark Knight would be great on the big screens and the section agreed. On Saturday they turned on our day room tv and I was able to watch Crazy Rich Asians, and it was sooo good! I really enjoyed it. I enjoy a good action movie but I also love dramas, romantic dramas and comedies and that had a bit of both. The cinematography was gorgeous and the all Asian cast brilliant. I told my neighbor that it was good to see movies from other cultures. I highly recommend it.
So, right now I'm livid...I found out I could look up legislative bills on my law library app, called Lexis Nexis. I'd been wanting to read the new Law Of Parties bill making its way through the Texas Legislative session and from what I understand is before the Texas Senate right now, having passed the house...It is an insult and joke. It is such a trash bill that I HOPE NO ONE WILL SUPPORT and I hope DOES NOT PASS...I know some will be offended by what I say but honestly, those whom have worked on reforming LOP law should be offended by such a bill and I will explain why. The bill in its current form does nothing for those on death row other than calling on a special review of LOP cases by the clemency board. They can then recommend to our governor whether we should have a life sentence or our death sentence remains. If you think Greg Abbott is going to grant clemency to any one sentenced to death under the LOP you are a fool. He's in the business of saving people convicted of murdering Black Lives Matter protestors, not saving poor minorities or two guys that escaped from prison. It shouldn't pass and I hope it doesn't because it will make it even harder to get a meaningful bill passed in the next legislation. because the law makers will feel like they've addressed the issue. DO NOT support House Bill 1736!!! And that is my opinion...but coming from someone that was sentenced under the law of parties...I think it is a joke. I'm truly sorry if that offends anyone.
It's now evening and I'm kicked back listening to the prison radio station and winding down for the day. I'm praying for a good week and maybe good news.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
May 15th, 2023
Monday afternoon and a boring one at that. Well, there was a bit of excitement earlier this morning during showers when a guard and inmate were going at it verbally. It was a bit ridiculous because it all started when the guard was talking to someone else, so the guy's neighbor jumped in the conversation and she said, "Shhh!" and so he said, "you shut up." She was offended and next thing you know they are screaming and cussing each other. It got so crazy that a lieutenant and sergeant had to come down and put out the fire. I just kept thinking “dear God I've got to get moved off of this section.” I feel like the old dude on the block complaining about all of the noise but it gets so crazy on my section at times that I can't even think. On one hand, I can wait it out if I'm still here in July when I join some classes that will take place on B pod this time around. I'm a shoo in for a spot and will be moved to a special section for that. So, do I just wait it out or hope that the CCA rules before then...I don't know. I do my best to just deal with it but it does take a toll mentally. No human can he expected to take noise 24/7 especially for a person that prefers silence and being inside of my own head.
So, I had an interesting conversation with another officer over the weekend when she made a comment to my neighbor about America becoming communist (its not) and her freedoms being taken away. I could've easily dismissed it as another wack job and called her an idiot but I was genuinely intrigued and so I asked why did she feel that way and what "freedoms" has she lost? She couldn't really say other than feeling like she was being "forced" to accept so called gay agendas and things she disagreed with or went against her Christian beliefs and I asked if it wasn't a bit hypocritical to say she is losing her rights but is perfectly okay with marginalising a group of people simply because she doesn't "believe in it". I then gave her an article about what my Judge did to me and said, you want to see real religious discrimination and a violation of constitutional freedoms? My trial judge wanted me to be sentenced to death for just being Jewish. So, I can point to real violations. You aren't forced to accept anything you don't want to. That isn't a loss of your freedom or the signs of communism...but just as you aren't forced to accept anything you don't believe in, you don't have a right to hold others down simply because you don't believe in them. You can still go to church...no one is stopping you. You can still continue to practice your faith. If this democracy is failing it's because some people are doing whatever they can do to hold certain groups of marginalised people down. You know what response I got? I was called a " lefty"! I guess some people just aren't willing to see other perspectives...Can't win them all.
As I write this my section is watching some movie called Rampage. I might catch a little bit of but I'm feeling a bit too tired to stand at the door for three hours I certainly hope they have recreation tomorrow... The lock down is over but there is a staff shortage issue right now as well. It would be nice to get out of the cell.
Courage Strength Hope and Faith
Peace.
May 22nd, 2023
What a busy and eventful last few days...It started on Friday afternoon when I talked to an Officer about trying to get moved from the cell I was in for five months. I was tired of being over there and while I had tried to inquire about being moved weeks before it didn't seem to get me anywhere. I had even tried with the field ministers help which has worked before but didn't get me anywhere either. So, when an Officer that has always been helpful within the bounds of policy and rules came by I asked and she was like," Okay, I can talk to the secretary, where do you wanna go?' I replied, "Anywhere but here." Second shift came and no one said anything about me being moved and I chalked it up as another failed attempt. I got settled in for the evening and sometime close to 8pm another officer told me to pack my stuff, I was being moved. You couldn't have made me pack any faster than I did. I was moved to c section and while I can only see the tv when the day room gate is open, which it isn't always... especially on recreation days, I didn't care. I was just grateful to move away from the chaos and noise of the section I lived on, the occasional bickering over the tv and other irritating factors that were stressing me out. Now I can see the sunrise again, and the people over here get along for the most part and it is a hard core movie section, which is cool on the days I can see them. On Saturday
I went outside and played basketball, getting my butt kicked by a guy that was just better and faster than me. I've really got to get my speed and wind up. It gives him an advantage. I used to do a beast of a 20 minute hit work out and I need to get back to doing it. When the pandemic hit, I stopped doing it because we never got out of our cells.
On Sunday the inmate field ministers Troop and Solley came through with some free world ministers and Solley introduced me as being Jewish and well...I was suddenly tag teamed by the ministers and I could tell by the pained expression on Solley's face he didn't intend for that to happen. It was uncomfortable and awkward and gave me flash backs to boarding school being told I should accept Jesus and open my heart or else I was going to hell...but I was polite, respectful and smiled. These things used to make me really angry, but they meant no harm. They were kind...still it was awkward. Solley apologised after and I told him it was all good. It does highlight my point that TDCJ is trying to evangelize because they'd never allow Muslim clergy or a Buddhist monk or other faiths walk around and minister to inmates back here.
Troop said he would try to come on Monday to show a movie,but I had no idea he'd come rolling up on our section with The big TV's at 6:50 in the morning! He also gave me my certificate of completion for my voyager class as well which I was really happy to get. We watched two movies: Focus with Will Smith and Trespass with Nicholas Cage. They have an FM transmitter hooked up to the TVs which we can listen to on our radios or tablets with stereo sound so it really felt like being at the movies. It was sooo cool. They were both decent movies. Nicholas Cage really hammed it up in Trespass, though... it was borderline cheesy. He took it just far enough. haha After that and with the day room gate open our section watched the movies, The Accountant and Red 2...again, not the best of movies but decent. And now I'm finally winding down for the day and preparing my thoughts and prayers for Wednesday...Each week is torturous waiting on the CCA, but it does bring me one week closer. I could really use the prayers for another chance at life. I won't be a disappointment. I won't let it go to waste.
Course Strength Hope and Faith
Peace.
May 31st, 2023
It's the last day of the month and I am winding down for the day. It's been particularly crazy the past few days and memorial day weekend is always hard on me. If you've read my memoir Falling Down, you'll understand. I do a lot of reflecting on that holiday and the Christmas holiday. I get a bit down and lethargic.
Anyways, I didn't have time to get a work out in as the guards popped right up for a shower and so I did exercises throughout the day to help with the anxiety as I checked the news and the lexis nexis app.
This place is insane!!! I'll give an example of the problems and poor management back here. Yesterday was chaos. I made it to rec. some time before 2pm. Well, the guy in 17 cell was supposed to go to another section on fourth round. They forgot, skipped him and put someone else in his place. When the guards came back through we both talked to them and I said, "look...take me back to my cell as soon as my time is up so this guy has his rec. time after me." They said that would be fine and I told the guy to not worry, I'll make sure they get me back to my cell. Well,the time came and I told them to put me up...I told the guy waiting to get ready, I left and I went to the shower... They never got the guy!!! He was screwed out of recreation and I felt so bad for him because he wanted to watch the next movie coming on, something called Divergent and he would have been able to had they came back and pulled him out. He has poor eye sight so he can't see the tv properly from his cell and that just made me feel worse. Well, dinner comes and the two sergeants, The 'supervisors' and ones that are supposed to manage and lead come down to help the other guards and they are mad that they have to help and this guy down the run asks, "Isn't it your job to lead and help when needed? Isn't that what a leader does?" Do you know what the sergeant says? "I put in my work for four years as an officer. I don't have to work anymore...I should be on my butt in the office." Huh??? That is why this place is a mess! Very frustrating to have to be subjected to.
We are a bit worried because now the rumors are that Polunsky is about to get a complete new administration... We are supposed to have all new Wardens and Majors. Warden Dickerson has made Regional Director which is awesome because that is a HUGE position and he sets policy. He could really help death row conditions if he chooses. It also protects the hard work and programs he established here from being meddled with should we get a bad warden. But we are just hoping that nothing dramatically changes for the worst on a unit or death row level by a jerk major or warden. Time will tell, I suppose.
So as I wrote earlier,I've been checking the news all day in hopes for a ruling today and it didn't come. Obviously, the wait is torture, but I do feel it is coming soon. I just need to be patient. When I get anxious or worried I start researching different rulings and it helps. I've learned a lot and I'm seeing patterns with how the Judges rule. There is one Judge that dissents on everything and he'd have an innocent person either executed or remain in prison for life on his strict interpretation of rules. I've also seen that over 90% of the time the CCA will uphold the trial courts findings especially if the state concedes or admits error. Well, I'm just hoping for the best...
Over the weekend we watched a bunch of good movies...Baby Driver was the best of them. I got to see Taken for the first time as well. It is a bit old but new for me! haha. I'm hoping better movies play this weekend. Maybe we will get some new ones. Otherwise I'm just taking it day by day.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith
Peace
June 5th, 2023
I started my day today at 6 am. I worked out and as it seemed they weren't doing showers, I bird bathed and shaved and cleaned my cell. I feel bright and hopeful in this new week and month but I'm also fighting off some slight negativity and irritation from some thing that happened yesterday afternoon...There was a little dust up on my section and the energy today is still a bit off...
So, since being over here there has never been a fight over what people want to watch. The majority of the section enjoys movies and that is pretty much where it stays. Now let me preface this next part by saying our tv doesn't stay really loud. Sometimes B section turns theirs up waaaay too loud, but we've found that at a setting of 27 the volume is where those that can't listen on their radios can hear it okay standing at their door. It is a perfect setting for this environment. But we started noticing that two guys in particular have been whispering to the officers to turn the volume down. When it isn't necessary. I'm a new guy over here on this section so I wasn't saying anything about it, but another other guy finally blew up over it when the officer showed up out of nowhere to turn the tv down. The majority told the officer to leave it at 27. So, one of the cry babies started screaming "turn it down!" The other guys said no...back and forth and so the guard just left. It all blew up! Guys were screaming and threatening each other. Still, I stayed out of it. Well...this other guy who has some weird superiority complex and thinks he's better than everyone else says, " I can't ask the officer to turn it down? I'm not allowed to ask that? Randy? I can't ask that?" I was calm at that point and said, " Look, I don't care where the volume is at. I can listen on my radio. BUT others can't-" and this guy just starts talking over me and ranting and raving calling us all dumbasses and idiots, trying to be a bully and I said " Will you just shut up? Stop whining like a baby. This is prison. Put your big boy pants on and deal with it. It isn't that loud. I'll tell you this right now....One person- two people- aren't going to run this tv. Just shut up and deal with it. Start thinking about others and not yourself. You call everyone idiots? Let me tell you something, dude...You are not better than me or anyone else on this section. So shut up and deal with it." I was a little harsher than that, but bullies push my button and have since I was a dorky kid in elementary school. As nice as I want to be and I am, sometimes you have to speak up.
After that things calmed down a bit but there is still some tension in the air this morning. Sometimes I wish they would have never put these TVs up in the first place. Another reason to allow us the media app on the tablet. It would mitigate fights and headaches. Saturday night on The Tank they played The Cure's 40th anniversary which was awesome, but Sunday I was able to FINALLY see one of my most favorite movies of all time!!! Pulp Fiction!!! It was amazing after so many years to catch it! Outside of the fighting on my section, in the afternoon we watched the original Point Break, which still holds up, The Enforcer and Pulp Fiction. After that I went to bed.
Today I did try to talk to the guy who was being a bully but he can't be reasoned with and just wanted to keep insulting me and the section. I had to do a Texas "Bless your heart" and walk away from the door. Most guys back here don't act like him and will try to work out differences and communicate. But there are always exceptions. Just as it is everywhere in life, I suppose. I'm gonna keep the positivity flowing and try to focus on new beginnings in my life.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace
June 13th, 2023
As I begin this I'm waiting to see if there will be recreation and showers. The lights are still out so who knows...I'm really irritated that this emessaging doesn't work as advertised. Taffy hasn't heard from me since Friday and she is worried which has me upset...not even the short messages, and I don't know why everything has suddenly slowed up. The system started acting funky on Friday and it hasn't been the same. Securus is such a crappy business, but they have a monopoly on prisons so why spend money to provide a reliable service? Our hands are tied. It is tempting to sometimes turn this tablet in and go back to just snail mail.
We are about to be in the midst of record breaking temperatures here as well and over 100 degrees by Friday. Thank goodness our air is working on this building. Guys in general population don't have air conditioning.
Well, yesterday was crazy and we didn't get showers. If it doesn't happen today it will be day four and it is a ghost town right now so it has me wondering if this will be another day without. Yeah, I can take a bath in my sink and get clean, but nothing beats a proper shower and there are guys who probably won't bathe in their sink and I'm sure they stink really bad right now. I always think about the mentally I'll guys in this situation.
Last weekend we watched some interesting movies. The one that has me thinking the most was a really deep indie horror movie called "Cold Skin" about this British weather watcher in the early 1900s. When he lands on this island to take care of a lighthouse there is a strange man there... he refuses to leave and so the guy begins to care for the island with him when he discovers he's holding captive this blue female creature. Every night the light house is attacked by other creatures...the new guy starts realising it is because they are the outsiders and have held captive what is something akin to their princess...It was a weird but gorgeous film and I think an allegory on early British colonialism because the one keeper believes they are superior to these creatures and they must be exterminated. It wasn't so much scary as unsettling. I highly recommend it.
Yesterday some guys wanted to watch the basketball championships so it was put on there. I listened to my music show on the tank until ten and was out like a light. My neighbor on my right came back from his hearings yesterday and so he was typing on his type writer and I had to adjust to the clickety clacking of his type writer but managed to sleep well, waking up for breakfast at three and then falling back to sleep. I think they might actually be setting up rec. but I don't know if it is upstairs or downstairs. If it is upstairs I won't make it until late in the afternoon. If it is down I'll be first or second round so we will have to see.
I know I'm kind of rambling about... They are scheduling rec upstairs so I might as well settle in for a long day. Everyone is going to rec. upstairs so I might not even make it. Ugh. I really hope tomorrow is my day. I'm so sick of this place. It will be a little over six months give or take a few days. I talked to a guy back here and he thinks the CCA goes on their summer break in mid July for a couple of weeks and then comes back. The Supreme court begins either next week or the last week of June and they don't come back until October. But even if it isn't tomorrow, G-d please let this be the last month I have to wait.
I'm really proud of my friend Big Will back here. He became what is sort of the first life coach/ faith program coordinator on death row. He lives on A pod and will stay there, but for a death row inmate it is still a big responsibility. He really has come a long way and changed so much. Well, we'll see if I get to recreation today. More tomorrow! Please pray for me!
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace
June 25th, 2023
I'm a bit stressed as I write this because the Securus messaging system is giving me a headache. It's Sunday and I'm doing my best to get through the day. I had a late night as I stayed up last night listening to the movie Titanic. I wish could have seen it but right now I'm stuck with just listening to movies because the gate to the day room has to be closed now. I was able to see the TV when it was open. I did ask the administration if it would be okay to remount the TVs in a place that the entire section could see it and they've been receptive to the idea, but it takes time to get a work order signed off on and executed.
I cannot believe that we are entering into the last week of the month. Time is moving by much too fast...It's about to be July! Great things have happened in July for the past two summers, so G-d willing I will have my favorable ruling and be back in Dallas either by the end of July or early August. I think some of my friends back here are just as eager and impatient as I am. I keep getting asked, "When are you leaving, Randy?" or, "I thought the courts ruled for you already!" It's nice to have the confidence of guys as well and it does boost my spirits up some.
I've been trying to see what G-d wants of me while I'm here. I think there is a purpose for everything and right now I'm wondering if it is to help with this fan drive I started on Friday when one of the life coaches told me there is an indigent fan shortage. I've got seven commitments, including myself, to donate fans when we go to store.
Today I typed up a bulletin for the DJ of the prison radio station to announce on the radio to get others to donate. We only needed seven fans, but I'm thinking it would be a good idea to stock some up for the indigent program in case others need them. With the captain on board and giving the green light for us to do this I think I can raise a bunch of fans. They only cost twenty bucks, so it isn't a huge dent in someone's commissary budget, you know? It feels good to be able to help those in need. I can remember a time when I had no fan and had to hustle to trade things for a fan in the extreme heat of South Texas. This was before an indigent fan program even existed. You either hustled or you could die of a heat stroke. I've seen men fall out dozens of times when I was in general population. It's a deadly heat.
It doesn't look like we are getting showers today. It seems that for the past couple of months, on average, we have a shower once every two to three days, and one day of recreation per week. There is no solution in sight. Apparently a bunch of guards are quitting because in general population there are is no air conditioning on the buildings. So, when it's 100 plus degrees outside, the buildings are even hotter and the Texas legislation doesn't want to pass a bill that pays for the millions it would cost to install air units...so, for politicians that talk a good game about keeping Texans safe, they don't seem to mind that their prisons are dangerously understaffed.
I'm hoping field minister Troop comes by because I have some things I need to run by him on ideas and some issues to raise to the administration. Everyone teases me about all of the ideas I have and it's only because I'm trying to make the place better for everyone, including the Officers. Some of my best ideas come from thinking of others.
There is a rumor that in the next fiscal year the food in TDCJ is supposed to improve and be a bit healthier. I hope so because the meals have taken a dive of late, but I get it, the kitchens must be infernos with the heat outside so the inmates must be trying to get out of there as soon as possible. Well, I'm going to kick back and listen to some movies as I pray and meditate on what I hope is a positive week.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
June 27th, 2023
Today was one of those wild and chaotic days I can't seem to ever get used to. I went to rec. early in the morning for about ten minutes, then we were told rec. was cancelled and so I went back to my cell, then about 45 minutes later rec. was back on but we were told we would only get an hour. I went back to rec, got a work out in, went back to my cell very hot and suddenly drained..I waited on a shower, had that in the afternoon and had no desire to do anything else.
Death Row has air conditioning, but the building walls cook like an oven and it pulses. My bed and desk are near the wall so the air helps little when it is over 100 degrees outside. I do my best to manage. I'm just trying to keep my spirits hopeful going into another Wednesday waiting on the CCA. On another note, I've been thinking a lot about what is called The Anti Terrorist Effective Death Penalty Act or more commonly referred to as the AEDPA. Federal legislation that was passed in response to the Oklahoma City Bombings. Politicians that had long wanted to speed up death penalty appeals took advantage of the rage and emotional response to that horrible day. It had been very effective in Texas between the late 90's and into the first two decades of this century ensuring hundreds of executions. There were signs that it's effectiveness had been waning, though. Young and smart capital defence attorneys, and the creation of the federal Capital Habeas Units, were finding creative ways to challenge it. It slowed the appeals process down a bit or bought clients a little more time. Then, Justice Scalia passed and Trump happened and he was able to fill open seats on the federal courts with uber conservatives and turned the Supreme Court into a conservative super majority. Republican states, especially those in the 5th circuit (many southern states ) pounced and began to appeal to federal courts on issues dealing with the AEDPA. The Supreme Court as it is has made recent rulings interpreting it in the strictest way possible. This is killing a death row inmate's chance of any success at the federal level, by limiting what issues can be appealed .
The Supreme Court often mentions 'the intent of congress' in its opinions. I think it's time to start demanding politicians change the AEDPA. It's bad, outdated legislation that was born out of revenge. It will almost certainly ensure that defendants with bad attorneys won't have a chance and increases the chances of an innocent person being executed.
It won't be long before Texas has its machinery of death back to firing on all cylinders. There are so many men here with exhausted appeals and on borrowed time. The slowing down of executions and the pandemic lulled people against the death penalty into a sort of complacency and it's time to wake back up.
As I type this it's getting close to my bed time. I'm laying here under the fan, listening to The Cure's Staring At The Beach singles collection on The Tank. The song 'The Walk ' is on. I'd boogie, but it's too dang hot. Here's to hoping for good news soon!
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.