August 31st, 2024
I wanted to start with
this quote: "Humility leads to strength and not weakness. It is
the highest form of self respect to admit mistakes and to make amends
for them" - John J. McCloy (I learned this in my Bridges To Life
class)
Wow, this month really
flew by. I don't even know what happened! Not that it was even an
eventful month. I kind of fell into a little depression a couple of
weeks ago getting caught up in the wait on the courts, but I'm past
that now and Taffy gave me really good advice that I'm taking to
heart...the ruling will come whenever it comes. I can't let the wait
get me stuck in a rut and I just need to put my head into activities
that will both pass my time usefully and keep me from worrying about
things out of my control, and so that is what I'm trying to do. Of
course I have my classes and that helps considerably.
We'll probably go on
lock down for the fall shake down in the next couple of weeks so that
will put things on hold, so if that happens I decided to start
writing some bits and pieces for a couple of screen play ideas that
have been stewing around in my head. One of them is an action comedy
that I'm calling 99-1 and another, a horror called Goose Creek,
loosely based on my time at boarding school in Kentucky. My original
idea for that was a straight up monster movie, but I came up with a
much better, smarter idea based around a ghost story we used to tell
that supposedly happened at the school. I've also got a sort of sci
fi idea inspired by a Cure song called Grinding Halt but that has
been a little tricky working out in my head. I keep thinking of that
movie, Night Of The Comet, and I want to pay homage to it but not rip
it off.
This past week Kevin
Rambsy of FightToForgive.com visited one of our classes and he came
to my door and we talked for a good amount of time. He's quite
remarkable and I'm really inspired by him and his walk in compassion
and forgiveness. He asked if I'd be interested in helping develop
some ideas and share my story with his platform and that really meant
a lot to me. We talked a good bit about the idea of surrendering
yourself and allowing G-d to be the driving force in a person's life
which I've worked hard on. Sometimes you just have to get out of your
own way when your own way isn't working. Surrendering is scary,
because it means that you're allowing something outside of yourself
to take the wheel. That's not always easy for a neurotic person like
me, but I also know when I try to do things myself or bull doze my
way through the universe, it often leads to a a bunch of problems. I
am trying something different this time around.
I can't believe I'm
turning 47 years old in two weeks. I can't even believe I'm still
around to see 47 years of life! So strange. I'm grateful, obviously,
but it does make me think about what my purpose is. Why I'm still
here. I know I want to live a life in service to others and it would
be the most amazing gift to have that opportunity. Kevin said it
sounds like it could be my calling and I hope that it is. I hope I
get that chance.
So, into another month
we go and fall is almost here! The best season of them all. It's a
holiday weekend here and they've got some new movies on this weekend.
I'm most looking forward to watching A Quiet Place: Day One...I hope
it's good!
Courage. Strength. Hope
And Faith
Peace
August 18th, 2024
I hadn't intended on
letting the month slip by without doing any writing but it has been a
busy month, and when I woke up this morning and realised that the
month only had two weeks left to it I was like, crap! I need to write
something!
Time and a dash of
anxiety are on my mind this morning because of a legal visit I had on
Friday which made me think it is possible that a CCA ruling could
come down any week now. The way one of my attorneys had explained it
made a lot of practical sense, even if that court rarely acts
practically, but basically the way he explained it was that because
three seats will change in January to newly elected Judges (yes, the
CCA is an elected position in Texas) it was unlikely the court would
stall things out for them to come aboard because that would be even
more time wasted as they reviewed the recommendation for a new trial.
So, that brings my time frame between now and early December. My
lawyer said we could probably whittle it down even more because the
month of October and going into November had several executions
scheduled and those last minute filings usually take precedence over
other appeals before the court so they probably would want to address
an almost two year old recommendation for a new trial before that.
That puts us in a time frame between now and October at the earliest,
December at the latest, and just thinking about the idea that a
ruling could come down fills me with anxiety and nervous energy. This
has been going on since October of 2019 and for a court that
routinely complains about appeals taking too long, every single delay
has been at THEIR hand. Not ours. I asked him if he thought they'd
roll the dice in denying my appeal to see what this ultraconservative
Supreme Court would do and he said anything is possible but unlikely
just because of how strong the Supreme Court has been on religious
freedom. It would be an embarrassment to the CCA to be slapped down
for not doing the right thing. So, I'm being cautiously optimistic.
In the meantime I've
been keeping busy in my classes, working on my music show that I do
Friday nights and doing positive things. The inmate that runs the
radio station, Ramy, aka Megamind asked me to tell people about the
Polunsky FB page where people can see pictures and videos of many of
the positive programs and events going on at the prison as well as
things from the radio station, so check that out! If you write to
prisoners in Texas encourage them to either ask for some of these
programs on their unit or get involved in what is offered. These
programs have the ability to transform lives! I dare a person not to
cry watching the video of a guy here who hadn't hugged his parents in
over a decade because he was always getting in trouble until he
decided to do the new MBS ( Mind Body Soul ) curriculum which focuses
on mental health and restoration of those someone hurts, spiritual
health ( for whatever your faith is ) and physical health. Anyways, I
suggest people go and check that out. We're hoping that one of these
days The Tank will have permission to stream the station on the
Polunsky page. That would be awesome.
So, tomorrow I have my
Bridges To Life class which is pretty intense. We're on week 9 and
the subject of repentance. In the opening page of the text book it
says, "Repentance is more than a change of mind or feeling sorry
for oneself..." I agree wholeheartedly. Each week we have to
watch a video of a victim sharing their story and it can be really
heart breaking. My only complaint of this class is I wish some of the
others taking it would take it seriously. Some don't even pay
attention and it shows in the open dialogue segment of our class
where we are encouraged to comment on the subject or share our
stories.
Hopefully I wont lose
track of time again and I can do more journals!
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace
July 13th, 2024
It's 7:21pm on a
Saturday night ( should have started this at 10:15 ...haha) and I'm
laying in bed listening to the movie IT on The Tank. I don't know why
I like this movie so much but I really do. I think it's because it
reminds me of being a kid in the '80s and I was definitely a member
of the Loser Club. They play the audio to movies each evening at 6pm
for guys that are visually impaired or don't have access to
television. On our TV the Godfather trilogy is on and you'd think
that being a student of film I'd like those movies, but I've always
found them a bit 'meh'. They're not horrible, I've just never thought
they were all that great. Now tomorrow I'll be watching movies most
of the day. Especially the new movies Furiosa and Fancy Dance.
Well, it's been a long
stressful week after we were hit by Hurricane Beryl (who names these
things?) and we lost power for 3 1/2 days! Most of the weather
predictions initially had Beryl hitting the coastal area then dumping
a bunch of rain on most of south east Texas. Sunday we had some light
rain as well as early Monday morning, and looking outside, it didn't
look like it'd get much worse. As the morning progressed the rain
picked up as did the wind and we lost power for about 5 minutes. It
wasn't until after noon that things really got rocking and rolling
and the wind became ferocious! I looked outside of my window to see
the storm and could see the stadium perimeter lights swaying back and
forth as well as a big tree that stands behind a building about
thirty feet from my window. I've watched this tree grow over the
years and was quite worried for the fella! At around 1:30 pm the
power went out and we all hoped that it would come back on soon. I
grabbed my tablet and while the WiFi was down I could still access my
radio on it and all of the Livingston stations were out as well. I
knew then that it was quite serious.
Tuesday was expected to
have temperatures in the high 90s and with no working air we were
going to be miserable. When Tuesday came I tried to catch news
updates as best as I could being mindful of my battery. One of the
Livingston radio stations were up and running off of generators and
they said the damage in the town was extensive and power could be out
anywhere from two days to two weeks because many of the substations
were blown. The heat was miserable and the nights were filled with a
lot of tossing and turning because I was drenched in sweat. It sucked
so bad and I tried to make jokes about it saying things like, "I
don't know how they did it in the old days...they were definitely
made of tougher stuff!"
The sack meals were
paltry as well. One lunch was two slices of cheese and four slices of
bread! Tempers were starting to flare and we prayed the power would
come back on soon. Wednesday after noon we lost complete access to
everything on the tablet and I could no longer get news updates so at
that point we were completely cut off from the outside which is not a
good feeling at all. I had no way of knowing if the CCA had made a
ruling as well which made me anxious.
Thursday started off
miserable again and we did our best to get through the day when later
that evening the power came back on and everyone shouted out cheers
of relief. When that air conditioning came back on it was the best
feeling in the world and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed, turn
on the fan and sleep, and did I!
I've spent the last
couple of days catching up on things, doing laundry and getting back
into my normal routine. It's crazy even in this life here,the things
we take for granted.
That's been pretty much
the gist of it. Now it's time to chill for the evening until I'm
tired.
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace
June 30th, 2025
It's an early Sunday
morning as I write this...the movie The Minions is blasting on the tv
in the back ground and while I'm not really watching it because the
tv is still messed up, listening to the gibberish of the minions does
have me in a light mood all things considered.
It's been a rough
couple of weeks....there was an execution, and then we went on lock
down...all coupled with the heat. It's not that we don't have air
conditioning or we're even suffering like the guys in General
Population, but the air is a trickle and the walls get really hot so
it does add to the already existing irritation of the environment. I
think in recent weeks everyone has been a little on edge and
irritated...even worried because they are setting numerous execution
dates and there are guys that have exhausted appeals for years now
and they are worried that there number is almost up. All it would
take is Someone like the Attorney General's Office or even a really
aggressive victims rights organization to start putting pressure on a
place like Harris County which hasn't really been aggressive with
dates, and that would be a wrap on so many men... Of course, many of
us knew these days would come. Covid allowed for a lull and the
bigger more liberal counties just don't have a stomach for it
anymore, but it's easy to forget that no matter how liberal the DA is
in these counties, it's still Texas and Texas is still a very pro
death penalty state with a lunatic, blood thirsty Governor and Bat
crap crazy Attorney General. It was only a matter of time.
The execution of Romero
Gonzalez was a hard hit for many. I personally didn't know him all
that well, but I can testify to his transformation and his dedication
to his faith in the end. When he got here he was a really sheisty
dude and screwed many people over. But over the years he went from
being one of the least liked guys on death row to one of the most
liked people by both inmates and guards. His walk in Christianity was
sincere and I think if you read his last words it is proof of that.
He spent years trying to make amends to those he hurt either in the
free world or back here.
Then they hit us with a
lock down and said they would start shaking death row down every 90
days again. We were under the impression that was over with but
apparently not. It caught a lot of people off guard because usually
when you expect it you can stock up on supplies that you need in
advance. So, there are a lot of hungry guys! Our first sack meal was
two itty bitty biscuits that I jokingly asked the guard 'are these
biscuits or triscuits?', a half frozen small bean burrito and a spoon
of peanut butter. Yummy! Fortunately, it's improved a little with hot
trays since yesterday. Then, of course, there is the never ending
wait on the CCA... it's gotta come one of these days, right? It's
been almost two years to the day that I was back in Dallas for my
hearings and you'd think as hell bent on attorneys not delaying
things out for the courts, they'd not drag things out but I guess
they have a 'do as we say, not as we do' kind of mindset.
Well, here's to going
into July with some hope and positivity that good things will happen.
In spite of difficult times, I do remain optimistic.
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace
June 20th, 2024
I'm feeling a bit
better today because there was finally recreation! It's been a week
since I was last able to get out of the cell and for some reason it
really irritated me and had me more agitated than it normally would.
I mean, I'm always restless being trapped in an itty bitty cell
twenty four hours out of the day, but of late.. it's really gotten to
me. Probably because I'm also waiting on that court ruling and just
stuck here. Yeah, I know. Boo hoo. I did it to myself. Believe me, I
know.
Rec. was nice and I
talked with some guys around me and walked around in circles for a
bit to stretch my legs out. After that, I was able to go straight to
the shower so it all feels like a reset of sorts.
Yesterday was the
Juneteenth holiday and I watched movies all afternoon. We finally got
a replacement television...And as excited as I was to see some of the
newer movies, none of them were that good. I didn't expect much from
Godzilla vs. Kong...haha...but I thought the Fall Guy and Boy Kills
World might be worth checking out and they just weren't. In Fact, the
Fall Guy was horrible and I wanted it to be good because there was a
popular 80's tv show with a similar title that I always watched with
my best friend, Chad, as kids. We loved the Fall Guy. The only thing
in the movie that they kept from the tv show was the truck the main
character drove. At least they kept it badass. After the movies were
over I went to bed to do it all over again today! I'm going to watch
Yellowstone 1923 tonight.
Yesterday there were
lots of reports that this area of Texas was going to get pounded by a
tropical storm and while it did rain, it wasn't all that bad in
Livingston. In fact, it blew over really quickly and now today is
hot, sticky and humid. The worst kind of Texas heat there is in these
parts!
So,the big thing in
death penalty news today was that there was a guy that used to be on
Death Row a couple of decades ago. He had always said he was innocent
and while the CCA commuted his sentence to life, they would never
exonerate him and today the court finally acknowledged his innocence
and cleared his name. It is sad that it has taken him decades of his
life and just highlights the flaws in both the Criminal Court of
Appeals and the Texas justice system...one our great Governor always
flouts as perfect. Here's the irony...the Governor granted clememcy
to an actual racist murderer who killed a Black Lives Matter
protestor a year after his convictions while another man who really
was innocent had to fight for decades to prove his innocence. That is
the state of things in Texas these days. In light, of the good news,
though, it is scary that they seem to be setting more and more
execution dates.
Oh good God! I just
nearly crapped my pants! So, one of the things we do to keep the
noise down on the TVs is to plug a head phone cord into it and then
everyone runs a wire to tap into that and listen in their cells.
Otherwise it is just a cacophony of noise and chaos as three TVs
compete for sound. Well, we got a life coach to do it a few minutes
ago and the tv screen blanked out and then went to just half of the
screen! I yelled, "Stop! what are you doing? What hole did you
put it in?" He said he didn't know and so I told him to unplug
the tv and reset it, and meanwhile I was praying in my head, 'please
G-d...don't let this dude have blown up the tv we just got it!' I
literally started to shake with fear! Why? Because everyone would
have held me responsible because it was my idea to ask him..Thank
goodness when it reset everything was fine. Now we're all wondering
what hole he plugged it into!
And that therein lies
my crazy day!
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace
June 17th, 2024
Today there has been a
bit of excitement and chaos because B pod on death row was visited by
a man named Kevin Rambsy and his family. Kevin runs a ministry called
Fight To Forgive @ FightToForgive.com all about victim reconciliation
His story is quite remarkable as he was stabbed 37 times and left to
die after a home invasion. He learned to forgive his attacker, even
visiting him in prison and has dedicated his life to reaching out to
inmates so that they can find a path to forgiveness. I highly suggest
people reaching out to his ministry and supporting it because it's
his kind of work that leads to less recidivism in prisons and
criminal justice reform.
After that I was a bit
worn out and restless because we just don't get recreation anymore.
We get one day of Rec. per week and almost never get outside - even
on the days they have the officers to run it, like today when there
were five officers working. It's very frustrating at times.
We don't have class
this week because of the speaker today and Wednesday being a holiday
and that usually keeps my mind occupied and not feeling anxious and
restless. Well, at least there are some new movies on Wednesday. I
can look forward to that. I watched a really good movie called Cherry
last night.
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace
June 14th, 2024
It's been a busy busy
day...I'm completely tanked but have to make it to my music show at
9pm that I host host and curate on the Polunsky Unit radio station,
The Tank. I'm on my 23rd week of hosting and I have to say that my
song picks tonight are banging! I like to show the many different sub
styles of Alternative music so I might go all chick bands one night,
go indie another night, shoe gaze, grunge, new wave, industrial or
post punk. Sometimes I just focus on a single artist. Its just cool
to fulfil a dream of mine.
Well, the day started
off early. Field Minister Gary showed up to set up everything for our
Anger Management class graduation. After he had the equipment set up
he stopped by my cell and we talked about how Texas was getting back
into executions full swing and he said it was affecting him and I
told him that he should take a day off after the next one to
decompress and process everything. These guys are inmates having to
deal with seeing inmate after inmate live on death watch and leave to
be executed. When I was on death watch facing my own execution, I
watched countless men leave and never come back. You cannot be human
if that doesn't affect you. We don't have a grief counsellor to go
to. We only have ourselves. He appreciated my advice and then a guest
speaker showed up a little after 8am. I thought this guy would speak
for a few minutes, congratulate us and go but he went on and on. It
started out on topic...thanked us for our hard work, congratulations,
etc and then he went on 2 1/2 hour tirade about homosexuality, drag
queens, the education system, illegal immigrants and the destruction
of America's moral fiber and I kept thinking, "My God....I
didn't sign up to attend a Trump rally! What does this have to do
with anger management class?" Actually, I think dude needs to
take it himself! After being subjected to that we received our
certificate and a church donated free world meals! We had fried
chicken, Spanish rice and refried beans! They also provided meals for
all of the Officer's as well,which was kind. I was stuffed! I did
feel guilty not being able to share with the guys around me, but at
least I was able to share pizza the other day.
After that Troop and
Gary went to ask the Captain if they could set up a big screen tv in
our day room for the weekend because we didn't have a tv. They came
back and said she had said no and I was really annoyed and thought,
what is the big deal?...Why are they giving us such grief over
wanting to have our tv fixed and filing grievances? My mind was
already plotting my next course of action in response when the
maintenance lady came in to mount a brand new tv for us. So, that
issue has fully been resolved and my section is happy to have a new
tv that works properly. I even said, 'See...my grievance paid off in
the end!' and everyone told me to go sit down...haha.
Yesterday was a busy
day as well with an all day attorney visit that went really well and
I continue to feel positive about things, even if it takes forever.
When I get frustrated at the wait I think, well...I wouldn't have
completed these courses, done this or done that and racked up
accomplishments etc. So, it goes back to the old adage that
everything does happen for a reason.
I'm looking forward to
watching some movies this weekend and relaxing a bit because I'm
exhausted after these past couple of days!
Courage. Strength.
Hope. and Faith.
Peace
June 12th, 2024
Today marks 21 years of
my time here on Death Row. It was June 12, 2003 that a jury sentenced
me to death and I can still remember every detail of that day from
being whisked out of the court room, appeal papers shoved in my face
to sign, court clothes removed, stripped searched, given a bright
orange jumper, shackled and escorted quickly under machine gun and
thrown into the back of a police cruiser, escorted by a swat team,
and then the drive to Huntsville, Texas for processing, and turned
over to the Texas Department of Criminal Justice. Processed in, head
shaven clean by clippers, thrown into a white van and driven to
Livingston, Texas to the Polunsky Unit.
The guards brought me
to B pod 8 cell...the exact same cell I'm currently living in and I
must say the day has been a flood of memories. Everything happened so
quickly that day that I really didn't have a chance to process it
all, and spent several days after in a state of disbelief. I was also
surprised at how nice and welcoming the other death row prisoners
were to me that it defied all of the scary movies and sensational
portrayals of death row.
And here I still am.
Alive. Defying the statistical odds of survival for someone on Texas
Death Row. I can remember when I was told that I'd probably not live
past 6-8 years. Crazy... Today was also CCA opinions day and it
appears I'm waiting yet another week ( probably several more weeks
because next Wednesday is a holiday) without a court decision on
whether or not I'll be granted a new trial. I can't believe it is
taking this long for a decision and then I think to myself, what's
another week when I've waited 21 years. I'm alive, I've much to be
grateful for in spite of everything and I'm getting an opportunity to
take classes and prepare and better myself for what I hope is another
chance at life. I can't complain about that. In fact, today I
graduated my 9 month BSF class, received my certificate and the
instructor gave the few of us that completed the course a pizza,
pastry and bag of candy. That was a nice treat! I ended up sharing
the pizza with my neighbors because it was too much for one person
and it is such a rare treat I couldn't justify keeping it all for
myself. I mean, when I first came here 21 years ago all of these
strangers pitched in to give me commissary, writing supplies,
toiletries etc.. Sharing pizza is a nice way to reflect on that.
Friday, I graduate my anger management class. It'll be amazing to
have two more certificates to add to my growing list of
accomplishments over the years. I think I've earned the right to be
proud of myself.
Tomorrow I have a legal
visit so it'll be nice to get out and talk to my attorney. As the
evening winds down I'll probably spend it watching some TED talks as
I usually do each evening and there's an interesting looking
documentary on the Pando app called Juneteenth : Faith and Freedom,
which is about the history of the holiday. It looks really well
produced so I'll watch that. Pando is primarily religious content but
they have some interesting programs that I check out from time to
time. I'm surprised at how progressive much of it is. There's some
questionable stuff that certain viewpoints contribute, but most of it
is kosher. That's it for today!
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith
Peace
June 11th, 2024
I'm back...sorry for
the long hiatus. I just find it difficult to write about anything at
all these days because it feels like I'm just repeating the same old
thoughts and saying the same old things.
I suppose I could tell
you about my tv exploits and how trying to get the section's
television fixed has become a living nightmare of epic proportions
and has now turned into a good vs. evil between my section and the
lady over maintenance. I was going to let it go until she said, and I
quote, "We need to stop whining because we should all be dead
anyways." Long story short....I helped my section file a
grievance to have the television reset because the image was
compressed making it difficult for some guys to see. We didn't know
they'd remove the tv and it would take up to six weeks to be reset!
The section then got mad at me for helping them and so I tried to get
us a replacement tv. The maintenance lady blocked that saying I
should have never written a grievance and this is what we get. It
then escalated after her comment about us dying took it to a whole
other level. What's crazy is that they would waste time and resources
to send a tv to Huntsville, Texas for something that only requires a
remote control and reset code. It would probably be cheaper to
replace the television! So, that's where this story begins and I hope
to end it in victory! To be continued.
Meanwhile, I'm still
waiting on the CCA to make its ruling on whether or not I'll receive
a new trial. I've been doing my best to keep busy and I continue to
take classes. I've just completed two classes - BSF ( Bible Study
Fellowship) and an Anger management course. The BSF graduation is
tomorrow when I will receive my certificate and Friday I will receive
my Anger management certificate. Currently I'm taking two other
classes, one which is a bit difficult because I fundamentally
disagree with the instructor's viewpoint on his definition of being a
man...The class is called “Authentic Manhood.” The other, which
is both amazing and emotionally difficult, is Bridges For Life. It
focuses on victims reconciliation, seeing how crime impacts everyone
involved and then a possible pathway to forgiveness. We are expected
to be fully engaged and to take this class seriously. We start every
class with two videos from a victim's perspective and it can be hard
on the soul to listen to but it's a must. This is a class that I
really wanted to take. Even if I can't complete it, should I receive
a new trial, I will complete it later because I feel it is a crucial
class for me on my pathway to becoming a life coach.
In between all of this
life has just been...the same ol' same ol'. I'm ready for a new
chapter because I think it will give me both a new perspective and
new experiences to write about. I dread a trial, but I'm in desperate
need of new experiences. Being stuck in this limbo is really
beginning to take its toll on me and it really does feel like the
movie "Ground Hog Day" minus the Cher and Sonny Bono. But
I'll get there...eventually. Actually, on Thursday I have a legal
visit so maybe I'll get some good news!
Anyways, I'll do my
best to write more frequently (Taffy is giving me swift kicks to get
it in gear and I fear the swift kicks!)
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith
Peace