January 3rd, 2024
So...yesterday marked the end to the holidays and a big surprise for those of us who got up early for rec, just in case it was happening. The officer working the floor went into each day room at six in the morning and dropped a piece of paper on the table, and when someone asked what that was all about he said, " New rec. schedule" and walked off. They didn't start rec. until a little after 8am and the first guy out read it and I could see from his body language it wasn't good and so I asked what the schedule was. He said they had cut our rec. down to just two days for each section. One day inside and one day outside...which meant that the other five days we're trapped in the cell. Out of seven days we get out of our cell for a total of four hours...granted there is always the possibility of extra time at rec. with lazy officers....but still. We were not happy.
Since being here in 2003 we've gone from rec. every day and as the years ticked by and people stopped working in prisons which started even before the pandemic, we're now down to almost no rec. at all. I wrote in my epic new years journal about the looming crisis Texas prisons face and this is just the prologue... And there isn't much in regards to no rec. that anyone can do because no staff affects security and security gives carte blanche to limit movement, recreation, not do showers etc. It sucks...but it is the reality of the situation and we've no choice but to accept that. BUT there are reasonable solutions that TDCJ CAN consider and implement that present no threat to security. Things that mitigate a lack of recreation or being able to get out of the cell... It's simple: Access to more content on the tablet such as the available pod cast, news paper app and media app. The first one is free to inmates and offers myriad educational and shows for those that can't afford anything else. The other two come at a cost, but only to the prisoner. That would give people more to do in their cells instead of go crazy or become a powder keg of frustration. Even if you hate death row prisoners or just prisoners in general you've got to see the potential risks to all involved when there are no other outlets for a person locked up in a cell 24/7...If you are fiscally minded think about the additional costs for prison health care both mentally and physically. Think about the risk to staff if an inmate blows or has a mental break down. What if an inmate attempts to take their own life and they have to rush them to the hospital which requires additional staff to leave the unit to escort the inmate... There's a guy back here that used to go by "Big Cat"... We used to play basketball, work out together, have conversations about politics,comic books,movies etc. The pandemic hit and that time being trapped in his cell indefinitely broke him. It broke a few dudes...but he has mentally slipped more than others. He now goes by " Big Chief Sky Wolf " and claims to be the prophesied last great indigenous Chief to all of the Native American tribes. He chants loudly at all times of the day and believes that his neighbor is trying to electrocute him through his table...He is a shell of the person he used to be. Yesterday at rec. he told me learned fluent Hebrew and then began to speak gibberish. It hurt my heart to see what has happened to him and others. All many of us are asking is just to have a fraction of what those serving a capital life sentence have at no risk to security. That's all...
So, it's been no rec. today but at least they did showers...
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith
Peace
January 7th, 2024
It's been a stressful weekend worrying that my tablet is about to bite the dust. The trouble started Friday afternoon when before I went to the shower I plugged in my charger. When I came back from the shower I looked at my tablet and noticed the percentage hadn't changed. That has happened before and sometimes the barrel connector just needs a little jiggle and it'll kick in. Its not like we have a name brand tablet and charger...it isn't even a USB charger, its a cheap clear plastic charger with one of those ends on it that you see with certain appliances. Well, the jiggle didn't work and the tablet still wouldn't charge. I was now worried the charger was broken but my neighbor offered to try it out on his and so I sent it to him to test on his tablet and it was working fine. He sent me his charger and it wouldn't work on mine and my heart sank because it meant it was something to do with tablet itself. Now, if it was an easy process to get a replacement tablet it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but it is a nightmare because it can take weeks even months for Securus to do anything. All of our communication is solely digital now. So, if the tablet runs out of juice before I can get a replacement I'll be dependent upon the mail room to print up copies of messages which I've heard from a couple of guys who have had to replace their tablets that it's a task in and of itself. Whoever said technology makes life easier is a liar...it only adds a whole lot of unnecessary stress when it doesn't work right!
Anyways, tomorrow is Monday so I'll begin my campaign to get a replacement tablet. Saturday was spent catching up on things until three then I paused for a bit to spend some time with Taffy. We do it several times a week just to be doing the same thing at the same time because it keeps us connected in the moment and it's nice as well. I listened to the classic rock show on The Tank until four then I settled in to watch some movies on the section tv. I missed the first Paranormal Activity movie but watched part two and three which were surprisingly better than I expected. It took me almost 24 years to see Blair Witch Project and I thought it was just so so...They did much better with the P A movies... After that we watched an action thriller with Liam Neeson and then an action movie called Dead Lock. Another movie came on after that but I was running on empty and hit the hay sleeping all the way until 7:30am, and I feel all the better for it.
In this new week they are supposed to be shifting some guys who will no longer participate in classes and bring some new people in who do want to do it. I have a feeling I'll probably be shifted to another cell as well just because I've been in my current cell since the and of June. I've got prime real estate in terms of a view to the tv so it's possible I could be moved to a cell with a bad view...but we'll see. I love my movies but it won't kill me if I can't see them. I just hope I don't get moved to B section...there are a couple of guys over there that really test a person's patience so being far removed from them is a blessing.
Well, here's to a new week with hope for good things. We shall see. Foot ball is on now which I don't care about unless the Cowboys play so I'm going to listen to some Star Wars marathon!
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace
January 11th, 2024
I had intended to do a journal yesterday but with tablet issues (now resolved...more on that in a bit) and monitoring the CCA for a ruling yesterday I was out of gas by the end of the day and my brain was dead. Wednesdays can be so exhausting because I start the day off full of prayers, hope and positivity... meet up with Taffy at 8am in spirit for either a cup of cocoa or what I call a good luck root beer which we both love, say another prayer or even climb up on my bed and look out the window and the front side walk of Polunsky visualising the Dallas Sheriff's Deputies walking me to their van as they did the summer of '21 and '22. So, by the time the court rulings are posted on the legal app, I'm like a tightly wound ball of nerves.
When the disappointment of no ruling sinks in it is like a balloon losing air. I've got to take a deep breath and refocus and go through another week and do it all again. It's both frustrating and disappointing but I suck it up and keep trucking. In G-ds time, right? There is something I'm supposed to do or learn that will eventually reveal itself and I'll think, as I have many times before when I go through something I'm not particularly pleased with or question, and I say, “Oh...So, that is why...” We don't always have the ability to see a purpose in real time. It is in our gift of hindsight that G-d will sometimes speak to us, I think. It is just allowing our selves to see it and accept it. Doesn't matter your faith. We all have this wonderful ability to see through G-d's eyes. Try it sometime. It's crazy spooky! Take any event in the past few days,usually something you may have initially seen as negative...and then find a positive moment after that event and you'll literally be able to connect the dots to see that had the negative event not happened, the positive wouldn't have either.
My day actually ended on a positive note as my tablet problem was resolved. At the beginning of the week I was still stressed and worried that my tablet needed replacing because as I wrote earlier my tablet didn't work, and while my neighbor's charger was working on his,and even though he did say that there were times he had to jiggle his tablet to get it to work as it didn't work properly...I sent him my charger and he plugged it in saw the word charging and unplugged it quickly, not seeing IF IT ACTUALLY DID CHARGE...we both feared the worst about my tablet.
As I expected, Monday morning was a mess and I couldn't get anyone to help me get Securus to look at the tablet so by the afternoon I was down to just 40% juice and worried...But I had a little niggle eating at me saying, ' Try another charger...' so I asked another guy a couple of cells down if I could try his out for a second. I fished it in, took a deep breath plugged it in...the screen blinked as it normally would and the word Charging popped up at the same time the blue indicator light turned to a flashing purple indicating it was charging! I let out a huge YES! and the guy let me use it until my tablet was fully charged. He said I could use it as I needed, which was such a huge relief but now I had to tackle the issue of ordering a new charger at an over priced $15.99 plus tax, and waiting weeks if not more for Securus to deliver it. I wasn't happy about that at all especially since the cheap piece of junk died on its own and wasn't my fault at all. I took care of it! Always unplugged it when it wasn't in use, kept it from getting banged around etc. Our whole set up is initially provided for free from securus...but replacement products such as ear buds and charger are our responsibility no matter if it is our fault or not. That's the rub! You are forced to buy an over priced item like cheaply wired ear buds for 20.00 dollars when in reality they probably cost Securus pennies on the dollar to make knowing they will HAVE to be replaced every few months from wear and tear...It really is predatory, but when you're the only game in the business and you're ripping off inmates and their families, who cares? So, they will replace the tablet for free ONLY if they see that the inmate didn't abuse or tamper with it. If they feel the inmate broke it, the inmate has to fork over $130.00 to receive a replacement. Now, that I understand because there are some guys who foolishly believe they'll crack the code to unlock it and gain access to the actual internet...which is not happening. Or there are those that want to try and jump sound circuits to boost the volume...Troop has told me some crazy stories of guys currently without tablets because of their own idiocy. Others just don't care at all because they have no support, and intentionally break the tablet, or any state provided item for that matter, in an act of defiance or anarchy. Most of the time, though, the stuff breaks naturally because it really is the cheapest of quality. Before I purchased a new charger though, I thought I'd try a different route through an officer that often deals with Securus and has access to surplus items for guys that are indigent or need a loaner until something can be purchased. I asked one of the field ministers to explain my situation and he did and told me they were busy but they'd get back with me in a couple of days to check out my issue. I was so grateful that I wouldn't have cared if it took a week! I had settled in to the day far less anxious about that situation and when it was close to shift change I was just about to ask the guy a few cells down to use his charger when suddenly the officer popped up to my cell, opened my slot and handed me a brand new spankin' fancy smancy Chinese made charger still in the wrapper. I told them I'd return it as soon as I purchased a new one and they told me to give them my broken one and call it even. I was so appreciative of not just that but going out of their way to get it to me before they left work! It meant a lot to me and reminds me that even in a place that is often devoid of humanity, either on the side of Inmates or Officers, there are plenty of genuinely good people that work here and are more than their job title. Yeah, there are plenty of mean spirited officers or those who are generally apathetic to our conditions or treatment, but the same can be said of certain inmates that see them as the enemy no matter who they are or how they act. I've been guilty of an ' Us v. Them ' bias from time to time for no other reason than the fact I'm an inmate and they are a guard. A lot of it just comes from years of incarceration and mistreatment . Just as I know some of the initial bias from Officers comes from their being told not to trust inmates which is understandable...I get it. Prison is a pit of vipers. But stick around long enough and a person's nature will reveal itself and Officers can discern bad inmates from the good one's and inmates pick up real quickly the jerks from those that know their job and the professional barriers they must keep, but can also show their humanity.
Humanity can and should exist in prison. It just requires a culture change on both sides, and that's something very important to me as a long term goal. It goes hand in hand with what I've written about my desire to live a life of service to others. I really believe that the most important piece of the puzzle to reduce recidivism is changing prison culture. There are a handful of administrative officials that believe that as well and a large group of inmates - ironically 'lifers' - like some of the Field Ministers, Life Coaches and those that participate in the prison radio station. Our only barriers to change are those on the outside ( certain anti prisoner rights activists and politicians ) who hold on to antiquated views on what they believe is ' Justice ' and those on the inside that treat prison like it has to be a concrete jungle where there can only be predator or prey or time for them to find the next great street hustle, where respect is earned by throwing fists and if you're kind, you're weak. A growing number of us reject that and are trying to change that mentality. You can't expect a freed prisoner to be a productive member of any community if they can't first act as a community member amongst their peers within prison. You can't expect a person to build a house without the proper education and tools first. You'd think it would be a no brainer.
For the most part, Death Row has always been a microcosm of culture change because we know without community and looking out for one another we'll drown. Even if someone doesn't like another person, if they're in need they will typically find help. Prison as a whole will take more effort but it is possible...But society has to be willing to give administrators with bold ideas a chance without protesting that prisoners have it too easy...For inmates it requires us to project kindness towards others as the dominant force. To reject cruelty and expect accountability not just for what got them locked up, but for our treatment of one another. For me, it's speaking to that young person who feels there is no hope, or has given up because I was once that same young person.
Anyways, for me, when I've experienced the kindness of another be it guard or inmate, I'm grateful that all isn't lost. Even if sometimes my sarcasm or retorts sometimes come off a bit sharp or unintentionally jerkish, I'm hyper aware of the value of kindness and do my best to be both kind and gracious when kindness is given to me. Yep...The kindness of an officer towards a death row inmate deserved my thoughts in respects to the gesture! Gotta pay it forward now.
As for today, it started a bit chaotic with two new officers on the floor. They were totally unprepared for what a day of rec. on B pod can throw at them. These officers really are undertrained but TDCJ is so desperate to get them in place, they spend little time learning the parts of their job that keep things running timely and smoothly. But to the crew working today they figured out things after the first round. For some it takes months! Everything levelled out by second round. I was initially scheduled to go outside 4th round and I worried I'd never make it, but was bumped to 2nd round which was lovely! The fresh air did me a world of good. I came in, went straight to the shower and just like that the day was done. I had planned on watching the series Vikings tonight on the Unit channel but skipped it to do this long journal...I'll make up for it with movies over the three day holiday weekend. I can't wait! Some really good ones I've waited years to finally see are in the line up. Now it's time to get ready for bed and wind down for the night!
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace
January
19th, 2024
This
week has been an interesting one and not really in a bad way. Sure,
there's the disappointment of going yet another week without a ruling
from the CCA, but a conversation with a guy that used to be on death
row years ago, and would routinely whoop my butt at basketball,
stopped by to catch up with the guys around he knew when his sentence
was modified from death to life. Over the years he became a driving
force for the peer mentor programs and is one of the most valued and
trusted Life Coaches in TDCJ. I expressed my frustration with this
wait and he said, " Randy, don't see it as disappointment. See
it as opportunity. " And of course he is right...what counts is
what I do with my time in the interim...which I already knew and I've
been doing, but sometimes my disappointment can affect my drive. He
took my information down and said I could depend on him to be an
advocate for me to be a life coach when the opportunity presents
itself. What's so crazy about that particular conversation was how
well timed it was with all that transpired after. I've talked about
enrolling in classes and I've already been several months into one
class already. Initially, a bunch of guys on my section signed up but
when they realised it required reading assignments and book work most
of the section dropped out and both Field Ministers Troop and Gary
considered cancelling it altogether but my neighbor and I told them
to not do that, find others who are willing to do the work and that's
when Gary decided it would be best to restructure things and do it
differently than how they did it on A pod. He had to go through some
red tape and administrative headaches, but in the end he got it
sorted, found new guys to participate, created an entirely new
program, and began to move people around, completing the final moves
today. So what remains from the original group are just a couple of
us and we'll finish our current class, but on February 1st new
classes will begin.
Today
my section had a heart felt conversation about our individual goals,
vision for changes, and desire to show the world we are worthy of
redemption. It really pumped me up and had me excited. So far it
seems like it's a much better group of guys, but it's the work that
will test each person's dedication. It's not easy to adapt to a new
routine and schedule when you've been languishing for years and have
had a decades old routine. Troop and Gary anticipate that so they did
something really smart for our program that I'll go into in another
entry.
Other
good things...so, we have an app on our tablet that is also available
in the world called Pando...It's mostly Christian content,but I check
it out from time to time and saw that Megamind did an interview in
The Tank with some leaders of a prison ministry called Universal
Beyond Bars or UBB. If you go on the Pando app and look for that
church, look for the video cast titled UBB In The Tank, you'll see
the radio studio. In the background you'll see my memoir amongst some
of the books exhibited and finally, if you go about 10 minutes and 12
seconds into the video you'll see a scrolling ticker tape and
suddenly there's a shout out to me as The Tank's co-producer ( so
people know I really am!) and my picture. I was so touched by that
and of course a bit proud as well. So yeah...good things this week.
I'll talk about more soon!
Courage.
Strength. Hope and Faith
Peace
January
28th, 2024
Another
week has passed and it is almost the end to another Sunday. I've not
done much but my chores and I've done my best to keep busy and
positive. Been watching a lot movies this weekend. We just watched an
animated movie from Adam Sandler that was pretty funny called Leo.
I'm still blown away at the level of computer animation these days.
Last
night we watched Oppenheimer which was excellent. I really liked how
it juxtaposed the creation of the atomic bomb with Robert Oppenheimer
being accused of being a communist after he vocalised restraint on
the use of the bomb. The acting was phenomenal from everyone in that
movie. We also watched Everything And Everywhere All At Once which
was another fantastic movie. So, I slept pretty good last night.
Oppenheimer ended around ten and I'd already seen the last movie for
the night so I crawled into bed earlier than I normally do for
Saturday nights. I'd hoped to wake up to a shower but this is now day
six without. It's like no one is coming to work for them to do
anything. It's been the worst it's been in a while. It can get
exhausting dealing with this broken system.
The
inmate field minister Troop showed up to show movies on the big
screens for the other side of the pod. Now that they have more TVs
they can knock out two sections in one go but I don't know that Troop
will have trucked four big screen TVs all the way over from A pod
unless Gary came with him. I hope he stops by to chat because I
wanted to ask if classes actually start this week on Feb 1st or the
following week. We were told our first class is something called
Authentic Manhood which will teach people how to be mature
responsible adults...it explores how to deal with aggression, taking
responsibility and growing up, because many of us are trapped in a
state of arrested development. It should be interesting. I hope I'm
not here for 18 months but the overall program is 18 months long so
it will be quite intensive and I'll do it all for as long as I'm
here. Gary did tell me that if I got some time and came back here I
could complete it, though so that was nice to hear.
My
path to becoming a life coach begins this week! Gary just came by
earlier and he said classes WILL begin on Thursday or Friday...well,
it's more of an opening ceremony to officially kick the new program
off. He also said that he and Troop are trying to move onto the
building where there are open cells on A pod. That way they're always
around. They currently live out in the dormitories which is an open
living situation and they wouldn't mind some privacy and living
amongst us. That'll be cool if that happens. They'll be more
accessible if that gets approved.
Now
we just finished watching an early 90's movie called Menace 2 Society
about '90s street gangs in Los Angeles. We'll be doing foot ball time
for the last two teams that decide who goes to the Superbowl. Next
week there are no games so it'll be all movies Saturday and Sunday.
For the Superbowl Troop and Gary are going to roll in 4 big screens
for B and C sections to watch the game so that should be cool to see.
I love the commercials the most for that particular game so I'll
definitely check it out especially since it'll be on the big screen.
I can't believe we've had the day room TVs for a year now though.
That's
really been it for the weekend and the week wasn't much different
with no recreation and no showers. We'll see what a new week brings.
Geeze, it almost February!
Courage.
Strength. Hope and Faith
Peace
February 4th, 2024
It's been another
average week in my life here on death row. We did have two days of
rec. which was a relief and on Thursday I was able to get some fresh
air by going outside. I think these days with the staff shortages we
average about one day of outside recreation per month. I've not
played basketball since last summer which really stinks. That really
is the best exercise there is in my opinion and I took pride in the
fact that at my age I could run better and play better than most guys
younger than me. I fear the less I play, the more age will eventually
catch up with me. Not that I feel old or even appear old unless it is
when I first roll out of bed. THAT I definitely feel. Getting up
early in the morning is becoming increasingly harder!
We were expecting
classes to begin last week with our first class called ' Authentic
Manhood ' but instead on Friday morning at about 7:30am Gary and
Troop came rolling in with several huge TVs... They told us that
class would start on Wednesday the following week and wanted to spend
an hour that Friday morning asking each of us what we thought being a
man meant. It was interesting listening to everyone's definition and
almost no one said anything about being held accountable or being
responsible etc. They were all comments about not being a sissy,
being tough, protecting loved ones etc. Gary said we were all wrong
and would learn why in the class.
After that they hooked
up the TVs and showed us two movies...the first movie was a new
romcom called Tourist Guide To Love...it was so so. It wasn't very
original in my opinion. They were going through the menu of saved
movies and I saw a couple of Star Wars titles flash across the screen
and I yelled out, " Star Wars!" and the response was a
collective " No Randy!" and then everyone laughed because
they know what a big Star Wars geek I am. I joked, " But we've
not see them on the big screens!" In the end Gary settled on the
movie, " 7 Pounds " which must be one of the most
depressing movies ever made! Its not bad, but Geeze...there is
nothing happy at all in that movie.
Friday night I listened
to my show on the radio...Yep, I've got my own radio program at 9pm
on the prison radio station, The Tank called The Co Producer
Spotlight. I basically compile the songs for that hour, send them in
and they get played. I'm pretty proud of the accomplishment and the
DJ,Megamind said I earned and deserved the slot which meant a lot to
me. I'd like to start recording an encouraging message for each show,
but we've got to figure out the logistics of that. It has always been
a dream of mine and another one fulfilled.
Saturday was pretty
boring other than a couple of movies and a Cure concert played that
evening on the Tank. I was in bed at midnight and back up early for a
shower after three days without. Then Gary and Troop came by again to
talk and inform us that on Monday Troop would begin another class on
Anger Management. So, we'll have two classes each week on top of
another class. That'll be three classes each week! I'm looking
forward to the challenge. It's nice to do something opposed to
nothing. I'm sure the days will go by even faster now.
Well, here's to looking
at another week and maybe a positive ruling! It has to come one of
these weeks.
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace.
February 23rd, 2024
I'm still waiting on
the CCA to decide my case....By the way, if you want things to change
in the CCA and maybe save lives on death row, I'd recommend voting
for Democrat Judges in this election cycle and replace the three uber
conservative judges up for re-election. Many people don't realise
that they aren't appointed, but instead are elected.
My morning started with
me listening to a Cocteau Twins album on the Tank and Megamind broke
in for a second to remind listeners to catch my show on Friday
nights. Tonight is going to be good as I put together some old school
new wave jams. I was going for a total electro pop vibe for tonight's
show. I'm already thinking about next week's music but I hope tonight
goes smoothly!
Last night we watched a
series from Netflix I'd never heard about. In fact, when we got the
unit channel 12 line up for the weekend and saw the word Beef we were
like what the heck is that? One guy said (which in hindsight is
making me laugh hard because he totally sold it!) "Oh, I know
this show! Its about the '90s rap game and how the rappers were
beefing with each other and it spilled into the streets!" When
the show started with a Korean dude, the actor Steven Yeun from the
Walking Dead. I said, "Yeah...I don't think this has anything to
do with the '90s rap street beefs, dude, but it was a good guess!"
And the section laughed! Turns out the show starts with a road rage
incident and builds from there as two lives fall apart when their
antics spawned from impulse and revenge spiral out of control. I
think it is one of the best shows I've ever seen. Who knew there were
better shows than Lost out there? It's like a brave new world for us
back here being able to watch streaming shows! Ha ha. Ali Wong is a
great actress and the entire premise is original and brilliant.
Funny, sad, and gripping. I don't imagine it'll end on a happy note.
My friend, Ivan Cantu,
who I've known for over 20 years now has an execution date for next
week and it is stressing me out. I'm convinced he is innocent and was
framed. If anyone has doubts I recommend they listen to the true
crime pod cast Cousins By Blood which systematically addresses all of
the serious questions in his case. Dude was framed. I'm certain of
it. He's been one of my closest friends over the years and I hope he
gets that stay. Someone has to intervene. There is just too much
doubt and unanswered questions.
Other than worrying
about my friend, Ivan, it's been a long day for sure. First we had a
church called Worthy People come and talk to us. The pastor used to
be a prisoner at one time. I've seen some of their videos on Pando
and they also said that they are going to start adding one movie a
month to Pando which will be really cool. I mean, we've got to take
what we can get if TDCJ refuses to give death row the media app.
Church isn't really my thing, but those people are serious in helping
prisoners so I can absolutely support that and we all appreciate the
love they show.
I just talked to the
inmate field minister, Gary and he said Ivan is in the middle of a
Star Wars marathon watching it on a big screen TV parked right in
front of his cell. That was nice to hear as I know he's a big fan. We
always listened to the marathons of that and Back To The Future
together before death row had television.
And now the day is
winding down and I can settle in for the evening and get ready for
channel 12. The guard just changed the TVs and everyone is finishing
dinner and getting ready to roll.
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace.
RIP Ivan Cantu.
April 3rd, 2024
Good morning on this
hopeful mid week day. I'm going into it with so much hope that my
appeal ruling has to be sooner than later. I've been waiting for
almost 16 months which is a frustrating amount of time when my
lawyers feel like they are only stalling the inevitable.
Please forgive me if I
jump around in this journal. It's been a rough past month with a
bunch of unnecessary problems and I've not written in a while so I'm
trying to find my equilibrium. Time here is very non linear, but I
try to keep a linear schedule for a sense of normality and so I tend
to write that way. On death row most of our day if not all of our day
is spent in our cell so I try to balance it as best as I can. I would
love to have a job or something and I don't even care that in Texas
prisoners don't get paid for work. I'd love to work any job, even if
it was cleaning garbage, just to keep busy. I think that is a reason
I take so many classes and keep studying and writing my thoughts and
other writings. It does help me keep sane.
We've been on lock down
for almost a month now and our building still has a week and a half
to go until lock down is over for us, which stinks. At least things
have finally settled down. As I've written before, Troop and Gary are
my teachers, mentors and field ministers. They're specially trained
inmates with a bachelors in theology... if I have a life sentence it
is my long term goal to become something similar to them and train to
be a life coach...a sort of inmate counsellor. I'd love to mentor and
teach younger inmates and change the prison culture to one of hope
and not despair.
You all know I'm
Jewish, but I have grown to respect a lot of Christians over the past
years. In fact, I've really come to appreciate the Christian and
philosophical writings of C.S. Lewis. I read a really interesting
book years ago that compared the writings of Freud and Lewis...Almost
as if they were debating with one another in a way. I'm always trying
to learn and challenge myself.
Anyways, I'm wondering
why field minister Gary hasn't done class today when he said
yesterday he'd for sure be here. That's a bit odd. It's past noon now
and there's been no news or ruling, so it looks like we're looking at
another week. It'll be okay. I do think it'll come in the next couple
of weeks and hey, May to July has been a special time to go back to
Dallas as I went two summers in a row in 2021 and 2022 so maybe some
of that magic is in the air to be back around that time.
We were told the unit
movie channel is going to be on this weekend so I'm looking forward
to that and the movie line up looks good. I finally get to see
Killers Of The Flower Moon which is an amazing book I read several
years ago. I love cinema...I have such a wide taste in movies from
art house and foreign films to a love of Star Wars, thrillers and
horror. One of the best movies I've seen recently was called American
Fiction - an amazing satirical drama that explores the exploitation
of black culture in America. I've loved movies since I was a child
and up to my incarceration I tried to see a movie in the theater
every week.
I'm determined to write
a successful screen play one of these days. I've got two really good
ideas for a psychological horror movie and a comedy. They are all but
worked out in my head so I just need to take to the task of writing
them. I'm going to try to get back into the swing of things and I
apologise for the lapse in entries. The last month was just a very
very stressful time for me,but I'm on the mend and rebound! Now if
only the courts will make their ruling!
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace
April 28th, 2024
It's a warm Sunday
morning and I've been doing my typical weekend chores and reflecting
on the past week and then thought I should do a journal! I'm doing my
very best to keep afloat and keep positive. I'm in relatively good
spirits, though torn over all of the political chaos, the misguided
and misinformed protests on college campuses, and wonder when and if
reason can be restored any time soon.
But if I'm honest, most
of my anxiety is from the wait on the CCA to which my legal team has
had enough as well and my attorney has been preparing a legal brief
to file in the CCA soon if a ruling doesn't come in the next week or
two, I hope. I've read the rough draft and it's excellent. The heart
of the brief points out to the CCA there is no justification in them
sitting on this for so long. The state conceded and told the CCA that
the only recourse is a new trial. My Judge recommended a new trial
and so, the CCA is violating my constitutional right to a speedy and
fair trial by delaying justice.
My attorney also sited
the 8th and 14th amendments by saying the delay is cruel and unusual
punishment. As of now,Another inmate, Paul Storey and myself have
been waiting longer for a ruling than almost anyone else in recent
CCA history. Paul has a recommendation for a life sentence from both
his District Attorney and Judge and has been waiting almost two
years. Hopefully, a ruling will come soon, though because I really
can't see them dragging this out for much longer.
I do feel intuitively
that something is coming, though. My mind has been prodding me to
prepare for Dallas and in a weird cosmic turn of events, I was moved
recently to 8 cell. Now, being moved is no big deal. I'm typically
moved around a lot, but being moved to the very first cell I came to
on DR, June 12, 2003 made me think how crazy it would be if it is
also my LAST cell on death row, as if G-d aligned everything
perfectly. I don't think I'm that special in the grand scheme of the
universe and everything in it, but I told Adrian that would be the
wildest thing that has happened since being here. That would blow my
mind! I don't have much of a view for tv in this, but that is okay.
They've not been showing many decent movies of late as it is. The
last good movie I watched was Killers Of The Flower moon, but that
really has been it. Field minister's Gary or Troop should show our
section some movies on the big screen in the coming week.
In other news I should
graduate from one of my first classes I started taking back in August
in the next two weeks. I'm really glad I stayed with it. Then, my
anger management course wraps up in another two weeks. There will be
a lull in between the next course Troop teaches because he is going
to be shipped to another prison unit for two weeks to do a seminary
in early May. The Quest For Authentic Manhood course has many many
weeks left on that, and I honestly wouldn't be upset if I didn't
finish that one! The concepts it proposes as to what a 'real' man is
is sooo off base and misinformed. I just don't like this course at
all,but I'm committed to it.
Courage. Strength.
Hope. and Faith
Peace
June 11th, 2024
I'm back...sorry for
the long hiatus. I just find it difficult to write about anything at
all these days because it feels like I'm just repeating the same old
thoughts and saying the same old things.
I suppose I could tell
you about my tv exploits and how trying to get the section's
television fixed has become a living nightmare of epic proportions
and has now turned into a good vs. evil between my section and the
lady over maintenance. I was going to let it go until she said, and I
quote, "We need to stop whining because we should all be dead
anyways." Long story short....I helped my section file a
grievance to have the television reset because the image was
compressed making it difficult for some guys to see. We didn't know
they'd remove the tv and it would take up to six weeks to be reset!
The section then got mad at me for helping them and so I tried to get
us a replacement tv. The maintenance lady blocked that saying I
should have never written a grievance and this is what we get. It
then escalated after her comment about us dying took it to a whole
other level. What's crazy is that they would waste time and resources
to send a tv to Huntsville, Texas for something that only requires a
remote control and reset code. It would probably be cheaper to
replace the television! So, that's where this story begins and I hope
to end it in victory! To be continued.
Meanwhile, I'm still
waiting on the CCA to make its ruling on whether or not I'll receive
a new trial. I've been doing my best to keep busy and I continue to
take classes. I've just completed two classes - BSF ( Bible Study
Fellowship) and an Anger management course. The BSF graduation is
tomorrow when I will receive my certificate and Friday I will receive
my Anger management certificate. Currently I'm taking two other
classes, one which is a bit difficult because I fundamentally
disagree with the instructor's viewpoint on his definition of being a
man...The class is called “Authentic Manhood.” The other, which
is both amazing and emotionally difficult, is Bridges For Life. It
focuses on victims reconciliation, seeing how crime impacts everyone
involved and then a possible pathway to forgiveness. We are expected
to be fully engaged and to take this class seriously. We start every
class with two videos from a victim's perspective and it can be hard
on the soul to listen to but it's a must. This is a class that I
really wanted to take. Even if I can't complete it, should I receive
a new trial, I will complete it later because I feel it is a crucial
class for me on my pathway to becoming a life coach.
In between all of this
life has just been...the same ol' same ol'. I'm ready for a new
chapter because I think it will give me both a new perspective and
new experiences to write about. I dread a trial, but I'm in desperate
need of new experiences. Being stuck in this limbo is really
beginning to take its toll on me and it really does feel like the
movie "Ground Hog Day" minus the Cher and Sonny Bono. But
I'll get there...eventually. Actually, on Thursday I have a legal
visit so maybe I'll get some good news!
Anyways, I'll do my
best to write more frequently (Taffy is giving me swift kicks to get
it in gear and I fear the swift kicks!)
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith
Peace
June 12th, 2024
Today marks 21 years of
my time here on Death Row. It was June 12, 2003 that a jury sentenced
me to death and I can still remember every detail of that day from
being whisked out of the court room, appeal papers shoved in my face
to sign, court clothes removed, stripped searched, given a bright
orange jumper, shackled and escorted quickly under machine gun and
thrown into the back of a police cruiser, escorted by a swat team,
and then the drive to Huntsville, Texas for processing, and turned
over to the Texas Department of Criminal Justice. Processed in, head
shaven clean by clippers, thrown into a white van and driven to
Livingston, Texas to the Polunsky Unit.
The guards brought me
to B pod 8 cell...the exact same cell I'm currently living in and I
must say the day has been a flood of memories. Everything happened so
quickly that day that I really didn't have a chance to process it
all, and spent several days after in a state of disbelief. I was also
surprised at how nice and welcoming the other death row prisoners
were to me that it defied all of the scary movies and sensational
portrayals of death row.
And here I still am.
Alive. Defying the statistical odds of survival for someone on Texas
Death Row. I can remember when I was told that I'd probably not live
past 6-8 years. Crazy... Today was also CCA opinions day and it
appears I'm waiting yet another week ( probably several more weeks
because next Wednesday is a holiday) without a court decision on
whether or not I'll be granted a new trial. I can't believe it is
taking this long for a decision and then I think to myself, what's
another week when I've waited 21 years. I'm alive, I've much to be
grateful for in spite of everything and I'm getting an opportunity to
take classes and prepare and better myself for what I hope is another
chance at life. I can't complain about that. In fact, today I
graduated my 9 month BSF class, received my certificate and the
instructor gave the few of us that completed the course a pizza,
pastry and bag of candy. That was a nice treat! I ended up sharing
the pizza with my neighbors because it was too much for one person
and it is such a rare treat I couldn't justify keeping it all for
myself. I mean, when I first came here 21 years ago all of these
strangers pitched in to give me commissary, writing supplies,
toiletries etc.. Sharing pizza is a nice way to reflect on that.
Friday, I graduate my anger management class. It'll be amazing to
have two more certificates to add to my growing list of
accomplishments over the years. I think I've earned the right to be
proud of myself.
Tomorrow I have a legal
visit so it'll be nice to get out and talk to my attorney. As the
evening winds down I'll probably spend it watching some TED talks as
I usually do each evening and there's an interesting looking
documentary on the Pando app called Juneteenth : Faith and Freedom,
which is about the history of the holiday. It looks really well
produced so I'll watch that. Pando is primarily religious content but
they have some interesting programs that I check out from time to
time. I'm surprised at how progressive much of it is. There's some
questionable stuff that certain viewpoints contribute, but most of it
is kosher. That's it for today!
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith
Peace
June 14th, 2024
It's been a busy busy
day...I'm completely tanked but have to make it to my music show at
9pm that I host host and curate on the Polunsky Unit radio station,
The Tank. I'm on my 23rd week of hosting and I have to say that my
song picks tonight are banging! I like to show the many different sub
styles of Alternative music so I might go all chick bands one night,
go indie another night, shoe gaze, grunge, new wave, industrial or
post punk. Sometimes I just focus on a single artist. Its just cool
to fulfil a dream of mine.
Well, the day started
off early. Field Minister Gary showed up to set up everything for our
Anger Management class graduation. After he had the equipment set up
he stopped by my cell and we talked about how Texas was getting back
into executions full swing and he said it was affecting him and I
told him that he should take a day off after the next one to
decompress and process everything. These guys are inmates having to
deal with seeing inmate after inmate live on death watch and leave to
be executed. When I was on death watch facing my own execution, I
watched countless men leave and never come back. You cannot be human
if that doesn't affect you. We don't have a grief counsellor to go
to. We only have ourselves. He appreciated my advice and then a guest
speaker showed up a little after 8am. I thought this guy would speak
for a few minutes, congratulate us and go but he went on and on. It
started out on topic...thanked us for our hard work, congratulations,
etc and then he went on 2 1/2 hour tirade about homosexuality, drag
queens, the education system, illegal immigrants and the destruction
of America's moral fiber and I kept thinking, "My God....I
didn't sign up to attend a Trump rally! What does this have to do
with anger management class?" Actually, I think dude needs to
take it himself! After being subjected to that we received our
certificate and a church donated free world meals! We had fried
chicken, Spanish rice and refried beans! They also provided meals for
all of the Officer's as well,which was kind. I was stuffed! I did
feel guilty not being able to share with the guys around me, but at
least I was able to share pizza the other day.
After that Troop and
Gary went to ask the Captain if they could set up a big screen tv in
our day room for the weekend because we didn't have a tv. They came
back and said she had said no and I was really annoyed and thought,
what is the big deal?...Why are they giving us such grief over
wanting to have our tv fixed and filing grievances? My mind was
already plotting my next course of action in response when the
maintenance lady came in to mount a brand new tv for us. So, that
issue has fully been resolved and my section is happy to have a new
tv that works properly. I even said, 'See...my grievance paid off in
the end!' and everyone told me to go sit down...haha.
Yesterday was a busy
day as well with an all day attorney visit that went really well and
I continue to feel positive about things, even if it takes forever.
When I get frustrated at the wait I think, well...I wouldn't have
completed these courses, done this or done that and racked up
accomplishments etc. So, it goes back to the old adage that
everything does happen for a reason.
I'm looking forward to
watching some movies this weekend and relaxing a bit because I'm
exhausted after these past couple of days!
Courage. Strength.
Hope. and Faith.
Peace
June 17th, 2024
Today there has been a
bit of excitement and chaos because B pod on death row was visited by
a man named Kevin Rambsy and his family. Kevin runs a ministry called
Fight To Forgive @ FightToForgive.com all about victim reconciliation
His story is quite remarkable as he was stabbed 37 times and left to
die after a home invasion. He learned to forgive his attacker, even
visiting him in prison and has dedicated his life to reaching out to
inmates so that they can find a path to forgiveness. I highly suggest
people reaching out to his ministry and supporting it because it's
his kind of work that leads to less recidivism in prisons and
criminal justice reform.
After that I was a bit
worn out and restless because we just don't get recreation anymore.
We get one day of Rec. per week and almost never get outside - even
on the days they have the officers to run it, like today when there
were five officers working. It's very frustrating at times.
We don't have class
this week because of the speaker today and Wednesday being a holiday
and that usually keeps my mind occupied and not feeling anxious and
restless. Well, at least there are some new movies on Wednesday. I
can look forward to that. I watched a really good movie called Cherry
last night.
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace
June 20th, 2024
I'm feeling a bit
better today because there was finally recreation! It's been a week
since I was last able to get out of the cell and for some reason it
really irritated me and had me more agitated than it normally would.
I mean, I'm always restless being trapped in an itty bitty cell
twenty four hours out of the day, but of late.. it's really gotten to
me. Probably because I'm also waiting on that court ruling and just
stuck here. Yeah, I know. Boo hoo. I did it to myself. Believe me, I
know.
Rec. was nice and I
talked with some guys around me and walked around in circles for a
bit to stretch my legs out. After that, I was able to go straight to
the shower so it all feels like a reset of sorts.
Yesterday was the
Juneteenth holiday and I watched movies all afternoon. We finally got
a replacement television...And as excited as I was to see some of the
newer movies, none of them were that good. I didn't expect much from
Godzilla vs. Kong...haha...but I thought the Fall Guy and Boy Kills
World might be worth checking out and they just weren't. In Fact, the
Fall Guy was horrible and I wanted it to be good because there was a
popular 80's tv show with a similar title that I always watched with
my best friend, Chad, as kids. We loved the Fall Guy. The only thing
in the movie that they kept from the tv show was the truck the main
character drove. At least they kept it badass. After the movies were
over I went to bed to do it all over again today! I'm going to watch
Yellowstone 1923 tonight.
Yesterday there were
lots of reports that this area of Texas was going to get pounded by a
tropical storm and while it did rain, it wasn't all that bad in
Livingston. In fact, it blew over really quickly and now today is
hot, sticky and humid. The worst kind of Texas heat there is in these
parts!
So,the big thing in
death penalty news today was that there was a guy that used to be on
Death Row a couple of decades ago. He had always said he was innocent
and while the CCA commuted his sentence to life, they would never
exonerate him and today the court finally acknowledged his innocence
and cleared his name. It is sad that it has taken him decades of his
life and just highlights the flaws in both the Criminal Court of
Appeals and the Texas justice system...one our great Governor always
flouts as perfect. Here's the irony...the Governor granted clememcy
to an actual racist murderer who killed a Black Lives Matter
protestor a year after his convictions while another man who really
was innocent had to fight for decades to prove his innocence. That is
the state of things in Texas these days. In light, of the good news,
though, it is scary that they seem to be setting more and more
execution dates.
Oh good God! I just
nearly crapped my pants! So, one of the things we do to keep the
noise down on the TVs is to plug a head phone cord into it and then
everyone runs a wire to tap into that and listen in their cells.
Otherwise it is just a cacophony of noise and chaos as three TVs
compete for sound. Well, we got a life coach to do it a few minutes
ago and the tv screen blanked out and then went to just half of the
screen! I yelled, "Stop! what are you doing? What hole did you
put it in?" He said he didn't know and so I told him to unplug
the tv and reset it, and meanwhile I was praying in my head, 'please
G-d...don't let this dude have blown up the tv we just got it!' I
literally started to shake with fear! Why? Because everyone would
have held me responsible because it was my idea to ask him..Thank
goodness when it reset everything was fine. Now we're all wondering
what hole he plugged it into!
And that therein lies
my crazy day!
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace
June 30th, 2025
It's an early Sunday
morning as I write this...the movie The Minions is blasting on the tv
in the back ground and while I'm not really watching it because the
tv is still messed up, listening to the gibberish of the minions does
have me in a light mood all things considered.
It's been a rough
couple of weeks....there was an execution, and then we went on lock
down...all coupled with the heat. It's not that we don't have air
conditioning or we're even suffering like the guys in General
Population, but the air is a trickle and the walls get really hot so
it does add to the already existing irritation of the environment. I
think in recent weeks everyone has been a little on edge and
irritated...even worried because they are setting numerous execution
dates and there are guys that have exhausted appeals for years now
and they are worried that there number is almost up. All it would
take is Someone like the Attorney General's Office or even a really
aggressive victims rights organization to start putting pressure on a
place like Harris County which hasn't really been aggressive with
dates, and that would be a wrap on so many men... Of course, many of
us knew these days would come. Covid allowed for a lull and the
bigger more liberal counties just don't have a stomach for it
anymore, but it's easy to forget that no matter how liberal the DA is
in these counties, it's still Texas and Texas is still a very pro
death penalty state with a lunatic, blood thirsty Governor and Bat
crap crazy Attorney General. It was only a matter of time.
The execution of Romero
Gonzalez was a hard hit for many. I personally didn't know him all
that well, but I can testify to his transformation and his dedication
to his faith in the end. When he got here he was a really sheisty
dude and screwed many people over. But over the years he went from
being one of the least liked guys on death row to one of the most
liked people by both inmates and guards. His walk in Christianity was
sincere and I think if you read his last words it is proof of that.
He spent years trying to make amends to those he hurt either in the
free world or back here.
Then they hit us with a
lock down and said they would start shaking death row down every 90
days again. We were under the impression that was over with but
apparently not. It caught a lot of people off guard because usually
when you expect it you can stock up on supplies that you need in
advance. So, there are a lot of hungry guys! Our first sack meal was
two itty bitty biscuits that I jokingly asked the guard 'are these
biscuits or triscuits?', a half frozen small bean burrito and a spoon
of peanut butter. Yummy! Fortunately, it's improved a little with hot
trays since yesterday. Then, of course, there is the never ending
wait on the CCA... it's gotta come one of these days, right? It's
been almost two years to the day that I was back in Dallas for my
hearings and you'd think as hell bent on attorneys not delaying
things out for the courts, they'd not drag things out but I guess
they have a 'do as we say, not as we do' kind of mindset.
Well, here's to going
into July with some hope and positivity that good things will happen.
In spite of difficult times, I do remain optimistic.
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace
July 13th, 2024
It's 7:21pm on a
Saturday night ( should have started this at 10:15 ...haha) and I'm
laying in bed listening to the movie IT on The Tank. I don't know why
I like this movie so much but I really do. I think it's because it
reminds me of being a kid in the '80s and I was definitely a member
of the Loser Club. They play the audio to movies each evening at 6pm
for guys that are visually impaired or don't have access to
television. On our TV the Godfather trilogy is on and you'd think
that being a student of film I'd like those movies, but I've always
found them a bit 'meh'. They're not horrible, I've just never thought
they were all that great. Now tomorrow I'll be watching movies most
of the day. Especially the new movies Furiosa and Fancy Dance.
Well, it's been a long
stressful week after we were hit by Hurricane Beryl (who names these
things?) and we lost power for 3 1/2 days! Most of the weather
predictions initially had Beryl hitting the coastal area then dumping
a bunch of rain on most of south east Texas. Sunday we had some light
rain as well as early Monday morning, and looking outside, it didn't
look like it'd get much worse. As the morning progressed the rain
picked up as did the wind and we lost power for about 5 minutes. It
wasn't until after noon that things really got rocking and rolling
and the wind became ferocious! I looked outside of my window to see
the storm and could see the stadium perimeter lights swaying back and
forth as well as a big tree that stands behind a building about
thirty feet from my window. I've watched this tree grow over the
years and was quite worried for the fella! At around 1:30 pm the
power went out and we all hoped that it would come back on soon. I
grabbed my tablet and while the WiFi was down I could still access my
radio on it and all of the Livingston stations were out as well. I
knew then that it was quite serious.
Tuesday was expected to
have temperatures in the high 90s and with no working air we were
going to be miserable. When Tuesday came I tried to catch news
updates as best as I could being mindful of my battery. One of the
Livingston radio stations were up and running off of generators and
they said the damage in the town was extensive and power could be out
anywhere from two days to two weeks because many of the substations
were blown. The heat was miserable and the nights were filled with a
lot of tossing and turning because I was drenched in sweat. It sucked
so bad and I tried to make jokes about it saying things like, "I
don't know how they did it in the old days...they were definitely
made of tougher stuff!"
The sack meals were
paltry as well. One lunch was two slices of cheese and four slices of
bread! Tempers were starting to flare and we prayed the power would
come back on soon. Wednesday after noon we lost complete access to
everything on the tablet and I could no longer get news updates so at
that point we were completely cut off from the outside which is not a
good feeling at all. I had no way of knowing if the CCA had made a
ruling as well which made me anxious.
Thursday started off
miserable again and we did our best to get through the day when later
that evening the power came back on and everyone shouted out cheers
of relief. When that air conditioning came back on it was the best
feeling in the world and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed, turn
on the fan and sleep, and did I!
I've spent the last
couple of days catching up on things, doing laundry and getting back
into my normal routine. It's crazy even in this life here,the things
we take for granted.
That's been pretty much
the gist of it. Now it's time to chill for the evening until I'm
tired.
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace
August 18th, 2024
I hadn't intended on
letting the month slip by without doing any writing but it has been a
busy month, and when I woke up this morning and realised that the
month only had two weeks left to it I was like, crap! I need to write
something!
Time and a dash of
anxiety are on my mind this morning because of a legal visit I had on
Friday which made me think it is possible that a CCA ruling could
come down any week now. The way one of my attorneys had explained it
made a lot of practical sense, even if that court rarely acts
practically, but basically the way he explained it was that because
three seats will change in January to newly elected Judges (yes, the
CCA is an elected position in Texas) it was unlikely the court would
stall things out for them to come aboard because that would be even
more time wasted as they reviewed the recommendation for a new trial.
So, that brings my time frame between now and early December. My
lawyer said we could probably whittle it down even more because the
month of October and going into November had several executions
scheduled and those last minute filings usually take precedence over
other appeals before the court so they probably would want to address
an almost two year old recommendation for a new trial before that.
That puts us in a time frame between now and October at the earliest,
December at the latest, and just thinking about the idea that a
ruling could come down fills me with anxiety and nervous energy. This
has been going on since October of 2019 and for a court that
routinely complains about appeals taking too long, every single delay
has been at THEIR hand. Not ours. I asked him if he thought they'd
roll the dice in denying my appeal to see what this ultraconservative
Supreme Court would do and he said anything is possible but unlikely
just because of how strong the Supreme Court has been on religious
freedom. It would be an embarrassment to the CCA to be slapped down
for not doing the right thing. So, I'm being cautiously optimistic.
In the meantime I've
been keeping busy in my classes, working on my music show that I do
Friday nights and doing positive things. The inmate that runs the
radio station, Ramy, aka Megamind asked me to tell people about the
Polunsky FB page where people can see pictures and videos of many of
the positive programs and events going on at the prison as well as
things from the radio station, so check that out! If you write to
prisoners in Texas encourage them to either ask for some of these
programs on their unit or get involved in what is offered. These
programs have the ability to transform lives! I dare a person not to
cry watching the video of a guy here who hadn't hugged his parents in
over a decade because he was always getting in trouble until he
decided to do the new MBS ( Mind Body Soul ) curriculum which focuses
on mental health and restoration of those someone hurts, spiritual
health ( for whatever your faith is ) and physical health. Anyways, I
suggest people go and check that out. We're hoping that one of these
days The Tank will have permission to stream the station on the
Polunsky page. That would be awesome.
So, tomorrow I have my
Bridges To Life class which is pretty intense. We're on week 9 and
the subject of repentance. In the opening page of the text book it
says, "Repentance is more than a change of mind or feeling sorry
for oneself..." I agree wholeheartedly. Each week we have to
watch a video of a victim sharing their story and it can be really
heart breaking. My only complaint of this class is I wish some of the
others taking it would take it seriously. Some don't even pay
attention and it shows in the open dialogue segment of our class
where we are encouraged to comment on the subject or share our
stories.
Hopefully I wont lose
track of time again and I can do more journals!
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace
August 31st, 2024
I wanted to start with
this quote: "Humility leads to strength and not weakness. It is
the highest form of self respect to admit mistakes and to make amends
for them" - John J. McCloy (I learned this in my Bridges To Life
class)
Wow, this month really
flew by. I don't even know what happened! Not that it was even an
eventful month. I kind of fell into a little depression a couple of
weeks ago getting caught up in the wait on the courts, but I'm past
that now and Taffy gave me really good advice that I'm taking to
heart...the ruling will come whenever it comes. I can't let the wait
get me stuck in a rut and I just need to put my head into activities
that will both pass my time usefully and keep me from worrying about
things out of my control, and so that is what I'm trying to do. Of
course I have my classes and that helps considerably.
We'll probably go on
lock down for the fall shake down in the next couple of weeks so that
will put things on hold, so if that happens I decided to start
writing some bits and pieces for a couple of screen play ideas that
have been stewing around in my head. One of them is an action comedy
that I'm calling 99-1 and another, a horror called Goose Creek,
loosely based on my time at boarding school in Kentucky. My original
idea for that was a straight up monster movie, but I came up with a
much better, smarter idea based around a ghost story we used to tell
that supposedly happened at the school. I've also got a sort of sci
fi idea inspired by a Cure song called Grinding Halt but that has
been a little tricky working out in my head. I keep thinking of that
movie, Night Of The Comet, and I want to pay homage to it but not rip
it off.
This past week Kevin
Rambsy of FightToForgive.com visited one of our classes and he came
to my door and we talked for a good amount of time. He's quite
remarkable and I'm really inspired by him and his walk in compassion
and forgiveness. He asked if I'd be interested in helping develop
some ideas and share my story with his platform and that really meant
a lot to me. We talked a good bit about the idea of surrendering
yourself and allowing G-d to be the driving force in a person's life
which I've worked hard on. Sometimes you just have to get out of your
own way when your own way isn't working. Surrendering is scary,
because it means that you're allowing something outside of yourself
to take the wheel. That's not always easy for a neurotic person like
me, but I also know when I try to do things myself or bull doze my
way through the universe, it often leads to a a bunch of problems. I
am trying something different this time around.
I can't believe I'm
turning 47 years old in two weeks. I can't even believe I'm still
around to see 47 years of life! So strange. I'm grateful, obviously,
but it does make me think about what my purpose is. Why I'm still
here. I know I want to live a life in service to others and it would
be the most amazing gift to have that opportunity. Kevin said it
sounds like it could be my calling and I hope that it is. I hope I
get that chance.
So, into another month
we go and fall is almost here! The best season of them all. It's a
holiday weekend here and they've got some new movies on this weekend.
I'm most looking forward to watching A Quiet Place: Day One...I hope
it's good!
Courage. Strength. Hope
And Faith
Peace