January 3rd, 2024
So...yesterday marked the end to the holidays and a big surprise for those of us who got up early for rec, just in case it was happening. The officer working the floor went into each day room at six in the morning and dropped a piece of paper on the table, and when someone asked what that was all about he said, " New rec. schedule" and walked off. They didn't start rec. until a little after 8am and the first guy out read it and I could see from his body language it wasn't good and so I asked what the schedule was. He said they had cut our rec. down to just two days for each section. One day inside and one day outside...which meant that the other five days we're trapped in the cell. Out of seven days we get out of our cell for a total of four hours...granted there is always the possibility of extra time at rec. with lazy officers....but still. We were not happy.
Since being here in 2003 we've gone from rec. every day and as the years ticked by and people stopped working in prisons which started even before the pandemic, we're now down to almost no rec. at all. I wrote in my epic new years journal about the looming crisis Texas prisons face and this is just the prologue... And there isn't much in regards to no rec. that anyone can do because no staff affects security and security gives carte blanche to limit movement, recreation, not do showers etc. It sucks...but it is the reality of the situation and we've no choice but to accept that. BUT there are reasonable solutions that TDCJ CAN consider and implement that present no threat to security. Things that mitigate a lack of recreation or being able to get out of the cell... It's simple: Access to more content on the tablet such as the available pod cast, news paper app and media app. The first one is free to inmates and offers myriad educational and shows for those that can't afford anything else. The other two come at a cost, but only to the prisoner. That would give people more to do in their cells instead of go crazy or become a powder keg of frustration. Even if you hate death row prisoners or just prisoners in general you've got to see the potential risks to all involved when there are no other outlets for a person locked up in a cell 24/7...If you are fiscally minded think about the additional costs for prison health care both mentally and physically. Think about the risk to staff if an inmate blows or has a mental break down. What if an inmate attempts to take their own life and they have to rush them to the hospital which requires additional staff to leave the unit to escort the inmate... There's a guy back here that used to go by "Big Cat"... We used to play basketball, work out together, have conversations about politics,comic books,movies etc. The pandemic hit and that time being trapped in his cell indefinitely broke him. It broke a few dudes...but he has mentally slipped more than others. He now goes by " Big Chief Sky Wolf " and claims to be the prophesied last great indigenous Chief to all of the Native American tribes. He chants loudly at all times of the day and believes that his neighbor is trying to electrocute him through his table...He is a shell of the person he used to be. Yesterday at rec. he told me learned fluent Hebrew and then began to speak gibberish. It hurt my heart to see what has happened to him and others. All many of us are asking is just to have a fraction of what those serving a capital life sentence have at no risk to security. That's all...
So, it's been no rec. today but at least they did showers...
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith
Peace
January 7th, 2024
It's been a stressful weekend worrying that my tablet is about to bite the dust. The trouble started Friday afternoon when before I went to the shower I plugged in my charger. When I came back from the shower I looked at my tablet and noticed the percentage hadn't changed. That has happened before and sometimes the barrel connector just needs a little jiggle and it'll kick in. Its not like we have a name brand tablet and charger...it isn't even a USB charger, its a cheap clear plastic charger with one of those ends on it that you see with certain appliances. Well, the jiggle didn't work and the tablet still wouldn't charge. I was now worried the charger was broken but my neighbor offered to try it out on his and so I sent it to him to test on his tablet and it was working fine. He sent me his charger and it wouldn't work on mine and my heart sank because it meant it was something to do with tablet itself. Now, if it was an easy process to get a replacement tablet it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but it is a nightmare because it can take weeks even months for Securus to do anything. All of our communication is solely digital now. So, if the tablet runs out of juice before I can get a replacement I'll be dependent upon the mail room to print up copies of messages which I've heard from a couple of guys who have had to replace their tablets that it's a task in and of itself. Whoever said technology makes life easier is a liar...it only adds a whole lot of unnecessary stress when it doesn't work right!
Anyways, tomorrow is Monday so I'll begin my campaign to get a replacement tablet. Saturday was spent catching up on things until three then I paused for a bit to spend some time with Taffy. We do it several times a week just to be doing the same thing at the same time because it keeps us connected in the moment and it's nice as well. I listened to the classic rock show on The Tank until four then I settled in to watch some movies on the section tv. I missed the first Paranormal Activity movie but watched part two and three which were surprisingly better than I expected. It took me almost 24 years to see Blair Witch Project and I thought it was just so so...They did much better with the P A movies... After that we watched an action thriller with Liam Neeson and then an action movie called Dead Lock. Another movie came on after that but I was running on empty and hit the hay sleeping all the way until 7:30am, and I feel all the better for it.
In this new week they are supposed to be shifting some guys who will no longer participate in classes and bring some new people in who do want to do it. I have a feeling I'll probably be shifted to another cell as well just because I've been in my current cell since the and of June. I've got prime real estate in terms of a view to the tv so it's possible I could be moved to a cell with a bad view...but we'll see. I love my movies but it won't kill me if I can't see them. I just hope I don't get moved to B section...there are a couple of guys over there that really test a person's patience so being far removed from them is a blessing.
Well, here's to a new week with hope for good things. We shall see. Foot ball is on now which I don't care about unless the Cowboys play so I'm going to listen to some Star Wars marathon!
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace
January 11th, 2024
I had intended to do a journal yesterday but with tablet issues (now resolved...more on that in a bit) and monitoring the CCA for a ruling yesterday I was out of gas by the end of the day and my brain was dead. Wednesdays can be so exhausting because I start the day off full of prayers, hope and positivity... meet up with Taffy at 8am in spirit for either a cup of cocoa or what I call a good luck root beer which we both love, say another prayer or even climb up on my bed and look out the window and the front side walk of Polunsky visualising the Dallas Sheriff's Deputies walking me to their van as they did the summer of '21 and '22. So, by the time the court rulings are posted on the legal app, I'm like a tightly wound ball of nerves.
When the disappointment of no ruling sinks in it is like a balloon losing air. I've got to take a deep breath and refocus and go through another week and do it all again. It's both frustrating and disappointing but I suck it up and keep trucking. In G-ds time, right? There is something I'm supposed to do or learn that will eventually reveal itself and I'll think, as I have many times before when I go through something I'm not particularly pleased with or question, and I say, “Oh...So, that is why...” We don't always have the ability to see a purpose in real time. It is in our gift of hindsight that G-d will sometimes speak to us, I think. It is just allowing our selves to see it and accept it. Doesn't matter your faith. We all have this wonderful ability to see through G-d's eyes. Try it sometime. It's crazy spooky! Take any event in the past few days,usually something you may have initially seen as negative...and then find a positive moment after that event and you'll literally be able to connect the dots to see that had the negative event not happened, the positive wouldn't have either.
My day actually ended on a positive note as my tablet problem was resolved. At the beginning of the week I was still stressed and worried that my tablet needed replacing because as I wrote earlier my tablet didn't work, and while my neighbor's charger was working on his,and even though he did say that there were times he had to jiggle his tablet to get it to work as it didn't work properly...I sent him my charger and he plugged it in saw the word charging and unplugged it quickly, not seeing IF IT ACTUALLY DID CHARGE...we both feared the worst about my tablet.
As I expected, Monday morning was a mess and I couldn't get anyone to help me get Securus to look at the tablet so by the afternoon I was down to just 40% juice and worried...But I had a little niggle eating at me saying, ' Try another charger...' so I asked another guy a couple of cells down if I could try his out for a second. I fished it in, took a deep breath plugged it in...the screen blinked as it normally would and the word Charging popped up at the same time the blue indicator light turned to a flashing purple indicating it was charging! I let out a huge YES! and the guy let me use it until my tablet was fully charged. He said I could use it as I needed, which was such a huge relief but now I had to tackle the issue of ordering a new charger at an over priced $15.99 plus tax, and waiting weeks if not more for Securus to deliver it. I wasn't happy about that at all especially since the cheap piece of junk died on its own and wasn't my fault at all. I took care of it! Always unplugged it when it wasn't in use, kept it from getting banged around etc. Our whole set up is initially provided for free from securus...but replacement products such as ear buds and charger are our responsibility no matter if it is our fault or not. That's the rub! You are forced to buy an over priced item like cheaply wired ear buds for 20.00 dollars when in reality they probably cost Securus pennies on the dollar to make knowing they will HAVE to be replaced every few months from wear and tear...It really is predatory, but when you're the only game in the business and you're ripping off inmates and their families, who cares? So, they will replace the tablet for free ONLY if they see that the inmate didn't abuse or tamper with it. If they feel the inmate broke it, the inmate has to fork over $130.00 to receive a replacement. Now, that I understand because there are some guys who foolishly believe they'll crack the code to unlock it and gain access to the actual internet...which is not happening. Or there are those that want to try and jump sound circuits to boost the volume...Troop has told me some crazy stories of guys currently without tablets because of their own idiocy. Others just don't care at all because they have no support, and intentionally break the tablet, or any state provided item for that matter, in an act of defiance or anarchy. Most of the time, though, the stuff breaks naturally because it really is the cheapest of quality. Before I purchased a new charger though, I thought I'd try a different route through an officer that often deals with Securus and has access to surplus items for guys that are indigent or need a loaner until something can be purchased. I asked one of the field ministers to explain my situation and he did and told me they were busy but they'd get back with me in a couple of days to check out my issue. I was so grateful that I wouldn't have cared if it took a week! I had settled in to the day far less anxious about that situation and when it was close to shift change I was just about to ask the guy a few cells down to use his charger when suddenly the officer popped up to my cell, opened my slot and handed me a brand new spankin' fancy smancy Chinese made charger still in the wrapper. I told them I'd return it as soon as I purchased a new one and they told me to give them my broken one and call it even. I was so appreciative of not just that but going out of their way to get it to me before they left work! It meant a lot to me and reminds me that even in a place that is often devoid of humanity, either on the side of Inmates or Officers, there are plenty of genuinely good people that work here and are more than their job title. Yeah, there are plenty of mean spirited officers or those who are generally apathetic to our conditions or treatment, but the same can be said of certain inmates that see them as the enemy no matter who they are or how they act. I've been guilty of an ' Us v. Them ' bias from time to time for no other reason than the fact I'm an inmate and they are a guard. A lot of it just comes from years of incarceration and mistreatment . Just as I know some of the initial bias from Officers comes from their being told not to trust inmates which is understandable...I get it. Prison is a pit of vipers. But stick around long enough and a person's nature will reveal itself and Officers can discern bad inmates from the good one's and inmates pick up real quickly the jerks from those that know their job and the professional barriers they must keep, but can also show their humanity.
Humanity can and should exist in prison. It just requires a culture change on both sides, and that's something very important to me as a long term goal. It goes hand in hand with what I've written about my desire to live a life of service to others. I really believe that the most important piece of the puzzle to reduce recidivism is changing prison culture. There are a handful of administrative officials that believe that as well and a large group of inmates - ironically 'lifers' - like some of the Field Ministers, Life Coaches and those that participate in the prison radio station. Our only barriers to change are those on the outside ( certain anti prisoner rights activists and politicians ) who hold on to antiquated views on what they believe is ' Justice ' and those on the inside that treat prison like it has to be a concrete jungle where there can only be predator or prey or time for them to find the next great street hustle, where respect is earned by throwing fists and if you're kind, you're weak. A growing number of us reject that and are trying to change that mentality. You can't expect a freed prisoner to be a productive member of any community if they can't first act as a community member amongst their peers within prison. You can't expect a person to build a house without the proper education and tools first. You'd think it would be a no brainer.
For the most part, Death Row has always been a microcosm of culture change because we know without community and looking out for one another we'll drown. Even if someone doesn't like another person, if they're in need they will typically find help. Prison as a whole will take more effort but it is possible...But society has to be willing to give administrators with bold ideas a chance without protesting that prisoners have it too easy...For inmates it requires us to project kindness towards others as the dominant force. To reject cruelty and expect accountability not just for what got them locked up, but for our treatment of one another. For me, it's speaking to that young person who feels there is no hope, or has given up because I was once that same young person.
Anyways, for me, when I've experienced the kindness of another be it guard or inmate, I'm grateful that all isn't lost. Even if sometimes my sarcasm or retorts sometimes come off a bit sharp or unintentionally jerkish, I'm hyper aware of the value of kindness and do my best to be both kind and gracious when kindness is given to me. Yep...The kindness of an officer towards a death row inmate deserved my thoughts in respects to the gesture! Gotta pay it forward now.
As for today, it started a bit chaotic with two new officers on the floor. They were totally unprepared for what a day of rec. on B pod can throw at them. These officers really are undertrained but TDCJ is so desperate to get them in place, they spend little time learning the parts of their job that keep things running timely and smoothly. But to the crew working today they figured out things after the first round. For some it takes months! Everything levelled out by second round. I was initially scheduled to go outside 4th round and I worried I'd never make it, but was bumped to 2nd round which was lovely! The fresh air did me a world of good. I came in, went straight to the shower and just like that the day was done. I had planned on watching the series Vikings tonight on the Unit channel but skipped it to do this long journal...I'll make up for it with movies over the three day holiday weekend. I can't wait! Some really good ones I've waited years to finally see are in the line up. Now it's time to get ready for bed and wind down for the night!
Courage. Strength. Hope and Faith.
Peace
January
19th, 2024
This
week has been an interesting one and not really in a bad way. Sure,
there's the disappointment of going yet another week without a ruling
from the CCA, but a conversation with a guy that used to be on death
row years ago, and would routinely whoop my butt at basketball,
stopped by to catch up with the guys around he knew when his sentence
was modified from death to life. Over the years he became a driving
force for the peer mentor programs and is one of the most valued and
trusted Life Coaches in TDCJ. I expressed my frustration with this
wait and he said, " Randy, don't see it as disappointment. See
it as opportunity. " And of course he is right...what counts is
what I do with my time in the interim...which I already knew and I've
been doing, but sometimes my disappointment can affect my drive. He
took my information down and said I could depend on him to be an
advocate for me to be a life coach when the opportunity presents
itself. What's so crazy about that particular conversation was how
well timed it was with all that transpired after. I've talked about
enrolling in classes and I've already been several months into one
class already. Initially, a bunch of guys on my section signed up but
when they realised it required reading assignments and book work most
of the section dropped out and both Field Ministers Troop and Gary
considered cancelling it altogether but my neighbor and I told them
to not do that, find others who are willing to do the work and that's
when Gary decided it would be best to restructure things and do it
differently than how they did it on A pod. He had to go through some
red tape and administrative headaches, but in the end he got it
sorted, found new guys to participate, created an entirely new
program, and began to move people around, completing the final moves
today. So what remains from the original group are just a couple of
us and we'll finish our current class, but on February 1st new
classes will begin.
Today
my section had a heart felt conversation about our individual goals,
vision for changes, and desire to show the world we are worthy of
redemption. It really pumped me up and had me excited. So far it
seems like it's a much better group of guys, but it's the work that
will test each person's dedication. It's not easy to adapt to a new
routine and schedule when you've been languishing for years and have
had a decades old routine. Troop and Gary anticipate that so they did
something really smart for our program that I'll go into in another
entry.
Other
good things...so, we have an app on our tablet that is also available
in the world called Pando...It's mostly Christian content,but I check
it out from time to time and saw that Megamind did an interview in
The Tank with some leaders of a prison ministry called Universal
Beyond Bars or UBB. If you go on the Pando app and look for that
church, look for the video cast titled UBB In The Tank, you'll see
the radio studio. In the background you'll see my memoir amongst some
of the books exhibited and finally, if you go about 10 minutes and 12
seconds into the video you'll see a scrolling ticker tape and
suddenly there's a shout out to me as The Tank's co-producer ( so
people know I really am!) and my picture. I was so touched by that
and of course a bit proud as well. So yeah...good things this week.
I'll talk about more soon!
Courage.
Strength. Hope and Faith
Peace
January
28th, 2024
Another
week has passed and it is almost the end to another Sunday. I've not
done much but my chores and I've done my best to keep busy and
positive. Been watching a lot movies this weekend. We just watched an
animated movie from Adam Sandler that was pretty funny called Leo.
I'm still blown away at the level of computer animation these days.
Last
night we watched Oppenheimer which was excellent. I really liked how
it juxtaposed the creation of the atomic bomb with Robert Oppenheimer
being accused of being a communist after he vocalised restraint on
the use of the bomb. The acting was phenomenal from everyone in that
movie. We also watched Everything And Everywhere All At Once which
was another fantastic movie. So, I slept pretty good last night.
Oppenheimer ended around ten and I'd already seen the last movie for
the night so I crawled into bed earlier than I normally do for
Saturday nights. I'd hoped to wake up to a shower but this is now day
six without. It's like no one is coming to work for them to do
anything. It's been the worst it's been in a while. It can get
exhausting dealing with this broken system.
The
inmate field minister Troop showed up to show movies on the big
screens for the other side of the pod. Now that they have more TVs
they can knock out two sections in one go but I don't know that Troop
will have trucked four big screen TVs all the way over from A pod
unless Gary came with him. I hope he stops by to chat because I
wanted to ask if classes actually start this week on Feb 1st or the
following week. We were told our first class is something called
Authentic Manhood which will teach people how to be mature
responsible adults...it explores how to deal with aggression, taking
responsibility and growing up, because many of us are trapped in a
state of arrested development. It should be interesting. I hope I'm
not here for 18 months but the overall program is 18 months long so
it will be quite intensive and I'll do it all for as long as I'm
here. Gary did tell me that if I got some time and came back here I
could complete it, though so that was nice to hear.
My
path to becoming a life coach begins this week! Gary just came by
earlier and he said classes WILL begin on Thursday or Friday...well,
it's more of an opening ceremony to officially kick the new program
off. He also said that he and Troop are trying to move onto the
building where there are open cells on A pod. That way they're always
around. They currently live out in the dormitories which is an open
living situation and they wouldn't mind some privacy and living
amongst us. That'll be cool if that happens. They'll be more
accessible if that gets approved.
Now
we just finished watching an early 90's movie called Menace 2 Society
about '90s street gangs in Los Angeles. We'll be doing foot ball time
for the last two teams that decide who goes to the Superbowl. Next
week there are no games so it'll be all movies Saturday and Sunday.
For the Superbowl Troop and Gary are going to roll in 4 big screens
for B and C sections to watch the game so that should be cool to see.
I love the commercials the most for that particular game so I'll
definitely check it out especially since it'll be on the big screen.
I can't believe we've had the day room TVs for a year now though.
That's
really been it for the weekend and the week wasn't much different
with no recreation and no showers. We'll see what a new week brings.
Geeze, it almost February!
Courage.
Strength. Hope and Faith
Peace
February 4th, 2024
It's been another
average week in my life here on death row. We did have two days of
rec. which was a relief and on Thursday I was able to get some fresh
air by going outside. I think these days with the staff shortages we
average about one day of outside recreation per month. I've not
played basketball since last summer which really stinks. That really
is the best exercise there is in my opinion and I took pride in the
fact that at my age I could run better and play better than most guys
younger than me. I fear the less I play, the more age will eventually
catch up with me. Not that I feel old or even appear old unless it is
when I first roll out of bed. THAT I definitely feel. Getting up
early in the morning is becoming increasingly harder!
We were expecting
classes to begin last week with our first class called ' Authentic
Manhood ' but instead on Friday morning at about 7:30am Gary and
Troop came rolling in with several huge TVs... They told us that
class would start on Wednesday the following week and wanted to spend
an hour that Friday morning asking each of us what we thought being a
man meant. It was interesting listening to everyone's definition and
almost no one said anything about being held accountable or being
responsible etc. They were all comments about not being a sissy,
being tough, protecting loved ones etc. Gary said we were all wrong
and would learn why in the class.
After that they hooked
up the TVs and showed us two movies...the first movie was a new
romcom called Tourist Guide To Love...it was so so. It wasn't very
original in my opinion. They were going through the menu of saved
movies and I saw a couple of Star Wars titles flash across the screen
and I yelled out, " Star Wars!" and the response was a
collective " No Randy!" and then everyone laughed because
they know what a big Star Wars geek I am. I joked, " But we've
not see them on the big screens!" In the end Gary settled on the
movie, " 7 Pounds " which must be one of the most
depressing movies ever made! Its not bad, but Geeze...there is
nothing happy at all in that movie.
Friday night I listened
to my show on the radio...Yep, I've got my own radio program at 9pm
on the prison radio station, The Tank called The Co Producer
Spotlight. I basically compile the songs for that hour, send them in
and they get played. I'm pretty proud of the accomplishment and the
DJ,Megamind said I earned and deserved the slot which meant a lot to
me. I'd like to start recording an encouraging message for each show,
but we've got to figure out the logistics of that. It has always been
a dream of mine and another one fulfilled.
Saturday was pretty
boring other than a couple of movies and a Cure concert played that
evening on the Tank. I was in bed at midnight and back up early for a
shower after three days without. Then Gary and Troop came by again to
talk and inform us that on Monday Troop would begin another class on
Anger Management. So, we'll have two classes each week on top of
another class. That'll be three classes each week! I'm looking
forward to the challenge. It's nice to do something opposed to
nothing. I'm sure the days will go by even faster now.
Well, here's to looking
at another week and maybe a positive ruling! It has to come one of
these weeks.
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace.
February 23rd, 2024
I'm still waiting on
the CCA to decide my case....By the way, if you want things to change
in the CCA and maybe save lives on death row, I'd recommend voting
for Democrat Judges in this election cycle and replace the three uber
conservative judges up for re-election. Many people don't realise
that they aren't appointed, but instead are elected.
My morning started with
me listening to a Cocteau Twins album on the Tank and Megamind broke
in for a second to remind listeners to catch my show on Friday
nights. Tonight is going to be good as I put together some old school
new wave jams. I was going for a total electro pop vibe for tonight's
show. I'm already thinking about next week's music but I hope tonight
goes smoothly!
Last night we watched a
series from Netflix I'd never heard about. In fact, when we got the
unit channel 12 line up for the weekend and saw the word Beef we were
like what the heck is that? One guy said (which in hindsight is
making me laugh hard because he totally sold it!) "Oh, I know
this show! Its about the '90s rap game and how the rappers were
beefing with each other and it spilled into the streets!" When
the show started with a Korean dude, the actor Steven Yeun from the
Walking Dead. I said, "Yeah...I don't think this has anything to
do with the '90s rap street beefs, dude, but it was a good guess!"
And the section laughed! Turns out the show starts with a road rage
incident and builds from there as two lives fall apart when their
antics spawned from impulse and revenge spiral out of control. I
think it is one of the best shows I've ever seen. Who knew there were
better shows than Lost out there? It's like a brave new world for us
back here being able to watch streaming shows! Ha ha. Ali Wong is a
great actress and the entire premise is original and brilliant.
Funny, sad, and gripping. I don't imagine it'll end on a happy note.
My friend, Ivan Cantu,
who I've known for over 20 years now has an execution date for next
week and it is stressing me out. I'm convinced he is innocent and was
framed. If anyone has doubts I recommend they listen to the true
crime pod cast Cousins By Blood which systematically addresses all of
the serious questions in his case. Dude was framed. I'm certain of
it. He's been one of my closest friends over the years and I hope he
gets that stay. Someone has to intervene. There is just too much
doubt and unanswered questions.
Other than worrying
about my friend, Ivan, it's been a long day for sure. First we had a
church called Worthy People come and talk to us. The pastor used to
be a prisoner at one time. I've seen some of their videos on Pando
and they also said that they are going to start adding one movie a
month to Pando which will be really cool. I mean, we've got to take
what we can get if TDCJ refuses to give death row the media app.
Church isn't really my thing, but those people are serious in helping
prisoners so I can absolutely support that and we all appreciate the
love they show.
I just talked to the
inmate field minister, Gary and he said Ivan is in the middle of a
Star Wars marathon watching it on a big screen TV parked right in
front of his cell. That was nice to hear as I know he's a big fan. We
always listened to the marathons of that and Back To The Future
together before death row had television.
And now the day is
winding down and I can settle in for the evening and get ready for
channel 12. The guard just changed the TVs and everyone is finishing
dinner and getting ready to roll.
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace.
RIP Ivan Cantu.
April 3rd, 2024
Good morning on this
hopeful mid week day. I'm going into it with so much hope that my
appeal ruling has to be sooner than later. I've been waiting for
almost 16 months which is a frustrating amount of time when my
lawyers feel like they are only stalling the inevitable.
Please forgive me if I
jump around in this journal. It's been a rough past month with a
bunch of unnecessary problems and I've not written in a while so I'm
trying to find my equilibrium. Time here is very non linear, but I
try to keep a linear schedule for a sense of normality and so I tend
to write that way. On death row most of our day if not all of our day
is spent in our cell so I try to balance it as best as I can. I would
love to have a job or something and I don't even care that in Texas
prisoners don't get paid for work. I'd love to work any job, even if
it was cleaning garbage, just to keep busy. I think that is a reason
I take so many classes and keep studying and writing my thoughts and
other writings. It does help me keep sane.
We've been on lock down
for almost a month now and our building still has a week and a half
to go until lock down is over for us, which stinks. At least things
have finally settled down. As I've written before, Troop and Gary are
my teachers, mentors and field ministers. They're specially trained
inmates with a bachelors in theology... if I have a life sentence it
is my long term goal to become something similar to them and train to
be a life coach...a sort of inmate counsellor. I'd love to mentor and
teach younger inmates and change the prison culture to one of hope
and not despair.
You all know I'm
Jewish, but I have grown to respect a lot of Christians over the past
years. In fact, I've really come to appreciate the Christian and
philosophical writings of C.S. Lewis. I read a really interesting
book years ago that compared the writings of Freud and Lewis...Almost
as if they were debating with one another in a way. I'm always trying
to learn and challenge myself.
Anyways, I'm wondering
why field minister Gary hasn't done class today when he said
yesterday he'd for sure be here. That's a bit odd. It's past noon now
and there's been no news or ruling, so it looks like we're looking at
another week. It'll be okay. I do think it'll come in the next couple
of weeks and hey, May to July has been a special time to go back to
Dallas as I went two summers in a row in 2021 and 2022 so maybe some
of that magic is in the air to be back around that time.
We were told the unit
movie channel is going to be on this weekend so I'm looking forward
to that and the movie line up looks good. I finally get to see
Killers Of The Flower Moon which is an amazing book I read several
years ago. I love cinema...I have such a wide taste in movies from
art house and foreign films to a love of Star Wars, thrillers and
horror. One of the best movies I've seen recently was called American
Fiction - an amazing satirical drama that explores the exploitation
of black culture in America. I've loved movies since I was a child
and up to my incarceration I tried to see a movie in the theater
every week.
I'm determined to write
a successful screen play one of these days. I've got two really good
ideas for a psychological horror movie and a comedy. They are all but
worked out in my head so I just need to take to the task of writing
them. I'm going to try to get back into the swing of things and I
apologise for the lapse in entries. The last month was just a very
very stressful time for me,but I'm on the mend and rebound! Now if
only the courts will make their ruling!
Courage. Strength. Hope
and Faith.
Peace
April 28th, 2024
It's a warm Sunday
morning and I've been doing my typical weekend chores and reflecting
on the past week and then thought I should do a journal! I'm doing my
very best to keep afloat and keep positive. I'm in relatively good
spirits, though torn over all of the political chaos, the misguided
and misinformed protests on college campuses, and wonder when and if
reason can be restored any time soon.
But if I'm honest, most
of my anxiety is from the wait on the CCA to which my legal team has
had enough as well and my attorney has been preparing a legal brief
to file in the CCA soon if a ruling doesn't come in the next week or
two, I hope. I've read the rough draft and it's excellent. The heart
of the brief points out to the CCA there is no justification in them
sitting on this for so long. The state conceded and told the CCA that
the only recourse is a new trial. My Judge recommended a new trial
and so, the CCA is violating my constitutional right to a speedy and
fair trial by delaying justice.
My attorney also sited
the 8th and 14th amendments by saying the delay is cruel and unusual
punishment. As of now,Another inmate, Paul Storey and myself have
been waiting longer for a ruling than almost anyone else in recent
CCA history. Paul has a recommendation for a life sentence from both
his District Attorney and Judge and has been waiting almost two
years. Hopefully, a ruling will come soon, though because I really
can't see them dragging this out for much longer.
I do feel intuitively
that something is coming, though. My mind has been prodding me to
prepare for Dallas and in a weird cosmic turn of events, I was moved
recently to 8 cell. Now, being moved is no big deal. I'm typically
moved around a lot, but being moved to the very first cell I came to
on DR, June 12, 2003 made me think how crazy it would be if it is
also my LAST cell on death row, as if G-d aligned everything
perfectly. I don't think I'm that special in the grand scheme of the
universe and everything in it, but I told Adrian that would be the
wildest thing that has happened since being here. That would blow my
mind! I don't have much of a view for tv in this, but that is okay.
They've not been showing many decent movies of late as it is. The
last good movie I watched was Killers Of The Flower moon, but that
really has been it. Field minister's Gary or Troop should show our
section some movies on the big screen in the coming week.
In other news I should
graduate from one of my first classes I started taking back in August
in the next two weeks. I'm really glad I stayed with it. Then, my
anger management course wraps up in another two weeks. There will be
a lull in between the next course Troop teaches because he is going
to be shipped to another prison unit for two weeks to do a seminary
in early May. The Quest For Authentic Manhood course has many many
weeks left on that, and I honestly wouldn't be upset if I didn't
finish that one! The concepts it proposes as to what a 'real' man is
is sooo off base and misinformed. I just don't like this course at
all,but I'm committed to it.
Courage. Strength.
Hope. and Faith
Peace