January 2nd, 2023
I can't
believe it is a new year and new week. They're treating today like a
holiday and it has been very boring and lazy. Made more so because
it's extremely humid and icky feeling in the cell. East Texas
humidity has the effect of zapping the life right out of you. How did
folks live back in the old days before complex structures and climate
control?
Well, its been a so- so start to the new year. I'm hopeful
for a lot of good things, but I also know it's not going to be a
great year for other guys and I am worried about all of the execution
dates they're about to set in the coming weeks and months...
Today Troop came to the pod to show movies on one half of the pod. He
showed A- section " Disturbia" B- section one of the Hunger
Games movies and on C-section " In Time" ... He'll be back
over here on Friday to get this side of the pod. We're still dealing
with staff shortages. Averaging about 1 shower every few days. We're wondering if we'll have rec. tomorrow. I decided to reboot my
exercising yesterday because waiting on recreation isn't going to cut
it. I need to be proactive.
I don't mind the section I'm living on.
Everyone is fairly positive and these guys keep telling me I'm on the
way out from this place. It means a lot but I try to be humble about
it and not put it in people's faces when we're all still on death
row. I always say that I'm not out of the woods yet. But I do pray
these are my last days, weeks, or months. Time will tell!
Well, as I
get used to typing these journals on the tablet I'm hoping it might
speed up the process a little bit. It still feels a little weird but
we'll see!
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
January 4th, 2023
It's Wednesday and I'm
feeling a bit lazy. I did manage to get quite a bit accomplished
though. I went to rec. yesterday but sadly, not everyone made it
because in the afternoon rec was cancelled as well as showers.
So, today I was
catching up on some writing duties and thinking on a lot of things.
I'm always frustrated and saddened by misinformation and an inability
to control fact versus fiction, as well as opinions formed about me
by taking moments out of my life, and picking out certain mistakes to
paint a portrait of who they might think I am. I've screwed up...no
doubt about that and over the years I've had stumbles and missteps
but I do know my heart and those that do mentor me, support me, and
care about me, know I'm not perfect. I don't hide behind trauma, I
don't play the victim...I own my mistakes. But they do know my heart
and my constant desire to want to give back and to make right my bad
choices.
My life, even in the
hard times, is always about trying to be of service. I know I can't
convince everyone of that and I won't even try. I can only let my
actions and words speak for themselves. That's really all I can do.
Trying to live a life of validation and trying to impress everyone
around me has never worked for me. In fact, it always has gotten me
in trouble. I'd also like to say that I've never 'hid behind
religion' or tried to make myself look like a saint. I'm proudly
Jewish and my faith is important to me, but I'm far from religious. I
do what my heart tells me and I do my best but yeah, I like cheese
burgers. I can cuss like a sailor at times. I have an irreverent
sense of humor. And I'm in love with a gentile. But I am Jewish and
my trial Judge hated Jews. He was biased. That isn't my fault.
I do not want to have
to go through this process all over again. I don't want people to
hurt all over again. But its not 'hiding behind a religion'. I
recently heard a legal expert do a Q and A and someone asked him how
he felt about cases affected over 'technicalities' and he corrected
the person and said there's no such thing. He explained that the
justice system is built on laws and rules and when those are broken
whether a person likes it or not, the only remedy is to fix it by
giving new trials, or throwing cases out. You can't call it justice
if you're willing to bend the rules, break the rules, or violate your
duties. People get mad at attorneys for exposing the violations
within the rules. But that is how the system is designed so that it
can course correct itself. That's why we have a constitution. But no,
I'm not 'hiding'.
I'm deeply sorry there
is pain and suffering and anger in this process, and I pray with all
that's in me that peace and forgiveness can be given...I am sincere
and one day I hope people can see this in my actions and not just my
words. I'm not perfect but I am always trying to be better.
The day is winding down
now and I'm easing into the evening. Be kind to one another. A little
positivity can go a long way.
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith
Peace.
January 5th, 2023
I know my heart...I know my intentions... I know who I am and the life I want to live and have already started to live: a life of service to others...a life that returns goodness for any harm I've caused in the past. I might stumble and occasionally require guidance and patience, but I know I want to live in light and love. I am a good person. I can say that in confidence. I can say that even if I'm still judged by my past, I won't allow it to change me from being the person I want to be.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace
January 10th, 2023
Well, its clear that these emessages aren't flawless. I think I had some messages and a weekend journal go missing. Here's to hoping this entry gets out.
My spirit is a bit heavy today because I received some attacks and I guess I should've expected it with the possibility of a new trial. I don't feel sorry for myself and while it does hurt, I can handle it. I guess it hurts because I have done my very best in offering atonement and asking for forgiveness. Not in words but in actions. I have to live with shame and regret, remorse...sometimes self hate and disbelief at some of my actions going all the way back to my first offense. I live with this, but I also know I'm not that person and I wish with all of me I could make it all right somehow. If I could sit down with the people that have been affected by my choices and mistakes I would and the offer is always there. Scream at me, spit at me...I'll accept it all but I also want to ask forgiveness and for them to see my eyes, the sincerity of my soul. That's all. I do try to show in words and actions and people don't know half of my efforts to atone and give back. I just have to do my best to keep moving forward in light.
The rumor mill is back at it saying more is to come with the tablet by!the end of the month. I think people mistake gratitude with being lied to and being punished for no other reason than guys being on death row. Its not being ungrateful. The guys here are grateful for the tablet and messaging, but where as every other inmate in Texas can gain more content through good behavior, death row can't, and that is the root argument and why so many are upset. It's more than attitude and outlook.
Sadly, there's an execution today and those always bring morale down a bit.
Be kind to one another.
Courage, Strength. Hope and Faith
Peace
January 11th, 2023
Actions prove sincerity. I woke up this morning with those words on my mind. As if my dearly departed friend and mentor was speaking to me from the great beyond. David, a proud Marine who lost his foot to a land mine, often told me that when I talked about striving to be a better person. In prison people say, "A pair of lips will say anything," meaning that unless there's something to back it up, it can't be trusted.
Before I went to sleep, I was thinking about how it seems impossible to prove to the world, especially the doubters that will say that I'm just faking it or pulling some great con in trying to show I'm not dangerous, or how I'm a different person than I was at 18 years old or 23 years old, 25 and so on...All I can say is that Actions Prove Sincerity.
I have 15 years of writings that chronicle my life here. When I falter, I don't gloss over it. When I'm upset over something, I let it out. I've stumbled and I have hurt people's feelings. I've not been a perfect person. I've let pain, fear, and people hurting me control my decision making process and faltered. I'm human. I'm sure that even Gandhi and Mother Theresa stumbled on their paths to be better people. But throughout, I have learned, tried to atone, and grow. I've tried to give back and be better. That's why I always tell people to let my actions speak for me, not my words.
I was also thinking about how unforgiving people are in this country. There was a study recently done about Americans being some of the most unhappy people in the world and it's mind boggling that a country so advanced and wealthy, a country that provides entertainment and other forms of art to the world, could be miserable and yet we are. It shows itself in subtle ways though...Gun culture, revenge culture, politics, and other ugly forms. You would think in a country that primarily views itself as founded on Judaic-Christian values that forgiveness would be the key driving force. And yet, it isn't. It just makes me wonder what the root cause for misery in this country is.
Well, as I said, Actions Prove Sincerity.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith
Peace
January
15th, 2023
I've
had a slight headache today and so I've really accomplished nothing
other than washing one bed sheet. I was going to do both of them but
then I thought, ehhh, I'll do the other tomorrow.
Field
Minister Troop came by yesterday and we had an hour theological
debate. We recently gained the religious app called Pando on our
tablet and its pretty much Christian based content and a few shows.
Some of the content is super preachy but a lot of it is surprisingly
modern and progressive and there's some music videos, a TV show
called The Chosen, which wasn't really bad at all. And if you
dig deep enough there's even a few Christmas movies buried in the
content. I watched Elf for the first time Friday night.
Anyways,
Troop and I got into talking about The Chosen and I felt some
of it was contradictory to jewish teachings and there were even some
anti-semitic tropes in it and well, it wasn't horrible, and we talked
about all of that. He said he would be back today to show one half of
the pod movies, and will also be back to show us a movie tomorrow, so
I'm looking forward to that.
We've
not had showers in two days either but what's weird today is that
there were three officers on the pod the entire day. It ticked off a
bunch of people but not like we can do anything. Maybe tomorrow.
That's really been it for the weekend.
Courage.
Strength. Hope. and Faith.
Peace
January 18th, 2023
Wednesday...and another
day on one of the finest penal institutions in the country! Man,
waking up in this place I have to pinch myself and ask, “How did I
ever become so fortunate to land in a country club!?” And if a
person here really does that, they need to have their head checked
out.
So, I'm starting this a
bit early today so that I can ride the ebb and flow of the day. I'm
curious where it will take me. What worries me is how tense things
are right now. Some guys have really had enough, and the sucker
punches keep coming...the latest kick in the proverbial testies came
Monday night when the night time officers announced our weekly five
minute phone calls had been reduced to one call a month now. When
asked why that was they said someone abused a call by doing some
interview with a YouTuber and it was posted after their execution.
Well, while the Officers were quick to throw a dead man under the
bus, in my own mind I had a bunch of questions...Okay, let's assume
this incident happened...
- The guy can't make a call on his own. The officer has to call the switch board, verify the number by making sure the person is calling an approved number, and then the call can go through.
- An Officer has to monitor the call. When I call Taffy there is an officer standing inches from my door while the phone is clipped to my door screen and on speaker.
- There is no policy that forbids a call from being recorded, or posted for that matter. I'm sure guys do it all of the time in general population.
So, getting back to
questions one and two...The Officers had to have failed at their job,
assuming what they said happened was true. Of course, being punished
arbitrarily and collectively for the failure of an Officer's job is
nothing new to us. But I need more information. It sounds to me like
they're making a dead dude a scape goat to justify not giving death
row the phone app. That's conjecture, of course, but it wouldn't
surprise me.
I had to calm some guys
down yesterday and keep them from acting out. I said, "Look, get
more information first. Then file grievances. If you act up and do
something stupid, it'll only help the administration by giving them
justification. Simmer down a bit. Don't be dumb." I don't know
if it'll work, but it can't be ignored that B pod feels like a tender
box right now. You can only expect men to take broken promises and
the fact that things never improve for so long. Right now Death Row
is a tale of two cities. There is A pod and B pod. The majority of A
pod is the faith based program. They get classes, they have regular
visitors from all walks of life, they get free world food, movies on
a regular basis, concerts etc. Talk to most men on A pod and they'll
boast about how wonderful things are and all of the wonderful
changes. Yet, they are a little blinded by the fact that we've lost
more than we've gained. Then, you have B pod...all we get is a couple
of showers a week, it seems and one or two days of rec. We might get
a movie once every couple of weeks...The highlight of each week was
the five minute call.
I know it sounds
terribly cynical of me, but I'm just trying to show the stark
contrast and why people are so upset and why it's more than 'attitude
is everything' or more than just being grateful. A grateful heart
doesn't mean you have to tolerate a kick in the nuts when it happens.
I mean, who on earth says " Man! You landed that right on the
left one...but thank you for missing the right one!" Well, today
is CCA ruling day and I'll be checking on all of that throughout the
day. we shall see what happens. Shockingly they're doing rec. I went
outside before noon and it started pouring rain! I was soaked from
head to toe so we came back in within minutes.
And that's the day!
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace
January 22nd, 2023
It's a chilly but beautifully bright Sunday. A stark contrast to yesterday's damp and grey day that honestly ended horribly. Things were starting off positively with recreation and a buzz of excitement that it had been confirmed by various reliable sources we would begin to have recreation more regularly as well as receiving more content and apps via the tablet very soon. After the disappointing roll out of the tablets the spirit of this place had been crushed here on B pod and everyone was miserable.
When I went to rec I spent the entire two hours answering questions on how the podcast app and media app worked so those guys would be ready should they eventually pop up. We talked about music and movies and I got teased when a guy asked what movie I wanted to watch first and I said, "Well, I definitely want to watch Avatar, but I have to check with Taffy and see what movie she wants to do first for a date..." They were like. “Wait. What? You have to check with your girl first?” I said, “Hey dudes, I've no shame in movie dates and keeping her heart happy and besides I like doing them, too! We're doing Elf today on the pando app. Ha ha”
I came back in and had to wait quite a while for a shower and when I made it to the shower I was stuck there for an hour which sucked. Later I did Elf which is a funny movie for anyone who hasn't seen it. I love the childlike innocence of Buddy the Elf. It was after the movie that we learned the upsetting and shocking news of yet another Death Row suicide, Terence Andrus. The guards were freaking out and everything was shut down to deal with the situation. He was liked by a lot of people both guards and inmates alike but in the past year he had mentally declined severely and would say he was tired of this place and having everything taken from us all of the time...Sadly, that is the reality of this place. Some people can be strong for only so long. And then there's the cruel irony that the state wants to try and keep you alive for the sole purpose of murdering you when your appeals run out. They don't care about your well being, just that you stay alive. To murder you. That twisted reality can weigh heavily on a person.
I suggest people watch the series The Chosen...I think you'll learn something about how we should act towards even the worst of us. Since I've been here I think I've been exposed to over a dozen or so suicides. That is not something any human being should have to live with. It's sad.
I slept okay and then started my day. Sundays are typically lazy after I do my chores and today is no different. I'm telling myself now that tomorrow I need to get off of my lazy butt and get back to some of my writing projects. The only writing I've been doing of late is my home work assignments, when given, for my Voyager 2 class where we're often asked to write an essay on the topic we're covering. I can't believe I'm 13 weeks in now with that program.
We shall see what the week holds for us back here. I hope they will continue with recreation more frequently. I know getting out of the cell for a little bit always helps me clear my head. I need to start jogging again. Yeah, if I get to rec tomorrow I'm going to do that.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
January
23rd, 2023
It's
another fine day on Polunsky Unit. We had recreation today but it's
been a mad house with lazy guards who are upset they have to run
recreation from Monday through Friday now. The unit is still short
staffed so what they're doing is bringing Officers from other prison
units to work over time here in an attempt to keep things running. If
it is really true that we will soon receive the other apps on the
tablet you would think the ranking officers or administration would
want that fast tracked because two thirds of the pod will more than
likely skip recreation to do other things on the tablet. I know a lot
of guys who have said “screw rec.” I'm not one of them! Even in
Dallas where I had the tablet, access to the phone and phone app etc.
I had to get out of the cell when I could. I hate the feeling of
being cooped up.
Today
I vowed to get back on my cardio work out. I was doing the jump rope
regularly before the lock down back in December but I really want to
get back into my 20 minute high intensity cardio blast I was doing.
I'll do the jump rope occasionally but it's really hard on my joints.
Geeze, I sound like an old man!
It's
been a really beautiful day. Cold, but lovely. Tomorrow we're
expecting major storms and a ton of rain. There's been some rumors
that we might get our five minute call back this week. That will be
great if its true. Not having it this past week sucked for all of us.
I'm
doing my best to keep busy and getting into a writing routine for a
new collection of writings that have never been on my site. I'm
mixing it up with all new poems and short stories. I want to work on
my second memoir, but it has to wait for awhile. I have a few
chapters written, but it just has to wait for now.
Well,
I was out at rec today for over four hours. They're stopping rec now
and just finishing showers, so the last rounds of rec were screwed
out of it. It doesn't surprise me. On top of that I've received no
long emails since last Thursday so that was upsetting. Crazy how
things with technology are supposed make life less stressful and it
ends up complicating things. That is pretty much the day today!
Courage.
Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
January
24th, 2023
Today
has been a grey day. As I write this I'm still hoping to make it to
recreation outside, but it's been shut down because it was supposed
to storm. There's been a drop of rain here and there but nothing like
last week when I was outside in the rain. I was hoping on a good jog
or playing a little basketball.
With
recreation everyday now, the field minister said the movies are going
to be a difficult thing to do on a regular basis. It requires
shutting down a day room to hook up the equipment and would require
sections to give up their rec day to do it. They can get some
sections to agree but not all because some guys want their rec and
could not care less about a movie and I understand that. I don't like
being cooped up in my cell either, but I also know some guys would
prefer a movie so sacrificing a day is worth it. Troop said he might
be able to work it out every month or so on a Sunday, but really we
have to just hope they are serious about allowing us to purchase
movies on the tablet. As I write this we have yet to receive any
additional apps.
It's
later now and I made it outside which was nice. It sprinkled a bit
but now the storms are making their way in and it looks apocalyptic.
We just had some news and update on the tablets and now some officers
are saying we aren't for certain getting the media app. The warden is
now saying it isn't a guarantee. Geeze, I'm so tired of being yanked
around. Well onto another day!
Courage.
Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
January 25th, 2023
So, it's another CCA week and I'm all nerves. I'm starting this early in the day as I check the news and see what happens.
Yesterday I was still processing the suicide that happened over the weekend and on Sunday night I heard my neighbor talking about how the dude was a close friend of his and it really messed with his head, but he knew the guy wasn't right after losing his appeals. Apparently he had been screwed over really badly in his trial and when the Supreme Court was a 5-4 majority they had sent his appeals back to the CCA to have it addressed and he was certain it would be reversed. Well, Trump happened and RBG passed and that majority grew 6-3...The CCA basically ignored the Supreme Courts directive sent it back to the new majority and they denied it. I wanted to read this for myself and I kept putting in the wrong spelling for the legal Lexis Nexis app where you can look up rulings – the same app I keep checking for a CCA ruling today. I asked my neighbor why it kept telling me 'no search found' and he told me I spelled his name wrong.
The day got away from me as I was checking all day for messages. Other than some love notes from Taffy NOTHING was getting through and then around dinner a gazillion messages popped up all the way back to Friday! It wasn't until later in the evening I looked up the case and wow...he really did get screwed over. His trial lawyers put up no case in the sentencing phase, no mitigation, and totally screwed him over. Its a shame the courts have allowed that to happen. The courts always say this one line that is such BS... "Even if there was error, it was harmless because the crime was so awful or the evidence so overwhelming that it would not change the jurors mind." But how can they act like they know what would or wouldn't change a jurors mind? Have a look at the case of Paul Storey and listen to the Snap Judgement or This American Life podcast where some jurors said had they known his victim's family didn't want him executed they would have never voted for death. That decision ruined their own lives.
So, yeah, Terence felt helpless and hopeless. On top of that a mental health nurse here mocked him some weeks ago when he told her he was going to kill himself saying "Why haven't you done it already?” And he was in complete isolation on F pod in the dungeon. It was a perfect storm of horribleness. It gets my blood boiling. The Tank read a poem from him last night and it was one of pain. Ugh. And yet, some way, some how things go back to the way they were and remain.
Our recreation schedule has gone back to the pre pandemic one and while it means we'll get at least two outside days and three inside, it all but kills the field minister movies and we worry that guards will quit because they haven't had to do this much work in two years. If they'd give us the media app it would cut their work load by two thirds guaranteed! A lot of guys would just stay in their cells.
It's later in the day now and there was no CCA ruling and surprisingly the officers got everything done quickly. They're worn out and tired but they got it done. I always find it interesting when we have an all women crew working and society has deemed us the worst of the worst and a continued danger but...not too dangerous to have. three women running a pod on death row.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
January 26th, 2023
I always find it
interesting that TDCJ is always more than willing to violate security
protocols and policy when it best suits them, but if an inmate does
something as silly as passing a snack to another inmate some officers
write them up for 'trafficking and trading' which is what happened
today. All the while there were three women working the pod, a
violation in itself because it requires a male officer to strip
search an inmate when they leave their cell. Then, the officers
working rarely did a security round every 30 minutes, never did a
proper count time, as they are required, instead just cooking the
books as they call it. And still after all of these violations one of
them writes a disciplinary on an inmate for passing some ramen
noodles to another inmate?? What kind of world do we live in?
Insanity.
The phone app came on
for about an hour today and then disappeared again. We were told it
would take 2-4 weeks to sort it out before they would approve phone
numbers but it did have a lot of guys excited. I joked and told some
guys around me that people don't really talk much on the phone these
days and after the novelty of it wears off people on the outside
won't want to talk much, and we'll be back to square one.
It has been a long
stressful day...I made it to the shower only to get trapped for an
hour. Sheesh.
Courage. Strength Hope
and Faith.
Peace.
January 28th, 2023
Saturday..I'm writing this in the morning at 9:32 am as I wait to go to recreation. The officers are in no hurry to begin and have been sitting in the control center horse playing. Its the only place I know that won't fire you for not doing your job. Of course, who cares about inmates when it comes to recreation or other basic needs? And that is why a law suit on death row conditions has officially been filed. You can read about it in the Texas Tribune news paper on line. It hasn't made big news but I know from talking to one of the field ministers yesterday that the head warden is ticked off about it. It's not his fault per se, and to his credit, he has done an outstanding job on the. changes he's made back here. That must be noted. However, there is a backwards culture when it comes to any change or reform in conditions especially when it comes to Death Row and Ad-Seg. You can't feign concern about mental health, the increasing rate of suicides and then continue to pursue policies that laugh in the face of that. There are those that will say , "Screw you, scum. You need to suffer. You need to die", but those thoughts or beliefs run contrary to most civilised standards in developed countries as well as our own Constitution. Even the three Abrahamic faiths. You can't call out other countries for their human rights violations when your own are just as bad, if not worse than the countries you call out.
So, we shall see what comes of it. Knowing TDCJ they will put up a fight and blow millions of tax payers dollars of money they say they don't have for things like improved food and conditions.
Well, yesterday was interesting. It does appear that we are for certain receiving the phone app. Securus came to our pod yesterday and set up recording stations in each day room via a portable phone. Then, individually, we were taken to the day room and we were told to speak into the phone and say our name three times after a beep, then say a phrase three times. After it recorded our voice biometrics, we had to say it again to make sure it worked and a voice said "You have now been accepted into the Securus phone system." What we don't know is how the prison is going to do our pre approved phone list and how many people we can call. General population gets 30 numbers. I doubt they will allow us that many people to call. Field Minister Troop was over here yesterday and we talked about an hour and he said that Warden Enriques told him we were getting all the apps, he just doesn't know when. It runs contrary to Warden Dickerson saying he doesn't know if we will or won't.
I told Troop I was tired of the towing and froing and if we got it, great. If not, we will just have to make do with what we have and then we talked about a system in which he could still show movies even when we have rec. six days a week now. We both agreed it would probably require a section skipping their rec. day. Which I'm sure most sections would sacrifice every now and then. Of course we also know that if these guys had the media app most guys wouldn't go to rec. and it would make the guards job much easier.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
January 29th, 2023
Sunday evening and I'm
here listening to the world news as I type this. Earlier I did a Star
Wars marathon, doing chores as I listened to a few of the newer
movies, then at three I had a date with Taffy watching a show that is
on the Pando app we have on our tablet. After that I've been lazy and
relaxing, thinking and listening to the radio.
My neighbor has taken
the suicide of Terence Andrus really hard. They were close friends
and since his death he's been in a funk. I've been checking on him
and talking every now and then.
Tomorrow the phone app
is supposed to go live from 9 am to 5 pm but even if it comes on
there's speculation on whether or not anyone will be able to use it
because we don't know if we have to submit a phone list nor do we
know how many people we will be allowed to call. There are still
uncertainties.
It'll also be
interesting to see how TDCJ responds to the law suits filed on
conditions. The firm that filed them has had success in other states
so Texas has a fight on their hands. Its crazy that the month is
almost over. It went by in a breeze. And that is about it for today.
Courage. Strength.
Hope. Faith.
Peace.
January 30th, 2023
I woke up feeling
positive and full of hope, even in spite of the bad events of recent
weeks and the coming executions. John Balentine is scheduled for next
week and is a good friend of mine and I know it will be difficult for
me, but I have to find light in the darkness and keep moving forward.
If I survive this place I've made a promise to myself and to the guys
here that I will continue to speak out about the death penalty, the
possibility and power of redemption and change, and be a voice for
these men. Even if I don't like everyone here, it doesn't mean I
should be silent.
I do feel intuitively
it's going to be a good week and beginning of a new month. I hope
that spirit and feeling continues on throughout the week!
So, last Friday we did
our voice biometrics for the phone app. This brought about much joy
throughout the pod and the Securus technician told us, once we did
our recording we were in the system we were ready. By Monday it
should be good to go. Actually, a sergeant just came by and said we
would be able to make calls later this week. What we don't know is
how many people we will be allowed to call, how we'll have to do our
phone list, meaning, do we submit a list for approval or just have
you out there register online or what? We're flying blind and the
administration is not helping guide us.
We are also getting
mixed messages on whether or not we'll get the media app or even
podcasts. The death row warden told the field minister we were but
the head warden said he didn't know either way. I'm not understanding
all of this cloak and dagger antics and why we just can't get a solid
yes or no,you know?
In the midst of all of
the confusion a law suit has officially been filed by a HUGE firm
that has had success in other states with their death row and so this
isn't some slapped together fly by the seat of your pants law suit.
It has been in the works for over two years. TDCJ will waste a bunch
of money fighting it as they do and we are already hearing that the
head warden and the TDCJ director is pissed off so... We'll see what
comes of it. There's hope and most of the guards here want us as well
as ad seg to have more content on the tablet because it means less
work for them.
So, I spent most of the
weekend vegging out. I did have five hours of rec. on Saturday which
was crazy, but I spent most of the weekend listening to movies. I did
a star wars marathon, some Avengers and Fast and the Furious. We
don't know when we'll see a movie back here from the field minister,
though...doing rec every day makes it difficult for him.
Breaking news...they're
starting to install televisions in the day room. No doubt in response
to the law suits...They just put up the televisions in 4 day rooms
and will finish tomorrow. Unfortunately they can't turn them on yet
because the coax cables out there have to be replaced. Ad seg is
getting TV as well. Still I knew something positive was happening
this week. There is zero excuse to not allow us the media app now! I
mean, what would be the argument?
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace.
February
2nd, 2023
I
haven't really been able to get my brain to function and write
because of the chaos of the week and the execution and everything
else. But as I write this I'm feeling a bit clearer headed. I'm happy
for the guys on the rest of the pod that have working televisions in
their day room as they finally got their stations changed from Fox
News, and right now they're watching Jurassic World. My
section's TV doesn't work so we're just staring at a blue screen.
Fun!
I
thought my friend John was getting a stay of execution today. They
moved him in on our section and then five minutes later moved him
back to A-Pod so we were all really confused and we still don't know
what is going on. Well...hopefully they will get our TV working some
time soon. It kind of sucks hearing TVs blast every where except on
our section. I heard a Star Wars commercial earlier and yelled
NOOOOOOO! Haha...It's my lot in life I suppose.
Courage.
Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
February
4th, 2023
I'm
starting this on a Saturday morning and it's like a ghost town with
only one Officer on the floor. They've been short handed of late and
so to fill the gap, Officers from other prison units in the region
use their over time to work here. I imagine that costs a pretty penny
for the state and I wonder if the state is footing the gas bill to
drive over here as well. To their credit they're trying to run more
recreation but inmates are still getting screwed over because the Off
Unit officers don't arrive until 9 or 10 am and then we will get a
lazy officer that works here.
I'll
give yesterday as an example. Rec. started at 11am and I went outside
for first round. It was lovely. A slight chill, but brilliant
sunshine and the air was fresh. I came back in a little after two.
Second round stayed out until after four. Third round received less
than two hours of rec. because everything has to be shut down before
second shift...because they are short handed as well! This leaves two
rounds of rec. incomplete and a whole bunch of showers that never
happened. Now with TV in the day rooms everyone wants to go and watch
a little tv....I'm no rocket scientist, but it goes without saying
that one way to mitigate these issues is to just allow the media app
on the tablets. Then, a lot of guys would say “screw rec” and
others will say, “screw rec and the TVs, I'll watch my own
content.” Simple solution!
I
feel like a hamster on a wheel these days because we are running
around in circles getting nowhere and even the supervisors know how
to mitigate the problems but no one can solve it because the higher
ups WON'T solve them. Is it any wonder why people are losing their
minds here or wanting to end it all? My patience is tested every day
and if I wasn't a master at compartmentalization I'd probably have
flown over the cuckoo's nest myself. Thank G-d for wonderful people
in my life to hold me up mentally and spiritually. I'm also good at
finding humor in crazy situations...when you see absurdity in life
and how it can be a comic farce and just laugh... its really
cathartic. For example...these new TVs have a default setting when
they are unplugged. No one knew that. It's been 23 years since death
row has had television. On Thursday after several days of non stop
Fox News torture, they were able to get the channels changed to TNT.
They watched Jurassic World and then Basketball. At 10.30pm the
Officer unplugged the TV. The next morning they plugged it back in
and it was back on Fox News! It stayed on there all day! I found it
funny for some reason. It figures that the default setting would he
Fox News! Fortunately, as I am typing this a trustee just showed up
with the remote control and put it on the movie station for the
working TVs and my section is stuck out. Its my lot in life, I
suppose. I was joking with my neighbors that Troop owes my section an
entire day of movies.
Well,
on with the day! I think lunch is on the other side of the pod. Its
10:25am now and I have a splitting headache and nothing is working. I
took an aspirin but its not working! Its now close to second shift
and I spent the day watching movies! I asked the guard if he'd keep
the section door open we could see the TV in D section and he said he
would, but would close it before shift change. I watched Secario part
one and then half of the Northman because I had date time with Taffy
at 3 pm watching a series on the Pando App, and after that I watched
Secario 2. Then the guard closed the door. I could listen on my radio
so it made it all the better. I just had to stand for five hours. The
torture I put my self for movies I've never seen. I really wanted to
see Everything And Every Where All At Once as it is the next movie
but I will probably have to just listen.
On
to a new day!
Courage.
Strength Hope and Faith
Peace
February 8th, 2023
As I write this it was another day without rec or showers. Well, they did showers yesterday but because I was out at rec until after six in the evening and 2nd shift was short handed I was screwed out of a shower. Five days now that I've had to bathe out of my sink.
With TVs in the day rooms now everyone wants to go to rec. to watch TV, especially on my side where the TV is working. Well, it was working on my section after a trustee ran a wire from a cell to the TV on Saturday and I watched a few movies, but some bozos today messed up the whole thing so now the TV isn't working again. I won't get into the rest of the craziness that will probably cause us to loses TV privileges that some idiots did as well. When they come to fix it all and see how screwed up it is ...well, we're going to be punished.
The crew we had working is another story altogether... I was waiting on recreation all day long and the only reason I made it is because the guy out in the day room was going to go in early after he exercises. While I was out two DC comic book movies were on: Suicide Squad and Justice League and they were awful! Bad CGI, bad acting. DC has nothing on Marvel. All of commercials were pure food porn. It was torture! Burger King, Pizza, Chicken... tacos... Commercials for super bowl food and snacks. I was jump roping, practically drooling!
At least the weekend was better though and the movie channel was on and this side of the pod enjoyed it. I can't really see the TV from my cell unless D section door is open so as I said, I watched a few movies. Secario 1 and 2 were great.. I did strain to see WaterBoy and gave it my best, but after that I was out of it.
The rumor mill is back at it saying the phone app will be on by the end of the week and now our hours are from 2pm to 8 pm....I don't know and really don't care anymore. I just want off of death row. I was on the verge of a full blown meltdown yesterday and I hate having that poison and anger in my system. I shouldn't have to pray for serenity...I just want peace.
It's later now and I did make it to rec. They started right before noon and I went outside for three hours. I still won't get a shower, though. Ugh. Well, tomorrow is CCA day so I'm going to keep positive and hopeful.
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
February 10th, 2023
Another day of
uncertainty. As I write this, it is Friday morning at 7:55 am and the
pod lights are off. It doesn't bode well for recreation today which
kind of stinks because my section goes outside and I love outside
days. Any chance for fresh air is a blessing.
So, the execution of my
friend, John Balentine, was depressing. I really believed he'd get a
stay and I had thought, as we all did back here, that the execution
was off. The news wasn't mentioning anything planned and then around
11am on Wednesday everything was shut down and I asked a guard what
was going on and she said Balentine's execution. Talk about a punch
in the gut. John was one of those guys that even the officers liked.
He was always smiling and joking and had this child like spirit about
him!. He was a big kid and I mean that in the best of ways. What
angered me most about his execution is the revelation of how racially
motivated and charged his case was...it doesn't excuse his crime, but
how do we allow a system to justify killing him simply because of
race? When his trial attorneys pass notes to each other saying it is
a justifiable lynching or the Jury foreman says their gonna kill that
n---- or else he'll do it himself. He had one of those cases that
activists love to rally behind and there wasn't a peep. That really
angered me. Justice, no matter how you paint it, should mean
fairness. I don't care if you hate the person and want them to rot in
hell for eternity. You should still want a system that is free of
racism, of revenge, that is a level playing field for both the state
and the defense. That is truly constitutional.
I'm always amazed how
so called originalists are so gung ho about the constitution but when
it best suits their agenda or means, they're willing to stretch, bend
or break it. The same can be said about their religious 'beliefs'.
The rest of the week,
thus far has been chaotic.
It's later now and they
have officially fixed all of the TVs on the pod and everyone on this
side is excited for movies and the Superbowl. It should be a fun
weekend. We had no rec. or showers today which sucked. If they do
have it tomorrow I'll be first out. We shall see.
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace.
February 12th, 2023
It's super bowl Sunday
and hard to believe that for me and others it will be the first super
bowl – and football game, for that matter – in 23 plus years.
Crazy!
The weekend has been
good. We watched movies all day long and by the end of a whole day
literally on my feet and at the door, except taking out some timefor
a date with my Taffy, I laid down and slept a solid 8 hours! We
watched so many movies! Aliens was a blast and there was a movie
called Deadlocked which had Bruce Willis as a villain getting revenge
for the death of his son, and it was super graphic violent. Plot wise
and cinematically it was a good movie but just too violent. I can
handle the over the top cartoonish stuff like in horror movies but
when it is portrayed to BE real it messes my head up.
They closed the night
off with Insidious part 1 and 2, but I went to sleep in part two.
These guys have decided to watch movies today until around 5 pm And
then put on the Superbowl. My section, in an attempt for fairness
wants to do a raffle tomorrow for TV days for each cell. So, the idea
is we'll write down the cells and then put them in a bag, drawing14
cells for 14 days. I'm in 57 cell. So, if my number comes up on a
Tuesday, when Tuesday comes I run the TV. The only exception is on
big event days like sport championships etc and everyone would agree
to put the TV on. It's a novel idea and we'll see how it turns out. I
do foresee problems and hurt feelings on certain days. especially on
weekends.
Well, today we watched
Avarice, which was good. Cosmic Dawn which was a weird throw back to
'80s style movie making but made no sense whatsoever. Though, the
sound track was awesome. Crimson Peak, a scary movie beautifully
shot, was decent but one I'd like to closer examine on a deeper view.
Then before football was a weird but excellent art house indie horror
called Bones And All. It was so good! Its now later, loud with
football on... I'm tired from being on my feet all day.
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace
February
15th, 2023
I'll
begin this with an alert for anyone that uses Securus for emessages
or the phone app. It was announced on the prison radio station, The
Tank, that there are people running a scam by acting as a
representative from Securus saying that an inmate's account has been
suspended and to reactivate it for calls and messaging you need to
pay a fee over the phone or email. THIS IS SCAM!!! No one from
Securus will ever contact you and ask for money so please be
careful!!!
So,
today we were told that recreation is no longer every day but every
other day...well, that didn't last long. I woke up early to get ready
and then was told there was no rec. So, I exercised in my cell.
Thankfully, they did showers. They kept the TVs on but you know,
other than weekends or a really good movie during the week, there is
no day time content that catches my attention. My section as a whole
seems to be hooked on the show Supernatural though. It seems
like they watch 8 hours of that every day. I'm looking forward to
this holiday weekend and plenty of movies.
Nothing
else has been going on. Been a pretty boring day.
Courage
Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.
February 20th, 2023
As I write this it is early Monday morning and not a creature is stirring, not even cockroaches. It's Presidents Day and today is my TV day from the drawing we did for days on our section. Sadly, though, I think after this cycle ends it will go to majority vote wins because the dude Friday started a fight with everyone. I stayed out of it because I'm a sojourner, a vagabond moving from section to section. Anyways, today is my day and while I wouldn't mind watching the movie channel all day long, I put it to a few people if they were cool with a Star Wars marathon to be diplomatic about it and surprisingly they wanted a Star Wars marathon and that is where it is going! On top of that, field minister Troop should be here with the big flat screens for a movie as well, or that is what he said on Friday when I last talked to him.
It was a good movie channel weekend, though. Black Panther was good, but the best movie of the weekend was a movie called High Heat. I almost bailed on it because the beginning was all about a female chef on her opening restaurant night. But...it turns out this was no ordinary chef! It turned into a really clever, snappy quick witted Quinton Tarantino type movie. It was great. I love snappy dialogue.
I also reflected on how there have been so many deaths in the past month, with Hank Skinner being the latest after he passed away from complications of a brain tumor. Then, Troop told me Friday that two guys back here received word from their attorneys they will soon receive dates for an execution. All of these things remind us of the reality of this place. Texas is in the business of killing and to them, business is a booming. As I wrote that the officer just turned the tv on. She was surprised when I asked for TNT and not the movie channel as all of the other sections had and I said, " Its all about Star Wars today!" They cut our recreation days back to just three days a week with two days being inside and one day outside. I guess they feel that TVs remedy that but you have to then consider what do those who can't see the TVs do? More importantly, we have an ageing death row with many man that have poor eye sight or conditions that don't allow them to stand very long. 23 years of being in solitary confinement and limited movement/ exercise and the body deteriorates. Are they expected to stand at their door all day? I'm in fairly decent shape for a 45 year old. I force myself to stay active, but it takes a lot of will power to not get into a state of inactivity. Still, standing at the door all day, straining to see through chicken wire is no easy feat. What is the remedy for those who can't watch tv but would love to?
Well, it is after noon now and the Star Wars marathon has begun. Nine hours of pure unadulterated geekery.
Courage Strength Hope and Faith.
Peace.
February 22nd, 2023
As I write this it's
early Wednesday morning. I'm doing okay, just figuring out my day.
They've gone back to limited recreation so today is one of those days
I'm stuck in the cell and just have to get through it. It is also the
day the CCA releases rulings and so I have the anxiety of that as I
listen to the news or check the legal app. What's cool about that is
you can see rulings almost immediately after they are posted. I can
put in my name specifically or the date and there it is. So, we'll
see what happens through out the day.
I'm livid because I
just heard some Texas republican introduced a bill here to remove
polling stations from universities and schools during elections. Do
these people have any shame? Also Ken Paxton wants Texas tax payers
to foot his personal legal bills. Really, the irony is these people
lambaste criminals when they are criminals themselves.
Yesterday was a mad
house of a day. Complete chaos. I ended up going outside when a space
opened with a mentally impaired guy who doesn't speak English very
well and no one else wanted to be outside with. It turned out to be a
blessing because I learned that in the two months he has had his
tablet he has never been able to use it. Apparently his login number
doesn't work and so I told him I'd get him some help to use it. He
told me his lawyer put money on his debit and he has the 25 dollars
we all received when we first received our tablet and he has never
even read any of his messages! The poor guy probably has a ton of
them. I wrote the chaplaincy last night to see if I could get a
Spanish speaking field minister to come down and get him some help.
Sometimes we end up in places we don't expect for the right reasons.
On Monday I spent the
whole day watching the newer Star Wars trilogy. It was a long day but
well worth it! We had the movie channel on over the weekend and I was
able to see the Black Panther and Black Widow which were both really
good! But the best movie that took me by surprise was one called High
Heat! It starts off about this woman chef opening her own restaurant.
Her husband is in debt with some crime boss and so they come to burn
down the place which was a bad mistake because it turns out she's an
ex KGB spy who defected and is total badass. The movie was really
funny and smart, too. In just two weeks I've seen so many movies it's
not even funny. I just realised I probably wrote that in a weekend
journal, but hey, it is worth repeating.
I think spring is here
early. It has been in the 80's and lovely. They even turned the air
on. I have a feeling it is going to be a scorcher of a summer. We
still don't have the phone app and no one knows what's up with that.
But Field minister Troop just showed up to show a movie on the big
screens and said we should have the podcast app soon. We shall see.
The movie he is showing is called Gray Man.
Just watched the movie.
It was so so. I don't really recommend it. He had some other movies
which would have been far better to watch. Still, seeing movies on a
big screen is better than straining to see a movie at a far distance
in the day room! My section decided to come together and try the
raffle for tv days again with some clear cut rules. It almost fell
apart last week but for now we put out some parameters in place so
people won't get angry. Or have hurt feelings. If I don't get moved I
pulled the weekend which that's twice now I got movie days at the
weekend! Somebody get me a lotto ticket, I'm hot! When I was a kid I
always won raffles. I think the gift is back! I've won transformers
toys, a scooter, a tool kit, amongst other things. And now two weeks
in a row I pull movie days!
Courage Strength Hope
and Faith
Peace
February 27th, 2023
It's Monday and I'm doing my best to keep busy, positive and focused. It isn't the tv that is a distraction. I don't stand at my door and watch tv unless there is a movie I want to see. Other than that, I have no interest. I am going to watch Thor: Ragnorok in a little while because I've never seen it, but I've not watched anything else today. Saturday they did recreation and when I was in the day room I watched an old 70' s movie called Savannah Smiles. It was sooo corny but I still watched it. When I came back in I caught up on some things, did some chores and then went to a visit with a friend that evening. It was super crowded and I'm not a fan of crowds, but I'll take getting out of my cell any time.
It was good to see my friend and I was able to see some of my friends I never see anymore from A pod. They told me they were all rooting for me and hoping I was off of death row soon. That meant a lot to me. A crazy thing, though, is they put plexi-glass over the mess of the booths that the inmates sit in making it really hot. I asked why they did that and the guard said because of the law suit siting lack of privacy during legal visits. I said, 'That's dumb...there's no privacy on the attorney side! It's completely open so other people can still eaves drop or hear conversations.' That is TDCJ for you!
On Sunday I pretty much stood at the door and watched movies all day long. We watched Twister, Avengers End Game, Ready Player One, and Mortal Kombat, I tapped out on that one because I was tired and some dude was being really disrespectful blasting his homemade speaker over the movie. There's no recreation today but at least I've been to the shower.
In two more weeks it'll be 90 days since my Judge's recommendation for a new trial went before the CCA. It typically takes about 90 days but it can take longer. Going forward, every week is going to be nerve wrecking! But I have hope and a lot of cautious optimism. I could definitely use prayers though. It is now the afternoon and I'm waiting for the officer to turn our television on. I'd really like to see the movie Thor: Ragnorok so I hope it will be on by then. Actually, I hope to get off of this section soon. It has the worst energy of the entire pod. There's just a heavy blanket of negativity that hangs over it. I've taken to yelling out "Someone get me outta here!" at random times for comedic effect.
They finally turned the tv on. I had dozed off listening to some chill music on The Tank and was out. Next thing I knew, the tv blasting away woke me back up. At least they got it on. And the day is pretty much over!
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace.